Secretly in love with spouse's best friend

[SecretStar]

Over two decades ago I met my husband, John and his best friend, George. From the beginning, I cared deeply for both of them. George married a woman from Europe and relocated there. I married John. We all get together every 18months or so. Our marriages are mostly fine and we are all good friends.

 

Last year we met up at a beach town. John suffers from anxiety and George's wife has depression. Both were struggling and George and I were doing our best to help them enjoy the vacation. At one point my young daughter was racing the waves on the beach. It was her first time at the ocean and she was full of joy. George and I witnessed this together while our spouses lingered way behind us. Both were dark and unhappy. I made eye contact with George and suddenly was hit by the realization that George and I often are in that situation. We would be happier together, frankly. I think we had the same thought in that moment. For the next couple days, we made eye contact several times and I think we both were realizing that our affection is more than friendship.

This year, they visited us. To be honest, I was dreading it in fear that these feelings would reveal themselves. I made mental rules like never be alone with George, limit eye contact etc. I managed to do a good job of shutting down my emotions too. Other than an awkward hug, we managed not to do anything we shouldn't have. When George was about to leave, he looked at me with such a deeply pained expression. We are in love but I know we have a choice. We both chose our families. This is the right thing to do but my heart literally aches. After George left, I was flooded with emotions. I feel sick and can't stop thinking about George. I have wild urges to contact him or to send gifts or offer to have book discussions via Skype. It's getting harder to resist these impulses. I'd love to hear advice about what to do. After reading threads here, I realize now that this is an emotional affair. It's not infatuation. I want to continue it and I want to kill it. I don't want to hurt anyone but after seeing the pain in George's eyes and feeling it myself, I have no clue how to cope. How does one get rid of these feelings?

[DragonzRoost]

Imagine the pain your spouse would be in if he were to find out..same for his wife. I know you are sympathizing for George possibly hiding his emotions however, if you have children you need to think of them. Having an affair of any type while, with someone in a committed relationship or bound by marriage is awful. It hurts beyond belief to know the person that you love has feelings for another all while, it has taken place in front of you. If this is something you cannot move forward in, then you should decide between making your marriage work or divorce for George. In my opinion it is never right to drag another through a painful process that could be avoided with communication. The grass is also not always greener on the other side. You get rid of those feelings by thinking of the reasons that brought John and you together. Why did you choose him and what change does he bring? Depression isn't at all easy and sometimes you hope the person that loves you most will be the shoulder for them to lean on. Could be that they both see what is happening and may suffer because of this silent bond taking place.

Edited July 19, 2017 by DragonzRoost

[road]

Time to tell your husband and the need for no contact

with the other family. If your husband will not go for

NC then tell the other wife what you have posted here

and the need for NC.

[aileD]

First off, you never mention if you actually had a conversation with George about this. Is this an assumption that you're making up in your head that you guys are in love because you've had a lot of eye contact and pained expressions? How do you know that he's in love and not just wants to jump into bed with you?

 

If you go further with this you will not only be ruining your marriage, your children's lives, George's children's lives, George's marriage, but you will also be ruining the friendship that has been lifelong between your husband and george.

 

There is something really horrible about having an affair but the people that have affairs with best friends of their spouses are the worst type of people of all. Is that the type of person you want to be? It sounds like you don't want to be that way but you're falling into the trap of "I can't help myself"

 

The truth is: you sure as hell CAN help yourself. This is a choice and you're being selfish and making the wrong choice. If you want this to end you need to be upfront with your husband and tell him that you're starting to have feelings for George therefore for the sake of your marriage you do not wish to be involved in any other interactions that involve George. They will have to have their one on one manly time together rather than family time with everybody because otherwise you will end up cheating

 

I can almost guarantee you that you're not going to make the right decision. That's the way it always seems to go. Everybody always thinks the grass is greener. There's always some lame excuse why it's OK to cheat . For example: "my husband has anxiety and his wife has depression and they are no fun anymore". That's not a reason to cheat that's a reason to work on your marriage that's a reason to support your spouse and getting healthy and that's a reason to show how much you love them not to fall in love with somebody else who is best friends with your spouse and whose children to play with your children

 

Don't let your selfish desires a ruined two families two marriages and the friendships of any kids involved

[elaine567]

Time to tell your husband and the need for no contact

with the other family. If your husband will not go for

NC then tell the other wife what you have posted here

and the need for NC.

 

Ok but the problem is that George is her husband's best friend, and it seems a bit unfair that not only is his wife infatuated with George, but John has to lose his best friend too.

BTW George's only input into this crush is a few eye contacts and some pained expressions which the OP interprets as "love".

[aileD]

Ok but the problem is that George is her husband's best friend, and it seems a bit unfair that not only is his wife infatuated with George, but John has to lose his best friend too.

BTW George's only input into this crush is a few eye contacts and some pained expressions which the OP interprets as "love".

 

John doesn't have to lose his best friend. The OP just can't be involved in their friendship anymore.

[jenkins95]

First off, you never mention if you actually had a conversation with George about this. Is this an assumption that you're making up in your head that you guys are in love because you've had a lot of eye contact and pained expressions? How do you know that he's in love and not just wants to jump into bed with you?

 

If you go further with this you will not only be ruining your marriage, your children's lives, George's children's lives, George's marriage, but you will also be ruining the friendship that has been lifelong between your husband and george.

 

There is something really horrible about having an affair but the people that have affairs with best friends of their spouses are the worst type of people of all. Is that the type of person you want to be? It sounds like you don't want to be that way but you're falling into the trap of "I can't help myself"

 

The truth is: you sure as hell CAN help yourself. This is a choice and you're being selfish and making the wrong choice. If you want this to end you need to be upfront with your husband and tell him that you're starting to have feelings for George therefore for the sake of your marriage you do not wish to be involved in any other interactions that involve George. They will have to have their one on one manly time together rather than family time with everybody because otherwise you will end up cheating

 

I can almost guarantee you that you're not going to make the right decision. That's the way it always seems to go. Everybody always thinks the grass is greener. There's always some lame excuse why it's OK to cheat . For example: "my husband has anxiety and his wife has depression and they are no fun anymore". That's not a reason to cheat that's a reason to work on your marriage that's a reason to support your spouse and getting healthy and that's a reason to show how much you love them not to fall in love with somebody else who is best friends with your spouse and whose children to play with your children

 

Don't let your selfish desires a ruined two families two marriages and the friendships of any kids involved

 

I had an affair, even though I love my wife, and a lot of the self-justification I used was similar to some of the dissatisfaction you are voicing in the original post.

 

I was selfish. It was about me, my entitlement, me "finding myself"while my wife looked after the children. No-one was meant to get hurt or even know about it and I didn't think about consequences. I pushed negative thoughts out of my head and took a "it will all turn out OK" attitude.

 

Well, eventually affairs catch up with cheaters and sh*t hits fans - this happened to me as it happens in almost every affair. Now, the lives of the people involved in my story lie in broken pieces (recovery is underway, but it is very slow and takes constant work) and I find myself wishing I'd seen a post like this one from aileD before I embarked on my selfishness.

 

Please (((SecretStar))), your H needs you. He loves you. If you love him, don't treat his mental issues as a barrier - a reason to cheat, but as a way to show great love in helping him, connecting to him, being there for him and loving him unconditionally.

 

If you don't love him, then please try to fix it and if that doesn't work, seek an amicable divorce. But whichever path you decide, please, please don't cheat while you are married. It causes devastation.

 

I wish you all the very best. Kudos to you for coming here for advice, I wish I had. Keep the posts coming.

Edited July 19, 2017 by jenkins95

[SecretStar]

I will absolutely choose my family. I was asking for help to squash these feelings. John suffers from anxiety. George's wife has depression. That was true before these feelings emerged. I am trying like hell to do the right thing. I can't even imagine discussing this with George but I know him very well. I suspect we are both struggling to continue to support our spouses through their illnesses. As I said, we choose our families. NC is not an option but fortunately there's an ocean between us. I just want to figure out how to kill these feelings. I kinda think posting here helps. I know the difference between right and wrong. The feelings just need to go away.

[SecretStar]

I wanted to thank those who responded so far. This is what I need to hear. My plan is to 1)focus on strenghtening my marriage and possibly seek counseling to help address the anxiety issue. If my husband refuses counseling (so far he refuses), I will need to tell him it's necessary for our marriage. 2)I won't initiate any contact with George. If these feelings linger I will find a reason not to meet up with them for our usual vacation until they are gone. 3)I'll read lots of stories about bad affairs. Truly, I don't want to be that person. Maybe the feelings will fade as I focus ob my marriage. I fear that George and his wife are struggling too. Ill try to mentally send them encouragement anytime I start thinking the wrong way. I don't want them to split up. Both families just need some TLC, I guess.

[SecretStar]

I wanted to thank those who responded so far. This is what I need to hear. My plan is to 1)focus on strenghtening my marriage and possibly seek counseling to help address the anxiety issue. If my husband refuses counseling (so far he refuses), I will need to tell him it's necessary for our marriage. 2)I won't initiate any contact with George. If these feelings linger I will find a reason not to meet up with them for our usual vacation until the feelings are gone. 3)I'll read lots of stories about bad affairs. Truly, I don't want to be that person. Maybe the feelings will fade as I focus on my marriage. I fear that George and his wife are struggling too. Ill try to mentally send them encouragement anytime I start thinking the wrong way. I don't want them to split up. Both families just need some TLC, I guess.

[springy]

I wanted to thank those who responded so far. This is what I need to hear. My plan is to 1)focus on strenghtening my marriage and possibly seek counseling to help address the anxiety issue. If my husband refuses counseling (so far he refuses), I will need to tell him it's necessary for our marriage. 2)I won't initiate any contact with George. If these feelings linger I will find a reason not to meet up with them for our usual vacation until the feelings are gone. 3)I'll read lots of stories about bad affairs. Truly, I don't want to be that person. Maybe the feelings will fade as I focus on my marriage. I fear that George and his wife are struggling too. Ill try to mentally send them encouragement anytime I start thinking the wrong way. I don't want them to split up. Both families just need some TLC, I guess.

 

I think you have a good plan here. I would add to try not to let your mind "sit" on George if you know what I mean? No daydreaming, reliving past moments, etc., when those thoughts come find something else to put your mind on. I realize this is easier said than done, but letting those romantic thoughts marinate will get you into trouble.

 

Also, I think it is paramount that you strongly stress to your husband the toll his uncontrolled(?) anxiety is taking on you, and that you really need him to take some steps to get it under better control - all with your support of course. Hopefully once he knows what this was doing to you/your marriage he will be more willing to look for solutions. Obviously George does not need to be introduced into this conversation at all.

 

I am curious as others have asked - has George voiced reciprocal feelings? Or are these just assumptions?

[SecretStar]

Thanks. I won't dwell on thoughts of George. I can redirect my thoughts when that topic arises. George tells me he loves me often but it's always been as friends. The last time definitely felt different and he kissed me briefly on the lips. He didn't say it this last time we met. He seemed to be avoiding ever being alone with me and I did the same. I honestly think we are on the same page. Both struggling a bit with our marriages. We have been close for a long time. I don't think either of us want to do the wrong thing or to lose our friendship.

[ItStartsFromWithin]

So he's straight out telling you, "I love you."?

And he kissed you directly on the mouth?

[whichwayisup]

I will absolutely choose my family. I was asking for help to squash these feelings. John suffers from anxiety. George's wife has depression. That was true before these feelings emerged. I am trying like hell to do the right thing. I can't even imagine discussing this with George but I know him very well. I suspect we are both struggling to continue to support our spouses through their illnesses. As I said, we choose our families. NC is not an option but fortunately there's an ocean between us. I just want to figure out how to kill these feelings. I kinda think posting here helps. I know the difference between right and wrong. The feelings just need to go away.

 

Limited contact IS an option and counseling too.

 

You have to fight the thoughts and know it's wrong. You can rid of the attachment and feelings of love you have for him. Stop feeding the feelings and focus that energy into your husband and being a better wife. Stop being George's shoulder. He can talk to a professional about his wife (I take it you two were 'bonding' over your spouses mental health issues? Did anything physical ever happen between you two?) and not rely on you for that.

[road]

Ok but the problem is that George is her husband's best friend, and it seems a bit unfair that not only is his wife infatuated with George, but John has to lose his best friend too.

BTW George's only input into this crush is a few eye contacts and some pained expressions which the OP interprets as "love".

 

It is called consequences.

 

Better for John to lose his friend then have his wife have an affair

with George.

 

Better yet for John to take steps to protect his marriage

and lose his WW before she bangs his friend.

 

Either way best for NC. Though so much better to prevent George

from doing John's wife then after.

[SecretStar]

Well, there literally is an ocean between us but I can have NC with George while allowing our kids to Skype. I will contact a counselor and put off our next family vacation or remove myself if needed. That vacation is supposed to be in about 10 months. Hopefully this can get sorted out by then. If not, we probably will need to bring it out in the open. Other than one brief kiss, we haven't crossed the line yet. I do see the danger and will remember Jenkins95's comment. That one is most helpful as a cautionary tale. Thanks again.

[jenkins95]

Well, there literally is an ocean between us but I can have NC with George while allowing our kids to Skype. I will contact a counselor and put off our next family vacation or remove myself if needed. That vacation is supposed to be in about 10 months. Hopefully this can get sorted out by then. If not, we probably will need to bring it out in the open. Other than one brief kiss, we haven't crossed the line yet. I do see the danger and will remember Jenkins95's comment. That one is most helpful as a cautionary tale. Thanks again.

 

Well done SS. You are being really mature about this and I commend you. This place has been great fro me, but I only sought out help and advice AFTER the bomb dropped on my life. If only I'd had the foresight to do what you are doing! I can't praise you highly enough for this. Of course, as soon as I showed up here and started reading, I found out that my story was very far from unique and my A had very much played out in the typical way we see all the time here.

 

For what it's worth, I was very lucky to be given another chance by my wife and we are doing very well in reconciliation. But it would have been SOOOO much better if I'd never gone down that path in the first place. Our marriage can and hopefully will be great again if we keep on working hard as we now are - in some ways even better than before when we often took each other for granted. But the bottom line is that I will never be able to say that I obeyed my marriage vows and my wife will never be able to say that she has a 100% faithful husband. The 100% unquestioned trust I once enjoyed is now a thing of the past and rightfully so. The shadow will always be there, but hopefully it will continue to fade!

 

Never go down that path SS! That's my advice to you...and I think you're really on the right track now! Well done and please keep posting.

[SecretStar]

I am so glad that you were able to salvage your marriage! I read some comments here before the last family vacation (which was last week). I didn't post anything but reading helped me set some rules for the visit (never be alone, limit eye contact etc) and thought we did pretty well (didn't have any inappropriate contact. However, I still struggled since the inappropriate feelings were present. It really helps to get feedback and warnings.

I must admit that I took offence at the idea that I need to be a better wife. I yry so hard! Then I thought about that more and decided that I can do better. Why did these feelings arise anyway? There are some things that both couples need to work on. That's clear. I will do my best to focus on my marriage. I hope this will be a good learning experience and that we all will have stronger relationships in the end. After all, George's wife is my friend too. Once things are sorted with my husband and these feelings end, it would be great if George's wife and I had a chance to grow as better friends too.

[l8estnews]

Why did these feelings arise anyway? T

 

Because you're technically the driver of your marriage as of the moment. You are the anchor of strength because of your husband is currently lacking that. And maybe you don't admit it to yourself or to anyone, this burden is already taking its toll on you. George, on the other hand, exudes a preview of "what could have been" if your husband is as able as him. And because of this, you start to feel how easy life would be if you are just with George.

 

But this is where you should think more deeply.

 

Your husband is not able right now, not because of his own accord but because of his illness. You chose John for a reason. Try to remember why you married John in the first place. You made vows for better or for worse. And you are in the worse now.

 

I used to think love is special. We always have "the one" etc etc. But honestly? Love is a choice. It sounds untrue because you really don't choose whom you love, but there's a difference between infatuation and love, and I know you described this as love but, really believe me, one can easily confuse one from the other because of the strong pull of emotions.

[SecretStar]

Yes, that's absolutely correct!

[road]

Well, there literally is an ocean between us but I can have NC with George while allowing our kids to Skype. I will contact a counselor and put off our next family vacation or remove myself if needed. That vacation is supposed to be in about 10 months. Hopefully this can get sorted out by then. If not, we probably will need to bring it out in the open. Other than one brief kiss, we haven't crossed the line yet. I do see the danger and will remember Jenkins95's comment. That one is most helpful as a cautionary tale. Thanks again.

 

With that kiss you did cross the line.

[goodyblue]

Well, you aren't in love with George. You are just looking for something to make your life better because you live with a person who is a Debbie Downer.

 

You need to stop worrying about George and start worrying about how you plan to make your marriage better.

[Steve51]

True story. I had a crush on my friends sister since I was 13 years old. However, I was a bad boy and she was a good girl so we never hooked up in any way. She is the only face I see in my fantasies and I thought about her every day. Still do.

 

By some quirk of fate, I got engaged to a girl who I just met 3 weeks ago who happened to be my crush's best friend. I did not find out until after the engagement. Odd that I never met my wife before since she not only was best friends with the girl I have wanted for so long but also lived just two blocks from my house and hung out with my sister and other girls I knew. Maybe I did see her but she was a virgin at 20 and I did not pay much attention to virgins back then.

 

My wife's girlfriend had married a friend of mine and so we saw each other at least once a week. Then she got divorced and would spend weeks at a time with us. I would see her in her bra and panties and once naked by accident. We flirted openly and my wife did not seem to mind. One night we were all drinking and smoking too much when the girlfriend said that she had not had sex in 8 months and was horny as heck. Out of the blue my wife asked her friend if she would like to have sex with me. She did and so did I. It was great. She really was very horny as her screams brought my wife to see if we were OK. I thought I would be polite and asked my wife to join us. I was thinking that she would not and I could have a second go at her girlfriend. Instead she said yes and long story short, her girlfriend moved in with us and had her own room. I learned that her girlfriend is bi and had sex with a few women in college. It really is a thing. My wife learned that she loves sex with women and allowed her repressed desire for women to come out. She too was bisexual. Hard to believe, I know and would not blame anyone for not believing it. I do not believe it either.

 

We shared her girlfriend for 30 years of our 45 years or marriage. What is even more surprising is that we never had a problem due to out poly triad, not even an argument. It just was a perfect fit for all of us and we all knew our place in the triad.

 

So dreams can come true but I fear it is easier to bring another girl into a marriage than bringing in a man. I never in my wildest imagination thought I would have sex with the girl I had a crush on for so long. Then again my wife never thought she would fall in love with a woman. Things change and good things sometimes happen no matter who you are or what you do. I would be open to a MMF threesome if my wife wanted one because she shared her friend with me for 30 years and never had sex with her unless I was present, if only to watch. So I owe my wife big time.

 

A word of caution though. Marriage and sex professionals do not recommend having a threesome with someone you know. The reason is that there is some emotional bond existing prior to having sex and that can easily turn into love. It is not uncommon for a wife to fall in love with the other guy in their threesome. Not uncommon for the other guy to ask the wife to have sex with him privately. Sex 101. Sex releases the hormone Oxytocin whose job is to emotionally bond sex partners together. Its effects can be mild or very strong. This is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. Powerful stuff.

 

Just know that anytime you bring someone else into your marriage, there is a risk. It is a minefield with more mines than fields. Most of my friends who did threesome, both MMF, FFM or both, ended up with one or in one case, both of them running off with the other person in their threesome. We lasted only because we both loved the same women so there was no need to sneak around or be jealous. I just wanted to let you know that dreams can come true and sometimes you need to give them a nudge to do so. You would not be the first women to suggest a threesome but to be fair both a MMF and FFM one. If he agrees suggest the MMF first since he will probably change his mind after the FFM one. Then take it from there. Once you leave the vanilla sex world behind you will be amazed how other married couples are living. People we never would suspect were swinging, wife swapping and having three or moresomes. Our girlfriend was a school teacher who dressed conservatively during the day but at night got freakly. The couple we did a wife swap with had a husband who was a top chemist as a major pharmaceutical company. We met doctors, lawyers, a woman on the board of directors of a well known major bank as well as housewives and neighbors. Once you open the curtain on monogamy, you will see things you never looked for before. Good Luck.

[SecretStar]

Steve51 wouldn't that leave someone out?! I doubt George's wife would like that much. I did research polyamoury. I don't think that's where we are headed.

As I work through this, I think this is just two close couples that are going through a tough time in both marriages. I do love George as a close friend. He is very important to me but so is his wife and my husband. I am beginning to see that this is just infatuation not romantic love. We had ample opportunities to go down that road in the past but never did. George, John and I went on many backpacking trips with just the three of us since George's wife doesn't like backpacking. Not once did a threesome occur to me. I'm pretty open minded about that kind of thing too. Vanilla is ok with me but I don't judge swingers.

[SecretStar]

This is my second post. I previously described a budding emotional affair with my husband's best friend. Thanks to this forum, I see it for what it is--infatuation that has arisen from some problems with my marriage--and my husband's unwillingness to seek treatment for anxiety.

 

So, now I can clearly see what is happening but am having trouble stopping the thoughts about George (my husband's friend). I am somewhat familiar with meditation. Every time the mind wanders, recognize that it wandered and then refocus! I keep trying but am not very good at it yet. I can't even imaging how hard this would be if I had to see the George regularly. Thank goodness he is very far away on another continent. Still, my husband will be traveling for work for a few days this week. I will have to madly fight the urge to set up a Skype call with George. I can do this (not make the call), right?!! I guess I just need some cheerleading to stay on track. I'm supposed to be focusing on fixing my marriage not entertaining thoughts of George. Damn that dopamine or whatever chemical causes that giddy feeling inside. It's hard to ignore and refocus. Thanks for giving me a place to share this. I definitely can't talk about this frankly elsewhere.