elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 The silent treatment is not about cooling off after an argument or a need for space or the refusal to discuss a controversial subject further, the silent treatment is using the "cold shoulder" and refusing to speak, as a tool to abuse, punish, disempower, and/or manipulate another person. The silent treatment is an abusive method of control, punishment, avoidance, or disempowerment (sometimes these four types overlap, sometimes not) that is a favorite tactic of narcissists, and especially those who have a hard time with impulse control, that is, those with more infantile tendencies...it can make the person on the receiving end feel powerless, invisible, intimidated, insignificant, “dissed”, looked down on, disapproved of, guilty, frustrated, and even angry.The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally. Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Shutting down completely is never right....I see it as kinda like this scenario... Sit down to eat dinner...Guy doesn't like the food...Doesn't say much after the meal and didn't eat much...He's not saying much, and thinking about what hamburger joint might be on the way home and he's starving..She says.."what's wrong? is everything ok? You didn't eat much..".,...He says"wasn't that hungry, kind of tired....no problems here"...and the night continues, but she senses something is "just not right"... fast forward the following day.. Its either blown over and forgotten...Or if she brings it up again, he could say something like " yeah, I was kinda tired, but im also not so much of a big fan of onions either, so I cut it short"...then the impact is completely different...She can even laugh it off at that point... See, its tough for many guys to be directly and verbally confrontational with women...Most of us, even if we don't particularly like a woman, won't want to hurt feelings, so rather than engage, we withdraw....we' may hash it out with a buddy, but wont generally engage.. Its just not a "male" thing to do a woman (engage or talk something out)...Guys can do this with other guys because the responses usually don't come with any drama or histrionics...This aspect probably frustrates many women(understandably), but I really don't know how you can change it...Its inherently the way we operate.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 How To Deal With Jerks: Give Them The Silent Treatment Excerpt: Giving someone the silent treatment may not always be such a bad thing. It may actually be a good way to deal with someone who is acting like a jerk, a new study finds. The research reveals there are benefits to cutting off conversation with a person who is being obnoxious: It's not as draining on your mental resources, you avoid conflict with someone offensive, and it's much simpler than getting into a heated discussion. That's because the silent treatment can speak volumes, even when someone is not saying a word or limiting their conversation to short or one-syllable responses. From a psychological standpoint, this brush-off technique is largely viewed in a negative light. It's considered a manipulative way to communicate dissatisfaction and a passive form of rejection. But this new research has identified at least some situations when silence might be golden: When people are strongly motivated to avoid social interaction with an undesirable person, giving the silent treatment may be as easy -- if not easier -- than a conversation. The silent treatment is not always motivated by an intent to harm another person or punish their behavior, said study author Kristin Sommer, Ph.D, an associate professor of psychology at Baruch College, City University of New York. "It may be used as a way to offset feelings of fatigue or depletion associated with the expectation of an unpleasant interaction," she explained. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) Sit down to eat dinner...Guy doesn't like the food...Doesn't say much after the meal and didn't eat much...He's not saying much, and thinking about what hamburger joint might be on the way home and he's starving..She says.."what's wrong? is everything ok? You didn't eat much..".,...He says"wasn't that hungry, kind of tired....no problems here"...and the night continues, but she senses something is "just not right"... fast forward the following day.. Its either blown over and forgotten...Or if she brings it up again, he could say something like " yeah, I was kinda tired, but im also not so much of a big fan of onions either, so I cut it short"...then the impact is completely different...She can even laugh it off at that point... Ok but why all the need for lying and making a drama out of just not liking some food? Why make her feel something is wrong, when the truth was what was needed. "I didn't really enjoy that meal, can we pop into the ham burger joint on the way home as I am starving..." Why shut down and cause a potential fight? Why make her upset and leave her feeling on edge? Yes she may laugh it off but that may be just due to relief after having spent the night worrying... Basic lack of communication and causing unnecessary trouble. Edited July 17, 2017 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 In our attempts to be "correct" or "precise", it often helps to consider another point of view could have some validity. Being dogmatic tends to lead to accepting propaganda as truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 There is a reason I'm not posting on this thread... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 How To Deal With Jerks: Give Them The Silent Treatment Excerpt:Giving someone the silent treatment may not always be such a bad thing. It may actually be a good way to deal with someone who is acting like a jerk, a new study finds. The research reveals there are benefits to cutting off conversation with a person who is being obnoxious: It's not as draining on your mental resources, you avoid conflict with someone offensive, and it's much simpler than getting into a heated discussion. That's because the silent treatment can speak volumes, even when someone is not saying a word or limiting their conversation to short or one-syllable responses. From a psychological standpoint, this brush-off technique is largely viewed in a negative light. It's considered a manipulative way to communicate dissatisfaction and a passive form of rejection. But this new research has identified at least some situations when silence might be golden: When people are strongly motivated to avoid social interaction with an undesirable person, giving the silent treatment may be as easy -- if not easier -- than a conversation. The silent treatment is not always motivated by an intent to harm another person or punish their behavior, said study author Kristin Sommer, Ph.D, an associate professor of psychology at Baruch College, City University of New York. "It may be used as a way to offset feelings of fatigue or depletion associated with the expectation of an unpleasant interaction," she explained. Yes, but the "silent treatment" usually always has some sort of an advantage to the person doling it out, otherwise why do it? The abuser may feel that hitting a screaming child may also be a way of offsetting his/her feelings of fatigue or depletion of an unpleasant interaction, but is it right to do so? Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) Yes, but the "silent treatment" usually always has some sort of an advantage to the person doling it out, otherwise why do it? The abuser may feel that hitting a screaming child may also be a way of offsetting his/her feelings of fatigue or depletion of an unpleasant interaction, but is it right to do so? If you had read the article rather than being so insistent upon being "right", you would realize the intent of silence is not always to be abusive. It's often done to avoid being abused. Assuming the silent one is ALWAYS abusive is inaccurate. That's been my point all along. In cases where it IS intended to be abusive, it's wrong. Totally wrong and unacceptable. I've said that. Edited July 17, 2017 by MidKnightDreams Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 In other words, there are physically, mentally, and verbally abusive people throwing out accusations of "the silent treatment" against their victims when they clam up. The very act of throwing out that accusation can be manipulative and abusive. We can't assume the person wanting to continue to talk or bemoaning the silent treatment is always right. Depending on the situation, that may not be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I don't see a dysfunctional relationship as being a justification for silent treatment. Better to get out than be equally dysfunctional. Having arguments once in a while where one side won't shut up and the other goes quiet and sulks doesn't make the entire relationship terminally dysfunctional, it's all a matter of degree. I've heard rumors of people refusing to talk to their spouses for years, I'm not ure how that's even possible but that's clearly a WHOLE different ballgame! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 If you had read the article rather than being so insistent upon being "right", you would realize the intent of silence is not always to be abusive. It's often done to avoid being abused. Assuming the silent one is ALWAYS abusive is inaccurate. That's been my point all along. In cases where it IS intended to be abusive, it's wrong. Totally wrong and unacceptable. I've said that. The "silent treatment", as the term is used in common parlance, is well described as being an abusive tactic, so I am not sure what part of that you do not understand. If you agree it is abusive, whether meant to be or not, then where is your argument? YOU are trying to defend you actions in shutting down and not speaking sometimes and being silent, but that is probably NOT the "silent treatment" as commonly described. That is a bit of showing displeasure, a bit of sulking, a bit of "time out", but that is NOT "the silent treatment", unless you are frequently doing it merely to abuse your partner or to gain control or advantage. as Basil said "But what if the communication being refused is part of everyday life? "Hey, would you like pizza for dinner?" "I'm working late tomorrow, can you pick the kids up?" "Did you hear Johnny won an award at school today?" "Is your cold getting better?" I cannot see how absolute refusal to speak a word about *anything* is not toxic. Likewise, the guy I mentioned earlier would just stop talking without even an obvious trigger. I went through it with him and removed him from my life as far as possible. He later married a friend and started the behaviour again. He wouldn't even speak to their kids when he was doing silent treatment. Surely refusing to speak a word to anyone in the household - including little children - would be broadly viewed as toxic. Just to be clear this ^^ is the type of behaviour which I'm referring to when I talk about silent treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 If you had read the article rather than being so insistent upon being "right", you would realize the intent of silence is not always to be abusive. It's often done to avoid being abused. Assuming the silent one is ALWAYS abusive is inaccurate. From the article These findings do not mean that you can now feel justified every time you give a cold shoulder to a spouse, family member, or best friend. The study only looked into its use as a short-term snub in a non-close relationship. There is a greater potential for risks when using the silent treatment in close relationships. "The use of the silent treatment may have save energy-saving benefits," Sommer explained, "but these benefits may come at a long-term cost to a relationship." Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I love you too, elaine. Especially your persistence. Still, there are no absolutes. All instances of the silent treatment are not bad. All demands to talk it out are not good. Link to post Share on other sites
aurelius99 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I love you too, elaine. Especially your persistence. Still, there are no absolutes. All instances of the silent treatment are not bad. All demands to talk it out are not good. “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: ...A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;” **Ecclesiastes *3:1, 7 *NKJV http://bible.com/114/ecc.3.1,7.nkjv 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Ok but why all the need for lying and making a drama out of just not liking some food? Why make her feel something is wrong, when the truth was what was needed. "I didn't really enjoy that meal, can we pop into the ham burger joint on the way home as I am starving..." Why shut down and cause a potential fight? Why make her upset and leave her feeling on edge? Yes she may laugh it off but that may be just due to relief after having spent the night worrying... Basic lack of communication and causing unnecessary trouble. You conveniently left out the part where after the guy says... "I didn't really enjoy that meal, can we pop into the ham burger joint on the way home as I am starving..." She then throws the frying pan in the sink....Grabs the plates and dumps them in the trash, then proceeds to say..."you know how effin hard I worked on that dinner?!!...why do I even bother!??!!"" And storms out of the room... Ok..Maybe you wouldn't handle it that way, but many others would...It's the exact same reason that when guys want out, they ghost, and when you ask them if the dress makes you(not you, literally) look fat, they either lie or say nothing,,, It is what it is, I guess...>I do recognize that there are many relationships where people can and do say whatever is on their minds and don't hold anything back...It's pretty rare, though... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 You conveniently left out the part where after the guy says... "I didn't really enjoy that meal, can we pop into the ham burger joint on the way home as I am starving..." She then throws the frying pan in the sink....Grabs the plates and dumps them in the trash, then proceeds to say..."you know how effin hard I worked on that dinner?!!...why do I even bother!??!!"" And storms out of the room... Yes but that is often the sign of more trouble that isn't being addressed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 It's an immature, dysfunctional, abusive tactic. I wouldn't do it to anyone, and I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone. I don't think there's any wiggle room. Link to post Share on other sites
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