How I Screwed Up My Best Relationship

[mike.c]

I know, the final fact of the whole thing. I've already been bounced from the bar and I'm still sitting in the alley. The game is already over, "But it was a bad call ref, we could have won that game," yet the stadium is empty.

 

 

Here I am still complaining and brooding. It's just that I walk around with this on my back for so many days..

 

I'm doing the same thing. It's so over for her, but in my mind there is still hope sometimes. I only wish I knew what she meant to me sooner.

[Greenhawk84]

I'm doing the same thing. It's so over for her, but in my mind there is still hope sometimes. I only wish I knew what she meant to me sooner.

 

 

And this is normal life stuff.. someone tells you they love you day in, day out, becomes your best friend, but under conditions. Conditional love is awful and we're all guilty of it. I just don't give up so easy when I am in love with someone. Not that anyone is obligated to do anything.. but nothing adds up when I look back.

[RustCohle]

Well what I mean is that texting should be infrequent and not that long. She shouldn't have been expecting goodmorning from you anyway. You should not be so available. I have women complain that they always initiate texting or conversation when we don't meet and that they "are getting tired of this". This is a **** test. They stay regardless when they realize they won't get their way. And guess what. They are still very attracted to me.

 

Ignore what women say. What I mean by that when she complains that she is willing to go where you plan and that you don't do much sacrifices for her then keep on doing what you do. Don't comply. The moment you comply is the moment you will lose her. Because over time these little things will make her lose respect of you and attraction.

 

The next time you enter a relationship set your own rules-for yourself- and stick to that. The sticking point is that too much availability eventually damages the relationship(this is what happens with broken marriages and people don't seem to get that). And always lead. Don't let much room for her to make plans. Give the plans.

 

And no you wouldn't have won the game. Women come and go, they don't stick around forever. I will say the same thing to a woman(That men come and go). Things change, so you have to be content with that and move on fast. It's better that it was over sooner than later. Because later it wouldn't have been harder for you and you would have been older.

[kortz]

Get yourself on dating apps and sites, start speaking to other women and make it a goal to smile at or say hi to a different woman every day...your ego needs a boost and you need to see that their are other women out there. You don't have to go on any dates yet, but even starting to notice other women and maybe getting some attention will help you start to realize there is a lot more out there.

 

You were with her a year and it has been 4 months since the break-up. While everyone has different durations for their healing you certainly should be taking ownership of feeling and getting better by now and be making positive steps towards that.

 

And make sure you are in total no contact...no social media, no texting or looking at anything that reminds you of her. Put away all pictures and anything she gave you, out of sight.

[Greenhawk84]

Get yourself on dating apps and sites, start speaking to other women and make it a goal to smile at or say hi to a different woman every day...

 

And make sure you are in total no contact...no social media, no texting or looking at anything that reminds you of her. Put away all pictures and anything she gave you, out of sight.

 

I have been on dating sites for a few months now. I figured, it's so hard for me to even land a date that I may as well start as early as possible. Even if my heart is not 100% ready I can still talk to women and have fun when I can.

 

 

Even though I am blocked from my ex on everything I can still see her Facebook as a "non-friend" and she kept my friends connected for some reason. There is a period where I love to torture myself and look for any clues as to who she could be dating by now. I think it helps me get over it but makes it pretty painful in the meantime. Who knows.. rejection breeds obsession. I definitely throw myself down the stairs.

 

 

I deleted her phone number a while ago and I can't remember it. It doesn't matter, she blocked me on the phone too. Not that I think calling her would be a great idea if I was able to. It's definitely my responsibility to not try to contact her at all and look forward. If there were some wire I could unplug or cut that disconnects me giving a **** I would do that. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

[Greenhawk84]

Just an update for anyone who may care, I would say the feelings of complete darkness and sadness are fewer and fewer between the days. I still think of my ex every day and miss her presence in my life. But I feel myself not being overwhelmed by sadness and emptiness. I am reaching that 50/50 point of indifference.

 

 

I talked to a few women online but no dates yet. My heart is not 100% available and I can take it or leave it. I just haven't found anyone who makes me "light up" inside. It could take quite a long time and I have to be patient.

 

 

Just as advice for anyone just coming off the conveyer belt of a break up; feel/process all your pain raw and gravitate to those who love you. Seek to better yourself and review what happened as a lesson and an opportunity to grow. Don't ever feel bad for missing your ex, just know that it's OK, keep going each day.

 

 

I will say, after nearly 5 months, JEEZ am I horny though.

[Spartakooty]

You screwed up alright but not because of the reasons you pinpointed above.

The major reason is that you were too available from the get go. And because of that availability you were expected to do some things. Like texting all day.

Also it seems she was the one initiating things and that is another huge mistake on your part. Men lead. You make plans and she follows. That's what really turns women on.

 

So instead of her telling you to go for ice skating, I would have told her "No. I don't like ice skating but we can do this[insert something] that we will both enjoy". Instead of her telling you to go over to sleep, she should have learned by now that you make the plans. For example after a dinner you should say "Let's go over to my place" then if you want her to stay after sex you tell her to stay. You let her made so many decisions that she was the man of the relationship.

 

Also bear in mind that women don't really care if you don't do stuff that they like. For example if she likes ballet it doesn't mean you should be doing ballet together. Don't bother with such trivia stuff. Women don't care about this. One of the things that make them crave you, is your leadership skills. So the problem is not that you didn't try ice skating, the problem is that you didn't make a plan for some recreational activity on your own and invited her over. You were lazy and let all the decisions to her. The problem is not that you were negative. The problem is that you let the situation force you to be negative too many times. Because women might come up with girly plans and force you to go with them if you don't lead.

 

So mark this as a mistake that you shouldn't be doing in future relationships. If a woman offers something and you really want to do then that's ok. Women will not leave you easily if you stand your ground for your wants. Women will leave you easily if you don't lead. That was your mistake.

 

And one last thing to remember. Every next relationship is almost better than the last one. So instead of beating yourself up go out and play around with some girls. No woman is going to come and find you and knock on your door to have a relationship with you by waiting. You create relationships with your actions. With no action of course you will not find something better.

 

I agree with parts of this. However, some women like to lead. It's my opinion that my ex dumped me (partly) because she wasn't the top dog in the relationship. She was almost always the one in relationships with the better job, more things going on, more friends etc. My life was way ahead and I think that made her feel uncomfortable. The women I have known LOVE LOVE LOVE to plan and lead. However that does not mean the man should act as a door mat. My 2 cents.

[Greenhawk84]

I agree with parts of this. However, some women like to lead.

 

 

It totally depends on your character as a man and what kind of women you attract/enjoy to be with. These days women want equality and I don't disagree. I don't think it's much to ask to sacrifice for my girlfriend if she really wants me to do something with her because she loves me. I had a girlfriend who loved to look things up and ask me if I would like to go there and that was wonderful because she picked some good places. She actually helped me to understand how this kind of stuff works. My last ex did not plan anything really. I do like a woman who finds a place she wants to eat and says "Hey lets go here!" A woman with independent thoughts is attractive, I do not need to be controlling and leading the relationship all the time. However, I do like a woman who respects me and allows me to lead. I do not need a woman who is often in masculine energy.

 

 

Planning ahead is OK but remember that women naturally enjoy the mystery. I need to find that balanced woman who isn't trying to control me but has her own ideas sometimes. Collaboration can be a great feeling of connection.

Edited July 25, 2017 by Greenhawk84

[Greenhawk84]

I know I repeated this before but still to this day I ask myself, how someone can tell you they love you daily for nearly a year straight (or however long) and then disappear from your life? I did not even do anything terrible to her.

 

 

This concept will not add up for me at this point of my life. It feels like we waste our time on a gamble that someone really loves us. Some things just end up worthless. "Chalk it up to life experience" perhaps? Gee, thanks for the "experience."

[Rockdad]

Isn't it good to hear someone testify about the evils of over texting?

[Greenhawk84]

Isn't it good to hear someone testify about the evils of over texting?

 

What do you mean?

[Greenhawk84]

Isn't it good to hear someone testify about the evils of over texting?

 

 

Nevermind, I misread your reply. Yes, texting helped to destroy communication and fundamentally disable our relationship. It was like termites. I am so sorry for screwing that relationship up.

[preraph]

I'm sorry you learned too late. You were far too rigid and set in your ways and part of that comes from still living with your parents. The answer wasn't for you to to live together but for you to get your own place so she could come over there and you could get away from the cats or whatever. You seem totally unwilling to get out of your comfort zone and now you know that but I hope with that knowledge comes a determination to force yourself out of that comfort zone and try new things in different ways because all unions require massive compromise. Good luck on your next relationship. If I were you right now I would get a second job and get my own apartment ASAP before even trying today.

[Greenhawk84]

I'm sorry you learned too late. You were far too rigid and set in your ways and part of that comes from still living with your parents.

 

Absolutely, yes. I am saving for a house but if push comes to shove the apartment/condo route will happen. This has gone on long enough and it's really affecting my life negatively now. I managed to get lucky and meet women who were semi-OK with it because I have a career and my own bills etc, but my independence cannot be solidified under their roof.

 

 

As far as "trying right now" goes, I haven't had a date since my break up. Nothing at all, no hookup, not even a little cuddle/affection. It's absence hurts my heart when I think about it. But only when I think about it..

[preraph]

I like your plan. So yes, save up for a house. And then get one and rent a room out. If the time comes to get serious with a woman, you can move your renter out. meanwhile, you can afford the home.

[Greenhawk84]

I reactivated my Instagram account last night. I never used Instagram before; I only set it up to check it out. I found an old message from the day after our break up, March 15th, 2017. She started with "You probably won't see this since you don't use this." Maybe she was venting? It was an early message since the following weeks were a perpetual dragged out mess.

 

She explained she was sorry if she hurt me and she loved me () but was hurt that I blew off her reasons to break up as stupid. She was hurt that I called her a snowflake.

 

I called her a snowflake because she was so sensitive about everything. She's a woman, it's OK to be sensitive, and I’m sensitive too! It wasn't meant to be a political jab but unavoidably was, since she was an avid Trump hater. I am centrist; I can't stand the entire political arena. She rode my ass for that jab for the rest of our time communicating. It drove home the fact that she actually is a sensitive snowflake because it came across like a battering ram instead of a jab. She held on to that word for dear life.

 

Anyway, I broke the first rule of no contact. I sent 2 lines:

 

"I have learned a lot by losing you."

"You became my best friend."

 

This morning, as expected, I am blocked. No trace of her to be found. I did not bother to try and "Follow" her on Instagram.

 

Can't I at least be treated like a human and not a ****ing deadly virus? Am I a murderer? Why is it NORMAL to share all the intimate details with someone day-in-day-out for a year only for them to be this way STILL after 5 months? No "Hey how's your Dad recovering? How's your summer? How's anything? Yes, I'm OK, hope you're OK." I have to treat this as if it never happened?

 

Yes, it is social rejection, it stings. What's my goal, brief contact perhaps, or signs of not being a total monster? I should not be sending her one word. If I EVER spoke to her again, it's because she initiated contact.

 

She's probably right. Leave it alone. Don't look back, let it be. There is nothing to see here, just move along as usual. I want to accept that this is a part of life; people leave our lives for good and are not concerned.

 

I am meeting a new lady tonight who I met online. These are pretty much blind meetups. I invited her to a local reservation for a nature walk, to talk a while and feel the vibes. At least it will be nice to have company.

Edited August 9, 2017 by Greenhawk84

[kortz]

Many of us have been there and broken no contact just like you, only to be met with silence or not what we were expecting/wanting. Put it down to a lesson learnt and continue moving on.

 

As you can see however, things were not so perfect, not for her anyway and it takes two to make a relationship. It is part of life like you have said now be a man and go bang this new chick in the woods on your nature walk (half joking but half not )!!!

[Greenhawk84]

It is part of life like you have said now be a man and go bang this new chick in the woods on your nature walk (half joking but half not )!!!

 

Lol, thanks. It takes me forever to get involved. I'm just trying to date again. Actually taking someone out and treating her to dinner and flirting would be a huge accomplishment.

[kortz]

Lol, thanks. It takes me forever to get involved. I'm just trying to date again. Actually taking someone out and treating her to dinner and flirting would be a huge accomplishment.

 

Yep it's not easy, took me about 3 months after my breakup before I had enough motivation to go on a date. Just go in with an attitude that you're meeting new people and getting out there and having fun, don't worry about getting involved with anyone unless it naturally goes that way. Think of it as no pressure casual dating and until you get back on your feet.

[Greenhawk84]

Yep, I agree. Date was fun, we walked and talked, then she wanted to have a drink with me. I was about to call it a night! A nice casual evening, I needed this.

[Greenhawk84]

I guess in life you're going to get beat down.. and beat down again.. and take a few shots here and there while you are down and trying to get up.

 

 

The woman I tried to date has bailed on me. She gave me a cheek when I went in for a kiss. I saw her twice, but could sense she wasn't crazy about me. I didn't bother her at all, just tried to setup some dates and be flirtatious.

 

 

Anyway.. back to square one. No dating prospects, still missing my ex from 6 months ago. 6 months.. I knew this would be hard. I knew this would be a long, long road because of who I lost this time around. My heart feels cracked.. but I must keep going. I am sad.. I am depressed. I see places, shops, etc, and think "She would really like this." This thinking is automatic. I always want to do things for my girlfriend, but in this case she is long gone.

 

 

After a long while/weeks of not crying I finally cracked on Sunday. I couldn't stop thinking about how I was left behind.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Ey up Fella,

 

Your post really got to me. I know where you're at and what you're feeling. At about 6 months I felt the same and continued to do so. Hell even now I still consciously think about what I did wrong.

 

Trick i've found to help me out is.. well two things that might help.

 

1. Write them all down what you need to improve on, get it out of your head and on paper, but separate them out in to 2 lists. 1 list for what you can work on yourself and 1 list for your next relationship.

2. Work on List 1 every damn day, improve your life.

3. When you get in to a new relationship - don't fu** up and do and of the crap on list 2.

 

After a while the guilt slowly fades, and I mean really slowly mate, sorry but it does. The guilt felt like it was eating me alive day and night for months! Do your best to forgive yourself, accept what's done is done and in the words of Raffiki from Lion King, learn from the past.

 

I, like you, feel like i set the bar too high with my ex, she was everything to me, high up on her pedestal in my mind. However I can see clearly now how the relationship had major failings, especially in the area of communication, lack of independence in lieu of codependence, overall trust and respect issues. Generally I thought we were very happy all the time together, hence why when I was dumped out of the blue it crushed me. It took me over a year to really accept it, forgive myself and say right... life goes on.

 

I've worked on myself solidly for at least 10 months now, at first I did it for her, now I do it for me.

 

I'm not going to lie though, I still think of her every day, but it doesn't hurt anymore. One day I might be lucky enough to get another opportunity with her. If not, one day there'll be someone else that blows me away like she did.

 

Hang in there fella, you've got through the hardest 6 months, the next 6 get easier... ish.

 

And when your friends get tired just vent on here. That's what all us soppy unashamedly heartbroken 'alpha' men do anyway...

 

Good luck

[Greenhawk84]

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

 

I am trying to be active in my life. I run, go to the gym, hang with friends, study new topics, play some games, sign up for team games (darts, pool, bowling), Krav Maga class (soon), and make plans for the future (home, job, etc.).

 

 

None of this.. I mean none of this kills off the undertone of sadness I feel inside. I come home from running and lay down a moment; I feel the tears coming up to the top. I feel the sinking in my heart; no matter how many good nights with friends and family I experience.

 

 

I try to fill the hole. I try to feel all the raw feelings through and then make new memories. I try to review with myself how to be a better guy and sometimes I feel like I am who I am to an unchangeable degree.

 

 

Someone was my best friend, said they loved me, and was there every day for me. Now they are gone. This is normal, but I don't understand. I don't understand the conditions of romantic love.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Greenhawk84

[kortz]

I think moving on is often 2 steps forward and 1 step back. You made some good progress getting out and getting a date and it didn't work out but that's ok that's how dating goes, you win some and you lose some. Now you find yourself back to square one but you will pull yourself out of it much quicker. There will be good days and bad days and in time the bad days become easier to handle and less frequent. Keep doing what you're doing and moving forward.

 

If it helps, now that you've had some time to reflect, stop thinking of her as someone who was your best friend and your love interest. Instead remind yourself that this person caused you so much pain and sadness. It doesn't erase the good memories but realize there are bad memories there too and use that to shift your thinking away from idolizing her and the relationship to seeing it more objectively.

[Greenhawk84]

You made some good progress getting out and getting a date and it didn't work out but that's ok that's how dating goes, you win some and you lose some.

 

 

It doesn't erase the good memories but realize there are bad memories there too and use that to shift your thinking away from idolizing her and the relationship to seeing it more objectively.

 

 

Endure the pile of No's before I get to the Yes. We have to go through more rejection on top of our aftermath of a breakup. I suppose if it causes me that much pain I shouldn't be dating yet. I think I can take it.. we'll see.

 

 

When it comes to her, I cannot think of a whole lot I didn't like about her. I was the one who mainly screwed up. I can only remember how she wouldn't meet with me face to face. She wouldn't let me hug her one last time and show her how much she meant to me. She wouldn't give me another moment in person to work it out. Even after I realized what happened post-breakup, she would not allow me to show her what I learned and that I cared enough to analyze myself.

 

 

I'm venting and perhaps repeating myself. But that's the broken record brain I have right now. Thank you guys.