A MM's story

[elaine567]

Your wife obviously is not in love with you and is not attracted to you.

 

Your OW was in love with you and was very attracted to you.

 

You are a fool to have let your OW go. You will never find someone as dedicated to you as your OW was. She deserves your love. Your wife hasn't shown you love... your wife only stays for the comforts you give her - a nice home, financial stability, etc. That is all your wife sees you as.

 

You have no idea how his wife really feels, nor her motivations, you have no idea how his OW feels either.

YOU are projecting how YOU as an OW felt for your MM and how YOU view your MM's wife, onto this situation. That is highly biased thinking.

 

The OP is more concerned with sex than anything else it appears and is gauging "value" on "boring" sex vs "adventurous" sex.

That is no real gauge of anything.

 

His wife may love the OP truly madly deeply and his OW may have just used the OP to spice up her boring life with her bf.

Who knows?

[jenkins95]

Interesting enough, your OW loved you even knowing you are hugely flawed because she experienced first hand that you are able to cheat on your wife. She loved you unconditionally. She put her heart on the line for you. She even ended her relationship to be with you. Are you that dumb to not realize how dedicated and loyal she was to you in her heart? You are a fool to have let her go. She was the one who would have loved you the way you needed to be loved.

 

Let's not forget that the OW was also "hugely flawed". She cheated on her BF for a loooong time before ending it, and knowingly dated a MM behind his wife's back.

[jenkins95]

Im sorry, you could only speak of yourself and not generalize on what BS want. Open marriage is not the bone of contention here.

 

Perhaps not, but it's almost always a very bad idea that leads to disaster!

[crushedandlost]

There is a lot of projecting going on here by OWs who are in a similar position to the one your OW found herself in with a man who will not leave his wife, but no-one can really say how YOUR OW feels.

Just because some OWs on here are hurting and pining and upset over THEIR MM, does not really mean anything,

 

YOUR OW may be happy and relieved it is all over, she may be regretting "wasting" part of her life with you and she may actually now hate you for stringing her along for so long.

As she had a long term bf and she was also a "cheater", then the "love story" you thought you were in, maybe was just a sham to get her needs met.

Why choose a man to have an affair with who was obviously never going to leave his wife?

Maybe she chose it to be that way so she never really got too involved.

Who knows what she felt or was/is thinking? Only she knows that.

 

She sounded done to me and she has never reached out, so it is over and you need to accept that. The end of a chapter in her life, dump the bf AND the MM, neither are really what she needs, so a new beginning...

 

Many people here are stuck in prolonged "wallowing" that is why they are here but IRL many people just pick themselves up and carry on almost unscathed.

 

She dumped you, and many dumpers just tend to move on and not look back.

Dumpees tend to want to believe that they are part of a big tragedy and that the hurt is split right down the middle and that both are grieving the "loss".

Truth is, the love story for the dumper usually ended quite a while before they decided to split, so by the time of the split they are often "over it".

 

There is no advantage to you in your situation to keep wondering what your OW is thinking, that will keep you stuck and you will end up wallowing in grief for a lot longer than this affair really justifies.

Accept she is gone and decide what you are now going to do with your own life going forward.

She has cleared her decks, time for you to organise your own decks.

 

YOU must always have known that your OW was just a temporary band-aid, so what are you going to do to make your arranged marriage better?

As you seem to be stuck in it for life then you need to figure out ways of making the best of a bad job.

OR

you need to accept you are in a "miserable" marriage, it will never get better and seek ways to end it.

 

 

Thanks Elaine... you are quite right - she may not at all share what i am feeling. As my grief settles, I will hopefully enter the acceptance phase and I am already trying hard to move on with my life. I have not tried to contact her and don't intend to. Perhaps what has made it harder is that we work in the same place and it is not unusual to see her occasionally in the corridors. In the past month she has come up to make small conversation on a couple of occasions. This has tended to push me back. I dont think i have it in me to tell her to stay away but i do think i will try my hardest to avoid any such situation in the future. I dont know how she feels and may be you are right that she has already moved on both mentally and in terms of a new relationship. I dont think i want to truly know about either for it would cause me immeasurable pain. All i am trying to do is to stay away, but at the same time not to do anything which would make me lose respect for myself or which would make her lose respect for me. I have never lied to her. I have never mistreated her so even if love has indeed died perhaps there is still a little respect left (even though i appreciate that most couldnt possibly even contemplate mentioning the words respect and cheater in the same sentence) When all this is over i will need to sit and think of what i need to do in my life to ensure that i dont cause anyone anymore pain in the future.

[crushedandlost]

You have no idea how his wife really feels, nor her motivations, you have no idea how his OW feels either.

YOU are projecting how YOU as an OW felt for your MM and how YOU view your MM's wife, onto this situation. That is highly biased thinking.

 

The OP is more concerned with sex than anything else it appears and is gauging "value" on "boring" sex vs "adventurous" sex.

That is no real gauge of anything.

 

His wife may love the OP truly madly deeply and his OW may have just used the OP to spice up her boring life with her bf.

Who knows?

 

As i look back as to why i had the A, i was faced with asking myself what was wrong in my own relationship. The one objective and non disputable fact i came up with is that in 14 years i have had sex with my wife only a handful of times and not once in perhaps the last 5-6 years.

[wmacbride]

OP,

Please sift through the posts and find what is useful to you, but remember...all of the advice on here will be filtered through our own experiences, and we have all projected our feelings onto others at some point or another, or see in them what we want to believe about our ow situation.

 

No one one on here can say how your wife feels, why she stays with you or anything else. Add to that the idea that you marriage is an arranged one, which , especially if someone responding to your is more familiar with he idea that "love is all you need" may not understand.

 

If love ws enough, then why is the divorce rate so high, why are there so many broken heated people on here and why are there so many books podcasts, advice columns, talk tv and radio shows, marriage counselors, relationship counselors, divorce attorneys, mediators, small claims courts, etc, to help pick up the pieces when "love" falls apart?

 

The answer is simple. While there are cases where love at first sight can last (hell, I've been married for almost 20 years now to a guy who I got "engaged " a day or so after I met him) we woudl never have been able to stay together if we really believed that just "love" is enough, It takes a whole lot more than that, and we got through cycles where we love the each passionately ( like when he just got after being away for over a year) and times when I could throttle him and he could probably do the same to me.

 

You've been married a while now, and it's only to be expected that you will hit patches when you wonder what else is out there. In the end, the one who you really need to be talking to about all of this is your wife. This is her life too, and don't you think she deserves to have some say in it?

 

Also, don't you think it's pretty disingenuous of you to hold it against your wife that you aren't sexual enough with her when she doesn't understand how you feel? She can't read your mind. You need to actually talk to her.

Edited July 21, 2017 by wmacbride

[freengreen]

I dont know if I should feel sad on your affair beacuse you both seem to truly want each other or to think you are actually fooling your wife every single day... you have to realise that you have got no right to just choose a person and keep fooling them.

 

Perfect would be that.. you plead sorry to your wife and let her chose you, or plead sorry to your wife, free her and get together with you AP.

 

It takes a LOT of courage to come clean, to shove off all the excuses and to just put it there.. A LOT but arnt we atleast that sensible?

Edited July 21, 2017 by freengreen

[freengreen]

No grey, only do or do not. Why ones does or doesn't is very black or white. Grey comes from effectively convincing yourself the actions are justified.

This ^

 

I think it is so true!... there is truth and its either the truth we like ( white) or the truth we hate ( black)... to me I had negligible grey area until I met MM and everytime I needed to know the truth my MM said ' isnt there a grey space for you?, I cant answer you!'... Now I think grey is formed when you dont know the truth or when you got no idea if anything is solid as truth or not... For me personally now, I prefer black than grey, atleast its clear that its not there rather than wonder if its there...

 

Sorry for the thread jack ...

[crushedandlost]

I dont know if I should feel sad on your affair beacuse you both seem to truly want each other or to think you are actually fooling your wife every single day... you have to realise that you have got no right to just choose a person and keep fooling them.

 

Perfect would be that.. you plead sorry to your wife and let her chose you, or plead sorry to your wife, free her and get together with you AP.

 

It takes a LOT of courage to come clean, to shove off all the excuses and to just put it there.. A LOT but arnt we atleast that sensible?

 

whilst i appreciate all the advice, it was not really what i came for. i get the importance of being truthful, leading an authentic and transparent life and treating everyone like you'd expect to be treated yourself- i get that:-)

I am sure the majority of people in the world get that. To implement is another matter. We as human beings are flawed and if we weren't there would be no problems in the world and we'd have world peace. I understand i have done wrong and i am paying and will continue to pay the price. I am doing what i need to do which is to walk away and rebuild by seeking help.

 

The reason i came here was to understand how i feel like i do by listening to other people's experiences .....and hopefully by understanding it would allow me to cope better.....

 

For example: i wanted to know from OW as to whether they missed their MM the way i missed my OW

 

Similarly i dont understand why my AP still comes and talks to me at work despite dumping me - surely i would have thought that she should have maintained complete NC...she has stopped calling and texting completely but she still comes to talk to me at work ? why? why doesn't it set her back like it sets me back when we talk?of course i am going to avoid any further situations which allow her to come and talk to me but i still feel the urge to understand her psyche....OW's experiences with this would help me understand better..and hopefully understanding will help me cope...

 

similarly i wanted to ask if it is wrong of me to feel a little upset that i was dumped by text (i have to accept it i know and i am not going to go and ask my AP ever but gaining some understanding from other people who may have done this or been recipients will help me understand and thereby cope)

 

i dont want to sound ungrateful but i have come on here to understand by listening to other peoples (who have experienced similar) experiences rather than for advice on what i should and should not do

[crushedandlost]

heres something else id love to understand;

how does one know if the grief i feel is because of withdrawal from addiction, true love or just a hurt ego...

[Chica80]

heres something else id love to understand;

how does one know if the grief i feel is because of withdrawal from addiction, true love or just a hurt ego...

 

With time and clarity, you will get these answers. Only you will really know the answer to that.

 

As for me personally it was/is love. But that's my experience.

 

As to why she talks to you. It could be she doesnt totally want to let you go. So she talks to you but is trying to keep some semblance of boundaries no talking or texting anymore. That would be my reason.

[freengreen]

whilst i appreciate all the advice, it was not really what i came for. i get the importance of being truthful, leading an authentic and transparent life and treating everyone like you'd expect to be treated yourself- i get that:-)

I am sure the majority of people in the world get that. To implement is another matter. We as human beings are flawed and if we weren't there would be no problems in the world and we'd have world peace. I understand i have done wrong and i am paying and will continue to pay the price. I am doing what i need to do which is to walk away and rebuild by seeking help.

 

The reason i came here was to understand how i feel like i do by listening to other people's experiences .....and hopefully by understanding it would allow me to cope better.....

 

For example: i wanted to know from OW as to whether they missed their MM the way i missed my OW

 

Similarly i dont understand why my AP still comes and talks to me at work despite dumping me - surely i would have thought that she should have maintained complete NC...she has stopped calling and texting completely but she still comes to talk to me at work ? why? why doesn't it set her back like it sets me back when we talk?of course i am going to avoid any further situations which allow her to come and talk to me but i still feel the urge to understand her psyche....OW's experiences with this would help me understand better..and hopefully understanding will help me cope...

 

similarly i wanted to ask if it is wrong of me to feel a little upset that i was dumped by text (i have to accept it i know and i am not going to go and ask my AP ever but gaining some understanding from other people who may have done this or been recipients will help me understand and thereby cope)

 

i dont want to sound ungrateful but i have come on here to understand by listening to other peoples (who have experienced similar) experiences rather than for advice on what i should and should not do

Hm, let me put it this way then.. Crying my eyes out and accepting and owning my &hit to my H was a major thing that helped me move on ( well in my case I loved my other half and was in 'love with my exP but I guess I deep down inspite of horrid misunderstandings, I loved my H a bit more )... However, it might or might not be what you want to hear right now...

 

I know the pain, I know the questions... I know the haywire inside the heart. Give it time and keep that cheeky little monster in your head chained up... time will heal everything. I dint beleive this until it happened to me.

Edited July 21, 2017 by freengreen

[elaine567]

Similarly i dont understand why my AP still comes and talks to me at work despite dumping me - surely i would have thought that she should have maintained complete NC...she has stopped calling and texting completely but she still comes to talk to me at work ? why? why doesn't it set her back like it sets me back when we talk?of course i am going to avoid any further situations which allow her to come and talk to me but i still feel the urge to understand her psyche....

 

Dumpers in general tend to want to be "friends" with the dumpee.

They have all sorts of reasons for doing so, some good and some bad for the dumpee. It mostly stems from the fact they are not that emotionally involved any longer so can quite happily turn the romance into a platonic friendship.

 

Cheaters in general tend to be conflict avoidant, so it is no surprise that your OW who was cheating on her bf for 4 years dumped you by text.

[wmacbride]

Is it possible she dumped you by text because she knew it was the right choice for her, but it was really hard to say this to your face.

[BreakingWave]

Is it possible she dumped you by text because she knew it was the right choice for her, but it was really hard to say this to your face.

 

That's what my xAP did both times. It's still cowardly and disrespectful, but I think that it's this rather than actual malice.

[Doublegold]

Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post

No grey, only do or do not. Why ones does or doesn't is very black or white. Grey comes from effectively convincing yourself the actions are justified.

This ^

 

I think it is so true!... there is truth and its either the truth we like ( white) or the truth we hate ( black)... to me I had negligible grey area until I met MM and everytime I needed to know the truth my MM said ' isnt there a grey space for you?, I cant answer you!'... Now I think grey is formed when you dont know the truth or when you got no idea if anything is solid as truth or not... For me personally now, I prefer black than grey, atleast its clear that its not there rather than wonder if its there...

 

Sorry for the thread jack ...

 

I am having difficulty following your thought pattern, Freengreen. Let me explain my feelings on "Seeing things in Black and White" or "There is only do or not do".

 

Take the words "always" and "never". This illustrates the vocabulary of black and white thinkers. Seeing things only in terms of extremes. Not a great way to live, or an easy standard to hold others to.

 

And then there is grey. The middle. In life we have difficult encounters. When you recongize the spectrum of grey in these experiences, you will be better equipped to banish those extreme thoughts and look at people and experiences in a less rigid way.

 

Now in response to DK, I was responding to the OP on feelings in an affair, not, as you say, looking to justify my affair. I am fine with my affair, thank you. I am sorry you are a betrayed spouse, and hope you can find peace. But your story is not my story, nor is your wives. I gave the OP the answer he asked for.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Doublegold
Punctuation.

[MidnightBlue1980]

heres something else id love to understand;

how does one know if the grief i feel is because of withdrawal from addiction, true love or just a hurt ego...

 

The hurt ego is usually on the side of the person being rejected. I doubt that is the situation for you as you were not really rejected. It was love in its infantile stages, it was an affair, and did not develop as a normal relationship would. I will tell you one thing. It is rare that a woman can end it so cleanly like that and not go back and forth, back and forth, especially seeing you at work. I see the OW here posting how this woman was the one who really loved you but I -don't - know. Her behavior is not typical of an OW. I held on for a really long time, I wish I could have been as strong as your OW. That is why I wonder if she just was with you till she was free and now she wants to move on and meet someone single - which is afterall, her right. But I would not go ending your marriage for her as you don't really know.

 

That being said - people here are posting as if you have a typical marriage. An arranged marriage where you have not have sex in the last 5-6 years? That is not a marriage of the heart. It is a cultural, legal bond. You need to decide what you want. What have you got to lose by telling your wife? Give her a shot to bring the marriage to what is expected in 2017 standards. ahem, sex and intimacy. You don't want a roommate, do you?

[crushedandlost]

The hurt ego is usually on the side of the person being rejected. I doubt that is the situation for you as you were not really rejected. It was love in its infantile stages, it was an affair, and did not develop as a normal relationship would. I will tell you one thing. It is rare that a woman can end it so cleanly like that and not go back and forth, back and forth, especially seeing you at work. I see the OW here posting how this woman was the one who really loved you but I -don't - know. Her behavior is not typical of an OW. I held on for a really long time, I wish I could have been as strong as your OW. That is why I wonder if she just was with you till she was free and now she wants to move on and meet someone single - which is afterall, her right. But I would not go ending your marriage for her as you don't really know.

 

That being said - people here are posting as if you have a typical marriage. An arranged marriage where you have not have sex in the last 5-6 years? That is not a marriage of the heart. It is a cultural, legal bond. You need to decide what you want. What have you got to lose by telling your wife? Give her a shot to bring the marriage to what is expected in 2017 standards. ahem, sex and intimacy. You don't want a roommate, do you?

 

Thank you ....this all helps more than you know. One of the hardest thing is to get an insight into the other persons mind whilst trying one's hardest not to talk to her. Whilst i know that none of you are her, it is also true to say that one can get a good idea by talking to lots of people in the same boat.

 

You know the interesting things about this relatiosnhip/affair were as follows:

 

1) I was the one who was beginning to tire of it..towards the end all i was was a source of emotional support for her whilst she tried to come to terms with breaking up with her bf....we rarely used to meet and the idea of sex with her would fill me with more anxiety than excitement.....the intense excitement phase had died for me.

2) I often thought to myself that i wished she'd end it with me because i felt that'd make it easy...id have little choice to accept. I knew i wasn't courageous enough to tell her to go away

3) She had done the back and forth things a few times before...about 7 months ago she gave me an ultimatum that she needed to move on if i wasn't prepared to leave my W for her and i said i couldnt...she stopped all contact for 4 weeks and then texted me back saying that she was finding it very difficult and we started talking / texting again.

4) This time it feels more permanent because she is now single and wants to have a normal life with a normal single bf again but i am assuming from her texts that she would have contemplated this with me were i single (i mean after her break-up)

 

What i struggle with is why i feel so much grief and heartache for a relationship which i wasn't getting very much from towards the end anyways....maybe it is my ego because i was the one who was unceremoniously dumped (even though truthfully this was what i was hoping for:-)?

 

sometimes i feel i am scared to emotionally let go (i dont think i can do more practically then i am doing) because i wonder if it may be easier than i think and therefore 4 years of investment and what i felt for her at the beginning would be lost forever (in my mind)

 

There is no doubt that if i was in this boat 2-3 years ago, id probably be seriously thinking of exitting my marriage but the last 2 years with my AP have been about just hanging on to each other rather than truly wanting to be with each other.... i was therefore somewhat surprised that she even suggested that she wanted me to leave my wife when she did the NC thing 7 months ago....

 

 

How many of you have been in this boat...where an affair is more something you are sort of hanging on in rather than truly enjoying but you still feel heartbroken when it ends...

[crushedandlost]

The hurt ego is usually on the side of the person being rejected. I doubt that is the situation for you as you were not really rejected. It was love in its infantile stages, it was an affair, and did not develop as a normal relationship would. I will tell you one thing. It is rare that a woman can end it so cleanly like that and not go back and forth, back and forth, especially seeing you at work. I see the OW here posting how this woman was the one who really loved you but I -don't - know. Her behavior is not typical of an OW. I held on for a really long time, I wish I could have been as strong as your OW. That is why I wonder if she just was with you till she was free and now she wants to move on and meet someone single - which is afterall, her right. But I would not go ending your marriage for her as you don't really know.

 

That being said - people here are posting as if you have a typical marriage. An arranged marriage where you have not have sex in the last 5-6 years? That is not a marriage of the heart. It is a cultural, legal bond. You need to decide what you want. What have you got to lose by telling your wife? Give her a shot to bring the marriage to what is expected in 2017 standards. ahem, sex and intimacy. You don't want a roommate, do you?

 

....and another thing, why do i feel jealous of whoever her new partner will be...why do i wish that she would never feel for them as intensely as she felt of me...Why do i wish that my memories haunt her all her life..why do i hope that one day she will come and speak to me and let me ask her how she suddenly became so strong that she could drop me like a hot potato and walk away......(i completely understand the reasons there is no future/ she needed to move on with her life etc but we have known this for many years yet neither of us were strong enough so whats changed)........is this normal for people to think when an affair ends?

[crushedandlost]

The hurt ego is usually on the side of the person being rejected. I doubt that is the situation for you as you were not really rejected. It was love in its infantile stages, it was an affair, and did not develop as a normal relationship would. I will tell you one thing. It is rare that a woman can end it so cleanly like that and not go back and forth, back and forth, especially seeing you at work. I see the OW here posting how this woman was the one who really loved you but I -don't - know. Her behavior is not typical of an OW. I held on for a really long time, I wish I could have been as strong as your OW. That is why I wonder if she just was with you till she was free and now she wants to move on and meet someone single - which is afterall, her right. But I would not go ending your marriage for her as you don't really know.

 

That being said - people here are posting as if you have a typical marriage. An arranged marriage where you have not have sex in the last 5-6 years? That is not a marriage of the heart. It is a cultural, legal bond. You need to decide what you want. What have you got to lose by telling your wife? Give her a shot to bring the marriage to what is expected in 2017 standards. ahem, sex and intimacy. You don't want a roommate, do you?

 

Another question i had was how many OW here managed to get out of the affair and start a new relationship with someone else (single) and how did it feel? Did you still miss the AP... did you ever contemplate contacting them again? All i wish for is clarity.... and i suppose i can ask her but at this point, the only thing i have to keep me sane is that i have gracefully accepted what she said in her text and not contacted her or approached her and i have done the honourable thing...and that is very comforting to me when i am feeling low...and therefore there is no way i can contact her again first...

I am not completely averse to the idea to contemplating a healthy relationship with her if my marriage were indeed to end in the future

[freengreen]

Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post

No grey, only do or do not. Why ones does or doesn't is very black or white. Grey comes from effectively convincing yourself the actions are justified.

 

 

I am having difficulty following your thought pattern, Freengreen. Let me explain my feelings on "Seeing things in Black and White" or "There is only do or not do".

 

Take the words "always" and "never". This illustrates the vocabulary of black and white thinkers. Seeing things only in terms of extremes. Not a great way to live, or an easy standard to hold others to.

 

And then there is grey. The middle. In life we have difficult encounters. When you recongize the spectrum of grey in these experiences, you will be better equipped to banish those extreme thoughts and look at people and experiences in a less rigid way.

 

Now in response to DK, I was responding to the OP on feelings in an affair, not, as you say, looking to justify my affair. I am fine with my affair, thank you. I am sorry you are a betrayed spouse, and hope you can find peace. But your story is not my story, nor is your wives. I gave the OP the answer he asked for.

Doublegold,I totally respect your view and get what you say, most of the people I know say the same .. however,we are all different thinkers. The problem is when we try to get into something we dont understand( you or me).., you dont get being white and black and I ache being in grey. Now, after an A, I know where not to wander because I aint fit for it.

 

And OP, hopefully you will find the answers you are looking for on your AP, folk here went through everything you can expect..

[elaine567]

What i struggle with is why i feel so much grief and heartache for a relationship which i wasn't getting very much from towards the end anyways....maybe it is my ego because i was the one who was unceremoniously dumped (even though truthfully this was what i was hoping for:-)?

 

sometimes i feel i am scared to emotionally let go (i dont think i can do more practically then i am doing) because i wonder if it may be easier than i think and therefore 4 years of investment and what i felt for her at the beginning would be lost forever (in my mind)

 

It is the "end of an era" and that is always sad.

You are now left on your own to deal with your life, your marriage, your wife... The safety net that was your OW has now disappeared and that is a very scary thought. So of course you want to hold onto every last piece of her, to let go means you are totally alone.

 

YOU are also thinking of the "what ifs", the "if onlys", the "buts" and the "maybes", so whilst when the relationship was ongoing you felt it needed to end, now that it has ended, you want what you cannot have.

 

YOU are not going forward to the thought of new people, new experiences, new loves, like your OW is... no, you are going back to life before your OW and that I guess is not a great thought...

Not only are you OWless, but your OW has a great life in front of her for the taking, and that will not sit well with you either.

 

There is great tendency it appears to me for those caught up emotionally in affairs to think of them being everlasting and true love forever, but an affair is JUST a relationship and for whatever reason even the best relationships crash and burn.

YOU were two lost souls grabbing onto each other for support, but now she has healed, she is capable of living life on her own and she doesn't need your support any longer... She now needs a man who is single and does not come with loads of baggage. Even if you left your wife tomorrow, your wife and children do not just disappear, do they?

 

So you are now in "Oh woe is me" mode and will continue to be so until you realise that she was not "the love of your life", but only some woman who wanted out of an unhappy LTR and used you to fill the void, till she plucked up enough courage to dump her bf.

AND

until you figure out what to do with your marriage going forward.

[sophinla]

heres something else id love to understand;

how does one know if the grief i feel is because of withdrawal from addiction, true love or just a hurt ego...

 

This one's easy. The romantic love our brain feels is always an addiction, it's just you and your brain and some chemicals reacting, as have been proven over and over again scientifically. https://www.livescience.com/6695-romantic-love-addiction-researchers.html

 

When you act to materialize a romantic love, that is, when you decide to give your life, your effort, your time, your dignity completely to someone and to live out that love, it becomes true love. All great love stories involved ACTIONS. Duke of windsor gave up his throne to married divorcee Wallis Simpson. Anthony and Cleopatra gave their lives and lost their country for love. Have you ever heard of that great love of a man that slept with a woman and went back to his wife? That's how you tell the difference.

Edited July 22, 2017 by sophinla

[RewindRomancer]

1. Yes, your xAP loves you...loves you dearly. I cried for weeks when my A ended. Trust me, she's shed oceans of tears over you.

 

 

2. She broke up with you by text because she didn't trust herself around you in person. She was afraid her resolve would waver and she would fall back in bed with you. Intellectually, she knows your relationship is going nowhere and she needs to move on with her life. But breaking it off with you and going NC was probably one of the hardest things she's ever done.

 

 

3. She is approaching you at work because she loves you, and she is testing the waters....hoping against irrational hope that maybe things have changed in your life, and you are now ready to leave your marriage. Plus, she wants to see your eyes, hear your voice, smell your cologne....She misses you and she's hurting as much as you are.

[jah526]

OP, since I work with my xAP, I guess I can try to answer some of your questions. He and I attained a level of intimacy through our chats at work that I simply don't have with anyone else, and to be quite honest, I miss that. I miss his company. Maybe your OW feels that, and it's why she continues to talk with you at work.

 

I've been complete NC for over a month now, and I have to say, I do feel much better because of it. I also broke it off over text, mostly because of what RewindRomancer said, that I didn't trust myself around him. After a lot of push-pull periods, I finally couldn't take the pain anymore. I'm not strong, your OW is probably not strong, we're fighting our instincts. But like any addiction, the best way to deal with it is to admit that you have a problem being around whatever it is, and resolve to stay away from it. I finally got to that point. Maybe your OW did too.

 

Disclaimer though - this is only my perspective and there is no way to tell for sure what your OW is feeling or thinking, as Elaine wrote above. Eventually your need to know will subside because it simply won't matter anymore.