Open relationship started tonight... dealing with anxiety.

[okchubb]

My partner of six years and I decided recently that we're open to having an monagamish relationship. Tonight's his first evening away. I'm confident in our relationship but just always think about what ifs. What if he falls in love. What if he finds something better. I honestly think it's just my normal anxiety and first time jitters. Anyway, just thought I'd share, as I have with him, with others to see if anyone has pointers on dealing with the inevitable jealousy. I've read a lot and thought about it a lot and we've set up some pretty good boundaries. It's just the what ifs! I really should have planned something myself to keep my mind busy for a couple of hours... anyway.. what advice or questions does anyone have?

[springy]

Is this something you agreed to, to make him happy or did you really want to do this? Why aren't you out with someone yourself? Plan your extra relational date nights the same nights as his. Maybe that will help. Not something I could ever agree to personally but I'm sure there are some on board.

[somanymistakes]

You might want to visit the polyamory subreddit, I know we do have a few poly types around here but they're definitely in the minority.

 

I'm afraid I'm probably more curious than helpful lol

 

but yeah, treating yourself, watching a movie and having a nice bubble bath, enjoying a little bit of alonetime that might then be followed up by an excited partner who wants to talk and cuddle after

[RecentChange]

You know we have played with this idea in my relationship... But I fear I would feel like you, dwelling on the what ifs while he was out.

 

Personally, some alone time / bath time etc would be the last thing I would want to do because I would dwell!

 

I would be headed out to a cocktail bar and getting some innocent flirt on myself

[BaileyB]

Is something that you agreed to because you wanted this, or did you do it to please him?

 

I don't have any advice... I know that I could never do this.

[okchubb]

Is this something you agreed to, to make him happy or did you really want to do this? Why aren't you out with someone yourself? Plan your extra relational date nights the same nights as his. Maybe that will help. Not something I could ever agree to personally but I'm sure there are some on board.

 

I did it because I'm interested too. He's a very attractive man, thin and muscular, so finding someone is easier than me. He's a chub chaser and I'm a chub. But we both did it to enhance our relationship and honestly, the communication and sex since we talked has been great. It's more my own insecurities and I know that, but still doesn't help my already anxious and analytical mind. We have kids too, so we work this out amongst our busy schedules. Just so happens kids are gone tonight. Anyway, it's the first night, so I popped a xanax and am just reading and chilling out. Ha

[okchubb]

You might want to visit the polyamory subreddit, I know we do have a few poly types around here but they're definitely in the minority.

 

I'm afraid I'm probably more curious than helpful lol

 

but yeah, treating yourself, watching a movie and having a nice bubble bath, enjoying a little bit of alonetime that might then be followed up by an excited partner who wants to talk and cuddle after

 

Thanks for the Reddit idea. I've been there reading and it's helped.. along with the quiet time and xanax.. haha... I feel better already knowing lots of people have the same reaction and have navigated it successfully.

[RecentChange]

I am.going to be a Debbie Downer and say.... Do you really want to do something that you have to turn to drugs to handle?

 

Even if you are chubby, if you are cute usually guys would be lining up for some NSA.

 

Do you have any prospects lined up? Where do you envision this new venture in a month or even a year?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So when it is your turn?

[okchubb]

I am.going to be a Debbie Downer and say.... Do you really want to do something that you have to turn to drugs to handle?

 

Even if you are chubby, if you are cute usually guys would be lining up for some NSA.

 

Do you have any prospects lined up? Where do you envision this new venture in a month or even a year?

 

I take xanax for normal anxiety, so it's nothing new on that end.

 

I have some potentials lined up. We've decided to re-evaluate in a month and see if it's with continuing. And we each have veto power if either is uncomfortable.

[okchubb]

So when it is your turn?

 

We each get one night a week, never Fridays or weekends. So, mine is Thursday.

[QuietDan]

Read this thread... The posts.... This is giving me an anxiety attack just reading it, thinking about it, .... so many... Too many how it all drifted off course and went wrong stories over the years...

In all likely hood.... You both will eventually regret this one way or another...

[lucy_in_disguise]

Open relationships seem to work for some people, and I wish you the best with yours. For me personally, the risks would not be worth a little variety in the bedroom. It sounds like your plan is that you each get a day each week- that's two days a week that you won't get to spend time together as a family. For me, given how precious free time is, I'd pick a different hobby.

[central]

Did you read about different types of non-monogamy before choosing the open model? Some of the concerns and jealousy - not all - can be eased by swinging. You do that together, and it is usually easier to find partners. There are many web sites specifically for this, and nothing really for finding open relationships (aside from dating sites).

 

We've had a poly, swinging, and open relationship at various times over the past 18 years, and it has worked for us. Each has different issues and challenges - and benefits - but jealousy can occur in any of them. Some of the books on poly, and some sites such as polyamory (.com) have more info about dealing with it. Fear is the basis of jealousy.

 

Mostly, though, if you already have a great relationship, someone new will be an infatuation for a while, but won't be a lasting threat. Yes, either of you might find someone who is a better match overall - that is a risk. That could happen even if you weren't pursuing this.

[elaine567]

As you have kids, this was very risky on your part to agree to this.

Reading between the lines, I am sure you did it to stop losing him, but that may not be the outcome here.

You are risking your children's security and stability.

I am not convinced you are totally on board.

Your over anxious and analytical mind will not be helped one iota by opening up your marriage...

 

But we both did it to enhance our relationship and honestly, the communication and sex since we talked has been great.

I am sure it was, but once the open relationship gets going and his attention is elsewhere, do you really think he is going to be more and more communicative with you.

YOU got his attention as he wanted to get some "extra", now he has got your permission, he may not feel the need to keep you sweet any longer.

 

Open relationships can and do work, but both partners need to be fully on board and both need to be very secure in their marriage.

YOU are a bundle of insecurities, so how do you think that will pan out in reality?

[BaileyB]

Exactly Elaine.

This is a very risky thing to do. The stakes are high, because there are children in the home. There is absolutely no way that I would agree to this. But, I do hope it works out for you OP.

[Art_Critic]

Are you married to your partner ? the reason I ask is the commitment side of this.. are you sure he isn't just exercising the single life he misses from the bar days ?

 

I know you have kids together? are they legally his as well ?

 

Who cooked up this idea of an open relationship ? you or him ? and if you are all in then why the anxiety over him going out ?

[somanymistakes]

It's pretty normal for even happy poly people to feel a little bit anxious the first time their partner goes off to do something on their own, or the first time they have to deal with their partner experiencing the rush of NRE, or in general when their partner goes on a new first date, or to occasionally feel in need of reassurance if they're getting less time and attention than they're accustomed to.

 

That doesn't mean this WILL work out. It also doesn't mean it WON'T. The evidence here is neutral. New is scary! Even mono-dating for the first time can be pretty scary, it's just that it's long enough ago for most of us that we don't remember it that well.

 

Polyamory is hard work, anyone seriously in the lifestyle can tell you that, it involves a lot of communication and trust and being able to FACE your own insecurities and deal with them.

 

That said I don't know much about open relationships with kids, everybody I know who's long-term poly is childless, and the only friends-of-friends that I've heard of who are poly with kids are in a committed triad, not open dating. So I know that when it comes to THAT end of things I don't know anything.

[GunslingerRoland]

I did it because I'm interested too. He's a very attractive man, thin and muscular, so finding someone is easier than me. He's a chub chaser and I'm a chub. But we both did it to enhance our relationship and honestly, the communication and sex since we talked has been great. It's more my own insecurities and I know that, but still doesn't help my already anxious and analytical mind. We have kids too, so we work this out amongst our busy schedules. Just so happens kids are gone tonight. Anyway, it's the first night, so I popped a xanax and am just reading and chilling out. Ha

 

You're also a woman so you'll have no problem finding a partner. Many men like bigger girls.... but I agree with others saying that any lifestyle choice that forces you to take a potentially dangerous medication like Xanax really needs to be reconsidered.

[PeopleWatching]

The evidence here is neutral.

 

The evidence is anything but neutral. OP is already anxious enough to reach out to a bunch of strangers to reassure herself, which I think suggests that there is ample evidence that she already knows that this is a bad idea, and will be bad for her relationship. She is already on medication that may mask her ability to correctly assess and manage how this arrangement may affect her and the relationship.

 

I think that regardless of their sexual agreement, most people in a marriage / LTR with two kids are going to find that life stresses create challenges. Some of those challenges create breakdowns in communication, problems in the bedroom, and other problems. It can be difficult enough just to keep a regular, healthy, and loving sexual relationship running smoothly with kids.

 

Personally, I think that this situation takes away much of both the incentive and opportunity to work through those problems and challenges together as a couple. There is much less incentive to have difficult conversations and keep doing the hard work in the marriage / relationship when you can kick the can down the road and schedule a date with another person. Why have that difficult conversation with your spouse when you can go out and have new and exciting instead? Kids having trouble in school is creating stress? Just wait for date night to get away. Wife is losing interest in sex? Just wait for date night instead of working together. Sooner or later, the marriage may just become a marriage of convenience for the sake of the kids.

 

In my opinion, this arrangement is a terrible idea. Both of you need to be focused on each other, the children, and on the family. Adding other people to the mix weakens the family unit.

Edited July 19, 2017 by PeopleWatching
Marriage <> Relationship

[Art_Critic]

You're also a woman

 

That is presumptuous... they could have meant partner as in same sex partner but only the OP can clarify.. I took partner to mean same sex.

[PeopleWatching]

I took partner to mean same sex.

 

I took partner to mean unmarried but opposite sex, but in general I don't think the genders change anything. There may be additional stress in the relationship due to gender and sexual orientation issues, which would seem to be all the more reason not to step outside of the relationship.

[elaine567]

. I took partner to mean same sex.

 

I think many use "partner" as a catch all phrase, and here I too assumed live-in partner, ie not married/opposite sex as opposed to same-sex partner.

[GunslingerRoland]

That is presumptuous... they could have meant partner as in same sex partner but only the OP can clarify.. I took partner to mean same sex.

 

Ok there is a small chance that they are a gay couple with adopted children... I'll take the odds here though.

[somanymistakes]

The evidence is anything but neutral.

 

Do you actually have experience with poly relationships and people in them, or are you judging based solely on your interpretation of what a 'normal relationship' is and should be?

 

In my experience, "My partner is on a first date and I am nervous and need self-care" is a very common post even among dedicated lifelong poly people, and the nervousness generally passes soon, as long as the original relationship actually IS secure and loving and communicative and all the things one should be before venturing into this sort of thing.