I don't trust myself to make a decision.

[daveavery8067]

I think I want a divorce, but my wife doesn't. I feel like all I do is get outside opinions from friends, my family and my therapist.

 

The issue is that we have a 4 year old daughter and generally get along well, but have been trying for two years and the situation has not improved.

 

We haven't been intimate in a year (my fault).

 

We also have an open marriage and I do love another woman, but I am not planning on moving in with her if we divorce. I feel like that's a classic mistake.

 

Opening our marriage was a mistake as well because it allowed me to fall in love with someone else.

 

My wife has a boyfriend who loves her too, but she tells me she feels guilty to feel the same for him.

 

My wife and I have been together for 12 years and have had problems, as most couples do.

 

On an emotional and spiritual level, I feel more connected with my girlfriend. But my practical mind is telling me to do the nearly impossible (at this point) and work it out with my wife.

 

She tries to keep our dynamic the same it was 5 years ago (always pointing out our history and that we grew up together), but I can't keep leading her on if I'm not even sure I see a future. I'm waiting for her to ask me to move out, I'm also waiting for my girlfriend to break it off with me because of the control my wife has over our relationship. So it's a bad place to be, I'm basically waiting for someone to tell me to **** off.

 

My wife is looking for blame in this situation , and my girlfriend is who she blames, but I've feel detached from the marriage for a very long time. As friends, we are great. As lovers, not so much.

 

I really feel like I just need to live alone and be alone for a while, I was always in a relationship... Feel really trapped right now by my inability to create a shift in this situation. Both women want me, but I want my girlfriend in an emotional sense, and to stay in the house from a practical sense, but who wants a marriage like this?

 

My wife have talks about this constantly, and it always leads to tears on her end. I just can't find words of comfort because I feel like I mentally checked out from the marriage. So I can't tell her everything will be OK. All I can do is say that she doesn't deserve a marriage like this and I'm sorry. But when she brings up how much she will miss me, and how I support her, it just kills me that I don't call my girlfriend right then and break it off. I couldn't get myself to do that for the past year and I just feel totally paralyzed.

 

Is there something to be said about this? I've been with my girlfriend for 17 months now and if there was any New Raltuonship Energy fog, it should have faded by now.

Edited July 14, 2017 by daveavery8067
Simplifying

[aileD]

You need to break it off with your girlfriend, she needs to break it off with her boyfriend and you both need to give the relationship an honest effort with no outside influences and you need to do this for your daughter.

 

If it doesn't work out then, separate with no one else involved. Your child wil thank you for that later in life .

[SammySammy]

If you think about it, you're alone now. You have it all, but have nothing.

 

I don't think running away will solve this problem.

 

Let's be honest, you're not going to leave your girlfriend to have a sexless relationship with your wife. Not going to happen

 

The solution is to rekindle the romance and sex life with your wife. I believe that will involve closing your marriage - on both ends. While rebuilding the marriage from the ground up. Communication, trust, respect, intimacy, appreciation, ... all of that.

 

It's going to take a lot of work, patience, and forgiveness, but that little girl is worth it. I also believe your wife is worth it. Worth giving it one more shot before throwing it all away.

[somanymistakes]

If, as you say, you're basically waiting for someone else to tell you to leave... I think this sounds like a situation where you need to take control of your own life.

 

To me, you actually do sound like a candidate for a trial separation. I think you need to take some time to yourself to contemplate your life without any relationships (except the one with your daughter, because you can't give that up!)

 

Tell your girlfriend that you are, at least temporarily, breaking it off with her, and that you cannot promise you will ever come back. This isn't the same as "I will definitely never come back", of course, but it is a "don't wait for me". Because you know you can't make her any promises right now with the situation you're in. Don't lie to her and say mean things just to make her go away, but give her the freedom to make her own choices without consulting you. You need to count her out of the picture for a while in order to take stock of your life. While you are gone, you must maintain STRICT no-contact with your girlfriend. Don't talk to her, don't email her, don't let her contact you, don't check up on her on social media - for this time period, pretend that she doesn't exist. This is temporary, but you need her out of your head for a little bit.

 

Then, stay somewhere other than your marital home for a little while. It doesn't have to be a long while. You probably don't need six months of being a monk (and that would suck for your daughter anyway). A week or two in a hotel room might give you the refresher you need. During this time, you can contact your wife but only in limited amounts, and you should definitely still spend time with your daughter. The idea of this is not really to make you feel like a single man, but just to clear your head a little and make you more aware of what your life actually is and what you really want out of it.

 

I'm not going to propose any solutions after that point, you don't need more random people telling you what to do. You need to sit down and think about what YOU want to do, without feeling pressure all around you.

 

.. I mean, I'm very nosy, I'd love to propose ideas but I don't think it would actually be good for you in the long term.