Wife left me and kids after 13 years. how can a dedicated mother do this?

[RecordProducer]

It seems to me like she got tired of being married and wants to have fun again. That's why she left and she even ran away from the obligations towards the kids. Now she enjoys her life and you chasing after her makes her feel even better. Actually the more you're persuading her to come back home the more she refuses the idea and the 3rd person gets more interested in her.

I think you should give her a deadline until which you will wait for her, e.g. one month (if you're willing to, of course). You should give her the kids more often just to remind her that she is a mother and she can't divorce the children. Tell her you're going on a trip or you're sick or whatever, just leave the kids with her. They need a mother, they're small children, especially the 6-y.o. The "friend" won't enjoy being with your kids all the time. He'll probably disappear from the picture soon enough.

OMG, I could never abandon my kiddies.

 

LadyJane, they already had had sexual contacts outside the marriage, both of them at the beginning.

[jonybgood]

Ladyjane, thank you so much - think I'll take a vacation. 4 or 5 days out of town may be good. Was thinking of that anyway. Yes the guy is good to the kids now, but wait until they fight for three days straight, and will not give him any quality time alone with her. I KNOW what that can do to a guy. lol

[Woggle]

Also remember Johnny if you get teh kids it is possible to sue a female for child support.

[jonybgood]

sorry record producer I meant to give credit where credit is due for the vacation idea. You all have been very helpful with your insight.

[jonybgood]

Yes, but my ultimate goal is to give some time and see if she wants to reconcile this thing. woggle it seems you are kind of sour on any idea that would involve forgiveness on my part, but given my goal - and that I don't need the money( I am blessed with a great career) - and she doesn't make much, wouldn't suing her for support be detrimental to where i would like us to go? and can I do it even if we are not divorced?

[Woggle]

Originally posted by jonybgood

Yes, but my ultimate goal is to give some time and see if she wants to reconcile this thing. woggle it seems you are kind of sour on any idea that would involve forgiveness on my part, but given my goal - and that I don't need the money( I am blessed with a great career) - and she doesn't make much, wouldn't suing her for support be detrimental to where i would like us to go? and can I do it even if we are not divorced?

 

Yes file for divorce. That is where it is headed anyway. This marriage will not last. It is not a matter of if it will end but when. Why woukd you want to be with somebody that is putting you through this anyway. There has to be a spearation for support but a man can get it from a woman. My divorce lawyer told me of cases where he got child and even alimony for a man. I know everybody else on here will be all pc and tell you try to work it out and be nice but I will give you the real. It is over and she is most likely cheating on you. You are too good for her. You deserve better. Also even if you have a great career and she doesn't make much she still has an obligation to her children. Also if she is avoding thema dn screaming at them when she sees them tell that to the judge. Don;t be afraid to be ruthless. She might try to rape you in court so strike first.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Woggle

1.Yes file for divorce.

 

2. This marriage will not last.

 

3. Why would you want to be with somebody that is putting you through this anyway?

 

4. There has to be a spearation for support but a man can get it from a woman.

 

5. It is over and she is most likely cheating on you.

 

6. You are too good for her. You deserve better.

 

7. Also even if you have a great career and she doesn't make much she still has an obligation to her children.

 

8. She might try to rape you in court so strike first.

 

1. You can't tell him what to do. It's his life!

 

2. You don't know that.

 

3. None of your business, Woogle, he has his own reasons.

 

4. He doesn't care about her money. He has plenty of his own. neither does he care about punishing her financially.

 

5. They are separated so she is not cheating.

 

6. And again, you don't know that!

 

7. Her obligation is to be a mother, not to give them the only thing they don't need from her - money.

 

8. He doesn't want to strike. He wants to reconcile.

 

With all respect, dear Woogle, don't advise people that all women are lying and cheating whores. Men aren't all saints either, ya know. And not all women are bitches. Get real, dude! Your mind is blurred by your awful experience. Things are not black OR white.

[Woggle]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

1. You can't tell him what to do. It's his life!

 

2. You don't know that.

 

3. None of your business, Woogle, he has his own reasons.

 

4. He doesn't care about her money. He has plenty of his own. neither does he care about punishing her financially.

 

5. They are separated so she is not cheating.

 

6. And again, you don't know that!

 

7. Her obligation is to be a mother, not to give them the only thing they don't need from her - money.

 

8. He doesn't want to strike. He wants to reconcile.

 

With all respect, dear Woogle, don't advise people that all women are lying and cheating whores. Men aren't all saints either, ya know. And not all women are bitches. Get real, dude! Your mind is blurred by your awful experience. Things are not black OR white.

 

Take it from me this marriage is over. He came on this board asking for advice and I give it to him. Sorry it is not the nice mushy crap that the rest of this board is tellingf but it is reality. He needs to learn to be happy single not beg a woman who treats him like crap to take him back.

[jonybgood]

With all due respect Woggle you do not sound happily adjusted. In order to find true happiness you must learn the power of forgiveness. You actually convey yourself as quite bitter still. I could not imagine having a relationship with anyone carrying that kind of hatred around. Just my observation.

 

Now to get something strait for all: I am not BEGGING anyone for anything, but if realizing that we both made some mistakes in our relationship - even when I thought things were great - and taking steps to not do these things anymore will restore what could be a great relationship then I do feel that is the best thing for all involved. The children, myself, and yes even her. Yes I do have the intestinal fortitude to stick it out and I know what that entails. My biggest concern is that does someone like my wife who basically expounds on a daily basis that we are through eventually realize that what she is looking for is right where she left it?

 

A revelation - While having a discussion with her last evening on the telephone she mentioned to me that she had never done anything for herself. Well while that is not true I can see where she may feel that she did put herself behind the family on a list of priorities quite often, as did I. But I don't have a problem with that. And I have always encouraged her to do things for herself - it was her own choice. Will she remember this and stop blaming me for the fact that she chose these actions. I think her little statement really opens my eyes to alot of things even though she would not tell me. Maybe this is a freedom thing. trying to recapture her youth and all that. Is this normal? I guess I'm just holding on for hope.

[Woggle]

Man you need to grow some balls. It was her choice not yours so why are you blaming yourself. I am not bitter I am just living in reality. That is so typical of women to have an issue in their life and then blame their husband. We are always the ones at fault. I am sorry but if you did this everybody on this board would be calling you a jerk but she gets sympathy? That is a blatent double standard. She will not take you back. She has it in her mind that you are the source of her unhappines and she will always resent you. Even of by some miracle she does go bacl she will always be angry with you. Just let it go and start being happy without her. Take a cue from her and start doing things for yourself. Also I bet I am happier than most men on this board. While they cry becaus etheir wife left them I make great money, I own my home, travel often and I have a few women who are nothing more than sex buddies. The other men on the other hand sit home and cry and change who they are in order to win back their self absorbed bitchy wives. Be more like me.

[izzybelle]

jbg -

 

your situ is frightening similar to that of the SG i'm currently seeing. his wife walked out a little over a year ago although she emotionally left the marriage long before that. while she didn't leave her kids behind, it was pretty clear to him that she didn't want the full-time responsibilty of being a mom. and she was having an affair, and is now with a diff guy and talking seriously of marrying. and as much as he says he's ok with it all, he's far from it.

 

like you, he had tried to hang on for the longest time, wanting to give her a 2nd chance and in some ways, i still wonder if he would now, even though their D is now final and he's not entirely happy with the woman she's become. but he still carries that torch, i see it, as do his close friends. sometimes things are just over and you have to let go. and while you may not have reached that point yet where you know that there's no more you can do, i hate to say it, but it sounds as though it's headed that way.

 

while i understand your desire to still try to work things out, and it's still too early to say to throw in the towel, you may want to start preparing yourself for that. or for the possibility that she may get tired of the "single life" come back, only to decide in a few years that it really was more fun. take care of yourself. another male friend of mine, who also went through a similar situ has probably adjusted to the whole thing much better than most. while he knew that the marriage failing was due to both parties, he's spent A LOT of time figuring out where he went wrong, what he needed to change, what he wanted to change, and what things were just the way he was and that was that. he was devastated but he's come out of it a better person and a much more devoted dad.

 

the path is yours to chose to some extent. she has the choice of whether or not she'll consider coming back but the decision is also yours. and if it does end, the decision of how you choose to deal with it and move on with your life, is yours and only yours. don't get bitter like some. sure there are woman out their who are snakes, men too. and while i won't go as far as saying that it's 95% there are a bunch. of course i'd say that anyone who was willing to treat women as disposable is definitely counted in that group.

 

take care. get IC if you feel it could help but most of all try to bring some happiness into your life.

[RecordProducer]

JBG, I believe it's possible that she's trying to live her life to the fullest, because she believes she didn't have that chance when she was with you. Nobody knows whether she will change her mind and come back or this is permanent. I don't think she will permanently leave the kids.

As much as it may sound like she doesn't care about you, I think this is a part of her revenge to you. She wanted to leave you alone with the kids so you can see how it feels maybe? Perhaps she has given up some dreams for you. Maybe she thinks you took her for granted and didn't show enough affection? She said "you figure it out!" so in her eyes, it's your fault.

In my opinion what matters is whether she still loves you or not. If there's love in her heart then there is chance for you to get back together.

I would try slowly and gradually. Ask her to just meet you and talk to you with no obligation whatsoever to discuss your marriage. Ask her in the fly what was she unhappy about in the marriage. Say "you're right and I am sorry" no matter how you feel about it. Start from there. She is entitled to her own feelings in any case. Facts may be different from different points of view, but feelings are facts too and we can't change them by persuasion.

[rble618740]

jonybgood:

 

After nine months of marriage, my husband decided that we had made a mistake. He walked out during an argument and moved his things out of our apartment the next day. When we next spoke, he said he was sure we couldn't fix our problems. Since we had no children, hadn't bought a house, etc. - he thought it was the best time to throw in the towel. I told him I disagreed and asked him if we could have one good conversation about what we each needed in our marriage before he finalized his decision. He agreed. He came to our apartment and we spent the day acknowledging our screw ups, talking about what we would need to do to fix it, and discussing whether fixing it was feasible. I did not beg him to come back. I told him that I disagreed that our marriage was hopeless, but that I had no control over his decision. I assured my husband that I would be a better person for this experience even if he didn't come home. I told him I loved him and wanted to work on us, but that I would be o.k. if he decided to end things. My husband agreed to go to one session with a marriage counselor. For 2 1/2 months my husband was on the fence about us (sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for over a week). Instead of reacting to his decisions, I decided that I wanted to work on my marriage and I did so - without his help and knowing that he might decide to end it. I was determined that I couldn't do anything about his decision, but I was going to do what I thought was right - work on our marriage. Worst case scenario, our marriage ends with me knowing I did everything within my power to save it. Best case scenario, he gets on board and we have a better marriage than we thought possible.

 

I went through months of agony. Sometimes I wanted to give up - but it was to end the horrible pain I was feeling. Finally, one day, I woke up and I felt like I could peacefully make a decision about my future. It wasn't about the pain, I just became comfortable that it was time for me to move on. On that day, I told my husband that I didn't want to date him anymore. That I thought I was enabling him NOT to make a decision instead of helping our marriage. I told him not to call or come to my apartment unless he wanted to talk about our marriage. I also told him that I had gotten divorce papers. I explained that I hadn't done that to threaten him, but that instead - I just thought it was fair to let him know that I would not live in limbo forever.

 

The following Friday, my husband asked to come home. He has been there ever since and our marriage has been incredible. We've each made significant efforts towards the improvement of our marriage. It's been great.

 

I tell you this to make two points: 1. No one else can tell you when it's time to give up. If someone else pushes you into that decision, you won't have peace about it. Make that decision only when you feel it's the right decision. 2. I sense that you are religious, as I am. I abhor divorce and, honestly, it was that conviction (moreso than my love for my husband -b/c through our separation, sometimes I couldn't stand him) that made me hold on to my marriage. But...you don't have to live with adultery. If you are Christian (and I'm kinda' guessin' that you are), the Bible does not require you to stay married to an adulterer. You do not live in suffering forever. Pray for guidance. One day, you'll wake up and the peace that you feel about ending it - will let you know that it's o.k. Don't make your decision during heated emotion, do it after careful reflection about whether ending it is right.

 

Sorry to be so long-winded but, I have wrestled with some of what you're trying to get your mind and heart around.

[ollydolly]

Originally posted by Woggle

Also I bet I am happier than most men on this board. While they cry becaus etheir wife left them I make great money, I own my home, travel often and I have a few women who are nothing more than sex buddies. The other men on the other hand sit home and cry and change who they are in order to win back their self absorbed bitchy wives. Be more like me.

 

Whilst I like your blatant cockiness Woggle, you are on the fast track to emotional sterility.

 

Men that try this hard are not doing it because they have no balls, it is precisely because they have balls that they try this hard to UNDERSTAND themselves and a woman they have loved deeply. It is called searching for REAL intimacy. Now, he may not find it with this particular woman and I think he knows that deep down, but his desire to understand what happened rather than just forget and find a sex buddy to numb out the rejection, is going to make him one hell of a man who will end up in some lucky woman's arms one of these days.

 

Also Woggle, once people become emotionally sterile in intimacy, sexual impotence is not far behind.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by Woggle

Also I bet I am happier than most men on this board. While they cry becaus etheir wife left them I make great money, I own my home, travel often and I have a few women who are nothing more than sex buddies. The other men on the other hand sit home and cry and change who they are in order to win back their self absorbed bitchy wives. Be more like me.

 

I'll take that bet ..

 

I don't think that your are happy..Your posts say a lot about inside woggles head..

 

My happiness comes from within..

 

It comes from my sobority, my love for my family, the love for myself and the person I am

 

It doesn't come from any material possession I own..

 

Like you I own my own home.. Several actually..I own several companies and have some really nice women that I date on occasion..

 

I think you a very sad man and a very unhappy man woggle.. But I like the fact you are here posting getting rid of your hostility toward others..and learning about yourself.. You are on your way to being happy again.

[Ladyjane14]

Very moving post, rble618740....as always. I think you very aptly exemplified how patience, constancy, and persistance can pay off.

 

But I'm also reminded of something by Woggle's posts as well. And that very important something is....accountability for a person's actions.

 

Jonybgood is the BEST judge of his situation, and he'll make his decisions in accordance with whatever he feels is best.

 

That said, I hope Jony, that you won't allow anxiety of your wife's reaction to make those decisions FOR you.

 

I think that for a person who wants to save the marriage at all costs, that the marriagebuilders plan is a useful tool. You can "Plan A" by presenting your wife with the most attractive alternative to her current destructive path.

 

In Plan A, you are pleasant, you are attractive, you are ALL the wonderful things that she first fell in love with. But you are also FIRM. Firm in your stance, and firm on holding her to accountability on her decisions.

 

A person can't just 'walk out' on their responsibilities. A woman who is NOT currently sharing 50/50 joint custody is just as accountable for child support as any man. And it doesn't matter to a court of law if you make more money or not. Her responsibility is still hers. You actually ENABLE her behavior when you make these allowances for her.

 

You don't want to help a WS (wayward spouse) to actively destroy her marriage. A WS cannot be reasoned with....and they don't see the situation with any kind of clarity. They've re-written the history of the marriage to suit their foggy thinking. They've tailored their current view to fit their needs. And what they need is to justify their actions so that they don't feel bad about their decisions.

 

So, in Plan A....you're sweet, you're nice, and you're attractive....but you inject reality into the WS's fantasy-life by insisting on accountability in regards to familial responsibilty.

 

See a lawyer.

[jonybgood]

Ladyjane, excellent advice. I really have gotten alot of great feedback from this site. From the bottom of my heart I thank you all. I am committed to doing the things I need to do to see this thing through if at all possible. I just pray for strength to do the right things. I am going to see an attorney to discuss my options. I can see your point about making her live up to her responsibilities and not just allowing her to walk away from all of them. I know it in my heart but I guess i'm still just scared if I make her mad she might hate me. But as I see it now she already alienates me pretty badly and what I have been doing isn't working so what the heck. Can you tell me what this marriage builders thing you talked about is?

[Ladyjane14]

You'll need to google for it. Links are removed by the mods. Marriagebuilders.com>>>Basic Concepts>>>How to Survive Infidelity.

 

Good Luck.

[Sal Paradise]

She was probably cheating on you before she left. I wouldn't take her back. Anyone woman who abandons her kids is garbage.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

She was probably cheating on you before she left. I wouldn't take her back. Anyone woman who abandons her kids is garbage.

 

And this is supposed to be constructive advice and help?!?!?!

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

And this is supposed to be constructive advice and help?!?!?!

 

And telling him what he wants to hear is? I'd think he rather hear the truth than the sugar coated version. The truth is in situations such as his there is often an affair as the root cause.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

She was probably cheating on you before she left. I wouldn't take her back. Anyone woman who abandons her kids is garbage.

 

You said "PROBABLY".. you are making assumptios that hurt him really bad and are not proven as truth... if you don't understand what damage you make to people by doing it then you should question ytour intelligence...

Secondly, what's constructive about you calling his wife garbage? Especially because he wants to reconcile with her. He has two children with her. You sounds liem you have no kids, never been marriade and don't have a clue what life is all about anyway!

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

You said "PROBABLY".. you are making assumptions that hurt him really bad and are not proven as truth... if you don't understand what damage you make to people by doing it then you should question your intelligence...

Secondly, what's constructive about you calling his wife garbage? Especially because he wants to reconcile with her. He has two children with her. You sounds like you have no kids, never been marriage and don't have a clue what life is all about anyway!

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

You said "PROBABLY".. you are making assumptios that hurt him really bad and are not proven as truth... if you don't understand what damage you make to people by doing it then you should question ytour intelligence...

Secondly, what's constructive about you calling his wife garbage? Especially because he wants to reconcile with her. He has two children with her. You sounds liem you have no kids, never been marriade and don't have a clue what life is all about anyway!

 

 

Any person (man or woman) who abandons their kids for any reason is garbage in my eyes. If you can excuse that behavior then so be it. But I don't. This is a forum. A forum is for the exchanging of idea's and or opinions. I was doing just that.

 

One does not need to have kids to know abandoning them is wrong. Just like one does not need to be a woman to know rape is wrong. If it was some dead beat dad would you be so forgiving? I think not.

 

Very often on this board most of the advice is based on assumptions. Actually the majority of the advice is based on assumptions. Anytime someone asks whats going on with their husband or wife and they list the "symptoms" or "change in behavior" and people give their "opinion" on what is causing the change it is an "assumption." You made some posts based on assumptions in this thread yourself. Don't be a hypocrite.

 

[jonybgood]

Wow - OK guys don't fight. The fact is that I appreciate everyones opinion on this thread. This thread has helped me through a few very difficult days. And rest assured I will make my own decision on how to handle things. I just wanted opinions if anyone had them and of course Love-shack came through for me. Thank you once again. if anyone else has an opinion or personal experience in this kind of thing I would love to hear it.

 

As of tonight I am going out with my friends for the first time. I am getting a babysitter and I and going to try to do something for myself for once. I have spent so much time figuring things out for myself and my boys that I just need a break from it all. And I am going to take one.

 

God I just hope I don't see her out with him, that would hurt me badly and I would be done for the night(or about a week or two). The problem is I don't know where they go I just know they go on the town every night partying. Well wish me good luck.