Why do some women seem to hate me?

[Marie36]

Some women just seem to dislike me and I can't figure out why. I am a little different admittedly, I have a little social anxiety (which I'm getting better at hiding as time goes on). I get told (often by men) that I'm funny and I do have a good group of female friends, so I'm no t one of those women who has no friends at all. But I struggle to make new friends and some women seem to instantly dislike me-they can be downright aggressive!

 

My husband always tells me it's because they are jealous of me and I do get told (by men) that I am 'beautiful' every now and then. I take this with a pinch of salt. I think I am an acquired taste, I am busty and blonde but v pale and I blush RIDICULOUSLY EASILY! I think it makes me look pathetic. I don't think I'm soooo beautiful that it would warrant other women to hate me. I'm not evenly remotely flirtatious btw, the social anxiety rules that right out!

 

I work in a v male dominated environment and find that I do get on with men very well. I have worked in an office dominated by women before and it was awful - seriously catty and I was not popular!

 

I don't have to deal with cattiness so much now, but of the women I do work with I find that they don't warm to me much. There is one in particular, she is very loud and 'bubbly'. Whenever she comes into the office she seems to gush over all the other women (hugging etc) but I think I make her really uncomfortable. When I first start working there we went out for lunch one day, I feel s little like she was trying to vet me and I failed miserably! I always try and compliment her when I see her (of course I never get one back). One time I made a comment about her new hairstyle being nice and reached out subconsciously to brush the end of it and she seemed to shrug me off, like the idea of me touching her (however lightly) was disgusting. I have noticed on Facebook that she is friends, and goes out for drinks with, a couple of other women in my company who are widely believed (I have it on good authority from my male coworkers) to be fit, so feel like the whole 'jealous because you're beautiful' argument might b a bit far fetched in my case!

 

There is one woman at work who is very loud and known to have offered her - ahem - services to a married man in the toilets of a pub when she was drunk. I would NEVER in a million years do something like that, but she is loads more popular than me. Does being moral, kind and funny count for nothing???

[preraph]

Just a stab in the dark, but do you dress inappropriately at work? Do you show boob crease, for example, or wear real tight clothes? Why I bring it up is because women are not usually standoffish for zero reason IF you're in their same approximate age range, and the fact the men all like you there, well, men rarely mind if a woman is showing skin or boob at work, so that's just all I could think of. Men like it, and women think it's tacky, which at work, it IS tacky. And if you do that, they will make assumptions and gossip about why the men all like you, you know.

 

Other than that, it would be if you are sucking up to the men and kind of stepping on the women or trying to get up the ladder on their backs by taking advantage of men finding you attractive. And yes, blond and big boobed is pretty much what guys find attractive.

 

Otherwise, maybe it's a personality flaw and the guys mostly care how you look but the ladies care what your personality is like. Just taking wild guesses here, so only worry about it if the shoe fits.

[RecentChange]

Is this the same office that you posted about your boss flirtin' with you and making it clear he wanted to sleep with you?

 

Maybe they noticed, or maybe word gets around (like you knowing some serious dirt on your coworker).

[Marie36]

Hi, no I don't dress provocatively. I dress appropriately for work. Defo don't have the boobs out, it's mortifying on the odd occasion when I do find men glancing there! The hair isn't dyed either btw - im not some bleach blonde bimbo.

 

I'm pretty passive, defo not one to suck up or step on people!

 

Sometimes people tell me I'm 'posh', so I don't know if I come off as houghty or something. I actually come from a pretty rough background and it annoys me when people make assumptions about me. If they'd seen me 20 years ago 'posh' is not the word they'd use!! Of course I can't really explain that to them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would guess your social anxiety and shyness, coupled with your beauty, comes off as snobby, when you are actually very far from that.

[amaysngrace]

Is this the same office that you posted about your boss flirtin' with you and making it clear he wanted to sleep with you?

 

Maybe they noticed, or maybe word gets around (like you knowing some serious dirt on your coworker).

 

Maybe this is exactly it. Or maybe they know they're being judged for things they've done, or maybe it's the phony compliments she gives while thinking she's no suck up.

 

Who knows?

[preraph]

Hi, no I don't dress provocatively. I dress appropriately for work. Defo don't have the boobs out, it's mortifying on the odd occasion when I do find men glancing there! The hair isn't dyed either btw - im not some bleach blonde bimbo.

 

I'm pretty passive, defo not one to suck up or step on people!

 

Sometimes people tell me I'm 'posh', so I don't know if I come off as houghty or something. I actually come from a pretty rough background and it annoys me when people make assumptions about me. If they'd seen me 20 years ago 'posh' is not the word they'd use!! Of course I can't really explain that to them.

 

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with grooming yourself to be more posh or whatever, but maybe some of them see through it and view you as fake. I think self-improvement is fine, but not everyone likes posh.

[LurkerXX]

I have a friend who is rather beautiful, very willowy, who is naturally reserved; people often mistake her for a snob, which is not the case.

 

I have a baby face, and am very short and somewhat clumsy...which is sometimes mistaken for naivete attracts a certain unwanted type of attention from time-to-time at work; it has taught me that I needed to be more assertive.

 

People, myself and you included, are always naturally taking a 'temperature' on people's moods; it is a very basic part of being a social animal. Sometimes nervous or awkward vibes can carry and make other people uncomfortable, feeling some sort of uncertainty without really knowing if it is just anxiety, dislike, or something else. But most people tend to fill in the blanks based on their own frame of mind, experience, bias, ect.

[girlinNYC]

Some women just seem to dislike me and I can't figure out why. I am a little different admittedly, I have a little social anxiety (which I'm getting better at hiding as time goes on). I get told (often by men) that I'm funny and I do have a good group of female friends, so I'm no t one of those women who has no friends at all. But I struggle to make new friends and some women seem to instantly dislike me-they can be downright aggressive!

 

My husband always tells me it's because they are jealous of me and I do get told (by men) that I am 'beautiful' every now and then. I take this with a pinch of salt. I think I am an acquired taste, I am busty and blonde but v pale and I blush RIDICULOUSLY EASILY! I think it makes me look pathetic. I don't think I'm soooo beautiful that it would warrant other women to hate me. I'm not evenly remotely flirtatious btw, the social anxiety rules that right out!

 

I work in a v male dominated environment and find that I do get on with men very well. I have worked in an office dominated by women before and it was awful - seriously catty and I was not popular!

 

I don't have to deal with cattiness so much now, but of the women I do work with I find that they don't warm to me much. There is one in particular, she is very loud and 'bubbly'. Whenever she comes into the office she seems to gush over all the other women (hugging etc) but I think I make her really uncomfortable. When I first start working there we went out for lunch one day, I feel s little like she was trying to vet me and I failed miserably! I always try and compliment her when I see her (of course I never get one back). One time I made a comment about her new hairstyle being nice and reached out subconsciously to brush the end of it and she seemed to shrug me off, like the idea of me touching her (however lightly) was disgusting. I have noticed on Facebook that she is friends, and goes out for drinks with, a couple of other women in my company who are widely believed (I have it on good authority from my male coworkers) to be fit, so feel like the whole 'jealous because you're beautiful' argument might b a bit far fetched in my case!

 

There is one woman at work who is very loud and known to have offered her - ahem - services to a married man in the toilets of a pub when she was drunk. I would NEVER in a million years do something like that, but she is loads more popular than me. Does being moral, kind and funny count for nothing???

 

As someone who has experienced catty behaviour from females, it has largely been because they have viewed me as a snob, even though like yourself i am quite reserved. Dressing well on top of that gives off a 'posh' vibe.

Maybe it's the same in your case? They see you as a snob? I wouldn't sweat it, especially if you have a group of female friends who love you just as you are.

Narrow mindedness, jealousy and insecurity on their part is what is reflected in catty behaviour, especially if you've done nothing wrong to them.

i have never had issues like this with educated, classy women - so I think you can bank on it simply being insecurity on their part.

Just because you don't see yourself as super beautiful, doesn't mean you aren't to others.

[preraph]

The flip side of that is if you're really just reserved but you come off like a snob, you aren't expressing yourself very well either. First impressions are often lasting impressions. So I'd advise if you're nice but reserved, you make the effort to be more friendly and smiley and approachable. It's one of those things where if the whole world is reacting, then it's not the whole world, it's you. But this is easy to fix. I was always ominous looking and I played on that. I learned to smile and be approachable later in life after looking tough and edgy wasn't going to work anymore in the general population.

[truthtripper]

I find a lot of women don't like me either and it's always an instant dislike, like there and then they've decided to hate me. They are always the domineering type. Sometimes I haven't even spoken and they treat me with disdain, so obviously physical appearance is a factor in my case. Like you, I get told that I'm attractive too, I don't know, perhaps that's what it is??? Jealousy??? I think anxiety/lack of confidence is a necessary factor, as we are less likely to fight back, we are easy targets, so they bully us because they can. Maybe it's a combination of looks and anxiety.

[Bastile]

I often wonder the same thing!

 

No, actually I don't. And that would also be my advice to you: just don't care.

 

I had a job 2 years back where I was working in a group of a dozen women, almost all under the age of 25, and it was the hardest job I've ever had from the perspective of dealing with people. I later went on to become the manager, so I had to manage the zoo lol.

 

With women, there is a whole world of intrigue going on under my nose. Generally I prefer to keep it there. Don't get dragged in.

 

One thing that I found is they fall out and become best friends forever again within a week or two. If you get involved and take sides, then you get made an idiot out of.

 

It really is best to keep above the fray. And view it all with a slight sense of comedy.

[Grumpybutfun]

There is a strange dichotomy people face when they really want to be liked. Do they be themselves and please themselves but alienate others or do they be as they think others want and please others only to find some will find them shallow and dull?

I'm myself every single day even though many think I'm an ass. I live with it though because being liked by others is never as important to me as being authentically me.

Good luck,

G

[elaine567]

I think some socially anxious/awkward people can be bad at assessing body language and sometimes in an attempt to appear friendly can come across as being condescending or over-familiar, and seen as crossing acceptable boundaries.

 

The hair compliment with the attempt to touch I guess was seen as being over familiar and was not thus appreciated. YOU entered her personal space and as she did not view you as that close a friend she didn't like it one bit.

Had you assessed her body language correctly I guess you would never have attempted to touch her.

 

Also you say you are funny, but humour can be a difficult one and whilst your friends may find you hilarious, sometimes humour can sound very bad to people who do not know you and who may not see the joke.

[preraph]

When it matters is in the workplace, not so much in the dating world, though you can get a reputation there too. If women distrust you for whatever reason in the workplace, that can really be trouble.

[darkmoon]

they are jealous of you, do not feel hurt though, or think they care about your blushing, they see sought-after natural attributes

 

the men are not hating on you, are they, just these women...

[takeoff]

Women never like me right away either. I am a total girls girl though and once they get to know me they love me. I have even asked some girlfriends what they thought when they first met me, and most of them said they thought I was a little stuck up and bitchy. But once you get to know me, I am really down to earth.

[anduina]

Women trend towards conformity. If you fall outside their parameters of normalcy, you'll likely be ostracized.

[Steve51]

Who knows? Try asking one. My wife does not know why women have always been attracted to her and knew she was bisexual long before she did. Why were all three of my relationships and loves, all bisexual? Why did girls want to have sex with me, but not date me? Why did I propose to my wife of 45 years just 3 weeks after we met? We still do not know why two people who did not share the same interests did that.

 

My wife has a theory about why I only had bisexual girlfriends that I did not know were bi until much later. She says that after sex with me, they were done with men. You can't please everyone, so ignore the ones who dislike you and enjoy those who do.

[Deidre]

Sometimes you can be genuinely nice to people, and they simply will never like you back. It can be hard to go through that, it happens to me and probably everyone at some point. So, just be kind...but if they continue to shun you, or show that they dislike you, I'd just move on and find people who do like you and appreciate your presence.

[IndigoNight]

I used to get called The Warden when I was a manager, because I wasn't interested in making friends, and kept my work and personal life separate. I honestly didn't care if my coworkers liked me, because I was their boss not their friend. In my personal life, unless I respect someone, other's opinions matter very little to me.

 

At work I keep things civil. I am there to do my job, not increase my social circle. I have had employees ask me if I like them, and get offended when I tell them "Being likable isn't part of your job description. You are good at your job, and I like that." While that may seem cold, it is how I run my business because I refuse to be drawn into drama, period. No one can accuse me of playing favorites, or firing someone because I dislike them on a personal level. I keep it simple; work is work and my personal life is personal.

 

OP, you have to decide if being liked at work is really that important to you. Do you really want to be friends with people at work? Or, do you believe that their liking you equates to your being a likable person? Do you sincerely want to hang out with them? Or, are you just jealous that you aren't included in their social circle? Basically, why does it matter if your coworkers want to be your friend, or not?

[elaine567]

I honestly didn't care if my coworkers liked me, because I was their boss not their friend.

 

Basically, why does it matter if your coworkers want to be your friend, or not?

 

I get the distance you put between you as the boss and your work colleagues, but most do not have that position of seniority and so must make friends of those they work on a similar level with, else they may find that co-operation with colleagues may be nil and the work experience may be one of daily misery due to not "fitting in".

[IndigoNight]

I get the distance you put between you as the boss and your work colleagues, but most do not have that position of seniority and so must make friends of those they work on a similar level with, else they may find that co-operation with colleagues may be nil and the work experience may be one of daily misery due to not "fitting in".

 

Before I was a business owner, I was friendly with my coworkers, but did not pursue friendships with them outside of work. Sure, I had a few coworkers who snubbed me because I did not join in with their games or office gossip.

 

I liked leaving work at work, and not spending my days off listening to my coworker/friend complain, or becoming the latest topic of gossip at work. Been there, done that, and choose to not do it anymore. I learned that lesson, painfully, when I was still in high school.

[elaine567]

Before I was a business owner, I was friendly with my coworkers, but did not pursue friendships with them outside of work. Sure, I had a few coworkers who snubbed me because I did not join in with their games or office gossip.

 

I liked leaving work at work, and not spending my days off listening to my coworker/friend complain, or becoming the latest topic of gossip at work. Been there, done that, and choose to not do it anymore. I learned that lesson, painfully, when I was still in high school.

 

No-one is suggesting the OP make bosom buddies of her work colleagues and spend all her off duty time with them.

It is perfectly possible to be very friendly at work, and still maintain a distance when it comes to off duty time.