boyfriend being stubborn? or am I the one pushing?

[trueluV]

Hello,

 

My boyfriend and I come from a very different family background, and different nationality. My family is well-off and very strict, whereas his parents are divorced and he grew up with a working mom and after high school he left home and rarely had contact with his parents.

 

We survived a 5 year long distance relationship and finally decided to get married this year. However, my parents are expecting us to have a formal wedding ceremony, but his parents don't even care if he has any ceremony let alone him getting married.

 

I explained his background to my parents and they understood us not being able to have a big wedding, but at least they expect a small ceremony with family members having lunch together, and that's the least they could give in to their daughter getting married and moving to a different country. Yes, I am moving to his country to be with him.

His parents are not in the situation to go abroad, so my family suggested we could fly to my boyfriend's country and have a small ceremony there, but my boyfriend is firm about not having any ceremony at all and angry at me that my parents and I are expecting things while his parents and he doesn't need any ceremony and all he wants is to register the marriage with papers.

 

I think marriage is not just about two people wanting to be together but also two families being involved somehow, so I can accept my parent's suggestion for a small wedding ceremony. If his parent's wanted something also, i think i could accept it too.

However, my boyfriend doesn't think family members or parents should be involved at all for our wedding or marriage, and all he wants is me moving to his country and registering marriage papers.

 

He's being so firm and stubborn about this idea, and tells me he's exhausted dealing with this, so i'm really frustrated and lost. I don't think my parent's are asking for too much. I'm not even going to wear a dress or walk down the aisle or anything- just a formal lunch with family members as a ceremony and he doesn't even want that.

 

Sorry, I'm not good at writing.

Is he being stubborn, or are my parent's asking for too much?

I can't really think properly now.

 

If you have any thoughts or suggestions for this, please share with me!

Thanks in advance.

[somanymistakes]

Is it because marriage is not commonly ceremonial in his country, or because he really doesn't like his family and doesn't want to feel forced to involve them in his life?

 

If he doesn't want to do a thing with his family and his family doesn't want to do the thing either, it would be a big drag on him to force a bunch of people into a thing that NONE of them are excited about just because your family has different ideas.

 

Have you talked to his family at all yourself? Are you friendly with them? If his family generally wants nothing to do with you or him, is that going to crush your spirits in the long term?

 

Honestly if his family is completely disinterested and only your family wants any sort of ceremony, I would think it makes more sense to have a small celebration with YOUR family and shared friends. Your fiance ought to be willing to give in that much to make your side happy.

[stillafool]

Yes he is being stubborn about something that means so much to you. If your parents are footing the cost the least he could do is show up and enjoy. Since his parents don't want to be involved you should have the wedding of your choice here in the US with your family and friends and then move to his country.

[zanwalk]

I agree with stillafool, you are not asking much and he seems unwilling to give anything.

 

It would ring alarm bells for me over your future together. If you both have such different views and customs, how on earth are you going to feel later on when you have a disagreement over something? In another country, far away from your family and friends, are you going to be able to cope with that?

 

If you can, fair enough. Otherwise you had better call off this wedding now before you have big regrets.

 

Best wishes.

[Doorstopper]

Love involves compromise and I don't see that here.

 

When I married we had 2 wedding receptions. We were married in my wife's home state and had a second reception in my home state, where we were living. My dad was unable to travel and many of our friends could not afford to travel to the wedding.

 

So what if you file the papers and marry in his country and have a party, with or without his family, in your country. Call it a going away party and use the idea of potentially large cash gifts as a motivating factor. Ditch the idea of a ceremony in his country if he is totally against it.

 

Alternatively, you may wish to re-examine your relationship to be sure there are not other areas where compromise is not an option. It could just be a marriage/family dynamic issue, or it could be something bigger.

[ItStartsFromWithin]

So, he doesn't want his family involved, fair enough. But, what about a ceremony with just the two of you, and YOUR family? Seeing as this is important to you, he should readily agree to this request; if he truly loves you. But here's the thing; regarding JUST this situation you have already agreed fully with many things that he wants:

1. Moving to HIS Country

2. No formal wedding ceremony

3. No before or after reception/no celebration

4. No friends or family allowed.

5. No walking down the isle or exchange of vows

-- Nothing to mark this day as, what it is supposed to be; a beautiful day of committing to one another in LOVE, a day that you two become one, in front of God, a day in which you openly exchange vows of LOVE, to one another, in that, you share and declare to the world one another's LOVE.

From this point of view, of how he wants things, is akin to a business agreement & treating it as a burden rather than an exclamation of love. {IE: him getting angry, upset, & uptight, about you simply requesting that he allow your family to attend and take part in something that means a lot to you-and should mean alot to him, as well}. {{Just file some papers and off you go, let's get this thing done fast and move on quick, because its giving him stress & anxiety to think about it?!?!?!?!??!??!!}}. Like what?

 

So, what exactly, is he compromising for YOU? After decades of marriage one thing that I am sure of is that marriage is a two way street, compromise is an enormous, fundamental necessity, to any long lasting & enjoyable marriage. Its obvious that you are keeping up your end, but has he accommodated any of your wishes or requests, whatsoever?

 

If he knows how important it is for you to have YOUR family around for some type of reception, and he knows his family does not have to be involved; I do not see why he doesn't want to do this for you.

 

I know its not every girls dream to have a huge extravagant wedding, (albeit I've never met one, ? JK) but they at least would enjoy a small, quiet ceremony, and be Able to walk down the isle, in front of just a select group of friends and family. But he doesn't even want you to do that? [Just wants a shot-gun style marriage: go to courthouse & file papers, and not know you're married until the license arrives in the mail.]

 

Are you SURE, you are okay with all of this? He seems a bit self centered and won't budge, even an inch for any one thing that you would like.

 

Perhaps, try to speak to him one last time about what you would like regarding this situation. If he still doesn't budge, then I would think long & hard before going through with this marriage because if he isn't agreeing to ANYTHING you'd like, right now, regarding your wedding and how much it means to you, than that's a good indicator of what you'll be dealing with, throughout your marriage-him, him, him, nothing will be about you, it will be what he wants, when he wants, and exactly how he wants it. Think about it.

[trueluV]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful answers and suggestions, and concerns too. I really appreciate it.

 

Yes, I agree to what you all have said, and I do feel he is somehow treating this marriage like a 'business' as (ItStartsFromWithin) mentioned, something to get over with quickly with no burden.

 

As you all said, there might be something more I should think about than the surface of this - if he cannot compromise then I guess it will be like this even throughout the marriage. To be honest, I'm a little afraid to bring this subject up again because I can predict his response to this. Oh well, this is not just about the wedding ceremony anymore but more about if he can compromise and willing to do something for me, for what i think is important on this day.

 

I will try to speak to him one last time about this tonight or this week.

Wish me luck!

 

Thank you guys for such sincere replies

 

to (somanymistakes): yes, i met his parents separately and I never expected this issue... they were nice to me.

another thing- also when i asked about inviting a small number of his friends to the party/lunch/ ceremony- whatever you call it- he said in his culture he can't just invite a few friends, he has to either invite all of them or none..??! so in this case, he can't invite anyone. I told this to my parents, and my father thinks he has zero flexibility and also no social skills and is a bit concerned with me getting married to him.

[travelbug1996]

I would postpone the marriage. This is just a preview of the Coming Attraction! He is going to be like this all through the marriage and you will feel like you're being unreasonable when its him not willing to compromise. I wouldn't marry him anytime soon. I want someone who cares about what I want and desire.

[darkmoon]

"angry at me that my parents and I are expecting things while his parents and he doesn't need any ceremony and all he wants is to register the marriage with papers"

 

he prefers his parents to your parents, as ya do, flesh and blood, see

 

some men reject marriage altogether, so count yourself lucky, imho, specially if you were the first to bring up the subject

Edited August 1, 2017 by darkmoon

[Tribble]

His parents are not in the situation to go abroad, so my family suggested we could fly to my boyfriend's country and have a small ceremony there, but my boyfriend is firm about not having any ceremony at all and angry at me that my parents and I are expecting things while his parents and he doesn't need any ceremony and all he wants is to register the marriage with papers.

 

What do you want? This is a lot of what your parents want and what your boyfriend wants. The bit that concerns me is:

 

angry at me that my parents and I are expecting things

 

He's angry that you want something in your wedding that he doesn't want?? Depending on what YOU want (not your parents), it sounds like you are compromising. Your post sounds like you want the aisle and the dress and a ceremony of some kind. Which is completely understandable. Sounds like you are compromising, where is the give from him? It doesn't seem like he's giving anything away. It's his way or the high way. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, a team. If the mere talk of the wedding turns into you v. him, I don't see this going well....

[d0nnivain]

You two need to keep talking before you marry. There are too many serious points of contention here & there seems to be no compromise on his side.

 

You & yours want an elaborate wedding but are willing to compromise to a ceremony & lunch in his country. He just keeps say no. If he's not willing to give an inch on this, where else is he doing to take the "my way or the highway" attitude. To me it's like he's already saying you & marriage aren't' important why waste time & money on the ceremony. Seems like a lousy start.

 

He isn't the first & he won't be the last man who endured a bigger fussier wedding then he would have chosen himself.

 

Think long & hard before you make further sacrifices for a man who can't or won't compromise for you.

[preraph]

Let's sidestep for one moment and take a look at something. Has it occurred to you that your bf is too unyielding and uncompromising and stubborn to want to deal with the rest of your life? He doesn't give two cents what YOU want. He is all about me, me, me. I mean, why are you moving away from all your support to be with this guy who doesn't care what you want or respect your wishes and is clearly not going to be a good spouse to raise kids with because he won't do anything he doesn't want to do whether it needs to be done or not?