Husband is hateful to me when other women show him attention

[Blue00]

Hi there, first time posting.

I'll try to make this brief. First, I take very good care of my husband in ALL aspects of our marriage. Second, after we were married, I discovered that my husband has a history of cheating. Our marriage was no exception.

We worked things out and recommitted to making a life together. Fast forward 9 months and he's back to having inappropriate conversations with women he knows from Facebook. This is how it started the last time. I only found this out because when he cheated before, he agreed to give me his FB password so I could check up on him. When he was unfaithful before, what caused me to be suspicious is that he would be hateful to me. I knew something was going on.

Well, he recently started the behavior again. I checked his FB and sure enough, he's recently been flirting with a woman on FB. Past flirting really.

I know that he has some sort of psychological issue. Maybe a combination of low self esteem and histrionic personality disorder (this is a guess).

My question is, why be hateful to me when other women are giving him attention? He gets plenty of attention from me. I could understand if I neglected his needs in some way, but I don't. He told me the last time that he struggles with low self esteem and it makes him inclined to have these attention-filled conversations (and even cheating once) with these women.

Even if he's telling the truth, it doesn't explain why he is so hateful to me when he's doing it. Any ideas? And please, I'm not asking as to whether or not I should stay or leave. For now, I'm just struggling to understand.

Thank you.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Hi there, first time posting.

I'll try to make this brief. First, I take very good care of my husband in ALL aspects of our marriage. Second, after we were married, I discovered that my husband has a history of cheating. Our marriage was no exception.

We worked things out and recommitted to making a life together. Fast forward 9 months and he's back to having inappropriate conversations with women he knows from Facebook. This is how it started the last time. I only found this out because when he cheated before, he agreed to give me his FB password so I could check up on him. When he was unfaithful before, what caused me to be suspicious is that he would be hateful to me. I knew something was going on.

Well, he recently started the behavior again. I checked his FB and sure enough, he's recently been flirting with a woman on FB. Past flirting really.

I know that he has some sort of psychological issue. Maybe a combination of low self esteem and histrionic personality disorder (this is a guess).

My question is, why be hateful to me when other women are giving him attention? He gets plenty of attention from me. I could understand if I neglected his needs in some way, but I don't. He told me the last time that he struggles with low self esteem and it makes him inclined to have these attention-filled conversations (and even cheating once) with these women.

Even if he's telling the truth, it doesn't explain why he is so hateful to me when he's doing it. Any ideas? And please, I'm not asking as to whether or not I should stay or leave. For now, I'm just struggling to understand.

Thank you.

 

Perhaps he resents you because he thinks he can do better and that he settled for you. I don't know. Some people here have mentioned that.

[mikeylo]

It's easier to behave negatively towards you so that you don't question him about his rendezvous.

[Redhead14]

Hi there, first time posting.

I'll try to make this brief. First, I take very good care of my husband in ALL aspects of our marriage. Second, after we were married, I discovered that my husband has a history of cheating. Our marriage was no exception.

We worked things out and recommitted to making a life together. Fast forward 9 months and he's back to having inappropriate conversations with women he knows from Facebook. This is how it started the last time. I only found this out because when he cheated before, he agreed to give me his FB password so I could check up on him. When he was unfaithful before, what caused me to be suspicious is that he would be hateful to me. I knew something was going on.

Well, he recently started the behavior again. I checked his FB and sure enough, he's recently been flirting with a woman on FB. Past flirting really.

I know that he has some sort of psychological issue. Maybe a combination of low self esteem and histrionic personality disorder (this is a guess).

My question is, why be hateful to me when other women are giving him attention? He gets plenty of attention from me. I could understand if I neglected his needs in some way, but I don't. He told me the last time that he struggles with low self esteem and it makes him inclined to have these attention-filled conversations (and even cheating once) with these women.

Even if he's telling the truth, it doesn't explain why he is so hateful to me when he's doing it. Any ideas? And please, I'm not asking as to whether or not I should stay or leave. For now, I'm just struggling to understand.

Thank you.

 

Guilt is a powerful thing. Anger and hatefulness is the default in order to dissociate from that feeling. Anger and hatefulness is easier to express and hide behind.

 

I take very good care of my husband in ALL aspects of our marriage. -- If you are doing all the work in a relationship, it's one-sided and unfulfilling for you because, well, what are YOU getting in return?, and it makes it so easy for him because there is no real involvement or interactive relationship. It's make is so much easier for him to do what he does because there isn't enough of a connection or ownership to the relationship. He's detached emotionally.

 

And, the more he does all this and gets what he thinks he needs on an egoistic level, the more he needs and the easier it gets to do it.

Edited July 15, 2017 by Redhead14

[SammySammy]

A person with low self esteem could be faithful to you. Respect you. Or whatever other kind of "disorder" you're trying to assign to him.

 

That's no excuse.

[Redhead14]

He may or may not have a personality disorder. But, if that were the case, it's likely that that would be "showing" up in other aspects of his life. Although, technically, a disorder is something that negatively and pervasively affects at least one aspect of their lives but usually it's more.

 

Since the OP is only talking about his "cheating" behavior here, trying to identify a "disorder" is her mind's way of trying to justify, give him an excuse for his behavior, when in fact, it's just likely that this guy is of poor character which, unfortunately, started at the parenting level, at least for the most part. While that kinda does excuse him, as in its not all his fault, there comes a point when a person, as an adult, becomes completely and totally responsible for their behavior.

 

This guy, knows exactly what he's doing, he knows it wrong, he chooses to do it because he doesn't give a crap about his marriage partner and his moral compass isn't functioning. Unless he's a psychopath or sociopath, he's just not a good guy.

 

I do find it interesting that he is doing his flirting and attention-seeking in a public forum -- one where he knows you are likely to/could find out what he's doing . . . usually when people do that kind of thing, they actually are wanting the partner to know. It's really a passive-aggressive thing and it's often about sabotaging. They want out, they can't/won't say it, so they leave clues for the other person, even behavioral clues, so that the other person does what needs to be done.

 

I also want to add, that this could be part of why he treats you the way he does . . . he's frustrated because you just aren't "getting it". Or, by doing all that you do for him and giving him that unconditional love in spite of his all his lies and crap, you may be coming across as more of a mother to him than an intimate partner. Just food for thought . . .

 

There is a book I think you should read called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It talks about the dynamics of dysfunctional relationships. I think it will be enlightening for you. It's a good, eye-opening, birdseye view of what happens to each partner in those kinds of relationship and how they response/react/deal with it and it gives other ways to do all that.

Edited July 15, 2017 by Redhead14

[elaine567]

It is a bit like when a man or a woman wants to attract the attention of someone they are interested in, and someone they are not interested in, tries to get in the way.

They get very annoyed at the unwanted attention and want to make it very clear that they are NOT interested. The unwanted person gets the message, steps down, leaving the way clear.

 

The wife doesn't want to step down leaving the way clear, so she is always in the way of him getting what he wants.

He therefore feels justified putting her down and being hateful to her.

The kid isn't allowed by his mother to eat all the chocolates, so he kicks her in the shin, or tells her she is an old witch... She is standing in his way of what he really wants.

 

Contempt is also prevalent in failing relationships, so no matter how good the OP is to her husband, he still "hates" her...

[thefooloftheyear]

He's angry because you are in the way...He's stuck looking and can't touch and you are the reason...I am sure its frustrating as hell for him...

 

It's as simple as that...

 

There's a lot more to this...but I am yielding to your wishes about not judging or making recommendations...

 

TFY

[preraph]

Because he deeply resents women and likes to punish them, so he relishes the thought that he has other options. In short, he's a jerk.