LD Guy I Care For Wants to Hook Up With Multiple Strangers

[PreppyPoppy]

Long story short, I been in communication with this guy in another state for over 5 years now. We've met several times and had a blast. Over time I developed feelings for this person, and told him that I liked him. While he said that he likes me too, without being closer, he was hesitant to look at us as boyfriend/girlfriend. So I suggested that I was willing to relocate so long as I had a good job lined up there in order to give it a try. He seemed cautiously receptive to that, but the idea has died down in recent months.

 

Anyway, I know he is a member of a site that appeals to certain fetishes, one that I am also a member of, but I don't actively post. But I do check out his profile once in a while and see what he is up to on there. I know it sounds stalkerish probably, but I saw over the past few days he has been way more active than normal. And now he is trying to hook up for an out-of-town consensual gangbang in a hotel room in a few months with a bunch of random strangers. (I know that sounds crazy ridiculous maybe, but it's the truth.)

 

I am devastated and don't know how to approach this. I care about this guy a lot, and I thought he cared about me too. He's always been there for me if I need someone to talk to about anything and vice versa, but this... this is breaking my heart. He can't come out to see me, and recently rejected my proposal to come out to see him again, but he can do this?

 

I want to approach him about this, maybe, but I am not sure how to do it. I feel like I need to address something with him, but I'm worried I'm going to come across like I'm the bad guy here.

 

Any advice - please?

[central]

You connect on some level, but not another, it seems. Perhaps he is content with his life as is, and doesn't want the significant change involved in having you as an official g/f, whereas you want a real relationship more than he does. Sorry to say, I don't think this will ever go anywhere. I hope you can find someone compatible nearby, where you can actually see each other often.

[teak]

He has said that doesn't want to see you, and is arranging to have sex with strangers. It's a crappy way for him to have ended things, but it does sound like he's done.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is sending a very clear message: he is not interested in being more than friends with you anymore.

 

I don't think there's anything to approach him about, to be honest. He is doing his thing and he made no promises to you. I know it hurts to see where his priorities are, but it's become clear he doesn't feel the same way about you.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry, there's nothing here to indicate that he has ever been keen to have a future with you. "Cautiously receptive" and then letting the idea drop is not a positive outcome to your suggestion of moving. You shouldn't move for anything less than him being delightedly enthusiastic and doing all he can to make things happen on his end.

[elaine567]

YOU are at best long distance friends, the "romantic" part of your relationship is non existent on his side.

 

He does not see you as gf material, so no wonder he was not too keen on you relocating.

 

Now, he obviously has bigger fish to fry.

 

You need to stop making something out of nothing.

YOU are NOT bf/gf, he didn't want that, so what he does is none of your business.

Yes you are hurt and upset, but you wrote a love story in your head around this guy, and it doesn't match up with reality.

[MJJean]

He's not in a relationship with you. Who gets has sex with, singly or in groups, isn't your business. Leave him to his life.

[PreppyPoppy]

YOU are at best long distance friends, the "romantic" part of your relationship is non existent on his side.

 

He does not see you as gf material, so no wonder he was not too keen on you relocating.

 

Now, he obviously has bigger fish to fry.

 

You need to stop making something out of nothing.

YOU are NOT bf/gf, he didn't want that, so what he does is none of your business.

Yes you are hurt and upset, but you wrote a love story in your head around this guy, and it doesn't match up with reality.

 

While I appreciate your feedback, you could be a little bit kinder.

 

This is a guy that held my hand always and kissed when we were together, that was intimate with me, that introduced me to his mom and family, etc. He gave off a vibe of someone that truly cared and wasn't just a "friends with benefits" type of deal.

 

He has admitted before when I've been open about my feelings towards him and how confused I was where he stood and where to go that he could take some of the blame for that confusion because he realized he has been sending mixed signals. This was only a few weeks ago. He has had ample opportunity to tell me he only wants to view me as a friend and nothing more. I could be accepting of that if he was truthful about what his stance was, even though it would still hurt like hell.

 

I feel like I need to have some sort of discussion with him. But, yeah, maybe I ultimately do need to drop it and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Very few people will ever come right out and say in no uncertain terms that they only want to be friends. But his actions recently are making that very clear.

 

He won't come and visit you, doesn't want you to come to him, but he is up for a romp in a hotel with strangers. That should be all you need to know about where he stands. I'm not sure what more you will gain from a discussion about it, nor how you would approach it.

 

Does he know you are on the same fetish-oriented website? Did you sign up because you also enjoy the fetish, or as a way to keep an eye on him?

[elaine567]

This is a guy that held my hand always and kissed when we were together, that was intimate with me, that introduced me to his mom and family, etc. He gave off a vibe of someone that truly cared and wasn't just a "friends with benefits" type of deal.

 

Maybe, but the fact he was not interested in being bf/gf with you was the red flag you ignored. That was the time to take stock and step back.

YOU assumed he cared as much for you, in the same way that you cared for him, and that was your mistake.

[stillafool]

Long story short, I been in communication with this guy in another state for over 5 years now. We've met several times and had a blast. Over time I developed feelings for this person, and told him that I liked him. While he said that he likes me too, without being closer, he was hesitant to look at us as boyfriend/girlfriend. So I suggested that I was willing to relocate so long as I had a good job lined up there in order to give it a try. He seemed cautiously receptive to that, but the idea has died down in recent months.

 

You've known him 5 years but have only met several times? That doesn't sound like much of a connection. He said he likes you? Well of course he does that is why he is friends with you; but he isn't in love with you. You admit he isn't looking at the two of you as bf/gf so why would you be willing to relocate to his area? People often introduce their friends, casual dates to their friends and family so you can't read too much into that. Also hand holding is just something you do on a date so don't read too much into that either. Words followed by action is what you go by and this guy isn't giving you either.

[Els]

The best way to "approach" him about this is by blocking him and going no contact, IMO. This "friendship" is causing you more grief than anything else, and by maintaining contact you are making it more difficult for yourself to move on.

[Cookiesandough]

No matter how you approach it, he won't care. He doesn't feel the same or want what you want. Cut him off.

[anika99]

Long story short, I been in communication with this guy in another state for over 5 years now. We've met several times and had a blast. Over time I developed feelings for this person, and told him that I liked him. While he said that he likes me too, without being closer, he was hesitant to look at us as boyfriend/girlfriend. So I suggested that I was willing to relocate so long as I had a good job lined up there in order to give it a try. He seemed cautiously receptive to that, but the idea has died down in recent months.

 

Anyway, I know he is a member of a site that appeals to certain fetishes, one that I am also a member of, but I don't actively post. But I do check out his profile once in a while and see what he is up to on there. I know it sounds stalkerish probably, but I saw over the past few days he has been way more active than normal. And now he is trying to hook up for an out-of-town consensual gangbang in a hotel room in a few months with a bunch of random strangers. (I know that sounds crazy ridiculous maybe, but it's the truth.)

 

I am devastated and don't know how to approach this. I care about this guy a lot, and I thought he cared about me too. He's always been there for me if I need someone to talk to about anything and vice versa, but this... this is breaking my heart. He can't come out to see me, and recently rejected my proposal to come out to see him again, but he can do this?

I want to approach him about this, maybe, but I am not sure how to do it. I feel like I need to address something with him, but I'm worried I'm going to come across like I'm the bad guy here.

 

Any advice - please?

 

By not coming to visit you and then rejecting your offer to go visit him he pretty much told you he has little to no interest in being with you. Hooking up with others is really not the issue as clearly he doesn't see himself in a relationship with you. The issue is that you are not seeing that he has already given you the brush off. It's pointless to confront someone about who they are screwing when they have no interest in being with you anyways.