Author lavenderblue Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 probably because i still love him Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 how does one cope with this situation? Stay away from him and maintain NC. He is over it and indifferent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderblue Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 When reading posts in these forums, it always appears that the MM is usually a conniving chancer who will lie and manipulate to get what he wants. I was interested in knowing if any of you have been with a MM who still has your respect? My story I am on day 20 of NC with my ex MM...we have been together 5 years. For the past 7 years, i was also with my longterm bf. As things weren't great with my BF, i pursued this MM despite him telling me that he was married. Nevertheless i was so into him that we embarked on an amazing affair... He treated me with respect..he made me feel loved...he never spoke ill of his wife or my bf. He never said to me that he would ever leave his wife and 2 kids... he supported me and encouraged me to work things out with my bf...when things were really bad, he made me laugh...as i got more disenchanted with my life, i asked him to run away with me and he said he couldnt do that. I left him and he never tried to come after me..eventually i contacted him again. Finally a couple of months ago i eventually broke up with my bf...my MM told me that he knew that his time was up...he only existed as long as my bf existed as he couldnt give me the things that my bf gave me..only the things that my bf couldnt give me...a few weeks after i broke up with him too because at 33 i felt that i could wait any longer (even though he had never promised me anything)... he wished me well and told me that he would never begrudge me wanting to find my happiness and from that day onwards he has never tried to contact me...i saw him at work the other day and went to speak with him and he was polite and kind and sweet as always....how do i get over him when he gives me no reason to hate him? Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 You don't have to hate him to move on. You shared what you shared and now it's time to turn the page to a new chapter. You don't have to hate the old chapter go to the next chapter of your life. You live and you learn. I wasn't a MM and I don't advocate affairs, but I think being open, honest, and positive is the best way to have any relationship. No false promises. No bad-mouthing others. If you could find a single guy like that .... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 To your last question: I don't believe you need to hate someone to move on. You just need to accept the reality of the situation: Regardless of whatever is going on between you, he cannot give you what you ostensibly want--a committed relationship with him. You must also accept that this will take time and no one can put a timetable on your healing. Anything short of embracing the reality of the situation will lead to more pain. You have to truly believe this in order to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 how do i get over him when he gives me no reason to hate him? I am only responding to the above statement by you. I also have been in a longterm affair a MM who has been my best friend and always kind and loving to me. Don't think in terms of love or hate, as there is a very fine line between them. Strive for indifference, because then you will be truly healed and able to move on. Since you were the pursuer, were you his only A? Because if you were not, then to hate him just imagine your replacement. That would work (someone is going to say this so it might as well be me). Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Hate isn't the only way to get over somebody. Try reframing the issue: he's not the guy who can give you what you want -- a loving committed exclusive relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I can understand. Am in the same sort of situation. Hate won't get you anywhere. It has to be about you. What is it that you want. If this is not it, then remind yourself why you are doing this. It's not about him. I know it's easier said than done. (((Hugs))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ClassyTaste Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) "As things weren't great with my BF, i pursued this MM despite him telling me that he was married." You chased him while knowing he was a married man. This could be the reason you do not feel resentment. My exMM chased me and told me he was separated to hook me. I found out the truth later. I am angry because I was never one to pay attention to married men or would ever think about doing so. Gossip had already unknown to me in our community, before I found out he was not going through a separation and divorce. Then came the obvious lie that their relationship was like a business arrangement. When Dday came she certainly did not act like the other part of a business relationship, she made it known on Social Media. I believe my anger is more directed at myself. I have been feeling a mixture of indifference and anger at times when I think about him. I thought a man who would do something to risk breaking his family must really care for the other person. I would not leave my best jewels laying at the end of a driveway every night. I value them too much. This is where I believe the men who do not leave between 1-3 months, the usual time period for an exit affair, are men who are unable to cope with solving problems, are emotionally avoidants, and seek outside influences to enable them to remain happily or unhappily in their long term marriages. They have low self esteem and need ego boosts to feel alive and well. You mentioned he is being nice to you and this confuses you. He broke it off with you and if he treats you rudely that may make you angry enough to spill the beans to his wife. He also gets to keep things running smooth in case he wants to booty call you in the future. Edited July 10, 2017 by ClassyTaste 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 He stays "friendly" and kind because then he doesn't have to feel guilty or think about what he did. If we are still friends and she doesn't hate me, my wife doesn't know...then no one is hurt so I'm not "a bad guy". Also heard in a talk the other day: Men cheat to stay in a marraige. Women cheat to leave one. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 He stays "friendly" and kind because then he doesn't have to feel guilty or think about what he did. If we are still friends and she doesn't hate me, my wife doesn't know...then no one is hurt so I'm not "a bad guy". Also heard in a talk the other day: Men cheat to stay in a marraige. Women cheat to leave one. Nope, not buying it. People don't cheat to leave anything, they cheat because they want both to be single and married. Then sometimes they decide they no longer want to be married. I doubt very many women said, I'm done here let me start an affair. He has s friendly because he was emotionally tangled up, he enjoyed it for what it was and took what was given. Once she left her boyfriend, she was too risky Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Why should you hate him? You pursued him knowing he was married. He couldn't resist you...the attention and embarked on the affair. He didn't promise you anything. He refused to run off with you .... No future faking here at all. He enjoyed it while it lasted and is likely relieved he can stop living a double life now. He doesn't have to be the one who ended it and seem like the bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 op, you asked if anyone had ever been with an honest married man ( or woman, I guess). I'd have to say the answer to that is most likely "no", and I'll explain why. A married man who is cheating on his spouse is, by definition, dishonest. I;m not saying that he will always be that way, but at that point in time, he sees lying as an acceptable means to an end. It solves a problem, and if it works with his wife, you can bet your sweet bippy he'll try the same tack with his ow. After all, way mess with something that works? At any rate, I hope you are able to see that his behavior is not a reflection on you. You sound so lost right now, not just sad but lost. Please don't let that happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderblue Posted July 15, 2017 Author Share Posted July 15, 2017 If an affair is somewhat like any other relationship, only heightened, why does NC have to be lifelong? I know of other relationships i have had (not affairs) where i have become friends with my ex after the emotions etc have died down but everywhere i read it seems that with an AP, NC should be lifelong... Has anyone here managed to become friends with their AP at a later time? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Because in this case, the lifelong NC is NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about making amends and showing respect to your and/or their betrayed partner. Can you imagine any betrayed spouse who would be OK with an affair partner continuing to be in their lives? In short, having an affair is an unbelievably selfish act. Dropping the AP from your life shows that you have the ability to not be selfish. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Hi Lavender, I have'nt read any previous threads of yours so I do not know if you are married or not. What Basil had to say rings true. Trying to be friends with a person you have cheated with or been an accomplice with in the cheating game is fraught with danger. Firstly, those same feelings that propelled you to cheat/ become an accomplice in cheating may pull you in again. The reason is that what you did was like eating the forbidden fruit. You can never get enough of it. Secondly, you can never be friends with someone who took advantage of you/ you took advantage of/ both of you took advantage of each other because two cheats can never really be friendly with each other. They would never trust each other enough to be able to have a normal and healthy relationship with each other. Thirdly, can you ever be friends with a bacteria or virus that caused you to be lovesick, suffer emotional pain and generally have a debilitating effect on your psyche and state of happiness. It would be like waving a red flag in front of an enraged bull. If you still think it is a good thing to break NC the by all means go ahead but then be prepared to face the music even if it drives you up the wall. Warm wishes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 This is very typical wayward thinking, with not one thought towards the BS. NC is out of respect to the BS. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Why does abstinence from drugs have to be lifelong when you're in recovery? 17 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 So many of the threads and posts by waywards and former waywards end up covering and comparing the experience to an out control addiction that they want to break and get out of. A great percentage seem to end up comparing it to being and out of control drug addict or alcoholic. Those that do end up breaking NC often also seem to both act and draw comparisons to addiction relapses... Or, falling off the wagon. Perhaps ot may be associated to particular personality types that end up with drug addictions may also be susceptible to getting into affairs.... Adrenaline junkies/thrill seekers or those with tendencies towards obcessions and addictions. Or... Another way to say it once an addict/cheater always and addict/cheater. Living life in recovery mode, staying away from temptation one day at a time. Many learn to accept and respect their own weaknesses and set up boundaries to guard against making the same mistake or a simular mistake. Usually, the difference between those that are loyal spouse s and those that are wayward spouses is recognizing this weakness and setting up and maintaining appropriate boundaries. Setting up and maintaining a lifetime NC relationship with an affair partner is one of those boundaries. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 When is a good time to eat your own vomit? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 It seems to me that many women get into affairs to plug a gap in their lives. It is often an emotional gap and the MM becomes her support system. Whilst the affair may be over, she still needs the support, so is determined to be "just friends" as losing the whole package forever is just too hard to contemplate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 If an affair is somewhat like any other relationship, only heightened, why does NC have to be lifelong? I know of other relationships i have had (not affairs) where i have become friends with my ex after the emotions etc have died down but everywhere i read it seems that with an AP, NC should be lifelong... There are a lot of people who get bent out of shape at the idea of exes being friends even when it is perfectly harmless and platonic, and would break up with their partner if the partner insisted on maintaining contact with an ex ("If being their 'friend' is more important than respecting my wishes, you clearly don't love me!") I don't particularly agree with this attitude but I know it exists, and it's relevant to take into account when looking at this sort of thing. If many people would have problems with exes being friends at all, how much more would it be upsetting if it's an "ex" that you've already proved you can't maintain good boundaries with? Sure, you say you're just friends now, but most likely you were just friends at some point before the affair started, and yet look what happened. Also, there's the feelings of your partner to consider. Are THEY happy with the idea of you being 'friends' with someone you betrayed them over? Probably not. And if you're lying to that partner, either about the fact that you're friends again or about what happened in the past, then you are back in betrayal territory again already. If you truly can't give up the connection with an AP no matter what then you need to look at your marriage and recognise that you're giving up on it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 If you truly can't give up the connection with an AP no matter what then you need to look at your marriage and recognise that you're giving up on it. The OP is not married but had a LTR of 17 years and an A of 5 years standing, Both men she has now broken up with as neither were in a place to give her the relationship she really wants. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/628169-will-i-ever-able-move She no doubt feels in an isolated position having gone from one man to none in a short space of time. I guess she really wanted the MM to pick up the gauntlet, but he didn't, and being "friends" is the second best thing and leaves the door always ajar for him to potentially change his mind... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 The OP is not married but had a LTR of 17 years and an A of 5 years standing, Both men she has now broken up with as neither were in a place to give her the relationship she really wants. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/628169-will-i-ever-able-move She no doubt feels in an isolated position having gone from one man to none in a short space of time. I guess she really wanted the MM to pick up the gauntlet, but he didn't, and being "friends" is the second best thing and leaves the door always ajar for him to potentially change his mind... I think that's pretty much the point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Ah, well, in that situation I don't think the provision about no-contact-forever really stands, if you've already left the relationship that it was an affair from. Different set of issues then. In that case it comes back more to "don't try to be friends right away with someone you've just broken up with, that gets messy" Link to post Share on other sites
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