OLD beginnings - selection process

[No_Go]

You're right. Some guys just mass mail but I don't respond to them. And they seem to be on every site every time - I got messages from men that I remember from 2 years ago. Nothing changed for them apparently...

 

Nobody who reads it would get confused. Your mistake is that you still believe those looking for NSA actually read the profiles and look at the pics. Nothing you say or do can put these guys off because they don't read, they just mass-mail every female.

[No_Go]

Which site are you using? Some give you directional questions, maybe that will make it easier for you?

 

I did the narrowing down in the past 2-3 days or so. My profile was up a week before but I wasn't opening it - I just let messages accumulate. Then sorted through the messages and responded only to the ones that had a coherent targeted text (many others had coherent text but generic - like something they copy to every female... these I skipped. The 'Hi how are you' I skipped as well). I didn't focus too much on the 'type', for now I just looked at height and body type and age, and if the face is acceptable for me:) The rest of the physical attraction I think is for the time of the first meet, not during the preselection.

 

So far I'm just responding to guys that messaged me already but gaeta's method may be better if you seek for specific type.

 

IMO don't mass mail. Focus on 3-5 men. For me this worked before - time to get a bf from old has never been over 1-2 weeks. Now I'm intentionally slowing it down a bit to make a more informed selection...

 

?thank you. I have nothing written in my profile yet which isn't good. I'm not much of a writer and I find summarizing myself incredibly hard.

 

What made you choose the four guys instead of all the others on there? Just their responses? Were they your "type"? How long did it take you to narrow it down to these 4

 

Did they mail you or did you seek them out with the search gaeta talked about? I'm making it a goal to message at least 5 a day starting...tomorrow

 

 

Sorry for all the questions

[Eternal Sunshine]

The way OLD seems to work is that the longer you are on there, the lower your chances are of finding a good relationship. People that have had luck in finding LTRs, usually met their partner within a first few people they met (often even the first!).

 

It's really not an endless supply people seem to think it is. It's easy to burn through most even in a larg-ish city. I think No_Go has a good chance of meeting someone since she is still relatively new.

 

The quality of men I met through OLD progressively went down with time. It may also be due to age or who knows why. My last OLD relationship was by far the worst relationship I had in my life (a non-obvious liar, alcoholic, sexually and emotionally messed up, hang up on ex etc etc) and has put me off OLD for good.

 

It kind of sucks that after 30 or so, it's almost impossible to meet single people in everyday life.

[No_Go]

ES did you try switching up the sites? It is almost like the new experience.

 

Otherwise I agree the endless supply idea is a myth... I'm shocked to encounter the same men now, when the last time I logged in was the spring of 2015! Seems like there are old permanent residents... that are not relationship material but people meet after staying for a while because of their pushy behavior.

 

 

The way OLD seems to work is that the longer you are on there, the lower your chances are of finding a good relationship. People that have had luck in finding LTRs, usually met their partner within a first few people they met (often even the first!).

 

It's really not an endless supply people seem to think it is. It's easy to burn through most even in a larg-ish city. I think No_Go has a good chance of meeting someone since she is still relatively new.

 

The quality of men I met through OLD progressively went down with time. It may also be due to age or who knows why. My last OLD relationship was by far the worst relationship I had in my life (a non-obvious liar, alcoholic, sexually and emotionally messed up, hang up on ex etc etc) and has put me off OLD for good.

 

It kind of sucks that after 30 or so, it's almost impossible to meet single people in everyday life.

[Cookiesandough]

Which site are you using? Some give you directional questions, maybe that will make it easier for you?

 

I did the narrowing down in the past 2-3 days or so. My profile was up a week before but I wasn't opening it - I just let messages accumulate. Then sorted through the messages and responded only to the ones that had a coherent targeted text (many others had coherent text but generic - like something they copy to every female... these I skipped. The 'Hi how are you' I skipped as well). I didn't focus too much on the 'type', for now I just looked at height and body type and age, and if the face is acceptable for me:) The rest of the physical attraction I think is for the time of the first meet, not during the preselection.

 

So far I'm just responding to guys that messaged me already but gaeta's method may be better if you seek for specific type.

 

IMO don't mass mail. Focus on 3-5 men. For me this worked before - time to get a bf from old has never been over 1-2 weeks. Now I'm intentionally slowing it down a bit to make a more informed selection...

 

Thank you for the advice! Okay so you are going on first dates then seeing if the attraction is there. I used agree to dates only with guys I thought I had fair shot of being attracted to like 90% chance....ugh -_- just didn't want to waste anyone's time. I will focus on only a few ?

 

 

ES, what you said is really depressing. I've probably been on there a year if you add up all the time between breaks., but only about 20 conversations and 3 meet ups. I see some of the same people, but lots of new ones.

 

Probably like everything else, some people are better at dating. I mean not only being a more desirable partner, but just their dating "skills" know what they want and not as selective or nit picky either? So they get off the site quickly.

 

Luckily, I'm just looking for some practice at this point

[No_Go]

I'm a bit torn how to proceed - from my front runners that I've been emailing with in the past 3 days, one insists on a meet tomorrow or in the weekend. Basically he pulled the line 'I have a lot more to say but lets talk over coffee'. That's pretty much what I wanted to avoid because it makes me think he plays the dating game of a burnout guy (i.e. wants to verify before getting invested, if 3 emails are sooooo much of an investment....). On the other side - one coffee date will not kill me so I may give it a shot.

 

I'm more interested in another one... I mean I'm very drawn to the personality that he presents. However - he mentioned unwinding with wine a couple of times in his profile. I'm certainly not willing to date a drinker (I had an awful experience dating an alcoholic). Am I reading too much in the wording? I'm pretty sure if I meet this one I'll fall for him, so I'd prefer not to meet him if there is a massive deal breaker... I was wondering how to make an innocent check before agreeing to meet?

[Cookiesandough]

Not sure if there's a polite way to ask if someone has a drinking problem, but can ask if he drinks. Usually it says on there drinker, smoker, etc. It's truly confusing to me how people gain the momentum for the back and forth exchanges, but I admire it in the way one often admires what they can't achieve. I grow weary of that and tense to meet after about 5 lengthy exchanges, so I can empathize with guy 1.

 

But you seem more attracted to guy 2. At least you have found two men you are potentially attracted to. That is exciting.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Usename12]

I'm a bit torn how to proceed - from my front runners that I've been emailing with in the past 3 days, one insists on a meet tomorrow or in the weekend. Basically he pulled the line 'I have a lot more to say but lets talk over coffee'. That's pretty much what I wanted to avoid because it makes me think he plays the dating game of a burnout guy (i.e. wants to verify before getting invested, if 3 emails are sooooo much of an investment....). On the other side - one coffee date will not kill me so I may give it a shot.

 

I'm more interested in another one... I mean I'm very drawn to the personality that he presents. However - he mentioned unwinding with wine a couple of times in his profile. I'm certainly not willing to date a drinker (I had an awful experience dating an alcoholic). Am I reading too much in the wording? I'm pretty sure if I meet this one I'll fall for him, so I'd prefer not to meet him if there is a massive deal breaker... I was wondering how to make an innocent check before agreeing to meet?

If they live pretty close to you, and it's not a huge investment to get coffee, just do it. You can't know anyone from messaging. There are a ton of things that could turn you off that you can't see by messaging. He talks weird, smells bad, has nothing to say spontaneously, etc. You'll likely have to be willing to multi-date at least for first dates if you are talking with several guys at once.

 

Although I would say it's sounds a bit troubling when you say you'd fall for a guy who might be bad for you just from his charms or whatever. Good first dates are fun and the dopamine should be flowing, but you also need to keep your head on. If guys have that much of power over you, you have to wonder if you are ready to date in a healthy way. Just remember, almost everyone but the most socially inept hide their skeletons early on.

[JuneL]

I'm a bit torn how to proceed - from my front runners that I've been emailing with in the past 3 days, one insists on a meet tomorrow or in the weekend. Basically he pulled the line 'I have a lot more to say but lets talk over coffee'. That's pretty much what I wanted to avoid because it makes me think he plays the dating game of a burnout guy (i.e. wants to verify before getting invested, if 3 emails are sooooo much of an investment....). On the other side - one coffee date will not kill me so I may give it a shot.

 

I'm more interested in another one... I mean I'm very drawn to the personality that he presents. However - he mentioned unwinding with wine a couple of times in his profile. I'm certainly not willing to date a drinker (I had an awful experience dating an alcoholic). Am I reading too much in the wording? I'm pretty sure if I meet this one I'll fall for him, so I'd prefer not to meet him if there is a massive deal breaker... I was wondering how to make an innocent check before agreeing to meet?

 

I'm with the first guy. What's the harm in spending an hour and chatting over coffee? I think even most women wouldn't tolerate waiting too long without any hint of meeting up soon.

 

I think the bolded is the crux of your "problem": you mentioned that you had this tendency of forming a serious relationship with the first guy you met in person in the past. In this case, you really should be dating multiple guys during the early stage before exclusivity, just so that you won't be fixated on one particular person.

[knabe]

You seem to have basically no tolerance for anyone on OLD who doesn't do it exactly the way you want it from the get-go. And to be upset because people responded to a profile that they had no way of knowing was unfinished?

 

Could your attitude be part of the reason you aren't having any luck? Not being snarky, just asking.

[JuneL]

I'm with the first guy. What's the harm in spending an hour and chatting over coffee? I think even most women wouldn't tolerate waiting too long without any hint of meeting up soon.

 

I think the bolded is the crux of your "problem": you mentioned that you had this tendency of forming a serious relationship with the first guy you met in person in the past. In this case, you really should be dating multiple guys during the early stage before exclusivity, just so that you won't be fixated on one particular person.

 

My apologies for using such a strong word ("problem"). But you kept mentioning you have met a "con man" boyfriend online who conned you into spending thousands of dollars on him.

[SevenCity]

I'm a bit torn how to proceed - from my front runners that I've been emailing with in the past 3 days, one insists on a meet tomorrow or in the weekend. Basically he pulled the line 'I have a lot more to say but lets talk over coffee'. That's pretty much what I wanted to avoid because it makes me think he plays the dating game of a burnout guy (i.e. wants to verify before getting invested, if 3 emails are sooooo much of an investment....). On the other side - one coffee date will not kill me so I may give it a shot.

 

I'm more interested in another one... I mean I'm very drawn to the personality that he presents. However - he mentioned unwinding with wine a couple of times in his profile. I'm certainly not willing to date a drinker (I had an awful experience dating an alcoholic). Am I reading too much in the wording? I'm pretty sure if I meet this one I'll fall for him, so I'd prefer not to meet him if there is a massive deal breaker... I was wondering how to make an innocent check before agreeing to meet?

 

How can you be pretty sure you'd fall for him after exchanging a few messages?

 

In person is the only way you'll know if you have attraction. I've been turned off by women due to mannerisms, nervous habits, or eating styles. Something you can't see online.

 

Don't chastise guys for wanting to meet. We don't like to waste time and after a few messages that's usually what it ends up being on OLD if you don't meet.

[No_Go]

Yes, I can be fairly sure. I am attracted to the flow of thoughts, general outlook, key points of overlap with my own interests.

 

I more or less expect nervousness and all the related annoyances on a first meet (especially some forced coffee/restaurant meet), so it is a no issue for me.

 

I feel like is more of a waste of time to go on a date with someone than to screen them out with messages but that's just my personal take. I can see where you come from though.

 

How can you be pretty sure you'd fall for him after exchanging a few messages?

 

In person is the only way you'll know if you have attraction. I've been turned off by women due to mannerisms, nervous habits, or eating styles. Something you can't see online.

 

Don't chastise guys for wanting to meet. We don't like to waste time and after a few messages that's usually what it ends up being on OLD if you don't meet.

[No_Go]

My apologies for using such a strong word ("problem"). But you kept mentioning you have met a "con man" boyfriend online who conned you into spending thousands of dollars on him.

 

June, 'problem' is the right word. I just happen to be people pleaser and can't say no to persistent guys...

 

The conman guy was a professional though. He managed to do the same with whole string of victims, included a gf of his that called me last year that she's starting a law suit.

 

My most recent ex was not a bad guy, just not the right match for me. That's my concern now - I'dd get again with someone who is ok but not a good fit for me.

[JuneL]

Yes, I can be fairly sure. I am attracted to the flow of thoughts, general outlook, key points of overlap with my own interests.

 

I more or less expect nervousness and all the related annoyances on a first meet (especially some forced coffee/restaurant meet), so it is a no issue for me.

 

I feel like is more of a waste of time to go on a date with someone than to screen them out with messages but that's just my personal take. I can see where you come from though.

 

If you don't mind my asking: Did that con man of your former boyfriend also had "the flow of thoughts, general outlook, key points of overlap with [your] own interests"? In a more extreme case, your method may attract sociopaths — who can be very charming in writing.

[No_Go]

The core is I am just very bad at rejecting people... So I prefer to minimize the situations where I have to do it.

 

I have a huge hangup against multidating as well. Say if I met a guy during the week I'm really feeling uneasy meeting one in the weekend unless I 100% rejected the first one or he 100% rejected me.

 

I'm with the first guy. What's the harm in spending an hour and chatting over coffee? I think even most women wouldn't tolerate waiting too long without any hint of meeting up soon.

 

I think the bolded is the crux of your "problem": you mentioned that you had this tendency of forming a serious relationship with the first guy you met in person in the past. In this case, you really should be dating multiple guys during the early stage before exclusivity, just so that you won't be fixated on one particular person.

[Cookiesandough]

June, 'problem' is the right word. I just happen to be people pleaser and can't say no to persistent guys...

 

Oh no, the persistent ones (in the beginning particularly) are the ones you really need to watch out for.

[No_Go]

It is because I want to avoid the need to reject guys. I prefer to more carefully pre-select them before meeting.

 

I'm not rigid on most criteria.

 

I'm also having a lot of 'luck' in meeting men in OLD, my problem is the reverse - I usually rush too fast into serious relationship, skipping the 'courting'/'dating' phase.

 

You seem to have basically no tolerance for anyone on OLD who doesn't do it exactly the way you want it from the get-go. And to be upset because people responded to a profile that they had no way of knowing was unfinished?

 

Could your attitude be part of the reason you aren't having any luck? Not being snarky, just asking.

[No_Go]

In what sense? Avoid or look for?

 

Oh no, the persistent ones (in the beginning particularly) are the ones you really need to watch out for.

[No_Go]

If you don't mind my asking: Did that con man of your former boyfriend also had "the flow of thoughts, general outlook, key points of overlap with [your] own interests"? In a more extreme case, your method may attract sociopaths — who can be very charming in writing.

 

He wasn't the greatest in writing but he was mimicking my interests / attitude for sure. I guess that was his game plan... I was being very dumb with him - he actually TOLD me he likes to 'social engineer' people to get what he wants from them and instead of running away I kept seeing him....

[Cookiesandough]

Can any women in here relate :

 

 

Only a few guys really "catch their eye" and even fewer spark enough interest to talk to?

 

 

Please tell me I'm not alone and most women do not find most guys on there cute?

 

 

And btw, I mean the really, really persistent ones often are creepers or love bombers. I'm on okcupid

[JuneL]

 

The conman guy was a professional though. He managed to do the same with whole string of victims, included a gf of his that called me last year that she's starting a law suit.

 

 

Understand. But these professional guys also pick easy victims to con. You don't want to come across as one.

[No_Go]

I personally can never get attracted to a picture. At all. I don't even look at the pictures, maybe only the profile picture and the stats - usually the basic parameters give me an idea if the attraction can happen but just to get attracted to picture - no way.

 

Can any women in here relate :

 

 

Only a few guys really "catch their eye" and even fewer spark enough interest to talk to?

 

 

Please tell me I'm not alone and most women do not find most guys on there cute?

 

 

And btw, I mean the really, really persistent ones often are creepers or love bombers. I'm on okcupid

[No_Go]

Understand. But these professional guys also pick easy victims to con. You don't want to come across as one.

 

I don't know how to avoid that - any advice?

[No_Go]

I agreed on a day on Sunday with guy 1. I like him a lot so far, although I'm not sure it is in a romantic way. Of course this may change after meeting.

 

Guy 2 though... I don't know what this is but we're messaging about work deadlines and research and other passion-killer topics and I'm still ramping up on my attraction to him. If it is so bad before meeting I'm just scared how it will be in person... Or maybe we shouldn't? I need to calm myself down somehow