she wants to call it quits, I never knew....help plz

[desperate99]

I dont even know where to start...

 

i guess at the beginning...i dont even feel like typing...im so hurt...me (21) and my wife (18) met about a year and a half ago....we got married in december because everything was perfect. She is the one. I had already been through a divorce where I married a 16 y/o and she decided to sleep around with everyone, it was very heartbreaking but I finally got over it. Now I'm in the situation again. My wife is "tired of trying". She says shes been trying for at least 6 months. She says shes told me everything that had been wrong, I thought I had fixed it all...but I NEVER seen all this coming. about a week ago she said we needed to separate and have some time apart...

 

I didnt think that was the way to go and that we could sort everything out...I've given her everything she wanted, from my view and people around us, even her brother that lives with us says he doesnt see where she gets this, that I give her plenty of love and affection and everything. I bought her new cars, the new house she wanted, and everything. I'm thinking that I maybe look at long term happiness before the here and now. Since she said she wanted to separate I've given her every ounce of energy that I have. Then a couple days ago I walked into our room and seen an IM over her shoulder..."I want to hear the sound of your sweet voice, call me"; "I cant, hes home" she replied....I confronted her, very angrily of course and she said they were friends and that he had helped her with some of our problems lately. Ok then, but that doesnt sound like just a friend....

 

The next day I logged everything that happened on the computer...her emails, sweet poems they wrote back and forth, checked phone records...Shes been talking to her for about a month...behind my back. I've always told her that is my BIGGEST problem is cheating...if you're gonna do it tell me about it and we will split up...but no...she hid it....knowing how much it would hurt....

 

We have had our problems, I left out a girl that I had slept with before her and I recently told her, said I'm a liar and that she could never trust me...it was nothing and didnt matter to me and I honestly forgot about it...then when I remembered it was too late to tell her...but she slipped out...

 

Now she says he makes her happier than I do, and she is staying with a friend of hers for now....I don't know what to do...I never seen it coming...NEVER....it just came out of the blue I had no idea it was getting THAT bad...She says I drove her to cheating....

 

She is dead set on leaving everything and never looking back, all I want to do is work it out...remember "Til death do us part?" I believe in that and everything can be worked out...I Dont know what to do. I want to try, I want it all to be better, I will give her anything and everything but she says its too late and shes tired of trying...I didnt even know...

 

I also want to just tell her to get out and go with him and that I dont want to deal with it. I keep feelings locked up inside and dont ever deal with bad stuff...I just store it...I dont want to go through this. I want her to be happy, but at the same time only want to be with her....Im so desperate and have no idea what to do...I've had my share of screwups, but I say I'm sorry it wont happen again, and it doesnt...thats what marriage requires...I think. I've tried talking with her and shes completely set on leaving and never looking back...please help...please please please...I have no friends, no one to run to for advice, and thats why I'm here. Noone that I or she knows, parents, her friends, brother who lives with us, can see why we cant work things out....thanks

 

-johnny

[Zaira]

In my opinion you married too young. In this day and age, I think it's hard for young people to commit to something so serious because there are so many other opportunities out there that they want to explore. Sometimes the idea of marriage is so "cool" that people jump straight into it. She may have thought she was ready to get married, but it is quite obvious she wasn't.

 

It looks to me as though she has been using you, and she doesn't even want to try and make it work. My suggestion would be to get out now before you get hurt any more.

 

Take some time out on your own. Life your life for YOU and no one else. I think you need to see that there are other things in the world for you to do. Don't be so quick to jump into relationships, esp ones that require a great deal of commitment.

[desperate99]

Thank you. I was afraid of hearing that, but I realize it may be the truth. I myself am prepared for the commitment I believe, though it seems no other young people are....I was just born too late it seems....drugs, sex sex sex, parties, binge drinking...not interested...I just want the "old fashioned life"....

 

Thanks again...

[desperate99]

I just don't know what to do...I need someone....I have no interest in anything else...it was all taken away through my marriages...I gave them everything that was me...and really dont think I can find it again or get it back...

[onelifetolive]

you WILL get through it and you will feel like yourself again.

 

TIME HEALS and tomorrow is a new day.

 

give, but never give too much and take it slow.

[Ladyjane14]

People vary in the level of maturity at any particular age. I've known some 18 year olds (and even younger), who were able to make mature decisions that affect the course of their entire lives. But not too many.

 

I agree with Zaira. I think it's a problem of maturity, and there's nothing that YOU can do to correct that for someone else.

 

If you aren't tied together by parenthood, then there's nothing really stopping you from moving on with your life.....and making something REALLY good out of it.

 

The best revenge is 'living well', afterall. Why not spend some time exploring the possibilities? If you aren't already in college, why not consider it? Maybe you could even do some traveling?

 

You're only 21. Why tie yourself down, with someone who has a different level of maturity, and is obviously NOT like-minded in goals? It could be YEARS, and it could be NEVER that your young wife develops into a mature person who is capable of keeping the vows she makes.

 

It seems an irrational wager against YOUR YOUTH, that you gamble on the outcome here.

[desperate99]

Thanks...I did talk to someone at work, and found out that they are just coming out of the exact same situation, but this is the girl im talking to, she was in my wifes EXACT position, she said she just needed a little time to work herself out, and told me to give, but not too much, and to try but also not too much. To not give it all, but give a little more than she gives. I am hopeful, because she is just moving back in with her husband. Even though I know that may not be the case with us I'm hopeful.

 

I'm kinda tied down here, being in the military already, but am thinking about volunteering for the deployment I've been wanting to do for a while, but didnt want to leave my wife alone for that long. That would give us both time, and keep me from wanting to..."harrass" her.

 

Thank you for all your help everyone, it's been taken to heart.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by desperate99

I'm kinda tied down here, being in the military already, but am thinking about volunteering for the deployment I've been wanting to do for a while, but didnt want to leave my wife alone for that long.

 

Don't do ANYTHING in regards to your military career that you don't honestly feel in your heart. Don't allow romance...or lack thereof...to influence your decisions. You deserve that for YOURSELF. Be your own best friend here, okay?