Open relationship started tonight... dealing with anxiety.

[PeopleWatching]

Do you actually have experience with poly relationships and people in them, or are you judging based solely on your interpretation of what a 'normal relationship' is and should be?

 

The evidence is their circumstances and her/his post. What is normal for other people isn't relevant.

 

As long as the original relationship actually IS secure and loving and communicative and all the things one should be before venturing into this sort of thing.

 

In my experience, the dynamics between lovers is anything but stable when children are in the mix. What seems to be a secure and stable relationship one moment changes, sometimes quickly because children have a big impact on the relationship between the parents. Of course it is possible to work through those challenges together, but between this message board and others like it the norm seems to be that little challenges grow into big problems over time in spite of our best intentions.

 

Where I admit that I am venturing into speculation is that an open marriage creates distractions to first recognizing and then working through problems when they arise.

Edited July 19, 2017 by PeopleWatching
Clarification

[road]

The evidence is anything but neutral. OP is already anxious enough to reach out to a bunch of strangers to reassure herself, which I think suggests that there is ample evidence that she already knows that this is a bad idea, and will be bad for her relationship. She is already on medication that may mask her ability to correctly assess and manage how this arrangement may affect her and the relationship.

 

I think that regardless of their sexual agreement, most people in a marriage / LTR with two kids are going to find that life stresses create challenges. Some of those challenges create breakdowns in communication, problems in the bedroom, and other problems. It can be difficult enough just to keep a regular, healthy, and loving sexual relationship running smoothly with kids.

 

Personally, I think that this situation takes away much of both the incentive and opportunity to work through those problems and challenges together as a couple. There is much less incentive to have difficult conversations and keep doing the hard work in the marriage / relationship when you can kick the can down the road and schedule a date with another person. Why have that difficult conversation with your spouse when you can go out and have new and exciting instead? Kids having trouble in school is creating stress? Just wait for date night to get away. Wife is losing interest in sex? Just wait for date night instead of working together. Sooner or later, the marriage may just become a marriage of convenience for the sake of the kids.

 

In my opinion, this arrangement is a terrible idea. Both of you need to be focused on each other, the children, and on the family. Adding other people to the mix weakens the family unit.

 

Forums are filled with threads of open marriages gone bad.

Enough said.

[central]

Forums are filled with threads of open marriages gone bad.

Enough said.

 

And filled with stories of other relationships gone bad. Relationships of all kinds go bad! Routinely. The moral of this is to avoid relationships that require commitment, because people are bad at it.

[somanymistakes]

Forums are filled with threads of open marriages gone bad.

Enough said.

 

Forums attract a particular community. If you go by LS as a community you'd think that cheating is super-common and divorce is super-rare, because it's the kinds of thing we talk about here. If you look at other communities as your base, you'd draw a different conclusion.

 

IIRC a lot of the 'open marriages gone bad' we see here are from people where a spouse was already cheating and a partner suggested an open relationship in a desperate attempt to fix things, which is pretty much NEVER a good idea.

[PeopleWatching]

All that I can say is that in all of the years that I've been attending marriage support groups and lurking around various message boards, my observation has been that couples who keep their attention focused on each other appear to have stronger relationships that survive.

 

That said, many married couples don't focus their attention on each other whether or not they include other people into their relationship dynamic. Those relationships seem to have the highest mortality rate.

 

All of which is very anecdotal. In my case, there is no way that I can divide my attention between two or more women. When our marriage went through sexual dry spells, and communication dry spells, if that had been an option then it would have been much too easy to focus on the happier relationships at the expense of my marriage relationship. As rough as those patches were, we were better off working on our marriage without distractions.

[Chilli]

Gotta ask.

Why in hell would you wanna have an open relationship, why not just split up properly if what your in is that bad ?

No wonder you got anxiety that's just down right unnatural .

[avvril3000]

i tried an open relationship for three years. i actually thought i was open to it, because i wanted to explore and i wanted to move ahead sexually, but in the end i ended up getting so so hurt in the process it wasn't worth it. will never ever do it again.

[dichotomy]

I am not sure "open" is exactly the same thing as "poly" all the time. Open can mean random encounters or FB's - I understand poly was more of a long term loving relationships that may or may not always involve sex.

 

I believe my wife was poly for a few years between marriages.

[jenkins95]

I've known three couples that tried this. After an initial bit of fun, it soon became a disaster in all cases. - leading to frustration, suspicion, guilt, doubt, anger, possessiveness and jealousy. All three couples told me that, ironically, this arrangement led to more lying and less trust within the couple - two of the very things that such a mutual agreement is supposed to guard against.

 

One of those couples spilt soon after, the male unable to cope with the jealousy and his unexpected feelings of inadequacy. The other two are still together, but very much monogamous.

 

This rarely works and all possible outcomes should be thought about very carefully before going down this dangerous route.

Edited July 20, 2017 by jenkins95

[usa1ah]

My partner of six years and I decided recently that we're open to having an monagamish relationship. Tonight's his first evening away. I'm confident in our relationship but just always think about what ifs. What if he falls in love. What if he finds something better. I honestly think it's just my normal anxiety and first time jitters. Anyway, just thought I'd share, as I have with him, with others to see if anyone has pointers on dealing with the inevitable jealousy. I've read a lot and thought about it a lot and we've set up some pretty good boundaries. It's just the what ifs! I really should have planned something myself to keep my mind busy for a couple of hours... anyway.. what advice or questions does anyone have?

 

With this statement here, you should never have done this.

 

This will destroy your relationship. You are not laid back enough to separate your feelings from him having sex with someone else. I have never seen open relationships work. They have always ended up with my ex and I had one.

Edited July 21, 2017 by usa1ah

[Just a Guy]

Hi Okchubb, guess you are asking questions in the wrong forum. Maybe you should try Dr. Isadora Duncan's column. She may be able to give you a better perspective. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

[jenkins95]

With this statement here, you should never have done this.

 

This will destroy your relationship. You are not laid back enough to separate your feelings from him having sex with someone else. I have never seen open relationships work. They have always ended up with my ex and I had one.

 

I agree with this. chubb, it takes a very specific type of person to be able to have an open relationship, and it is clear that you are not this type. I think this arrangement is much more for your partner than it is for you. Wa sit him who pushed for it more than you?

 

Please talk to him and try to let him know that it is upsetting you. It could very well destroy your relationship. If you stop right now, then hopefully you guys can put it down to experience and put it behind you.

[usa1ah]

Wonder how last night went. Thursday was her night. This is so screwed up.

[BettyDraper]

Did you read about different types of non-monogamy before choosing the open model? Some of the concerns and jealousy - not all - can be eased by swinging. You do that together, and it is usually easier to find partners. There are many web sites specifically for this, and nothing really for finding open relationships (aside from dating sites).

 

We've had a poly, swinging, and open relationship at various times over the past 18 years, and it has worked for us. Each has different issues and challenges - and benefits - but jealousy can occur in any of them. Some of the books on poly, and some sites such as polyamory (.com) have more info about dealing with it. Fear is the basis of jealousy.

 

Mostly, though, if you already have a great relationship, someone new will be an infatuation for a while, but won't be a lasting threat. Yes, either of you might find someone who is a better match overall - that is a risk. That could happen even if you weren't pursuing this.

 

This has been the most balanced answer in this thread.

 

Even though I could never have an open marriage or swing, I'm not going to immediately brand those relationships as wrong and doomed. It can work for some couples.

 

I think the common tendency to swiftly denounce open/poly/swinging relationships is problematic when someone asks about how to handle being in them.

[usa1ah]

This has been the most balanced answer in this thread.

 

Even though I could never have an open marriage or swing, I'm not going to immediately brand those relationships as wrong and doomed. It can work for some couples.

 

I think the common tendency to swiftly denounce open/poly/swinging relationships is problematic when someone asks about how to handle being in them.

 

Here is the thing. You destroy yourself to do it if you don't have a natural tendency to do so. It's like cheaters that don't see any problems with what they are doing, it is the way they are.

 

You are not naturally a swinger poly what ever. You are asking how to crush your nartrual tendency for being monogamous. You are trying to kill part of your being. You should never have the feelings you are having if this is something you are ok with.

 

You ask for help. Here it is go in full throttle as hard as you can until you destroy this part of you. Then I guess injoy having sex with who ever you want. Don't hit back at those that have seen this scenario played out often and have barely seen any success with it when one has problems from the start. Good luck.

 

I give you less then theer months and you will be back on how to save your relationship.

 

If a couple is into great, hope they enjoy. Just not my cup of tea. So no not judging you. Just going by what I have seen others go through and what you talked about. 2+2 always =4.

[Robert]

Seems like a drive by poster, thread closed unless the thread starter comes back and alerts on my post to have it re-opened, thanks all who participated.