A MM's story

[crushedandlost]

[]I am suffering more than I could ever imagine. I can’t talk to anyone about this in my real life but through this forum I hope that I will find a sympathetic ear and maybe some friends in the virtual world and by doing this I hope I will find some courage to move on.

 

I am of South east Asian origin and had an arranged M almost 12years ago. My W is beautiful and intelligent and a great mother but we never really managed any kind of sexual compatibility. We have had sex maybe 15-20 times in 12 years and 2 of those times were for the purposes of giving birth to our 2 beautiful kids.

My W was a virgin when I got married and although I was not forced into marrying her it was made very apparent to me by my parents (through techniques such as emotional blackmail) that I had to choose someone who matched certain prespecifications that they felt important (a well to do background, good education and someone of the same religion/caste etc) After meeting my now W a few times, I agreed to marry her purely for the relief of getting all that emotional pressure off me. Prior to my Marriage I did have several GFs and I always was drawn to Caucasian women but a Caucasian girl was never going to be an option for my family.

 

Before I paint a picture of being some miserable pathetic weakling, I want to say that I am of athletic and muscular build, handsome enough to be scouted for modelling assignments and a highly skilled professional with postdoctoral degree from Oxford.

 

Call me a coward and call me weak but unless you are in that environment, you will never know how hard and tough it is for people like me. I had expressed on several occasions to my family that I was not ready to get married but my pleas fell on deaf ears. My parents wouldn’t talk to me for days – my father would threaten to kill himself if I refused a girl that he wanted as his daughter in law! Soon after M, I knew that we were not sexually compatible. My W was very nervous, not really in the slightest bit adventurous and absolutely insisted that I wear a condom (which is a real passion killer) other then for the 3 or 4 times when we were trying for a child…rather than considering taking the pill/ coil etc.

 

In any case 10 years past..my W and me lived a good life… we laughed, we travelled, we watched our kids grow up but there was never any sexual intimacy. We lived as friends and housemates but never lovers. Nevertheless I never stepped out of my marriage once and satisfied myself watching porn when I needed release.

 

Almost 4 years ago, I met a girl at work. She was in a long term relationship with her BF but was clearly unhappy and she started showing me the kind of attention I had not received for so long.

I told her I was married but the chemistry was too great and before I knew it we had both embarked on an A. We adored each other…she was sexually adventurous and after so many years I felt worthy, I felt alive and she made me feel like I was some sort of sex god. I now know that everyone who has As feels like this.

In any case it seemed to work well for both of us. We were both emotionally and physically unsatisfied with our partners and the A brought a feeling of self worth back for both of us. As time progressed however, I started noticing the following:

 

1) My AP was increasingly unhappy in her relationship

2) My AP was increasingly wanting me to leave her relationship and wanting me to do the same

3) I was beginning to feel increasingly guilty and unhappy about what I was doing

 

I knew I could never leave my W and kids. I had a duty to her (corny.. I know)..but also the mere thought of separation would have killed my aging parents as well as hers. I told my AP this but she wanted to continue the A because of the escape it gave her from her own relationship

As time progressed the physical part of the A started getting less and less (because of the anxiety it started generating in me – I was worried about getting caught/ STDs and therefore I started using condoms which were again a passion killer and pregnancy) but there was still a huge emotional connection. Over the past 2 years, our relationship had become a largely emotional affair with me providing emotional support to my AP who was constantly debating whether or not to leave her BF who she had invested 8 years with and who she was hugely attached to but clearly no longer in love with.

 

Somewhere in my mind I felt relieved that as I was no longer having sex with my AP, it was somehow ok and I was no longer ‘cheating’ (again I know that this is untrue). I would still talk to my AP daily… send her naughty texts and in some way loved having her in my life in some capacity. My W never knew and our relationship never really changed.

 

About 3 months ago, my AP finally mustered the courage to break up with her BF. I knew I was going to have to go soon too. Much as I had expected I got the following texts from her

 

HER: I have something to tell you

ME: Is what you are going to tell me going to cause me pain because I have a pretty heavy heart already

HER: Yep. The feeling is mutual though if that’s any consolation

ME: I think I know what you will tell me

HER: I cant keep hanging on

ME: For?

HER: For you. I guess

ME: I know my fate is sealed

HER: You know how I feel about you but its so very unhealthy for me. I would hope we can be friends. You have been a roller coaster but I am so glad you were there.

ME: There’s so many things I wish I could tell you…it’s a shame you never thought you could work me out because when I am alone in my solitude, I know exactly how I feel about you

HER: I know. I know all that really. Im tired with emotion today and ive also ran out of words. I have to start being more honest again with myself and with everyone else or I’m just never going to be happy. I used to be honest and loyal and in a funny kind of way this is me being honest and loyal to you as well. You will always be someone who is incredibly special to me. You’ve made me laugh so hard and smile a million times, you made life exciting and special, you made me feel loved like a goddess and offered so much advice and support. Thank you xxx

 

ME: For four years now you’ve been my best friend and lover, everyday of the past four years ive thought of you in some measure. How does one put that past them. How does one muster the courage to get up and live their day? I don’t know but I do know that getting over you will be the hardest thing I will ever have done. But I also know that you need to find your happiness and I would never begrudge you that. I will miss you terriblyx

 

HER: I don’t know. Guess we have to appreciate the bitter sweet. If only we had met some other time…….but then I would have totally missed outx

 

 

 

Since then (5 weeks ago), we have not contacted each other at all by phone or text. I have no intention of contacting her ever again as I feel this would be the dishonourable thing to do

 

The problem is that since she has gone, I feel so incredibly miserable. For the first 2 weeks, I felt like I was gasping for air like I had been punched in the stomach. After 2 weeks, I thought the intense grief was settling but it has been replaced with even more draining emotions…I can feel so low one minute, angry another minute and jealous the third. I haven’t slept for more than 2 hours a night without being haunted by her in my dreams. I have lost more weight than I had when I was running 5K daily. I don’t think I have had 10 minutes on a single day when I have not thought of her.

 

I have already booked and started attending counselling to see which of my unmet emotional needs led me to make this mistake… but whilst id dearly to make it work with my wife, how does one create love when there was none in the first place? How does one find one’s freedom when there are so many lives at stake?

 

Perhaps the one consolation I seek by posting here is to ask those OW in the forum to console me that my AP may also be missing me like I miss her. This in turn may allow me some peace and hopefully allow me to sleep peacefully for at least one night.

Edited July 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Doublegold]

Perhaps the one consolation I seek by posting here is to ask those OW in the forum to console me that my AP may also be missing me like I miss her. This in turn may allow me some peace and hopefully allow me to sleep peacefully for at least one night.

 

Such a heartfelt and moving post. Some like to cast Affairs in black and white but there are oh so many greys.

 

Yes she is missing you, deeply. Take care.

[aileD]

You're a storybis just a bunch of excuses all MM have. You're your own man. Leave your marriage or don't.

[amomwhoknows]

When you are ready, and I don't think that is right now, google how to date your wife or how to have an affair with your wife. Given where you are with your wife right now, you will have to pace it slowly.

 

(first, get tested for STDs if you haven't already -- no kidding. Guessing you haven't had sex with your wife in a long while -- so get tested for real.)

 

Certainly you can do better in your marriage than you (and by you, I mean both of you) then where you are today.

 

And is love only sex to you? Not saying that love doesn't include sex, but is it only sex. Cause if it is, it is unlikely to be kindled easily.

[lostgirl87]

Your sadness and heartache are palpable. I'm sorry. I understand how difficult your situation is given the cultural aspect.

 

But to answer your question, yes your OW is missing you like crazy. I know that with that last text exchange, she was hoping and praying that you'd say something else. That you'd say something about one day leaving and being with her. I'm positive she still looks at her phone constantly hoping to see any sign of life from you.

 

I think it's great and extremely selfless of you to not contact her knowing that you have no intention of ever leaving your wife and having a legitimate relationship with your OW. It's just sad that you'll be spending the only life you have without the woman you love and who loves you back. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

 

 

Wishing you the best!

[isolatedgothic]

You are hurting very deeply. The words you chose - gasping for air, for instance - ring so true with how a person feels when they are separated from someone who is so close. I think it is so amazing that you are seeking counseling and doing what you can to help yourself work through what is going on inside of you.

 

While this girl did so much for you, and filled a place in your heart that you felt was empty for so long, did you learn from her? Did you learn how to truly love and make a woman feel happy? Not just sexually, but make her feel cherished and special and wonderful? If you did, could you possibly start doing some of those things for the woman who had your children, who you committed your life to? You are determined to stay in your marriage. What can you do to make this woman who is yours forever feel the same high, the same passion, the same love, that you have felt with someone who was not your wife?

 

Sometimes I feel that if a marital partner will put full effort into their spouse, their marriage might not be so miserable. If you gave her all of you, would she respond in kind, and together you two could build a happy marriage?

 

Just some thoughts as I read your post. I hope you know that you are not condemned or shamed here in any way. Many of us here have done things we feel bad about and want to find support and help and to fill that empty spot left by someone who made a deep impression on us. No shame here. Please keep posting. We are here to help and support.

[DKT3]

Perhaps the one consolation I seek by posting here is to ask those OW in the forum to console me that my AP may also be missing me like I miss her. This in turn may allow me some peace and hopefully allow me to sleep peacefully for at least one night.

 

Such a heartfelt and moving post. Some like to cast Affairs in black and white but there are oh so many greys.

 

Yes she is missing you, deeply. Take care.

No grey, only do or do not. Why ones does or doesn't is very black or white. Grey comes from effectively convincing yourself the actions are justified.

[BreakingWave]

Thank you for posting that. I am currently going through a heartbreaking split with my xAP, a MW. I have been so emotionally gutted by the idea that while I am crying myself to sleep, waking up with a pain in my stomach, she's living her life free and clear and not thinking about me at all. I take absolutely no joy in your pain, please understand that. But knowing that some MM/MW do miss us even when they don't tell us is somehow comforting to me.

 

Yes, she misses you, and yes, it kills her that you're going to be with someone else and not her. I don't know if that changes anything, but rest assured she does care.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I recently got dumped by a MM after 7 long years so my reply may be less....sympathetic.

 

You embarked on an affair knowing FULL WELL you were not leaving your wife. I shake my head. The cruelest thing you could have done to this woman was continue to string her along for years while offering some hope that you two may eventually be together.

 

Yes she misses you but you crushed her soul in the process.

 

Sorry, I'm a bit bitter about the agenda of a MM.

[jah526]

The MM I was involved with was also of southeast Asian origin. He will never divorce his wife, even though he's not in an arranged marriage. It's a cultural thing, I think. I get that, but at the same time, look how much unhappiness all this causes. Do you really think your wife is happy? Maybe she would prefer to be with a man who actually loves her and wants to be with her. Your OW is unhappy, you are unhappy.

 

You say it will kill all the parents if you separate. It won't. Eventually, and probably sooner than you think, they will come around. Why? Because of the grandchildren. In any case, you are not responsible for their reactions. People can always choose how they want to react to things.

 

At some point you have to grow up and become independent. I've had to face up to my own father recently, and while it wasn't easy, I knew I was doing the right thing. He was initially very angry but things have calmed down and we are still talking. I hope, not only for your sake, but also for all the others involved in this, you can find the courage to do the right thing.

[sophinla]

You are fighting an addiction, with yourself, that has little to do with your affair partner. You've already made it clear that you will not choose her over your marriage and family, and the fact that you are scared to catch some sort of STD from her after being intimate with her for so long, speaks volume of what you really think of her.

 

You fight addiction like how everyone else fight addiction. Deciding to quit which you already did, sticking to that decision which means NC, avoid triggers, and perhaps most importantly, realizing that life and marriage is NOT supposed to be super passionate super exciting all the time, recondition yourself to enjoy other kinds of more mundane pleasures, develop hobbies, love your family, move on.

 

And work on yourself, take responsibility of your needs and actions, decide what you want for life, be true to yourself and to those you love.

[Poppy47]

Yes she is hurting too. Just as much as you are.

 

You both knew it was an affair. If you want more, take steps to make it happen.

 

I don't know what else to tell you. I had a very long affair with MM. I still love him and always will.

 

If you aren't happy, chances are you wife is not happy either.

 

Poppy.

[elaine567]

There is a lot of projecting going on here by OWs who are in a similar position to the one your OW found herself in with a man who will not leave his wife, but no-one can really say how YOUR OW feels.

Just because some OWs on here are hurting and pining and upset over THEIR MM, does not really mean anything,

 

YOUR OW may be happy and relieved it is all over, she may be regretting "wasting" part of her life with you and she may actually now hate you for stringing her along for so long.

As she had a long term bf and she was also a "cheater", then the "love story" you thought you were in, maybe was just a sham to get her needs met.

Why choose a man to have an affair with who was obviously never going to leave his wife?

Maybe she chose it to be that way so she never really got too involved.

Who knows what she felt or was/is thinking? Only she knows that.

 

She sounded done to me and she has never reached out, so it is over and you need to accept that. The end of a chapter in her life, dump the bf AND the MM, neither are really what she needs, so a new beginning...

 

Many people here are stuck in prolonged "wallowing" that is why they are here but IRL many people just pick themselves up and carry on almost unscathed.

 

She dumped you, and many dumpers just tend to move on and not look back.

Dumpees tend to want to believe that they are part of a big tragedy and that the hurt is split right down the middle and that both are grieving the "loss".

Truth is, the love story for the dumper usually ended quite a while before they decided to split, so by the time of the split they are often "over it".

 

There is no advantage to you in your situation to keep wondering what your OW is thinking, that will keep you stuck and you will end up wallowing in grief for a lot longer than this affair really justifies.

Accept she is gone and decide what you are now going to do with your own life going forward.

She has cleared her decks, time for you to organise your own decks.

 

YOU must always have known that your OW was just a temporary band-aid, so what are you going to do to make your arranged marriage better?

As you seem to be stuck in it for life then you need to figure out ways of making the best of a bad job.

OR

you need to accept you are in a "miserable" marriage, it will never get better and seek ways to end it.

[Ruffian1]

Tell your BS she is in an open M so she can find a lover too.

 

Fair is fair.

 

You will move on and find another AP.

[elaine567]

Tell your BS she is in an open M so she can find a lover too.

 

I think in a relationship forum where just about "anything" can be tolerated then "opening up the marriage" can be seen as no big deal and a "solution".

 

BUT most people in marriages think in a monogamous way and just because her husband is cheating and wants to sleep with others DOES NOT mean that his wife would ever contemplate doing the same, nor does it mean she would accept he husband getting it elsewhere either.

It does not work like that.

 

She also has kids, she will not want them subjected to an array of "lovers" and all the mess and chaos that would bring to their lives.

People usually get married not to engage in polygamy, they get married to lock down monogamy. Even cheating men and women rarely want their BS to stray too.

 

Try telling the hurt BS's on here that they should "open up their marriage" and see how far that gets you?

BSs do not want "lovers" of their own, they want the spouse they have to be true to them and them alone.

Open marriages only work when both are on the same page and both want to explore their sexuality and both are secure in their marriage, but "forced" open marriages due to one partner cheating or wanting "extra" are a recipe for disaster.

[ClassyTaste]

Highly successful men with large close families and children divorce everyday. A large majority have no OW in this group, but are strong enough in mind and soul to make the big boy's decision to leave an unhappy marriage. They are done with it and want to move on.

 

I do not buy the continuous excuses of the 'I am so miserable and stuck in my miserable marriage,' of the poster board cheating MM.

 

It is nonsense. Affairs allow them to be stingy and greedy. They are happy in their marriages. Unhappy men leave unhappy marriages period. Ow add extra bonanzas to make normal bumps in the marriage better and stronger for the MM. A temporary band aid to be tossed when things get real or things start going well again.

[somanymistakes]

Unhappy men leave unhappy marriages period.

 

what, you've really never known anyone who stayed in an unhappy marriage?

 

with no cake-eating involved?

[jenkins95]

I recently got dumped by a MM after 7 long years so my reply may be less....sympathetic.

 

You embarked on an affair knowing FULL WELL you were not leaving your wife. I shake my head. The cruelest thing you could have done to this woman was continue to string her along for years while offering some hope that you two may eventually be together.

 

Yes she misses you but you crushed her soul in the process.

 

Sorry, I'm a bit bitter about the agenda of a MM.

 

Whilst I have a huge amount of sympathy for What_Did_I_Do and any OW who finds herself in this situation, my sympathy is somewhat limited.

 

Why? Because the OW too, knew FULL WELL that her new boyfriend was married, and unless the MM actually future faked and said he was going to leave his wife, then really both APs need to bare in mind that this is an A, that both (or at least one of them) are cheating and that one day it is probably going to end.

 

Unless you explicitly lied about your marriage and future faked about leaving, don't feel too guilty towards the OW - she knew what she was getting into. Unless one AP lies and future fakes the other, I consider them to be equally to blame and responsible for their own pain post A. That is certainly how I feel about my own affair.

 

Try to save your guilt and your energy for your wife. It will take many months before you will be in a position to really love your wife again because your head is all over the place right now. But if you take counselling and work really hard on yourself and have lots of difficult conversations with your wife, you may be able to overcome your issues and reconnect.

 

I really wish you all the best anyway.

[jenkins95]

Your sadness and heartache are palpable. I'm sorry. I understand how difficult your situation is given the cultural aspect.

 

But to answer your question, yes your OW is missing you like crazy. I know that with that last text exchange, she was hoping and praying that you'd say something else. That you'd say something about one day leaving and being with her. I'm positive she still looks at her phone constantly hoping to see any sign of life from you.

 

I think it's great and extremely selfless of you to not contact her knowing that you have no intention of ever leaving your wife and having a legitimate relationship with your OW. It's just sad that you'll be spending the only life you have without the woman you love and who loves you back. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

 

 

Wishing you the best!

 

This is a really nice post, but regarding the bold bit, try not to get trapped into thoughts that she was "the one" i.e. made for you, the only woman for you and that no other woman can ever make you happy.

 

In my life, I've been in love with four different women and during the zenith of all of those relationships, I was convinced that each was "the one". But life and experience has shown me that this is not the case. We can fall in and out of love with multiple people...and the affair experiences that we read here on LS show us that this can very easily happen when it "shouldn't". In fact the forbidden, secretive, tragic context of an affair can even heighten this feeling.

 

The OW was not "the one", she was just someone who was very compatible with you at a certain time in your life. The big question is, can you make your wife into "the one"?

[jenkins95]

I think in a relationship forum where just about "anything" can be tolerated then "opening up the marriage" can be seen as no big deal and a "solution".

 

BUT most people in marriages think in a monogamous way and just because her husband is cheating and wants to sleep with others DOES NOT mean that his wife would ever contemplate doing the same, nor does it mean she would accept he husband getting it elsewhere either.

It does not work like that.

 

She also has kids, she will not want them subjected to an array of "lovers" and all the mess and chaos that would bring to their lives.

People usually get married not to engage in polygamy, they get married to lock down monogamy. Even cheating men and women rarely want their BS to stray too.

 

Try telling the hurt BS's on here that they should "open up their marriage" and see how far that gets you?

BSs do not want "lovers" of their own, they want the spouse they have to be true to them and them alone.

Open marriages only work when both are on the same page and both want to explore their sexuality and both are secure in their marriage, but "forced" open marriages due to one partner cheating or wanting "extra" are a recipe for disaster.

 

Good post Elaine and regarding the bolded bit, I've known three couples who have tried "open marriages". Whilst they may have had a lot of fun intially, in every case it was a pretty disastrous arrangement in the long run, and and led to mistrust, jealousy, frustration and possessiveness. A nice idea in principle, perhaps, but the reality is usually very different.

[Chica80]

This is a really nice post, but regarding the bold bit, try not to get trapped into thoughts that she was "the one" i.e. made for you, the only woman for you and that no other woman can ever make you happy.

 

In my life, I've been in love with four different women and during the zenith of all of those relationships, I was convinced that each was "the one". But life and experience has shown me that this is not the case. We can fall in and out of love with multiple people...and the affair experiences that we read here on LS show us that this can very easily happen when it "shouldn't". In fact the forbidden, secretive, tragic context of an affair can even heighten this feeling.

 

The OW was not "the one", she was just someone who was very compatible with you at a certain time in your life. The big question is, can you make your wife into "the one"?

 

 

I agree, for the most part.

 

OP what you have with your wife is what you have with your wife it will always be that way. You can make it better but will never be like what you had w AP and vs versa.

Because they are different people.

 

Your reasons for agreeing to an arranged marraige, family culture etc are understandable but ultimately still your choice.

 

Life is what we make of it and our choices are our own. You can choose to find a way to be happy in this marraige and accept it for what it is.

 

And as far as everyone telling you how she feels what is true etc. You know the truth. You know what you had no one person on here can truly know because they are not you and they are not her.

 

I think going to therapy, and learning what your needs are and what is missing is a great start.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I think in a relationship forum where just about "anything" can be tolerated then "opening up the marriage" can be seen as no big deal and a "solution".

 

BUT most people in marriages think in a monogamous way and just because her husband is cheating and wants to sleep with others DOES NOT mean that his wife would ever contemplate doing the same, nor does it mean she would accept he husband getting it elsewhere either.

It does not work like that.

 

She also has kids, she will not want them subjected to an array of "lovers" and all the mess and chaos that would bring to their lives.

People usually get married not to engage in polygamy, they get married to lock down monogamy. Even cheating men and women rarely want their BS to stray too.

 

Try telling the hurt BS's on here that they should "open up their marriage" and see how far that gets you?

BSs do not want "lovers" of their own, they want the spouse they have to be true to them and them alone.

Open marriages only work when both are on the same page and both want to explore their sexuality and both are secure in their marriage, but "forced" open marriages due to one partner cheating or wanting "extra" are a recipe for disaster.

Im sorry, you could only speak of yourself and not generalize on what BS want. Open marriage is not the bone of contention here.

[Ahurtgirl]

Your wife obviously is not in love with you and is not attracted to you.

 

Your OW was in love with you and was very attracted to you.

 

You are a fool to have let your OW go. You will never find someone as dedicated to you as your OW was. She deserves your love. Your wife hasn't shown you love... your wife only stays for the comforts you give her - a nice home, financial stability, etc. That is all your wife sees you as.

[Ahurtgirl]

Interesting enough, your OW loved you even knowing you are hugely flawed because she experienced first hand that you are able to cheat on your wife. She loved you unconditionally. She put her heart on the line for you. She even ended her relationship to be with you. Are you that dumb to not realize how dedicated and loyal she was to you in her heart? You are a fool to have let her go. She was the one who would have loved you the way you needed to be loved.

[crushedandlost]

Perhaps the one consolation I seek by posting here is to ask those OW in the forum to console me that my AP may also be missing me like I miss her. This in turn may allow me some peace and hopefully allow me to sleep peacefully for at least one night.

 

Such a heartfelt and moving post. Some like to cast Affairs in black and white but there are oh so many greys.

 

Yes she is missing you, deeply. Take care.

 

Thank you - your compassion towards me was received much like a mouthful of water by a parched dying man..... Thank you.