Wife left me and kids after 13 years. how can a dedicated mother do this?

[jonybgood]

Well so here goes. I'm your typical alpha male. A bit controlling and very much dedicated and in love with my wife and family. Been married 13 years a couple of weeks ago and I have always thought we had a pretty good life together. At least for the last 6 years. The first seven years were pretty rough. Up and down. Some infidelity on both parts, baggage from her first marriage, insecurity, difficult financial times. All the cliches. but we really worked through all that. Forgave each other and moved on. We had a pretty good love life, and in retrospect it could have been better and we could have spent more time together one on one. But that is hindsight.

 

The problem is three months ago she told me that she did'nt love me anymore and moved out. she left the two youngest boys,6 and 10, with me and took my stepson,16, with her. I never saw this coming. Everything I have done for the past 6 years or so has been for the family. It's almost as if I have to learn to live all over again. And I don't get much time to do that because the boys are pretty demanding. I don't have much contact with adult friends as I don't have to many really close ones and the ones I do have I don't really want to smother. No contact is tough because on her two days off from work she does take the boys while I am at work.

 

Iv'e been holding on to the idea that she will be coming around and at least want to work on the marriage but she says no. I haven't been putting any pressure on her at all I'm just trying to accept her and love her where she is. The problem is that at times I get really down. I cry horribly. I feel I have lost my partner in life. We worked so hard to make everything so good and then it just fell apart and she didn't even talk to me about it. There may have been signs but she disguised them well.

 

Any suggestions? Is there any chance she will at least be willing to talk. Maybe after the giddiness of freedom wears off? Any one been through this. Also I would like to add that she has always been a very dedicated mother, but now it is like she doesn't really want anything to do with the kids. She says now she has never been happier.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by jonybgood

I cry horribly. I feel I have lost my partner in life. We worked so hard to make everything so good and then it just fell apart and she didn't even talk to me about it.

 

Tell her this. Show it to her. As much as it might hurt you.

 

I can't believe that she left her 6 and 10-year old kids. My twins are almost 7 and I can't imagine leaving them no matter what. If she was dedicated to them for 10 years, she will regret it sooner or later.

 

Perhaps you could tell her that you give her a certain amount of time to cool off and relax (say 6 months) and then discuss it all over and see if you can work on your marriage. Her answer will be NO at first but don't let it worry you. You never know. people change their minds over night.

In the meanwhile all you can do is be sweet to her, but don't make her believe that you will wait for her forever. She may not take you for granted. If she knows that you're interested (not sleeping) in someone else, she might hurry up to come back home. Act sweet but a little bit ambivalent. You know what I mean?

Most of all, make her regret what she did, but not by saying that to her. Be good to her and she will realize that she lost a good husband. right now she is recovering from the disappointment in you. Ask her why she left and what you should change. Just spontaneously and slowly try to initiate the working on your marriage.

[Outcast]

I'm your typical alpha male. A bit controlling

 

And how much, exactly, is 'a bit' controlling? Also, what did she say about why she was leaving?

[jonybgood]

good question when i say a bit controlling I do things like balance the checkbook, and set the budget. I have never said no to her if she wanted anything, but as far as where household money went, and things of that nature. But she told me she wanted me to do it. When she left and I told her I didn't understand why she said I would have to figure that one out for myself. I just dont know who she is anymore, and of course now I suspect there is someone else. Actually - I am pretty sure of it. but I definetly think it is way to soon to start seeing someone else. It seem she has resolved all these issues without me. Wont this crap come up wither new fling? Seem kind of irresponsible to me. But I know this is not the woman that I came to know and Love. Could someonf surpres who they really are for this many years, or is this a phase?

[MadManMike]

I would have to agree that she is seeing someone else. It seems to me that makes the most sense why she left the way she did. did she lose weight before she left? been on computer alot? gone on errands alot? all these are indicators of her possibly finding someone else.

[jonybgood]

Thank you for replying. I would have to say nothing more than normal. The thing is I trusted her, so if it was going on I wouldn't have any suspisions. I did know that a guy at her work (turns out I believe this guy) was bugging her alot and she said it was irritating to her. I let her handle it on her own because that is the way she wanted it. No wonder! She always talked about guys hitting on her at work she is a very attractive woman, and as far as I know she always just blew them off. and the thing about this is that this guy doesn't really have that much going for him. i'm not putting him down or anything. It's obvious that he has a moral character flaw which is the way i view any person that would come on to a married and apparently needy woman. A thief of opportunity. I know that is judgmental but it is the way I see it. So what I really want to know if anyone can give me any advise here. Do these thing blow over, with time and space or should I just rack this one up to experience and go from here? Any one out there identify with her. I would really like to get there perspective.

[Woggle]

Let her go. Women don't know the meaning of the word loyalty and sooner or later they walk out. I trust ne female with my heart anymore. File for divorce and sue for custody of your 2 boys. Record how she is saying she wants nothing to dow ith the kids because it will help you in court. The courts are more fair to men these days than they were 10 years ago. Also sue her for child support. Learn to live without her. Men neecd to stop placing so much stock in their relationships with women. Women are disposable to me. It is nice to have one around but I can be happy without them and they can be easily replaced. If you need somebody to talk to just PM me and I will give you my email address and you can write or IM me. I am always willing to help another man in need. I am divorced and instead of falling apart it was a reborth for me. I am happier now than I have ever been.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Woggle

I am happier now than I have ever been.

 

You may be happier, but you're a very bitter and resentful man. You are rude and disrespectful to all women on LS and to me that's offensive as we've done nothing to you.

 

I hope one day you get past all this anger and learn to open your heart and love again.

[Woggle]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

You may be happier, but you're a very bitter and resentful man. You are rude and disrespectful to all women on LS and to me that's offensive as we've done nothing to you.

 

I hope one day you get past all this anger and learn to open your heart and love again.

95% of women are snakes. If you are part of that 5% who are not don't get offended by what I say because it doesn't apply to you. I am nice to women on here that are nice to me but most of them take offense when I say over and over again that if they do not fit the women that i describe. Must mean that I hit a nerve and that they have a guilty heart. Truth is that when a man is good to a woman and treats her right he ends up like the threadstarter 9 times out of 10.

 

Anyway this thread is about johnnybgood not me. Let's focus on helping him.

[mrsclm]

I haven't left my husband, but perhaps I could shed some light on how she feels.

 

First, let me point out that if there is another in the relationship, that could be a whole differnt topic and you have to ask yourself if that is the case will you be able to forgive her and trust her if you do get her back.

 

You say that you are a slightly controlling "Alpha Male" I tend to like those myself, but then it gets to the point where 'wearing the pants' means that I have a curfew, I can only have same-sex friends, I get restricted from seeing my own parents due to safety issues. You see my point I am sure. To be honest with you at the beginning it did not bother me nearly as much, but now I want to rebel just for the hell of it. Even though to me most of what he says is not logical just controlling. So after a period of time trying to work through it, ignore it or change myself to make it work I have found myself telling him what a controlling jerk I think he is and that has not done anything positive for his attitude. She may have felt the same, but was not comfortable telling you or did not know how you would react or felt that you would react in a manner she did not want to experience.

 

She said you would have to figure out why she left you. Maybe she had already talked to you about what was bothering her but you didn't catch on or you did not treat her concerns as important. Maybe she found out something you did not know she had found out (cheating, perhaps). Ask her to tell you. Most women will be able to talk to you given enough time to cool down. Explain to her that you really don't know what happened and that even if it does not change the outcome you would like to know.

[ollydolly]

Originally posted by Woggle

Let her go. Women don't know the meaning of the word loyalty and sooner or later they walk out. I trust no female with my heart anymore.

 

I would say let her go, but the rest of this comment is cynicism.

 

A lot of women crave loyalty from men and have found it hard to come by.

 

It sounds as though she has found someone else and has not the guts to inform you of it directly. Very cowardly on her part, if this is so.

 

I left my marriage of ten years, dissolved our family unit of three kids (we have shared custody). I deemed my husband too emotionally sterile to stay with. Loyalty had nothing to do with it. If a woman stays with a man against her better judgment, that "loyalty" is misguided and may be nothing more than a spirit of sacrifice which will end in cancer or some other illness.

 

My H was devastated but remarried before the year was out - I guess we women are replaceable and I had no problem with him moving on.

 

I have never regretted what I did, it was a choice of pain for me (in staying) or pain for him (in leaving). My committment to my Self was the higher value to me. Simple.

 

It is odd that she has virtually turned her back on her boys. My guess is that she feels she has had to put every body else first and her Self last. This choice she has made is indicative of a woman who will now place her own happiness first. Of course this may back fire as not many mothers can sustain "happiness" at the expense of abandoning their children when they are little.

[ollydolly]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

You may be happier, but you're a very bitter and resentful man. You are rude and disrespectful to all women on LS and to me that's offensive as we've done nothing to you.

 

For god's sake Whichwayisup, he is expressing his experience and the conclusions he came to, it has nothing to do with you. I, as a woman, do not feel offended by what he said.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Woggle

 

95% of women are snakes. If you are part of that 5% who are not don't get offended by what I say because it doesn't apply to you. I am nice to women on here that are nice to me but most of them take offense when I say over and over again that if they do not fit the women that i describe. Must mean that I hit a nerve and that they have a guilty heart. Truth is that when a man is good to a woman and treats her right he ends up like the threadstarter 9 times out of 10.

 

Anyway this thread is about johnnybgood not me. Let's focus on helping him.

 

Yup, you're right, this thread is about jbg, not you. I'm sorry.

[Woggle]

In a way I am moving past the anger. I take my anger and convert it into positive energy. It has allowed me to acheive things in my life that I never dreamed of. My life is great right now and I have many good friends. My attitude is that women come and go. My ex-wife begs me to take her back because she is shocked by what I did with my life after the divorce but she had her chance and blew it when she cheated. I don't expect them to stick around through thick and thin and I don't expect them to be loyal. Women to me are just for fun.

[whichwayisup]

Right now you have nothing to lose, so lay it ALL out on the line for her. How you feel, what you want and HOW to make things better for the both of you.

 

Was there ever any marriage counsilling in the past? Seems you both made mistakes, nobody's perfect here and pointing fingers isn't a good way of handling this right now.

 

I know you're hurt and all too, maybe one on one counsilling would be good for you??? Just a suggestion...

 

The problem is three months ago she told me that she did'nt love me anymore and moved out. she left the two youngest boys,6 and 10, with me and took my stepson,16, with her.

 

This, I don't understand...She left the kids with you, but took her own son with her...Ouch for you and even more so, your kids! They must be very confused about this and hurt too.

 

I've not been through this so I don't know what really to say except love your kids, show them and tell them everyday! Right now they are your life and your inspiration to keep afloat.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Woggle

In a way I am moving past the anger. I take my anger and convert it into positive energy. It has allowed me to acheive things in my life that I never dreamed of. My life is great right now and I have many good friends. My attitude is that women come and go. My ex-wife begs me to take her back because she is shocked by what I did with my life after the divorce but she had her chance and blew it when she cheated. I don't expect them to stick around through thick and thin and I don't expect them to be loyal. Women to me are just for fun.

 

I sent you a PM before you posted this...

[Ladyjane14]

I'm at a loss as to why your wife left the two youngest at home. And also, as Mrsclm pointed out, I'm puzzled by her comment of 'you figure it out'. That really does infer that you should have some knowledge of why she left you.

 

(Brilliant post by Mrsclm, btw....and well-worth reading twice for the sake of it's unique perspective.)

 

I'm afraid I can't identify at all with a woman who would find her home so oppressive that she, herself, must leave it....and then leave the kids behind. So, I have no input to offer you.

 

But I do think that the key to finding out why your relationship has deteriorated to this point, might be in finding out what her mindset was in her decision to leave the kids behind.

[jonybgood]

Well once again thank you all for your continued support and feedback. I've only been here for two days, but the insight has been helpful.

 

Just to answer a few more questions that came up though. As far as counseling - unfortunately no we didn't go, although in retrospect we should have. I was just dumb enough to believe we could love all the bs away. As I posted earlier she brought alot of baggage to our marriage. A sexually and mentally abusive childhood from the time she was born. and a ex-husband who both physically, sexually and mentally abused her. That guy had problems.

 

As far as the controlling thing I only controlled the thing she wanted me to. I never told her what to do, I did make suggestions though. As a matter of fact I even encouraged her to do things for herself and take time for herself but alot of times she just wouldn't. she wanted to put the children first. What a trade off that turned out to be. Now she is doing alot of the things I always wanted to do with her (but she wouldn't do) with her new "friend" and of course this friend "wants nothing more than too be a friend" ( I don't know if she really believes that or she is just saying it to make herself feel better) No adult man out there washes and details a single woman's car, buys her kids a play station two,gives her a big screen TV, takes her and my children to the zoo among other things and just wants to be friends)

 

So this morning I when she picked up the children for her day because she had to, I told her that I love her unconditionally, I told her that I do really accept her for who she is because I believe she is still the good person I always thought she was. I think she is confused but I did not tell her that. she replied thats fine but you must know we will never be more than friends. I wasn't real surprised by that answer though it did hurt a little I did not show it.

 

So now I think I am in for the long haul I hope this is just a thing she is going through and we do become her priority again.

[Woggle]

Face it man it's over. See a divorce lawyer and cut your losses.

[ollydolly]

Yeah, it's over. I'm sorry.

[Ladyjane14]

It sounds like "the friend" is the problem.

 

I wondered earlier why a woman would leave her children behind. I just don't understand it.

 

That said, six and eight year-olds can't keep secrets. Not with any sort of reliability anyhow.

 

I don't want to jump to conclusions....but it doesn't sound to me like the alleged "control" issues were a deciding factor. If she found the home oppressive to her, it's quite a leap of faith to assume she doesn't believe the same on behalf of her children. She MUST trust you in your role as a father in order to leave the children in your custody.

 

That suggests to me that she may be exploring the possibilities of "the single life". I hope you won't convict without facts though, not based on what ANYONE posts here in this forum. But I do think that perhaps an investigation is in order.

 

What do you know about her "friend"? Is he himself married or otherwise committed?

[jonybgood]

Don't know much about him accept he is a cook at the restaurant where she works. When he first started she would complain about him alot saying that he made sexually explicit comments about her. Now she tells me that he has changed and none of that matters. I do know that he is single, as he would always ask her when she was going to leave her husband for her. should have confronted him about it, but thats not what I am about. I am all about trust. Guess the jokes on me. Our 16 year old that lives with her can't stand him, and doesn't feel he can talk to her either. Whenever any of the children bring me up she snaps at them. Actually they say she goes ballistic. I wonder even though she says she is happy and she would never tell me any different if there is depression or a midlife crises going on. She is partying alot now too or so I am told.

[Neptune]

So, just get ready for her to want to come back. But probably not before things have

run their course. I am only saying this because it seems most of the situations I have observed such as this the woman does indeed try to come back. But, ironically, the husband has usually seen enough by that time to change his mind about getting back together!

[Ladyjane14]

If she's in her mid-thirties, then yeah...there could be something of a female mid-life crisis going on.

 

What are you hoping will be the final outcome here? Would you still love her and want her back if she's living "the single life" and seeing other men? What if she's had sexual contact outside the marriage?

 

I think that you might need to spend a little time in the inner exploration of your feelings here. The knee-jerk reaction is usually to "fix" the relationship. But sometimes, it's a good thing to take some time for yourself and decide if that is truly what you want.

 

Because the road to recovery is hard. It requires dedication. And it is too OFTEN fruitless.

 

When a marriage is recovered, it can come back stronger than ever....but man, it ain't EVER easy.

[jonybgood]

Thank you for the encouragement. That is why I said earlier I am in it for the long haul. I have certain beliefs about the sanctity of the marriage, and I have already given myself at a minimum two year time frame. Can I forgive her? Yes probably I could, but I do get discouraged whenever she says I am not coming back. Even though I have not asked her. She acts real angry with me because I only say that no matter what I will continue to love her. Not obsess over her. i wont obsess, or allow myself to be addicted, over anyone. But love and accept. The forgiveness thing is something that is a mute point unless she wants to come back, but I believe I could.