OLD beginnings - selection process

[Gaeta]

Thank Cookies. I'm 32, to be 33 in few weeks. I'm also a biologist by background which means I've read waaaaay too many articles about genetic defects and infertility related to maternal age.

 

Put those books down. If you want to worry about every single thing written in books then stop drinking water, do not eat mean, do not eat anything growing in the ground and stop breathing air.

 

I know plenty of women who had their first child late 30s and they children are beautiful and smart. We are made to carry children up to the day we stop having our periods. There is no reasons to worry about fertility and having a child untill you are entering your 40s.

[No_Go]

No_go, No_go, No_go: Stop putting so many restrictions on who to meet. Just go with your gut feeling. If the man is stimulating you than who cares if he has a house or not or if he lives down the streets or across town.

 

Forget about the usefulness of those sites with matches. I remember using oKcupid and some man was my 95% match but when we met he was the most boring man ever!

 

You also don't need to date your image in the mirror. I would not want to date a man that's the masculine version of me. It nice to have someone that complement us and all of our short-comings.

 

Gaeta but I failed so miserably the last 2 attempts:

1) It nice to have someone that complement us and all of our short-comings - my long-term ex-bf was the opposite of me. Literally in any aspect. So I thought he'd be a good complimentary mate, however... I grew to resent his hobbies, friends, religion... Because it was all way too different from what I like/go for

2) go with your gut feeling _ I did this with the Einstein guy. Ignoring he said in his profile he's most comfortable being single and is not looking to change this status any time soon... Then you know the outcome.

 

So IDK what to do. I like what you suggest, but the above 2 examples make me hold back... Maybe I should just complete my POF profile to start with and stop complaining

[No_Go]

I know moms in their 40s as well, the thing is I'd hate it if I miss my opportunity because I was procrastinating on finding a man. I'm having a certain medical condition as well (my blood is prone to clotting) so pregnancy will be risky in any time, but very risky if I'm older.

 

Put those books down. If you want to worry about every single thing written in books then stop drinking water, do not eat mean, do not eat anything growing in the ground and stop breathing air.

 

I know plenty of women who had their first child late 30s and they children are beautiful and smart. We are made to carry children up to the day we stop having our periods. There is no reasons to worry about fertility and having a child untill you are entering your 40s.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta but I failed so miserably the last 2 attempts:

1) It nice to have someone that complement us and all of our short-comings - my long-term ex-bf was the opposite of me. Literally in any aspect. So I thought he'd be a good complimentary mate, however... I grew to resent his hobbies, friends, religion... Because it was all way too different from what I like/go for

You have to see these men as individuals. Your ex boyfriend didn't mesh well with you because of who he was as a person he just happened to have different hobbies, religion, friends. You could meet another man this different than you and he'd be kind, selfless, honest, generous, etc.

 

 

2) go with your gut feeling _ I did this with the Einstein guy. Ignoring he said in his profile he's most comfortable being single and is not looking to change this status any time soon... Then you know the outcome.

 

So IDK what to do. I like what you suggest, but the above 2 examples make me hold back... Maybe I should just complete my POF profile to start with and stop complaining

 

Well.....I think you have a hard time making a difference between 'gut feeling' and being 'hard headed'. Listenning to your gut feeling doesn't mean ignoring big flashing red flags , right? You're a scientist, scientist have to follow a method, they make a test, they observe, they take notes on the results and they reach a conclusion based on the results. With Einstein you changed your method left and right, you didn't take notes, and you reached conclusion based on what you wished.

 

Conclusion, conduct your dating as if it is a scientific experiment.

[No_Go]

Woah, great advice, thank you:) Taking notes: men -> individuals, dating -> scientific experiment -> method, observation, conclusion. I'd remember that for my next round. I missed this weekend already but my goal (motivating myself here) is to go to at least 1 date by the end of the next week. Let see if I'll make it happen.

 

 

You have to see these men as individuals. Your ex boyfriend didn't mesh well with you because of who he was as a person he just happened to have different hobbies, religion, friends. You could meet another man this different than you and he'd be kind, selfless, honest, generous, etc.

 

 

 

 

Well.....I think you have a hard time making a difference between 'gut feeling' and being 'hard headed'. Listenning to your gut feeling doesn't mean ignoring big flashing red flags , right? You're a scientist, scientist have to follow a method, they make a test, they observe, they take notes on the results and they reach a conclusion based on the results. With Einstein you changed your method left and right, you didn't take notes, and you reached conclusion based on what you wished.

 

Conclusion, conduct your dating as if it is a scientific experiment.

[Miss Spider]

I hope you don't mind if I hijack your thread here for a second, No_Go. I have a question for Gaeta!!!....Okay, when you are online dating and you are looking for a relationship...what do you say to the guy and when? Just "What are you looking for?" or "What are you dating goals?" and how do you segue into that . THANKS!!! (sorry NOGO)

[Gaeta]

I hope you don't mind if I hijack your thread here for a second, No_Go. I have a question for Gaeta!!!....Okay, when you are online dating and you are looking for a relationship...what do you say to the guy and when? Just "What are you looking for?" or "What are you dating goals?" and how do you segue into that . THANKS!!! (sorry NOGO)

 

 

I was very forward when I was online dating, I went on there with a goal in mind. Right from our first contact I would ask them what they were looking for. I don't know why people are afraid to ask that question right away, we're on a dating site for a purpose to lets just put it out there. If a man said he's looking for a friend, looking for casual dating, a fwb, anything other then looking for a long term relationship I'd say - good luck good bye...I live in a big city I could afford dumping men left and right lol

 

It seemed a total waste of time for me to go out for a coffee with a man that wanted nothing serious or wanted casual.

[Miss Spider]

Thank Cookies. I'm 32, to be 33 in few weeks. I'm also a biologist by background which means I've read waaaaay too many articles about genetic defects and infertility related to maternal age. I'm not in an extreme rush and will be ok with just one kid, but say if I'm not ready to at least start trying by 35 (so 2 years from now), I'd go ahead and freeze eggs or use a donor.But2 years is not that of a short timescale I think, so I wouldn't want to announce it to a guy that I'm just starting to date as an urgent matter.

 

Actually good idea to set a FB profile just for dating. I'd do that. OKCupid is a no go right now because my summer guy is still there and makes me anxious (to keep checking him up :lmao:). eHarmony: my long-term ex is there and I'm dreading to 'match' with him again. Maybe I should just explore blocking options...

 

IRL for me is very hard, because I'm kind of a loner, introvert, so I spend my time at work (I'm afraid to date coworkers... thinks has gone badly in the past, home/garden (by myself), hiking (usually by myself), city strolling (usually alone as well), meeting one-on-one with friends. I'm thinking to go to a Meetup, have you tried that? For me it will be a hiking/nature one so it should be benign.

 

Age range: I've dated much older guy (46 when I was 27) and it was a pain because he wanted to be dominant and thought he 'knows it all' because he's older. Younger guy I've never dated, I had a 29 year old bf when I was 29 myself and he would bitch all the time we're not going out, I'm sure that's not everyone but IME guys under 30 are rarely willing to settle. So I'm targeting 30s, ideally mid 30s...

 

Thank you, Gaeta! Great strategy. I'll use that if I need to. And thanks, No_Go. Back to your topic!! Don't read that stuff!!! You're panicking way too early. A lot of that data is based on an outdated French study. Most healthy women are fertile into their 40s. Not saying that risks don't increase with age, but there are screens and it's not enough to feel you need to rush at 32!Yeah, but Gaeta already covered all that.

 

About younger men. DATE 'EM!!! Younger men who are into women older than them (not in the sexual way, though they probably make up a larger portion) are crazy about them. Hahaha. A lot of them are tired of the bar hopping 'girls' their age and want a mature 'woman'. So don't be afraid of the ones looking for commitment, even if the ones looking for 'fun' far outnumber them. Just look for the homebody, old soul types. Not like your ex. Having a target age is cool just don't be like "oh hell no" if a 28 year old messages you !!

 

 

I completely understand it being hard to meet people after college as an introvert. SO HARD. I have been to a meetup and I highly recommend. I've never been to a hiking/nature one, but I've only heard good things. Even if you don't meet your soulmate there, you'd still have a fantastic time. Give it some consideration!

 

No_Go! That guy is going to be on there forever, though! xD As for Tinder...it started as the hetero-response to the gay hookup app Grindr. It has come soooo far from that. You see many men put in their profiles "Not here for hookups. Looking for something lasting" and they can mean it, if you recall my recent experience. >.> I think Dis met her guy on there (don't quote me) There are a lot of men looking for hookups there, but they're not hard to spot like any other dating site.

 

 

I think the biggest con for you is that you like an extensive profile. Unfortunately, I think it only gives you 300 characters to work from(kind of superficial). So you may have to do more chatting to prescreen. Bumble...I've never used, but it's similar except women have to reach out to men first. It might be more comfortable for you to begin with. FB doesn't give out any of your other information(so having no friends is ok lol). Only need a first name and age. Putting in anything else like your alma mater or place of work is optional.

 

Okay that's all I got so far!

[No_Go]

Love your advice, Cookies [reading your advice to me and others it is near mind boggling that you experience dating difficulties - you seem to be very level minded and rational]. Since the dating sites seem all to show initial 'peak' right after registration, I'd try them all 2-3 weeks at a time, and if nothing interesting comes up - switch. Starting with POF since I've already filled the questionnaire. Meetup - in the interim, to expand options and practice new hobbies. And I thought of another method - like once or twice a month I go on professional networking events. I've got hit on guys there in the past but thought it is tacky and passed. But maybe I should keep my eyes open...

 

That guy is going to be on there forever, though! xD - I'm laughing on that but seems like it. He has answered like 1000 questions on OKC (near every single one with at least few sentences explanation, not just the multiple choice) and I see he keeps going I'm staring to reconsider looking for people with extensive profiles only, because these seem to be 'resident' OLDers that never leave.

 

Talking about resident OLDers - I got 'likes' from few guys that I went on dates somewhere back in 2013-2014. I was shocked they're still on the same sites, nothing has changed years down the line......

[Highndry]

It's not just the guys who don't pay attention to the text of the profile, women are guilty as well. During my one very brief foray into that world I was bombarded with messages from women who were extremely obese, etc., when I clearly stated that I exercise regularly and eat healthy, don't drink or smoke, and was looking for the same. It was rather off-putting.

[Dis]

Sadly my huge crush from this summer has not resulted in a relationship, which means I need to get back to the drawing board. I gave it good 2 months to recover so I think I'm not rushing things.

 

I know better what I want now, I think. I'm not looking for insta-relationship with marriage/babies prospect (although I'd like to have children but more about that - below). I want someone who I respect and inspires me, because otherwise I get really resentful and bitchy. Being similarly quirky would be best, and I just need someone who is nerdy, introspective, and enjoys more substantial conversations.

 

I'm also ok with compartmentalizing: in my age I absolutely do NOT need prince Charming meeting all my needs in the same time (that's why I have a social circle). As long as the guy is intellectually stimulating and fits my life plan - we'd work together.

 

Difficulties: I'd like to have children fairly soon, which is really a huge barrier for waiting or getting into a relationship with a noncommittal guy. I'm thinking I can work around that with a right person (e.g I have my own kids from a donor instead of involving him) but this maybe difficult to implement. Also: I'm very set in my home life so I'm ideally looking for someone that does NOT own a house or has preferences where to live. This kind of brings me to young/unsettle guys, but I also don't want a mooch... Difficult to find as well. Third: I'm dead set NOT to get together with a 'fun-loving' going out type. At my stage of life, I just can't stand this behavior... I need an introvert probably, but the experience from the summer showed me that for two introverts breaking the physical barrier can be insanely hard.

 

Does my case sound hopeless? I feel like I'm trapped by the circumstances.

 

Also, I'm still a bit upset from the summer fail start... So I'm willing to do very extensive pre-selection to avoid similar situations. But how? I can't find a site with very extensive questionnairre except OKC and eHarmony but I'm not logging there for logistic reasons. Match didn't work out for me so I cancelled my account. Bumble, Tinder etc I feel like are targeted towards FB users - I despise social media and haven't updated my profiles/pictures from good 5-10 years... and don't plan to, rendering FB connected sites unusable. Is POF the only one left?

 

My girl is getting back out there! Yay!

 

Ok, so I know what you mean with needing xy and z from a guy. I do. But there is not one guy on the face of the planet who is going to check every. single. box.

 

Like, if you met an awesome guy who also owned a house, no biggie. You'd figure it out with him. It wouldnt be super convienant but for the right guy, you'd make it work!

 

And pleaseeeee do not go younger. You're an old soul. I dont think younger/unsettled would be a good idea for you.

 

I think you're making a little bit of a rash decision to opt out of okcupid because, for you, its a perfect site. I know Peter Pan is still on there and that sketches you out so..solution? Block him! He's not doing you any favors. In fact, he's hindering you moving forward so go ahead and block him. Nail in the coffin.

 

Back to selection processes, its all about weeding and being fairly open minded. You might meet a guy who has a house and isnt 100% your type but you two might end up falling deeply in love. If you end up being too selective, you might rule out guys that would actually work well for you... you just dont know it yet. Thats all part of the dating process...seeing if someone fits you. Give some guys a chance. Someone might end up surprising you!

 

Pof doesnt require fb. I met my bf there. I do agree with another poster that said there can be some trashy people on there but theres also people who are just trying every avenue they can to find a quality partner

 

I really think its time to block Petr Pan, everywhere. He's just holding you back, right?

[No_Go]

You're so right - I'm super rigid before meeting guys, and too lax after meeting them. The reason is I hate to reject people, so for me it has always been: if I agree on a date with someone, and he likes me, my evaluation of the guy stops there. Big mistake that costed me 2 years of *trying to make it work for people that just don't mesh together* - i mean my last ex.

 

Peter Pan & OKCupid... I'm the guilty one there... Because out of curiosity I peak at his profile when I log in and self-sabotage that way. I'd try to block him... Kind of not my style but I probably have to if I'd get back there.

 

I finalized my POF account today - it shows me like 200+ 'Meet Me' matches and ~40 messages that I haven't had the chance to read... Too overwhelming. How the heck to use this site most optimally? The traffic is very high seems like, I don't know where to start... It is awesome you met your guy there - gives me hopes that there are great relationship-minded men on POF:) Interface wise I'm still more of a OKCupid fan but I'm curious to see if I'll get a decent POF date (my goal for the coming week )

 

My girl is getting back out there! Yay!

 

Ok, so I know what you mean with needing xy and z from a guy. I do. But there is not one guy on the face of the planet who is going to check every. single. box.

 

Like, if you met an awesome guy who also owned a house, no biggie. You'd figure it out with him. It wouldnt be super convienant but for the right guy, you'd make it work!

 

And pleaseeeee do not go younger. You're an old soul. I dont think younger/unsettled would be a good idea for you.

 

I think you're making a little bit of a rash decision to opt out of okcupid because, for you, its a perfect site. I know Peter Pan is still on there and that sketches you out so..solution? Block him! He's not doing you any favors. In fact, he's hindering you moving forward so go ahead and block him. Nail in the coffin.

 

Back to selection processes, its all about weeding and being fairly open minded. You might meet a guy who has a house and isnt 100% your type but you two might end up falling deeply in love. If you end up being too selective, you might rule out guys that would actually work well for you... you just dont know it yet. Thats all part of the dating process...seeing if someone fits you. Give some guys a chance. Someone might end up surprising you!

 

Pof doesnt require fb. I met my bf there. I do agree with another poster that said there can be some trashy people on there but theres also people who are just trying every avenue they can to find a quality partner

 

I really think its time to block Petr Pan, everywhere. He's just holding you back, right?

[Miss Spider]

My girl is getting back out there! Yay!

 

 

 

Pof doesnt require fb. I met my bf there.

 

Sorry, dis for thinking you guys met on Tinder I'm actually glad it was POF rather. It's a great site full of....um...yea..interesting folk at least in the US...But it's the busiest one and full of relationship-minded peoples

[Dis]

You're so right - I'm super rigid before meeting guys, and too lax after meeting them. The reason is I hate to reject people, so for me it has always been: if I agree on a date with someone, and he likes me, my evaluation of the guy stops there. Big mistake that costed me 2 years of *trying to make it work for people that just don't mesh together* - i mean my last ex.

 

Peter Pan & OKCupid... I'm the guilty one there... Because out of curiosity I peak at his profile when I log in and self-sabotage that way. I'd try to block him... Kind of not my style but I probably have to if I'd get back there.

 

I finalized my POF account today - it shows me like 200+ 'Meet Me' matches and ~40 messages that I haven't had the chance to read... Too overwhelming. How the heck to use this site most optimally? The traffic is very high seems like, I don't know where to start... It is awesome you met your guy there - gives me hopes that there are great relationship-minded men on POF:) Interface wise I'm still more of a OKCupid fan but I'm curious to see if I'll get a decent POF date (my goal for the coming week )

 

Oh ya, pof is super fast paced and requires a lot of weeding.

 

If you remember, when my guy first messaged me, I wasnt too keen. He didnt write much, we agreed to meet at X on Xday but didnt specify a time. He also didnt write much in his profile about what he wanted. So in my mind, I wasnt too enthused.

 

Then, I met him and discovered who he was, what he wanted, what he thought about, what he was looking for...then, everything clicked. He set up another date right away and its been smooth, glorious sailing since.

 

So what would be a good idea to keep in mind, the guy you talk to online, is NOT an accurate representation of who he is and how he will carry himself while he's dating you. Peter Pan sounded great over text, right? But did he follow through and give you what you needed? Nope.

 

Thats why you just need to give some of these guys a chance. As long as he seems ok, meet him in person and THEN you can decide if he's worth seeing again.

 

I think with your love of writing with the person you're dating, you forget that writing is just writing. Its not actions. You could click like crazy with a guy over text but if they dont do the work to progress things, their pretty words mean nothing.

[No_Go]

I think with your love of writing with the person you're dating, you forget that writing is just writing. Its not actions. You could click like crazy with a guy over text but if they dont do the work to progress things, their pretty words mean nothing.

 

It is interesting you mention this: the personality test of POF classified me as low on wanting actions, and high on wanting time (communication) from a date. Maybe that's where the bias is from.

 

Did you initiate messages with guys or responded to guys that messaged first?

 

Oh ya, pof is super fast paced and requires a lot of weeding.

 

If you remember, when my guy first messaged me, I wasnt too keen. He didnt write much, we agreed to meet at X on Xday but didnt specify a time. He also didnt write much in his profile about what he wanted. So in my mind, I wasnt too enthused.

 

Then, I met him and discovered who he was, what he wanted, what he thought about, what he was looking for...then, everything clicked. He set up another date right away and its been smooth, glorious sailing since.

 

So what would be a good idea to keep in mind, the guy you talk to online, is NOT an accurate representation of who he is and how he will carry himself while he's dating you. Peter Pan sounded great over text, right? But did he follow through and give you what you needed? Nope.

 

Thats why you just need to give some of these guys a chance. As long as he seems ok, meet him in person and THEN you can decide if he's worth seeing again.

 

I think with your love of writing with the person you're dating, you forget that writing is just writing. Its not actions. You could click like crazy with a guy over text but if they dont do the work to progress things, their pretty words mean nothing.

[Dis]

I think with your love of writing with the person you're dating, you forget that writing is just writing. Its not actions. You could click like crazy with a guy over text but if they dont do the work to progress things, their pretty words mean nothing.

 

It is interesting you mention this: the personality test of POF classified me as low on wanting actions, and high on wanting time (communication) from a date. Maybe that's where the bias is from.

 

Did you initiate messages with guys or responded to guys that messaged first?

 

I can see that

 

I responded to messages. I usually like the guy to take the lead.

 

But if I had seen a guy I was interested in, I wouldve messaged him

 

The squeeky wheel gets the grease

[JuneL]

My girl is getting back out there! Yay!

 

I think you're making a little bit of a rash decision to opt out of okcupid because, for you, its a perfect site. I know Peter Pan is still on there and that sketches you out so..solution? Block him! He's not doing you any favors. In fact, he's hindering you moving forward so go ahead and block him. Nail in the coffin.

 

[...]

 

I really think its time to block Petr Pan, everywhere. He's just holding you back, right?

 

Omg, so the postdoc guy is now officially called Peter Pan?

[JEG88]

When I was on OLD in the past, as a guy it took me a while to really adapt to it being a numbers game.

 

I had to get used to messaging a ton of women only to maybe get 1 or 2 responses. And that was with me carefully reading their profile and sending a related message.

 

But as has been said, as a guy the easy part for me is only messaging women who I feel attracted to (as best I can based on pictures) and who I feel would have good amount in common with me.

 

I always went into it with a long-term mindset wanting to meet after a few messages. I wasn't on OLD for pen pals, friends or hookups.

 

And now I'm with a great girl who I really see a future with.

[No_Go]

Omg, so the postdoc guy is now officially called Peter Pan?

 

We can name him so

[Miss Spider]

I don't know what POF is like across the pond, but over here it's the busiest site and full of really ratchet folk. That's basically the best term I can use to describe the common people of POF. It's interesting because you find these gems strewn about here, though. It's like a influx of terrible each time you're on, so you give up and leave for awhile and stop by one day when bored and you see one good one restoring your hope. Idk, I think only people who have used it know what I'm talking about. You also see a lot of people with pics of them holding up dead fish/

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am kind of feeling low on OLD but have been chatting to this guy on Bumble for a week or so. He is into swing dancing and they have a "social dancing" night tonight so he asked if I want to come. I will probably go after work, I like dancing so should be a good night anyway. It's close to home so I figure I could just leave if I am not having fun. I am more going for the event than for the guy