So lost...adult daughter left with kids

[andie1969]

Last Thursday my daughter loaded up her kids while her live-in boyfriend and father of kids was at work, and drove 5 hours to another state to be with a 64 year old man she had met online. She is 28 and the kids are 5 and almost 3. Since they never married, there is no custody order in place so by default she has them. She has not answered any of our calls, texts or emails. We know where she is because bf got into her emails and found this guys address. Last Friday I had the police in that town go do a welfare check to at least make sure she and the kids are ok. They are, physically anyway. She has a history of bipolar but has seemed to be stable the last few years, she started acting weird in April/May and we knew she was talking to someone online but NEVER thought she would do this. We are all losing our minds here, but legally our hands are tied at the moment. The kids dad has an appt. with an attorney on Wed, so hoping to get some answers then. She has told this old guy that bf was abusive and she needed a safe place. Total BS, plus if she that were true, there are a million other people that would have helped her out. He is going crazy not having his kids, and she took their only vehicle as well so he's stuck trying to get rides to work since it's important he remain employed now for sure.

 

Ugh, just typing this out makes me want to throw up. I want those little boys back home where they belong, not with some creepy old dude! (no offense to anyone that age, but if a 64 year old is preying on a 28 year old, he's a creep!!) It is taking every ounce of energy to keep myself from driving there and physically taking them. I also never thought I'd fight to have custody, at least temporarily, taken from my own daughter, but it's obvious that being with her right now is NOT in their best interest. I have barely slept, can't eat, I don't know what to do.

[BettyDraper]

That's terrible. Hugs to you.

 

Your daughter could be in a manic state and not thinking clearly. Is she on medication for her bipolar disorder? If so, then maybe your daughter stopped taking her meds right when she started to act strange.

 

Even though I agree that it is disgusting for a 64 year old man to be with a 28 year old, the fact is your daughter is an adult who has been stable enough to make her own decisions for a long time. Perhaps there's more to this story that you're not aware of.

[andie1969]

She has not been on meds for a few years and of course denies that she has any issues. I think he was telling her what she wanted to hear, and she is just so delusional right now. No matter the age, it's NOT rational to up and move to be with someone you've never met in person before AND take 2 small children. That shows rash behavior and those poor boys are probably so confused.

[basil67]

What a terrifying situation to be in. I have no advice, so I am sending you a big hug.

[BettyDraper]

She has not been on meds for a few years and of course denies that she has any issues. I think he was telling her what she wanted to hear, and she is just so delusional right now. No matter the age, it's NOT rational to up and move to be with someone you've never met in person before AND take 2 small children. That shows rash behavior and those poor boys are probably so confused.

 

Yes, I agree that your daughter's behavior is irrational and quite selfish considering that she is a mother of two kids.

[amaysngrace]

This man could be a pedo for all she knows. I'm so sorry you're going through this and those boys' daddy too.

 

How horrible.

 

I'm glad you've gotten a lawyer though. Knowing your rights is always a good idea, especially because awareness can help you stay calm during such an emotionally charged time.

 

I hope this situation improves and those kiddies come home soon.

[andie1969]

Well we still haven't heard a word from her. The kids dad met with attorney yesterday to get the ball rolling to get the kids back, but that takes time. We are, at the attorney's advice going to drive out there on Saturday in hopes of at least seeing them. It is a 5 hour drive each way so I hope it's not in vain. I can't sleep, all I've done for the past week is worry. I have no idea what she has told them or if they think they are never going to see any ours again and that just breaks my heart.

 

I have toyed with the notion of calling social services. It is a tiny apartment and this 64 year old guy, his 27 year old son already live there, now my daughter and 2 children are there too. I found the son's FB page and he is a weird dude too, his profile pic is of him holding a sword. From photos it's obvious he collects knives and swords and is an avid pot smoker. NOTHING about the whole situation is a stable environment for them. However if they are called, I'm sure she will suspect me and will react even worse, or take off again. At least now we know where they are.

[darkmoon]

sorry, but she sounds tired of both of you, and yet you blame her 100%

 

she must have a reason or two for moving on - so what might her side of the story be?

Edited July 20, 2017 by darkmoon

[andie1969]

She is 28, she "met" this 64 year old man online and they "are soulmates and in love". She had never met him in person but up and moved her 2 children there to live? That's more than just being tired of us, that is completely irrational and unsafe behavior. She has had these manic episodes before, last one was about 3 years ago, but never to this extent. She left most everything in her apartment, rent is paid through the end of the month, but that's it. She is so enamored by whatever this guy has told her that she doesn't care about anything else right now. Kid's dad got into her emails and saw all the gross sexual emails he was sending her. She took the kids away from their stability, the only home they knew, their father, all the grandparents and other relatives to go be with some stranger from the internet.

[andie1969]

Also, I'm not blaming HER, I'm blaming the 64 year old creep preying on someone who is not mentally stable right now.

[GorillaTheater]

she must have a reason or two for moving on - so what might her side of the story be?

 

 

Whatever it is, it's not going to make a damn bit of sense to anyone who isn't some kind of nut.

 

 

Andie, I'm very sorry for what you all are going through. I recommend going forward with contacting social services. I understand your concern that she might run again, but the current situation sounds too potentially dangerous to just let it go.

[knabe]

sorry, but she sounds tired of both of you, and yet you blame her 100%

 

she must have a reason or two for moving on - so what might her side of the story be?

 

Her side of the story is that she has stopped treatment for a serous mental illness and has driven her young kids cross country to live with a 64 year old male stranger.

[ItStartsFromWithin]

I wouldn't worry about her leaving and hiding again. She's not going anywhere. Because, if she truly believes that this 64 year old man is her; twin flame, soulmate, than there is no where she rather be than with him. I highly doubt she'd leave because right now; HE is all she wants.

 

My girlfriend fell deep into the twin flame belief and moved across the country, leaving her three children & husband behind to be with a man that she only talked to online because she believed they were destined to be together. Turns out he was married with kids, but that didn't matter to her because of her belief in this, twinflame concept. She stayed in his state until he had a restraining order put out on her because she was, in her mind, the other half of his soul(?)

 

My point is, not only is she in twin flame delusion, but also possibly in an affair fog. So, I doubt you visiting her, would snap her out of fantasy. I would definitely consider Children Services, welfare check, like you proposed. That way; if this older man OR his son that's living with him, have any prior arrests (domestic abuse, assault, rape, child molestation, etc.) their backgrounds should be investigated by the Children Services workers, who visit.

 

My friend was all too, content, to leave her children for this man, so it may also be possible to perhaps, get her to agree to hand the children back to you and their father. Its not a definite but maybe Child Services could convince her ? (If she truly does want to be with this older gentleman?)

 

Either way, I will pray for your family (if that's OK) and I hope you get to see your grand babies soon. Hugs.

[andie1969]

I wouldn't worry about her leaving and hiding again. She's not going anywhere. Because, if she truly believes that this 64 year old man is her; twin flame, soulmate, than there is no where she rather be than with him. I highly doubt she'd leave because right now; HE is all she wants.

 

My girlfriend fell deep into the twin flame belief and moved across the country, leaving her three children & husband behind to be with a man that she only talked to online because she believed they were destined to be together. Turns out he was married with kids, but that didn't matter to her because of her belief in this, twinflame concept. She stayed in his state until he had a restraining order put out on her because she was, in her mind, the other half of his soul(?)

 

My point is, not only is she in twin flame delusion, but also possibly in an affair fog. So, I doubt you visiting her, would snap her out of fantasy. I would definitely consider Children Services, welfare check, like you proposed. That way; if this older man OR his son that's living with him, have any prior arrests (domestic abuse, assault, rape, child molestation, etc.) their backgrounds should be investigated by the Children Services workers, who visit.

 

My friend was all too, content, to leave her children for this man, so it may also be possible to perhaps, get her to agree to hand the children back to you and their father. Its not a definite but maybe Child Services could convince her ? (If she truly does want to be with this older gentleman?)

 

Either way, I will pray for your family (if that's OK) and I hope you get to see your grand babies soon. Hugs.

 

As much as I don't want my daughter gone, I so wish she had left without the kids! I'm hoping she realizes that the apartment is too small for all of them and lets me take them, at least short term. Yes, I agree, she is totally in the fog, NO ONE can talk sense into her. I need to approach her with love and compassion, even if I disagree with everything she is doing.

[andie1969]

My point is, not only is she in twin flame delusion, but also possibly in an affair fog.

 

Wow, I just looked through her Pinterest account and she has pinned all these things about being "twin flames". I've never heard that expression before. I looked at this dude's FB account and then clicked on all his female friends, as late as last week he was commenting on pictures saying how HOT they were. Ugh, he was preying on anyone and everyone, but my daughter had to be the idiot to actually fall for it.

[jnel921]

I don't think that there is any excuse for any person uproot their kids without the knowledge or consent of the biological father regardless of the court or non-court ordered situation.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. s a parent of a younger daughter who has a history too of running off with the wrong men, I can almost be sure she is not in the right mental state and needs to think of her kids.

 

Perhaps their Bio D can put in a court order that she come back with his kids.

 

You should reach out to this man or your D to confirm if all is really well.

 

Let her explain her actions. Big hugs to you!

[andie1969]

I have been meaning to update, it's been a nightmare. We drove out there on Saturday, 5.5 hours each way. Found the apartment which is a crappy section 8 dump. It was me, kids' dad and his brother (brought him to help drive and just to have another guy with us). Knocked on the door, the 27 year old son opened the door a crack and and I said I was there to see Karen (not her real name). He asked who I was, I said her mother, he said, "yeah that's not happening". I could hear the boys' voices so I yelled their names and said I loved them, he slammed door in my face. I knocked again and the 64 year old answered, I repeated what I said and he said "I don't think so" and shut the door. I called police to come make sure she wasn't being held against her will and to do a welfare check. They said her and boys are fine (that's subjective I know) and nothing we could do without a court order. I left the gifts I had brought on the porch. We were devastated, it is such a horrible situation and my daughter is clearly unwell and not thinking in the best interest of the children. So, we drove home.

 

Yesterday we met with an attorney who had papers drawn up for "immediate return" of the oldest son. Father does not need to establish paternity since he signed an affidavit at birth. He did not for the 2 year old, so we can't do anything right now, but will work to get him out as well. I just heard from my attorney, the judge signed the order and she should be served on Friday. The order states to return him to our state into the custody of his father immediately. I honestly don't know if she will comply and how long before it is enforced. I know if she doesn't she can be held in contempt and arrested. I HATE doing this to my daughter, but I believe sometimes the end justifies the means. If we can get the kids from her, she may realize that yes she does need help and get it. These last 2 weeks have been a living hell, and I feel like every day she has those kids alienated will hurt them. The father checked the mail yesterday at their apartment where they were living together and there was a confirmation of change of address. So there is proof it isn't just a visit or "vacation" as she said in the note, but that she is planning on living there permanently with the 2 kids with a 64 year old man she JUST met 2 weeks ago. From what we could piece together, they had been talking online for maybe 1-2 months, just insane.

[knabe]

Oh andie, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what this must be like. I so hope she comes to her senses

[GorillaTheater]

Best of luck in getting this worked out, Andie. It's a terrible situation.

 

 

Is her dad in the picture? I don't want to overestimate my abilities to make things happen, but sometimes a dad has a way about him. Perhaps it's the vibe of possible bloodshed ...

[andie1969]

Her father & I divorced when she was young, he has been in and out of her life throughout the years, not much at all recently. So, I don't think he holds much weight right now. I think for now we need to trust the legal system as hard as it is to wait.

 

My other fear is that she will (or already has) marry this guy. Her judgement is so clouded at the moment and she really believes they are in love, her pinterest board is full of quotes about him being her king and her being his queen. It would not be a surprise for her to make such a rash decision right now.

[amaysngrace]

I'm glad you're getting somewhere with the legal system. They must see the risks involved to be moving so quickly on this.

 

What needs to happen in order for your grandkids' daddy to prove paternity? How long do you expect that to take?

 

I hope that once her oldest returns home she will realize how serious the situation she's in actually is.

 

Thinking of you all

xo

[LuckyLady13]

Andie1969, either there is more to this story you know about or there's something you don't know. Being bipolar isn't quite enough for someone as young as your daughter to fall in love with a man that age. Something led up to this. Either she felt so completely alone with her kids father that the moment any man said a few sweet words to her, she was swept right off of her feet or (and I hate to say this), she had a good reason to run.

 

You said your daughter is the only "idiot" to fall for this man. I hope you don't say things like that to her. Because if you do, I can see why she stayed behind that apartment door and allowed 2 people to slam it in your face. An old man is telling her things maybe she's never heard before like she's "hot" and "intelligent".

 

At her age, her self-esteem has to be in the gutter to feel uplifted, appreciated and wanted by a creepy old guy.

 

Did her kids dad treat her like a door knob? Or worse? Why is her self esteem so low?

 

At this point in time, being full-throttle against her being with this guy is going to pit you against them (his son included) and you are going to lose. You might not like it but she's not going to want to talk to you until you understand her. Why she did it. Accept whatever she tells you because at the end of the day, it's real enough to her and a good enough reason to react the way she did. Listen and understand. Her self esteem is so low right now and she feels he's the only person who appreciates her for some reason.

 

In the short time they spoke online, he knew what she wanted to hear and told her all of it. She wanted to hear these things desperately and this has given her that soulmate feeling.

 

How did she end up so desperate that the things he said sound so important and meaningful?

[amaysngrace]

How did she end up so desperate that the things he said sound so important and meaningful?

 

She has an untreated mental illness, that's how.

 

I don't know why you're making light of that.

[LuckyLady13]

She has an untreated mental illness, that's how.

 

I don't know why you're making light of that.

 

Maybe I should explain for those unfamiliar with bipolar? I thought a lot of people these days are familiar with it now because I hear people mention it often and also, there's a wealth of knowledge to be had so easily.

 

If she were in a manic phase, sure, this old creepy guy could sweep her off of her feet but so could the father of her children. And a 28 year old guy too! Blaming this on her being bipolar is unfair to her. If the depressive phases of the challenges she's dealing with from being bipolar combined with the anxiety have her self-esteem low, it won't stay low. That would mean she should be running back home any minute now. Because she would "wake up" to her error she made during a manic or depressive phase.

 

Not everything a person does is because they are bipolar.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe I should explain for those unfamiliar with bipolar? I thought a lot of people these days are familiar with it now because I hear people mention it often and also, there's a wealth of knowledge to be had so easily.

 

If she were in a manic phase, sure, this old creepy guy could sweep her off of her feet but so could the father of her children. And a 28 year old guy too! Blaming this on her being bipolar is unfair to her. If the depressive phases of the challenges she's dealing with from being bipolar combined with the anxiety have her self-esteem low, it won't stay low. That would mean she should be running back home any minute now. Because she would "wake up" to her error she made during a manic or depressive phase.

 

Not everything a person does is because they are bipolar.

 

Maybe she met him when she was down, got up from the high and that's why she's acting so erratically. Had she been on meds perhaps her low wouldn't have had her looking for a fix.

 

I think this mother knows her daughter quite well.