Need on Controlling Mother in Adulthood

[katelewbowski09]

Hello All.

 

Recently I made the decision to come back home and recuperate after a few years of traveling/ volunteer work around the world. I am now back home with my mother and brother. Ever since I came back home, I knew that I would be taking off in another year, or few--to--several months once I figured out where I wanted to go next in life. The trouble is, my mother really enables my brother and I to be dependent on her. Don’t get me wrong, I am endlessly grateful for the financial support, home cooked meals & all around easy lifestyle I have when I am back home, but I am now in my late twenties I'd really rather not have it. I don’t want to end up like my dependent brother who can’t even do a load of laundry on his own, or buy a tube of toothpaste with his own money. That's another thing--my brother has become extremely narcissistic and dominating in my absence. He has taken over the house and doesn't allow my mother, or I to have any private time without him running down the stairs, or listening at the balcony to overhear our conversations. It was really bad when I first came back, and now I just try to tolerate it, even though it's completely suffocating.

 

Whenever I talk about leaving or moving again someday my mom either accuses me of “threatening her,” or becomes very emotional and upset with me. I know she really enjoys having me home to upset the dynamic between her & my brother but the suburb where I am is incredibly small with no real opportunities for work other than the local grocery store.

With somebody who has wanderlust and high reaching ambitions in life, I really get depressed being back here for longer than a year. I feel guilt and responsibility whenever I dream big and plan on moving away again, (only a couple states away). My mother cannot emotionally handle much these days after my father passed away, but at the same time, she has my brother, a good job & is in pretty good health—however she fears every little thing--highway driving, the idea of me being out late and freaks out if I’m gone for too long on a walk around the subdivision. I’m really dreading the day where I have to sit down and tell her that I’m moving again (she didn’t even want me to get a hatchback car when I moved back because she didn’t want me to leave). I know this is all apart of being a mother and parents will feel concern over their child’s well-being way into adulthood but I feel like she wants to keep my inside this bubble and it’s driving me crazy. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation when they felt forced to not leave home? I wish she would be supportive of my endeavors because I am genuinely exited about the thought of making it on my own. How can I talk to her (she is rather controlling) without upsetting her? I am very grateful for all that she does for me, but I am beginning to feel a little resentful.

 

Please post your thoughts

--Katie

Edited July 14, 2017 by katelewbowski09

[preraph]

Report your brother to your local agency that looks in to make sure there's not elder type abuse if he gets out of hand and she is so afraid of him she doesn't want to be alone with him. She's not bright for enabling that.

 

Your mother has a fear of losing something else. My mother got like that real bad in her old age, fretting about everything. Be glad your mom is working and has other things on her mind. You can't enable her by staying there to keep her from dealing with things. Suggest she see a counselor if she gets too melodramatic about it.

 

If I were you I'd get far away from there.

[katelewbowski09]

thank you very much for the reply.