I'm about to get married.

[ElTan]

Recently I came to conclusion that i have to share my story to get your point of view.

I am about to get married in two months.

But there is a problem.

3 years ago me and my spouse went through gigantic crisis.

 

That was the time when she insisted on getting engaged. I wasn`t exactly sure about it.

I dated some really nice chick few times in 2 months (like once in 2 weeks). There was very high sexual tension between me and this girl. We kissed, but nothing more. In my mind – there is this line I wouldn`t break. I wanted to know – if I`m able to resist the temptation to do more (this girl was the hottest I`ve ever dated). I resisted and I after that I knew I would be able to resist any temptation and I`m ready to get married.

I have to mention that relationship with my girlfriend was already 3 years long and I am her first real boyfriend – she lost virginity with me and she is very delicate girl who needs big amount of tenderness.

In that time I had the feeling I need more time for myself – to meet with some friends. I felt that I had more space. To make it clear – I didn`t want the time because of any other girl.

 

I talked about it with her, and she said that her mother wants her to move to her cousin (she comes from religious family – her mother doesn`t approve sex before marriage). So she moved there, but we were seeing each other many times in a week.

In that time I was coming home exhausted and wanted to do some physical exercise and after that I wanted to spend some time with her, but the amount of tenderness lowered significantly.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend also met someone. To be concrete – she didn`t knew about my secret, but as she later said she felt something was wrong.

 

One day - I was in the club with my friends – she called me and I answered after 1 hour. She was extremely worried, so I took taxi and went home. When I got home she was lying in bed crying. I was a bit drunk and made her do sex with me. As it appeared later, she gave number to this guy, she met at her cousin`s that day.

I don`t remember exactly when but she told me someone wanted her number, but when I asked if she gave the number she denied.

In the time she was dating him she wouldn`t talk much to me. But when we got to bed she wanted to hug, but I was angry that she don`t want to talk so I didn`t want to hug her. We had no sex.

Week later before I went to work we argued and she cried. She was about to drive home (she is from small town 150 km away) so I rang her 15 minutes later when I was waiting on bus stop to make her less nervous.

We spoke next day on the phone. She said she is coming back on Sunday to go to her female friends from school to learn before exam and she will probably come home late in the night.

I didn`t see anything suspicious – I trusted her completely.

She rang me when getting on the bus.

I wasn`t expecting anything. She would always call me before going to sleep if I didn`t call her first.

We were a bit in argument so I didn`t call her till 12:00 PM. Then, I called twice (which I`ve never done before) and she didn`t answer.

I couldn`t sleep but I said to myself that I won`t call again.

I called in the morning, but still there was no answer,

Finally she called explaining that she saw my call late and didn’t want to wake me up and that she just got home. I was very nervous and asked if she loves me. She didn`t reply and said that we need to talk.

After work I literally ran by my own feet to see her. Then bam! She told me she needs a two weeks break in our relationship. I went into tears and started to beg her. She agreed that we are still together but we won`t talk for three days. I felt that distance between us. But on my way out I asked her if she loves me and she said yes, then I kissed her for goodbye. On my way out I noticed flowers.

 

Three days later when we met, she wasn`t speaking at all. I was very nervous, because I desperately didn`t want to lose her. I prepared romantic evening. She kept telling me she needs a break. I was very nervous. When I tried to hug her I and convince her to be with me she was getting away, crying and saying she wants a break. I couldn`t do anything. Finally she agreed that we are still together and I went with her to bus stop. When she was leaving she said that in the end everyone will do what they want to do.

 

Two days later I got message from her cousin (she was a female) that my GF is dating behind my back. I got furious. I went straight to her and asked what`s going on. She told me she was doing nothing wrong and that she was simply seeing someone without doing anything wrong. She was not like herself, hardly able to say anything. I asked if it`s the end – she nodded. I thanked for 3 years with her, went to drink myself to death. She was calling me – I didn`t answer, sent sms that she want`s to come to my place for some things (she wanted to talk I think), but I refused.

 

That night I had a dream in which she was ****ing the other guy. That destroyed me. I went berserk.

I texted her that if nothing really happened what should be still together. She replied that nothing happened. She was at school so I wanted to come for her. She told me earlier that her sister will get her from school. An hour before the end of her lectures she texted me she`s already at home and invited me.

I went there with flowers, but when I came she already had other flowers. As it appeared they were from the other guy who was waiting for her as she says for a whole day at the school, and drove her home (as I became aware later – the guy also feared that she will not see him so he desperately wanted to get her).

After that she went home (that home 150km away) and after a week decided to move back to me.

We talked and she guaranteed that I know about everything – that nothing happened etc.

I was very furious about the whole situation and told her that if she is my girlfriend we have to make sex. She accepted it and we had first sex in 3 weeks. After that I felt that she is more mine again, the distance between us fade away. She began calling me as she always would.

When she slept with I checked her billing history, and she was texting this guy a lot. A hell lot.

Again I got completely mad and crushed.

What brought my attention – when I got her phone she got furious and literally jump onto me and wrenched the phone back. I remember that I saw her like that for the first time.

After that I told her that she needs to end this with him and want to see it. She accepted but wouldn`t agree that I can see it.

I went with her to his house. He texted her on our way to buy some bread. I thought It was really weird. I waited for an hour for her to get back (this mother****er didn`t know that i`m waiting downstairs. She came back and looked like she was crying. As I said she is very delicate girl.

She said that “they parted”. It extremely weird to me. How could she part with him if she wasn`t with him? I know that friends can part but it was extremely suspicious. Whatismore, when I hugged her I felt perfume on her neck. She told me that he hugged her for 5 seconds when saying goodbye.

What brought my attention – when going there she was like always with me, but after she went back she a bit cold and angry.

I started asking her again and again because I had this gut feeling that something is not right.

I was totally crushed.

She even sweared by the child of her sister in front of altar in church that I know everything and that she didn`t do anything wrong.

But I still had doubts. She is really innocent looking girl. When she was telling me that she didn`t do anything it made me less nervous.

She even called this guy on the phone and asked if he kissed her and he denied (She called because I wanted to). I felt great relief at that moment.

 

Later I was still bothered.

I wanted to meet with him and her together. She was arranging it but suddenly I said ok let`s not meet.

 

Because I have some knowledge about computers I discovered that she has a secret email.

When I discovered it I was completely destroyed, tore into pieces, again.

It came out that even after telling goodbye this she was still messaging with him.

The truth came out. I discovered that she had a secret phone number.

 

I discovered that she told him that she will call him with me standing next to me. She even told him that after this phone I told her that “it looked reliably”.

 

I`ve read all the messages like a thousand times. There was no direct indication of sex. They were sending each other rather innocent messages with some songs. And they were talking about texts of those songs.

 

What really bothered me, she sent one song with erotic text, but in the message she wrote this song reminds her of someone else. The title of this song was “Nothing smells like you”. He replied quoting “Nothing smells like you” and saying that he agrees in 100%.

In other message she quoted text from another song called “secret” about holding neck and she wrote that is resembles her “some moments”.

WTF???

 

There were also messages about the meeting on which insisted and that didn`t happen.

I told her that when we all met I want to her to ask him “what do you think about our first kiss”.

I also wanted her to ask him about sex but she didn`t want to do it.

In the messages she was begging him for help “for the last time”.

She told him the question that she is about to ask and told him to say that he doesn`t know anything about it. She also wrote him to say that she didn`t allow anything between them.

 

As you expect after reading all this I lost my mind. I didn`t know anything. I was sleeping 4 hours a day. Waking up with the thought “she lies to you”, couldn`t stop thinking about it.

It is crazy but deep inside I felt that she didn`t have sex with him, because when I first asked her about it she was very calm and smiled to me saying no. I felt that it was truth. But I also didn’t` see anything suspicious when she said some lies to me.

What made me do investigating was the fact that when I once asked her how was the first kiss with him she clearly looked like she remembered something.

 

After few weeks of disaster I told her (I really loved her and love her now) that the only way is to go to a polygraph and she agreed without hesitation. I told her that she needs to tell me everything before going there. She told me that he kissed her once, she was very surprised and didn`t return kiss, got away and felt she wanted to puke. He massaged her neck once and kissed her in the neck once and touched her leg for a moment.

She told me that she was meeting him because saw nothing wrong with that and she liked him, and that she knew he wouldn`t do anything because he was a pussy and was literarily shaking before her. She liked how much the guy was after her and she was curious because no one ever was so trying so hard to get her and it was fun for her to treat him like puppet. She said that she knows that it was cruel but she told him not to expect anything but he still wouldn`t let go so it was fun for her. She was alleviating her ego, because he was doing everything she wanted him to do (I wasn`t). He also told her that he loves her after a week which she found very funny and weird for her.

 

The polygraph questions were:

did you have any sexual relations with other man than [me] in past 3 years,

did you kissed more than one time with any other man than [me] in past 3 years,

did you have petting with any other man than [me] in past 3 years,

did you have any contact with [this guy] after [certain date].

 

The result was: innocent for the first 3 questions, and inconclusive for the last one, but it was my fault because she didn`t remember specific date on which she had last time texted him and told it during the examination.

 

It may sound crazy but after that we engaged. She is the most delicate girl I`ve ever known. When we started dating she was so shy, she hid after me when meeting my friends for the first time. Once we were at the party where one of the girls cheated on her boyfriend and when my girlfriend saw that she cried (this was before this whole **** story).

I know she is a good person and really love her so I thought to myself that everyone makes mistakes and if nothing physical happened I can get over it, so I proposed and she was very happy, cried and went speechless. I know she loves me.

 

Despite the polygraph, I still have doubts. There were good times and bad times. She has answered my questions for a long time. Every day I think about it really often. She was exhausted that she ended in hospital with serious headache. Fortunately it was only headache, she`s healthy.

 

Recently we went to pre marriage meetings and when speaking to the priest I began to feel extreme doubts, that are paralyzing me – it`s one of the most important decisions in life. I`m not sure If I can trust her, and since this is the most important thing in marriage I feel that I might not be able to do this.

 

On one side – polygraph showed me she was faithful sexually. I wonder how many girls in similar situations would stay loyal sexually – I think very few. On the other side I can`t forget all the bull****. What concerns me the most – why before spending the night at his place she wanted to hug, and after argument with me she went to him, spent the night and then wanted the break and wouldn`t let me hug her, and only after having sex with me after 2 weeks break, she started acting normally, and distance between us started to disappear. It is really dissolving me from the inside.

 

She completely destroyed trust that I had in her in that time – for three times. I couldn`t end it. It was way beyond everything I could imagine, everything I knew was that I can`t let her go. I`m a person for whom trusting someone is rather hard. Last three years there were times when had peace in my mind. But most of the time i`m wondering what if something happened and she managed to hide it. Every time I think I see any signs of dishonesty I feel very bad pain. I can`t do anything about it.

 

I really love her, I think I can`t live without her, she is probably the love of my life, but I don`t know if there is any point in getting married, because it can cause a disaster in the future. I wanted to postpone the marriage but she said if not now then never (we are about to get married in 2 months).

 

What do you think about it? What you think happened there? Is it worth trying? I must say that I would never want to be with girl who had any sexual relation behind my back.

[GorillaTheater]

Well, that was a lot to slog through. Bottom line is that you're likely in for a lifetime of drama if you follow through with the marriage. It doesn't sound like the good that she brings to your life outweighs the bad.

 

 

That said, what the hell does this mean?

 

 

When I got home she was lying in bed crying. I was a bit drunk and made her do sex with me.

 

 

I'm hoping that this is nothing more than a language issue, because it sort of sounds like rape to me.

[stillafool]

It's funny to hear you go on about how delicate this girl is because from my experience they are the ones who have been quite promiscuous. As you can see she craved the attention this guy was bestowing upon her. He will not be the last guy to pursue her so hopefully this isn't how she will handle herself in the future.

 

You say you love her and can't live without her so you've pretty much made up your mind to marry her. If this is true you have to put further suspicions behind you and move on. What other choice do you have if you are determined to hold on to her?

[elaine567]

I'm hoping that this is nothing more than a language issue, because it sort of sounds like rape to me.

 

It did to me too.

[GunslingerRoland]

Rape, cheating, fighting, distrust, and a lot of co-dependency. This does not sound like the foundations a marriage should be based on. I think you need to expect more out of a relationship and learn to put more into a relationship.

[avvril3000]

it was funny when you said "do sex"

[avvril3000]

but in all seriousness...

 

this all sounds so complicated. why? ... why do you want that in your life?

 

anything that suggests betrayal, too much stress or trust issues, i leave instantly.