A bit long, im mad at my friend getting engaged and not telling me, am i wrong?

[btcman]

This is a bit long......

 

Anyways so my best girlfriend ive known my whole life, our parents are best friends and we grew up together. We always did everything together, traveled together, went to school together, literally everything. She always met my girlfriends and i always met her boyfriends and it was never anything we hid from each other. Actually we went on some couples trips with the people we were seeing in the past.

 

So about 2 years ago, a friend of mine and her hit it off after a big group outing, not just a friend of mine my best friend. He never once says anything to me about it, a year later they are officially dating and announce it on facebook and guess who tells me? My mother who is friends with her and him on facebook. He apparently had messaged her and they began talking and dating and didn't want to tell anyone......mind you this girl and i knew everything about each others dating lives my whole life and he knew tons of my girlfriends before my wife.......never once did either mention anything to me.

 

Anyways, I was happy for them, and I actually defended him vigorously bc tons of people were against their relationship bc she's from a rich family and he's not. I told everyone to relax and he's a great guy, even her parents, I said its not a big deal bc they're both great people and she has an incredible income and could easily support him even though he makes way less. We're talking like $400k to $50k. Either way it never bothered her. We're mid 30s so finding happiness is more important than perfection you dream of financially, at least to me.

 

Anyways one night me and him are hanging out and he asks me multiple times jokingly if i had slept with her in our past and if i had something i wanted to tell him. I really hadn't, I get why he potentially thought I did bc our families and us did everything together, but in reality, if i wanted her, we would've been together. It wasn't anything important and more importantly, she claims to be a virgin so he either doesn't believe her or thinks she's lying.....either way, why grill your best friend? I never even mentioned this girl in any way to him while we were friends before they were dating. Anyways that irked me alot.

 

Fast forward a year later and they got engaged and guess who I found out from, her ex boyfriend who is a good friend of mine as well. He found out on facebook and texted me. Amazing, my best guy friend doesn't once ask me before he starts dating my best girl friend, he then interrogates me about our relationship, and then he gets engaged without ever asking me what I thought about things. I would've been happy for them, my goodness, Im happily married, I genuinely was glad to have a good friend now be part of the family but the way he's gone about it all has rubbed me the wrong way......the question is am i wrong for being mad?

 

Now he's about to ask me to be a groomsman or best man, since they got engaged last week, and honestly im just not feeling up to it. For me, I told all my groosmen who i was dating and when I was gonna propose, that is what you do with close friends right? I can't tell if he's just jealous of our relationship, her mom loves me more than she'll ever love him, and probably wishes the two of us got married, but either way, I dont get why he literally got so weird with me when it came to this.

 

TLDR my best guy friend married my best female friend who ive known my whole life. They both kept their first year dating a secret from everyone, i found out via my mom. Best guy friend then accused me of sleeping with his girlfriend when we were younger. Then proposed to her without telling me and now wants me to be a groomsman/possibly best man........im married for nearly a decade and not mad bc i have feelings for her, but mad bc i feel disrespected....is this warranted? Thanks

[Poutrew]

....and people keep telling me I ought to have more than 1 friend. Sigh... OK, let me spell it out for you. You could have gone through the war with this guy and saved his ass from the Nazis, and called each other blood brothers. It all goes out the window when a girl is involved. Especially when, like in your case, everyone knows everyone else. He feels threatened by you. He thinks you banged his bride to be and she isn't telling because he knows you, and she claims to be a virgin. Don't be surprised if you don't get asked to be a groomsman. Hell, I'd be relieved. I wouldn't even go to the wedding. Just send them a 50 dollar gift card to the Golden Corral Buffet and a joke card saying the first dinner after the honeymoon is on you. Then, prepare to never hear from these people again.

[Ophelia27]

I personally agree with you. I'd feel disrespected. You don't seem to have done anything to warrant this secrecy. And even if he is insecure about your friendship with this girl... Where is she in all this? The least she could have mentioned something to you since you're so close.

 

And you are married yourself. I'm pretty sure you included both into that decision and told them about it.

 

Unless his jealousy is causing tension between them too (you're too close, distance yourself, iEither him or me, etc-) which might be why she didn't reach out to you.

[btcman]

Haha I hope you're right, but we're all invited to a luncheon next sunday where I feel like he's going to ask me to be a groomsman at least and possibly best man. Honestly it was pretty weird when I found out, I gave him a call and said congrats and we chatted, this is after all my closest guy friend. He hasn't called or texted me since. Its just amazing our relationship has gone down the drain and for no reason at all. These were literally my 2 best friends and Im genuinely happy they got together but now I just feel like he's being a real jerkoff/jealous/whatever you wanna call it and I don't even wanna hang out with them anymore.

 

It just sucks bc she was my best friend too and Id grab lunch and dinner with her all the time and now i dont even dare invite her out bc i feel like he doesn't like that or i have to call him and invite them both out.

 

just sucks all around, feel like i lost my best friend and then lost my sister too

[btcman]

ophelia honestly what bugs me most is for 1 year i would hang out with both of them alone and nobody ever mentioned anything. I mean wtf, she introduced me to all her boyfriends in the past, guys i didn't know. Finally, a guy I know and it happens to be my best friend and nobody mentions anything to me? What is the reasoning behind that?

 

1) He met her through me

2) He messaged her in secret and began dating without telling me or anyone

3) He accuses me of hooking up with her for no reason

4) He proposes without even telling me, I dont blame her for that

 

I honestly don't even consider him a friend at this point bc for whatever reason he's decided to push me away over this whole situation. It's just ridiculous, her mom even calls me once a week, she's like an aunt to me, and i dont even think she really likes him at all, no way she even calls him tbh.

[zanwalk]

Haha I hope you're right, but we're all invited to a luncheon next sunday where I feel like he's going to ask me to be a groomsman at least and possibly best man. Honestly it was pretty weird when I found out, I gave him a call and said congrats and we chatted, this is after all my closest guy friend. He hasn't called or texted me since. Its just amazing our relationship has gone down the drain and for no reason at all. These were literally my 2 best friends and Im genuinely happy they got together but now I just feel like he's being a real jerkoff/jealous/whatever you wanna call it and I don't even wanna hang out with them anymore.

 

It just sucks bc she was my best friend too and Id grab lunch and dinner with her all the time and now i dont even dare invite her out bc i feel like he doesn't like that or i have to call him and invite them both out.

 

just sucks all around, feel like i lost my best friend and then lost my sister too

 

Relationships change when partners are involved and tbf he knows that you and this girl have a lot of history together, all he is trying to do is to find out what she is saying is true. If you have nothing to hide then you don't have a problem, if he doesn't believe her then HE has a problem, not you!

 

I would agree to whatever he asks of you, you have nothing to lose after all. You can't expect the friendship to be the same after the marriage, hopefully you will all be friends (including your wife, who seems to be an outsider in all this?) in the future and not harbour suspicions about others.

[PeopleWatching]

I think that there are two issues here. The first is keeping their relationship private, and your reaction to the news. It would seem to me that you need to realize that their relationship is theirs to handle any way that they want, for any reason or for no reason. They chose to keep it private and between just the two of them. You are not part of their private relationship together, even though you are a friend. It may have simply been that they didn't want other people who they are close to nosing into their romantic private lives. Whatever their reasons, ask yourself why either of them should need to ask you for permission to date much less marry the other?

 

As to hearing it through the grapevine, there are any number of reasons that might happen. Whoever heard the news first might have gossiped it before they had a chance to share the news with you.

 

The second issue is this business of giving you the 3rd degree about your relationship with her. This is a troubling sign because he obviously doesn't believe her, and yet trust is the cornerstone of marriage. One appropriate reaction would be to say, "If you don't believe the most important woman in the world to you then you'll never believe me."

 

You could even go one step further and give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he has a hard time believing that in our hyper-sexualized society that anyone ever really waits for marriage. You can tell him that in all the time that you've known her she's never lied to you or given you any reason to doubt that she's a wonderful and honest person. You could even go so far as to tell him that it's offensive that he doesn't believe her (not you). There is nothing you can say about yourself that will make any difference. Don't dignify his accusation by defending yourself. Whether he believes you or not is not your problem. The person that he needs to believe is his fiance, and the fact that he doesn't is troubling.

 

If you were the great friend that you claim to be, you would say "I'm am so happy for you!" and celebrate the fact that two people that you care about have found each other. Instead, you are acting as if their relationship is somehow about you. It's not. If you refuse to attend their wedding, as the one person in the world who should be celebrating the beginning of your two friend's lives together, then you will probably sadden both of them.

 

Weddings are stressful enough. With all due respect, don't be a drama queen.

Edited July 15, 2017 by PeopleWatching

[btcman]

I guess I feel most offended by the fact that the three of us have always met the people each other we're dating, it was never an issue with others but it was such a huge issue now? It just made no sense. Even when we hung out together and shed mention funny things from our past with our families he'd just give me these looks. I don't want to think he's a jealous guy bc he's so nice but I think he's mucho jealous. I never once said I'd skip the wedding I just don't feel like I'm a close friend of his to be s groomsman anymore. I'd still go I don't care if he hates me she's basically my sister and me and her still talk all the time

Edited July 15, 2017 by btcman

[PeopleWatching]

It just sucks bc she was my best friend too and Id grab lunch and dinner with her all the time and now i dont even dare invite her out bc i feel like he doesn't like that or i have to call him and invite them both out.

 

This is just my opinion as an old fart who's seen too many marriages fall apart because people didn't respect boundaries. It's worth the paper it's written on, but I hope it doesn't offend you if I don't pull any punches.

 

You need to realize that your relationship with them has fundamentally changed. They are no longer two individual friends. They are a couple, and in my opinion you should treat them as a couple that you are friends with. The close, intimate, personal relationship that you once had with them has changed, as it should.

 

The fact that each used to confide in you, and that you had a close personal relationship is the very reason that you can no longer be this close with them as individuals. Each of them needs to feel completely comfortable that they can be vulnerable to and with each other, without any worry or fear that they may share intimate details with you. Each of them knows how close the other has been to you, and needs you to demonstrate that you understand that your role in their lives has changed. They need the people around them to respect and support their union.

 

For what it's worth, I think that you should always invite them out as a couple to show and demonstrate that you acknowledge and respect their union first and foremost, and that you understand that whatever your friendships once were, they are now a couple and that you see and understand this. Let each of them tell you, "(S)he's busy, but I'm free" or not as they feel is appropriate.

 

Don't make their marriage about you. Back off, give them space to find their sea legs as a couple, and realize that you no longer will have the relationship with either of them that you once did - and you shouldn't.

[btcman]

I definitely appreciate your insight, 13 posts in 12 years and I got 2 of them. Thank you so much! I guess part of me just worries for her bc I'm beginning to see a jealous side of this guy that I've never seen in our 15 years of friendship. This guy is laying out rules, she told me he told her their first kid will be named after his mother or father depending if it's a boy or girl, he's buying a house close to his family, not hers. Just lots of small details I'm seeing from what she tells me where I wanna just tell her to run away.

Edited July 15, 2017 by btcman

[PeopleWatching]

I never once said I'd skip the wedding I just don't feel like I'm a close friend of his to be s groomsman anymore. I'd still go I don't care if he hates me she's basically my sister and me and her still talk all the time

 

Maybe they didn't handle this the best way. Maybe he's the jealous type. Maybe he's having a hard time figuring out how you fit into his life now. Maybe she is.

 

You are acting exactly the way that he is acting. There is another man in her life who's relationship threatens yours, even if you don't think it does. You are trying to get your head around how that relationship changes your relationship with her. Most of us can wrap our heads around our lover's being close to their siblings. They are not a threat. It's much harder to take a deep breath and realize that the person we're head over heels in love with has a close relationship with someone who's not. Give him room and time. If not for his sake, then for hers.

 

Either way, I suggest that you support them as they start their new lives together. If he asks, accept graciously. If he doesn't, then realize that he's just a guy trying to wrap his head around the fact that his wife had a deeply personal relationship with another man who is still in hers and his lives.

 

It doesn't matter whether your friendship with her came first, or how close you were. Don't make this about you. Celebrate their day with them in any way that they want to have you. Your friendship will never be the same. They will live their own lives, and one day you may wake up and realize that you haven't spoken in ages. On that day you are going to want to think of them fondly, and not regret how you handled this transition in all of your lives.

[PeopleWatching]

Just lots of small details I'm seeing from what she tells me where I wanna just tell her to run away.

 

This is why you can't have a close friendship with her. It may be why she kept her relationship with him from you. She is responsible for her own life and her own choices. She may love the fact that he's already picked out baby names. She may not care where their house is. You don't know, because you are not a part of their lives together.

 

This decision is hers to make. No matter what your motives are, the day that you say anything negative about the man that she has chosen as her mate is the day that your friendship ends.

[btcman]

To be honest I'd be fine with our relationship ending bc frankly it's over as far as I'm concerned. They were both a huge, integral part in my wedding and leading up to it. I discussed proposing and my dating life with them both but I wasnt a part of theirs, so as far as I'm concerned, I'm not as close as I thought I was. Maybe I'm being harsh but this was the best man at my wedding and he kept his entire relationship a secret from me for a year, then accused me of sleeping with gf for no reason at all, the proposed to her without even talking to me, even though I was respectful enough to include him in all my decisions.

[PeopleWatching]

I don't know why the groom accused you of having a sexual affair with his bride. That kind of thing can undermine the whole marriage. He will always resent her for "lying" to him and she will always resent him for not believing her. In her shoes I would see that as a big red flag for their relationship, but it's her marriage and not mine.

 

It's up to you whether or not you want to celebrate with them. There won't be any half measures though. If you decline a potential offer to be in the wedding party, you've pretty much made your position about their union clear. At the very least it will be awkward to go as a guest.

 

That issue aside, you made your choices and handled your courtship and engagement the way that you wanted to. You don't know why they made the choices that they did, and you're hurt because they weren't the choices that you made in the same situation. They are about to move on with their lives together. More than likely you either won't be a part of it, or only will be for a short while until they move away or become new parents.

 

It's your call. Either way I wish you the best, and wish you peace with your decision. I don't think that you're wrong either way, but in your shoes my personal choice would be to acknowledge that the transition was rocky one and be supportive anyway because you consider her to be a sister.

Edited July 15, 2017 by PeopleWatching

[btcman]

I'll tell you why he accused me bc being my best friend he knew about all the girls I dated and slept with. He would go out to bars with me in our college days, etc. of course when your friend sleeps with a bunch of girls and he has this best friend who is a girl that he travels with when their families travel and who your soon to be wife loves like a brother....that's where I'm getting at that he's being a jealous prick and trying to push me away. For the record he never thought she cheated on him with me, he just thought if we're so close and have been so long, how have we not slept together at some point

Edited July 15, 2017 by btcman

[PeopleWatching]

Anyways one night me and him are hanging out and he asks me multiple times jokingly if i had slept with her in our past and if i had something i wanted to tell him ... She claims to be a virgin so he either doesn't believe her or thinks she's lying.....either way, why grill your best friend

 

My apologies. I interpreted "grilling" to mean that he believes that you slept with her. More specifically, that he doesn't believe that you didn't. My mistake.

[btcman]

Don't get me wrong that jokingly, it was 3x and it upset me. Again the only reason he thinks that is bc he knows me and knows a ton of girls I've slept with so why wouldn't I have slept with this one? The answer is bc she's my sister and we've been friends our whole life, but he would never get that

[PeopleWatching]

You've said that he just knows that your a horndog and doesn't really beleive you slept with her, and if I understand correctly you've also said that he's jealous. I don't know how to reconcile those, but the important thing is that if even after being left out of their courtship you consider her to be your sister then swallow your pride and support her. In your shoes, not supporting someone that I care so much about would bother me for a very long time.

[btcman]

Just wanted to say thanks for all the inputs

[whichwayisup]

Amazing, my best guy friend doesn't once ask me before he starts dating my best girl friend

 

He didn't need your permission and your best friend that's a girl didn't need your permission either. You're married already and even though you have feelings for her...It is possible that they were aware of this and that's why they hid it from you? Either way, not an excuse, they should have told you a long time ago that they were dating and they should've been the ones to tell you about getting married.

 

Have a calm talk with them both, there's a lot of history between you and them and it would be a shame to let this ruin the friendship(s). Find out why they didn't tell you,and let them know it hurt your feelings.

[preraph]

The times close friends haven't told me until after the fact were because they knew they were marrying someone who was going to be trouble and that I'd tell them not to and remind them of the red flags. And so far I've been 100% right.