How do I get over the fact that he cheated? Please tell me if I'm just being crazy.

[GrantMeSerenity]

Hi,

This is my first post here, so thanks for reading. I'm having some problems with my boyfriend, and I want to find a solution really badly so we can be together happily.

 

We started going out, and after about 2 months, my friend told me he had cheated on me. (Only kissing, but to me, cheating is cheating and lying is lying) I confronted him, and he admitted it. But said it was a one-time thing, and he really honestly seemed remorseful. Plus, it was early on in the relationship...not that it makes it better, but it doesn't hurt quite as much. So from there, we built up the trust again...and honestly, I messed up on things too. I called my ex boyfriend more than once, because of the trust issues and worrying with my current boyfriend. That ruined his trust for me, but we moved past that too. The problem was, we're so different, and the way we react to things are so drastically different, we always fought a lot. When things were good, they were amazing. But when we fought, it was terrible. And we were fighting a lot.

 

Well to make a long story short, after too many fights, he broke up with me in november. He said he needed a break, but didn't know if it was forever, or just a little while. That was pure hell for me, that whole time. I was suicidal, almost admitted myself into the hospital. But thank God, in January, we got back together. And that's when he admitted a lot of things to me. He told me he hadn't only cheated once, but with 8 different people. Any time I'd go away, or we'd get in a fight, or just when he was out. I was devastated. I felt like our entire relationship (which at that point, was a year and a half) was a big lie. I stayed with him, because I am so in love with him. And he honestly was/is making an effort to change. But I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with what happened. He told me about this in January, and here it is, august, and I'm still struggling with it so much. It causes so many problems on a daily basis. He tells me I throw it in his face because I bring it up so much; but I'm honestly just so hurt by it, and it worries me constantly. When he goes out with his friends, I wonder...is he where he says he is? He has been so unbelievably nice with everything, very patient and willing to do anything to earn my trust back. But I think he's getting tired of it all, and his patience is wearing thin. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so that doesn't help much...when I worry about something, it gets stuck in my mind for weeks or even months at a time, and I just don't let up. Asking the same things over and over, obessing over the littlest things.

 

The biggest problem right now is me trusting him with girls around. Whenever he goes to his one friends house, there's usually girls there. And I am just not comfortable with it, at all. I feel sick the whole time he's gone, and I just hate it. He is getting so mad at me, and the comminucation is breaking down because he said he's sick of me talking, that all I ever want to do is talk...which is true, and I understand how that is getting frustrating for him. I just have so many worries in me, and I don't know what to do anymore. At first he was really really understanding with everything...he understood why I was worried about him and girls, he understood why I needed to talk. But after 8 months, he's getting tired of my "what ifs" and my worries about him and girls. I guess he sees 8 months as so much time, but to me, I feel like I haven't even begun to get over it all. I still struggle with it every day. But I love him so much, I don't want to just give up. We've been together for over 2 years now.

 

He said I'm using cheating as an excuse to control his life. I admit, I am a controling person sometimes, but I never use the cheating as an excuse, and I am trying so hard to get better with it. I honestly am so worried because of what happened. I had never tried so hard to be a good girlfriend as I did with him, and then I find out it was filled with lies. It's hard to trust what he says. I'm always questioning it. And he seems so sick of me...and I can't say I blame him.

 

On one hand, I feel like he damaged the trust so badly...that I have a right to be angry, and worried and ask him not to hang out around girls. I struggle with anger towards him so much. But on the other, I feel like...I made the choice to stay with him, I have to move past it some time if this is going to work...and I can't just control what he does. and I do want it to work, very badly. I just am consumed with worries, and I still can't believe he did all of that.

 

Do you think I'm crazy for still being hurt over it all? Please, be honest. I know it's been 8 months...but our entire year and a half relationship, that I thought was amazing, was filled with so many lies. And what's worse is I never knew. He'd look me in the eyes, and lie to me. And something really did happen..that's personal..that made me believe he has changed his ways. But I still can't get a grip. I'm in therapy, but I just started, so I don't know. I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for...some advice? Someone to be on my side? Someone to slap me and tell me to get over it? I don't know if any of those will even help. I just don't want to continue fighting with him, I know he is trying to gain the trust back, but I just can't seem to feel safe or secure because of the hundreds of lies he told me on a daily basis. I know the lies are over, it's not something I can prove to anyone else, but I do know the lies are over. He is trying really hard. I guess I just don't trust my own judgement...because I didn't know he was lying before. And he's getting sick of it all, which scares me. His patience for everything is wearing thin...and I feel really scared, because I need that understanding patience.

 

Well, thanks for reading my rambling, if anyone actually made it all the way through.

[GrantMeSerenity]

Anyone? I know it's long, but I really need advice.

[Tony]

Just a note to say that shorter, more concise, posts get faster and a greater number of responses.

[wakeup]

leave him...plain and simple...he's not a REAL man he's till a boy...once a cheater always a cheater.

[Cecelius]

People can cheat once or twice in life and still be trustworthy, but:

 

1) He cheated on you MANY times

2) Lied about it

3) Broke up with you

4) Now b1tches at you about how you need to drop the cheating thing.

 

Maybe the reason you can't get over it is your gut telling you something?

[omgWHYME]

OMG GURL I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING!!!! I SWEAR THE SAME EXACT THING I NEED TO TALK WITH U ONE ON ONE!!! CONTACT ME