can money sway your feelings

[bct2017]

I have been married for five years together 6 and it has never been great i felt soon after marrying it was a mistake but my wife is really nice and a good person so for over the past 4 years we have been trying to separate but have not been able to totally go through with it but we are close because things cant go on like this forever and age is a problem my wife wants a family and we are in our late thirties and I do not want to have kids because i feel there are to many issues in our relationship.

 

Here is my question:

 

I have some guilt about three years ago i had an injury I do not want to go into details but I started getting compensation do not want to say how much but enough to live on my own. I cant have any job standing up which really sucks because I am the type of person that cant stay still at a desk type job I have really bad ADD.

 

I wanted to leave my wife before this happened but now that i am getting income from compensation I was wondering or imagining if I was not getting compensation and needed my spouse more financially would things be differnet? Am I in some selfish way leaving my wife because I am financially indepedent? Or is it making the decision easier?

 

Its kind of like a "what if" and I feel horrible I really feel like I would leave either way. but I feel bad because i have compensation and a safety net but my wife does not.

 

there are so many things going on this is just one part I was thinking about on the financial end. I have delt with living with guilt my whole life even when people say I should not feel guilty it is part of my personality.

[d0nnivain]

Talk to a lawyer. In most states a spouse has independent cause of action for something called loss of consortium or per quod damages. Because you got hurt, your wife may be entitled to a portion of your recovery because somebody injured you rendering you unable to fulfill your marital duties to her (companionship, help around the house & sex).

 

 

When a couple is divorcing, both the injured spouse & the non - injured spouse should have their own lawyer.

[somanymistakes]

Money sways a lot of people's feelings. People often stay in a relationship because it would cost too much to leave, or they're not sure how they would look after themselves on their own.

[bct2017]

Talk to a lawyer. In most states a spouse has independent cause of action for something called loss of consortium or per quod damages. Because you got hurt, your wife may be entitled to a portion of your recovery because somebody injured you rendering you unable to fulfill your marital duties to her (companionship, help around the house & sex).

 

 

When a couple is divorcing, both the injured spouse & the non - injured spouse should have their own lawyer.

 

 

my wife does not want my money I was talking more about just personal feelings I have about it and guilt.

 

She does not want any money we will have an uncontested divorce no kids, I plan on giving her a small amount of money for a time period while seperated which we agree on. We are not fighting or contesting anything our marriage is just not working out.

[bct2017]

my wife does not want my money I was talking more about just personal feelings I have about it and guilt.

 

She does not want any money we will have an uncontested divorce no kids, I plan on giving her a small amount of money for a time period while seperated which we agree on. We are not fighting or contesting anything our marriage is just not working out.

 

correction my wife does not want our money. She really is a good person part of the reason it has been hard to leave her. She is an angel it is sad i am not happy. But really we are not mulling over any finacial concerns she is responsable. I had this question more just about me and the guilt and the "what if" what if I did not have compesation would it be harder to leave?

 

now that i think maybe others cant answer that question.

[carhill]

I wanted to leave my wife before this happened but now that i am getting income from compensation I was wondering or imagining if I was not getting compensation and needed my spouse more financially would things be differnet? Am I in some selfish way leaving my wife because I am financially indepedent? Or is it making the decision easier?

 

So, you wanted to leave before your injury and subsequent disability. You wanted to leave when you were healthy and gainfully employed.

 

IMO, your desire to leave is the guide. That's the goal. All the rest is numbers, agreements and stamps by a court. In your heart you've already left, a long time ago. Now it's time for the paperwork to catch up with the decision. Sounds like your wife is good to go so go, don't look back, and make the best of the life you have. No guilt, no remorse, no regrets.

 

I've struggled mightily in the seven years or so since my D but all of it has been worth it. For awhile the cat and I fought over food You sound like you're far better off than that. Deal with it and move on.

[knabe]

my wife does not want my money I was talking more about just personal feelings I have about it and guilt.

 

She does not want any money we will have an uncontested divorce no kids, I plan on giving her a small amount of money for a time period while seperated which we agree on. We are not fighting or contesting anything our marriage is just not working out.

 

Yeah....things can change once the process starts. I wouldn't count on that.

[bct2017]

Yeah....things can change once the process starts. I wouldn't count on that.

 

i know it may sound naive.

 

The one thing that worried me is if I met someone and she had some type of breakdown and her behavior dramatically changed.

 

But I really do not even plan on dating until we are divorced I want to try and work on self I was in a relationship soon before i met my spouse so it would not be a good idea to date again for awhile i am going to try my hardest to be responsible.

 

its a weird situation we both care about each other and have helped each other right now we are both working together to make sure each other will be successful. I just dont think she will try to get money.

 

If I was worried I would lawyer up I believe in this situation a lawyer can create more problems.

 

Neither one of us is getting a lawyer I am doing the paper work and we are going together to file and proceedings no lawyers.

 

 

unless something happens where we dont get divorced.

[Michelle ma Belle]

i know it may sound naive.

 

The one thing that worried me is if I met someone and she had some type of breakdown and her behavior dramatically changed.

 

But I really do not even plan on dating until we are divorced I want to try and work on self I was in a relationship soon before i met my spouse so it would not be a good idea to date again for awhile i am going to try my hardest to be responsible.

 

its a weird situation we both care about each other and have helped each other right now we are both working together to make sure each other will be successful. I just dont think she will try to get money.

 

If I was worried I would lawyer up I believe in this situation a lawyer can create more problems.

 

Neither one of us is getting a lawyer I am doing the paper work and we are going together to file and proceedings no lawyers.

 

 

unless something happens where we dont get divorced.

 

I don't think you're being naive.

 

Your relationship with your soon-to-be ex sounds similar to my own. Despite our unhappy marriage and subsequent divorce, we remained great friends and helped each other through it all. We didn't use lawyers either and did everything together on our own including splitting up all the finances.

 

It definitely helped that neither of us dated other people during this transition period. I don't think it even occurred to us at that time since we were just trying to make the best out of a sad situation for our children, our families and ourselves.

 

Does your wife work at all? Is she able to provide for herself even if it's not to the level she's used to with you?

 

I always made my own money but when I was heading for separation, I sought out more stable employment that offered me benefits and a pension. It was the catalyst for me stepping up my game rather than ride the coattails of my husband who was the main breadwinner and very successful financially.

 

I took my legal half and not one dime more and set out to fend for myself. It helped to know I had support from family as well as my ex IF things went horribly wrong but thankfully it never did.

 

I'm a better woman because of it.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[bct2017]

I don't think you're being naive.

 

Your relationship with your soon-to-be ex sounds similar to my own. Despite our unhappy marriage and subsequent divorce, we remained great friends and helped each other through it all. We didn't use lawyers either and did everything together on our own including splitting up all the finances.

 

It definitely helped that neither of us dated other people during this transition period. I don't think it even occurred to us at that time since we were just trying to make the best out of a sad situation for our children, our families and ourselves.

 

Does your wife work at all? Is she able to provide for herself even if it's not to the level she's used to with you?

 

I always made my own money but when I was heading for separation, I sought out more stable employment that offered me benefits and a pension. It was the catalyst for me stepping up my game rather than ride the coattails of my husband who was the main breadwinner and very successful financially.

 

I took my legal half and not one dime more and set out to fend for myself. It helped to know I had support from family as well as my ex IF things went horribly wrong but thankfully it never did.

 

I'm a better woman because of it.

 

 

thank you I hope my spouse can reach her goals she is a full time nanny for 17 years and she wants a new career but she has had a lot of trouble transitioning due to only having GED and Nanny does not transfer to a lot of things when all you have is nanny on your resume it is hard to get bites. So she has some goals to go back to school but it will be very hard. Nannys make good money we live in a big city with lots of rich people so that is why it has been hard for her to stop being a nanny all of these years but i can tell she is burned out from it.

 

So she has a job and some savings financially is not the biggest problem the emotional toll of this divorce is the problem. She is not outgoing she does not talk to her friends about it she is very private she would freak out if she knew i was so open on here I am being very careful to not put any names or cities so she does not find out I am discussing this on internet.

[Michelle ma Belle]

thank you I hope my spouse can reach her goals she is a full time nanny for 17 years and she wants a new career but she has had a lot of trouble transitioning due to only having GED and Nanny does not transfer to a lot of things when all you have is nanny on your resume it is hard to get bites. So she has some goals to go back to school but it will be very hard. Nannys make good money we live in a big city with lots of rich people so that is why it has been hard for her to stop being a nanny all of these years but i can tell she is burned out from it.

 

So she has a job and some savings financially is not the biggest problem the emotional toll of this divorce is the problem. She is not outgoing she does not talk to her friends about it she is very private she would freak out if she knew i was so open on here I am being very careful to not put any names or cities so she does not find out I am discussing this on internet.

 

Does SHE want the separation or is this all you?

[bct2017]

Does SHE want the separation or is this all you?

 

all me but its been going on so many years me being undecided that i think she finally is realizing it has to end because our relationship is going no where and its all me. I keep thinking there is something better out there for me and its very sad because she is a great person. I just have had a lot of issues with her and I have anxiety and some things she cannot help like her low confidence and lack of communication skills really upset me. I have been scared to talk to other women because in my last job there were very powerful confident women and i could not help to wish my wife was more like that and I just pushed my wife away and she did not deserve it but all the love left our marriage . For awhile i was sleeping in living room because I just felt I was not happy, And I still am not sure i am doing the right thing but I feel she will be better off. I cant drag it along any longer. I wish there was a switch that could just make everything ok I am not sure if I will regret leaving. I am a mess.

[Michelle ma Belle]

all me but its been going on so many years me being undecided that i think she finally is realizing it has to end because our relationship is going no where and its all me. I keep thinking there is something better out there for me and its very sad because she is a great person. I just have had a lot of issues with her and I have anxiety and some things she cannot help like her low confidence and lack of communication skills really upset me. I have been scared to talk to other women because in my last job there were very powerful confident women and i could not help to wish my wife was more like that and I just pushed my wife away and she did not deserve it but all the love left our marriage . For awhile i was sleeping in living room because I just felt I was not happy, And I still am not sure i am doing the right thing but I feel she will be better off. I cant drag it along any longer. I wish there was a switch that could just make everything ok I am not sure if I will regret leaving. I am a mess.

 

Sorry if you already mentioned it but have you sought marriage counselling? What things have you done to try and save your marriage, if anything at all?

[bct2017]

Sorry if you already mentioned it but have you sought marriage counselling? What things have you done to try and save your marriage, if anything at all?

 

we tried marriage counseling but the therapist was overwhelmed because I have a history of menatl health issues like anxiety and OCD and depression.

 

 

So a lot of it was focused on that. Then my wife started to think when I was depressed it was her fault she still does I think.

 

Therapy did not really help my wife was not very engaged I have to try to say this in away that i do not sound mean but my wife has some type of issues she does not speak up for herself she is not proactive. She is a very simple person who does not need or expect a lot in life she actually you can say is to normal. She came from eastern europe 18 years ago so she has some of her culture mixed with who she became living here and it is unlike anyone I have ever met.

 

It is hard to explain but the fact that she is such a nice person has not helped her and it is sad. She is not an intellectual and you can say i am and that has bothered me. She is fine watching lifetime and the little people in L.A. all day long and she does not go out a lot she hates eating out thinks the food is dirty. I am a foodie I love eating out. When we do eat out she hardly talks and I get mad and I will point out to other people look everyone is talking why are we not talking and she will say i do not like to talk when I am eating.

 

When we were in miami recently in line to a restaurant another couple was talking to me she did not say one word the whole time we were in line it gave me an anxiety attack I had to hold the conversation.

 

her only family member in this city died three years ago all of her family is in europe so we have been isoloated I am not close with my family so she does not even have my family to be close to.

 

the things I have tried is just trying to be there for her and just be a good husband I was just trying to do the small things she works more hours than me so I cook dinner I clean I do dishes I shop for groceries. I make sure she has everything she needs. But emotionally I have not been close i do not hold her hand and that upsets her. We have not had sex in a year after sex I would have anxiety and guilt.

 

sorry about spelling

[bct2017]

my mental health is so bad right now with my anxiety that I feel I am having trouble even conveying on here what is going on because it is just to much. I am not sure I can convey enough to paint a picture of what is going on.

 

I may need to take a break from this because i posted so much about my life it is overwhelming.

 

I am so confused my wife will be home soon we will probably act like nothing is going on because we are tired of talking about it and we will probably do something together this weekend because we do not hang out with friends we are always together but its just to late to fix i think. She has more friends than I do I actually have zero friends my friends live in other states because i was in milatary.

 

We both have isolated ourselves because we are embarrassed of our life.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The one thing you need to know is that separation or divorce is never easy and often very painful even when you're the on initiating. And when you still care about your partner but know you can't go on the way things are, it's doubly hard. I know because I've been there.

 

I loved my husband right to the very end but I knew then that it was better to be apart than to be together and I was right. We are kinder to each other, more patient with one another, and just happier overall...once the dust settled.

 

It wasn't easy and it took a few years to sort it all out and make our own life separate from each other. We met when I was 19 and spent 20 years together so you can imagine how scary it was to be single again after all that time.

 

There are no rules that couples separating or divorcing can't continue to support one another. You seem to really care about your wife despite whatever issues mental health wise or with her. That's a really good thing and not to be dismissed. It will go a long way in helping you both heal if you choose to remain apart for good.

 

Guilt is just part of the process OP. Everyone has some kind of guilt when it comes to ending a relationship with someone you care about.

 

Good luck.

[bct2017]

The one thing you need to know is that separation or divorce is never easy and often very painful even when you're the on initiating. And when you still care about your partner but know you can't go on the way things are, it's doubly hard. I know because I've been there.

 

I loved my husband right to the very end but I knew then that it was better to be apart than to be together and I was right. We are kinder to each other, more patient with one another, and just happier overall...once the dust settled.

 

It wasn't easy and it took a few years to sort it all out and make our own life separate from each other. We met when I was 19 and spent 20 years together so you can imagine how scary it was to be single again after all that time.

 

There are no rules that couples separating or divorcing can't continue to support one another. You seem to really care about your wife despite whatever issues mental health wise or with her. That's a really good thing and not to be dismissed. It will go a long way in helping you both heal if you choose to remain apart for good.

 

Guilt is just part of the process OP. Everyone has some kind of guilt when it comes to ending a relationship with someone you care about.

 

Good luck.

 

thank you for your time and help. Glad your doing better.