Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

[hobo]

Hi all

 

Hope you can help me out with some advice. I'm new and I'm stuck.

 

My ex and I split up nearly 2 years ago. I have since met someone else and we have been living happily together for about 4 months. Between us we have 4 kids (2 each).

 

My ex & I now get on as well as I think you can ever expect. We still fall out occaisionally but always still present a united front in front of the kids.

 

My problem is that my ex has recently been diagnosed with a problem with her brain. Its either a tumour or a cyst. Either way, she needs further scans to find out for certain and of course treatment. If anyone here is from the UK, you'll know that the Health Service is really bad. The waiting list to even see a consultant is 4 months! However, she is still covered under my work's private medical insurance since I forgot to remove her when we first split. If I allow her to use this then she can see the SAME consultant within 24 hours and treatment starts straightaway rather than another long wait.

 

My dilemma is this. Should I let her use the insurance? To do this, we would need to pretend that we live together again for mail purposes only. My current GF is extremely touchy about my relationship with my ex. Her ex is not on the scene and she does not like the fact that my ex is still around. She is also likely to see this as favouring my ex over her, even though I cannot change the policy until March next year.

 

If I do not then of course my ex has to wait, all the time whatever is wrong is getting worse and now she cannot work, her financial situation also gets worse. I rely on her child support payments each month so I suppose I have a vested interest.

 

Her family are not very well off so they can't pay either.

 

Finally perhaps my strongest reason for wanting to help is that I cannot face having to tell my kids that their mum is dead/dying, especially if there was something I could have done to help but did not.

 

I don't love my ex but still somehow I find our lives intertwined.

 

Anyone still reading? What would you do in my shoes? Upset my GF and help my ex or keep the peace with my GF and let whatever happens happen?

[magda]

I think you should explain all this to your girlfriend so that she will understand. Then go ahead and do it, but get your ex on her own insurance asap.

[hobo]

Hi Magda.

 

I can almost guarantee that she will not understand at all. Or even if she does, she will still be mad at me. Her animosity towards my ex is not logical at all. Things have not changed at all since the day we met. Its not like my ex has suddenly shown up or has made massive demands. She seems to hate her for purely breathing at times.

 

Health insurance in the UK works differently than the US (I've lived in both countries). Here very few people have it on the basis that the government provides it for free. Some companies like mine do offer it which is great but her's does not. If you get it privately, it doesn't cover existing problems.

 

I am erring on the side of helping and just taking the flak. Would my children ever forgive me if I did not help their mother? Would I ever forgive myself?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Do it for your children so they can have their mother around longer, and do it for your ex for humanitarian reasons. If your gf doesn't understand the value of a human life, that is her problem, not yours. If your gf got sick, and her children's father wanted to help her out, would you have a problem with that? I doubt it very much.

 

Also make sure there are no legal risks involved in using your insurance. If you have to pretend that you're still together, and something should happen that the insurance company finds out, please make sure this doesn't void YOUR insurance or your children's.

[masueuk]

Hobo

 

I guess you already know the answer to the question you posed, but you need some reassurance from us on that decision. Well, as I am also in the UK and have health cover for private medical care I understand the big difference in NHS vs private, at least in the initial stages. I guess one question I have is Does your insurance company offer full cover no matter how much treatment. This isnt to make you doubt whether you should aim to get your ex treated privately, which I suspect is the solution which sits best with who you are. I only wondered if they will provide ongoing care if the situation became more serious. That is a practical issue in what sounds like a really difficult position you find yourself in.

 

 

I wonder if your partner has other issues which she hasnt been able to put into words, so she is lashing out. I mean it isnt going to cost you any money if it is part of your policy coverage, so she wont be deprived of money. It wont take your time unless you are an oncologist. Maybe all she is looking for is reassurance that she is the person you are with because she is the person you love. We are all fragile in different ways. What might seem like a totally unreasonable position to most people about your ex will no doubt seem totally rational and reasonable to your partner. So ask yourself what else she isnt saying and try to understand how you can work on that aspect together.

 

 

At the end of the day if your ex didnt receive timely treatment (which in many areas is provided by the NHS if cancer is a real possibility) and subsequently died (which can happen even if you are treated on day 1) your partner would find it impossible to be truthful and honest in her relationship with your children. She would be waiting for the charge "you killed my mummy" even if the kids never said anything like that. Guilt for acts of omission can be even stronger than guilt for acts committed.

 

 

I know it is easy for me to sit and sound all very reasonable about this when you are the poor guy stuck right in the farmyard manure. My heart goes out to you. I can see it from both sides. My fiance has an ex who I would gladly have replace Guy come November 5th but I know that if we were in your position, he would do the right thing, even if I cant stand her, I love him and that means living with some of his decisions which I dont always agree with. Thats just the deal, "love me for the person I am not the person you want me to be"

 

 

I wish you and all those mentioned, well.

 

masue

[hobo]

Thats just the deal, "love me for the person I am not the person you want me to be"

 

Hi MaSue

 

I think you've hit upon something there. My GF makes no secret about the fact she wants me to change. Her ideal is that she wants to be just like her mum & dad. Great aim, since they are undoubtly good people and have given her a fantastic upbringing. But as I keep telling her, our life is different. This is the second time round for both of us and we both have ex's and between us have 4 kids. Fundamentally we're nothing like her parents and we will never be like them either.

[New_Wife]

You have already answered your own question. Quite frankly, if your girlfriend has a problem with you assisting your children's mother so that she may LIVE, one wonders what sort of step mother she's really going to make. That animosity she feels is unreasonable, and will inevitably bleed over into her relationship with your kids at some point, and they towards her.

 

Make your decision for your children. If your partner cannot accept that you, as a father, are doing the right thing for your kids - perhaps you should ask yourself how much of a partner that makes her.