A MM's story

[crushedandlost]

1. Yes, your xAP loves you...loves you dearly. I cried for weeks when my A ended. Trust me, she's shed oceans of tears over you.

 

 

2. She broke up with you by text because she didn't trust herself around you in person. She was afraid her resolve would waver and she would fall back in bed with you. Intellectually, she knows your relationship is going nowhere and she needs to move on with her life. But breaking it off with you and going NC was probably one of the hardest things she's ever done.

 

 

3. She is approaching you at work because she loves you, and she is testing the waters....hoping against irrational hope that maybe things have changed in your life, and you are now ready to leave your marriage. Plus, she wants to see your eyes, hear your voice, smell your cologne....She misses you and she's hurting as much as you are.

 

Thank you. This helps me cope.

 

i am 1 month NC now (although she has come and talked to me a couple of times in the interim -the last time was 7 days ago) - i found that each time this simply pushed me back - i hate the idea of pretending to be strangers making idle chit chat:-( .... i am definitely feeling a little better.... i am trying very hard to stop myself for being anywhere where i could bump into her although i have to admit that sometimes i end up hanging around in the corridor or near the lifts hoping that she would bump into me ....its so hard...my brain tells me its the worst thing to do but sometimes the rest of my body doesn't listen)...

 

I feel bad for not being more resolute although i am happy to say that i have never contacted her or even approached her since we broke up (or rather i was dumped by text:-))

 

could i ask you did you AP ever try and make contact with you after you broke up?

[crushedandlost]

OP, since I work with my xAP, I guess I can try to answer some of your questions. He and I attained a level of intimacy through our chats at work that I simply don't have with anyone else, and to be quite honest, I miss that. I miss his company. Maybe your OW feels that, and it's why she continues to talk with you at work.

 

I've been complete NC for over a month now, and I have to say, I do feel much better because of it. I also broke it off over text, mostly because of what RewindRomancer said, that I didn't trust myself around him. After a lot of push-pull periods, I finally couldn't take the pain anymore. I'm not strong, your OW is probably not strong, we're fighting our instincts. But like any addiction, the best way to deal with it is to admit that you have a problem being around whatever it is, and resolve to stay away from it. I finally got to that point. Maybe your OW did too.

 

Disclaimer though - this is only my perspective and there is no way to tell for sure what your OW is feeling or thinking, as Elaine wrote above. Eventually your need to know will subside because it simply won't matter anymore.

 

 

Thank you Jah... this helps.

Could i ask you, has your AP tried to make contact with you since you broke up with him?

[crushedandlost]

This one's easy. The romantic love our brain feels is always an addiction, it's just you and your brain and some chemicals reacting, as have been proven over and over again scientifically. https://www.livescience.com/6695-romantic-love-addiction-researchers.html

 

When you act to materialize a romantic love, that is, when you decide to give your life, your effort, your time, your dignity completely to someone and to live out that love, it becomes true love. All great love stories involved ACTIONS. Duke of windsor gave up his throne to married divorcee Wallis Simpson. Anthony and Cleopatra gave their lives and lost their country for love. Have you ever heard of that great love of a man that slept with a woman and went back to his wife? That's how you tell the difference.

 

The only thing though is perhaps sometimes you find out rather later that you truly loved the person....like Prince Charles and Camilla

[jah526]

Thank you Jah... this helps.

Could i ask you, has your AP tried to make contact with you since you broke up with him?

 

No. I asked him to delete my number and he complied. My situation was different than yours though - he never professed to have any feelings for me. The phone was the only way he was communicating with me, probably because he felt any other way was too risky, so I knew that asking him to delete my number would be the end of it. There have been a couple of (I believe) "smoke signals" as they call it on here, but that's about it.

[BreakingWave]

Another question i had was how many OW here managed to get out of the affair and start a new relationship with someone else (single) and how did it feel? Did you still miss the AP... did you ever contemplate contacting them again? All i wish for is clarity.... and i suppose i can ask her but at this point, the only thing i have to keep me sane is that i have gracefully accepted what she said in her text and not contacted her or approached her and i have done the honourable thing...and that is very comforting to me when i am feeling low...and therefore there is no way i can contact her again first...

I am not completely averse to the idea to contemplating a healthy relationship with her if my marriage were indeed to end in the future

 

CrushedandLost,

 

You, like many of us here, are going to have to understand that nobody can tell you what's in her head except for her. If you're unwilling to ask her, then you'll never know. It's really that simple. I don't understand you saying you've done the "honorable" thing here. It sounds a lot like the line my x-MW gave me about doing the "right" thing when she absolutely broke my heart. It sure didn't feel right at the time.

 

It's like you're saying you don't want your xAP to move on and find love with someone new - you want us to reassure you that she still pines for you (she probably does.) At the same time you say "I'm not completely averse... if my marriage were indeed to end..." yet all you've said this entire time is that your marriage WILL NOT end.

 

You sound so much like all the MW/MM who have broken hearts throughout time that I'm having a hard time being nice here. You need to make a decision and stick with it. It's the back and forth, push and pull, wishy-washy refusal to put both of your feet in one lane or the other that devastates lives. Trying to keep my own personal bias out of this, I promise, but focus outside yourself for a minute. You have all the power in this situation. You will hurt someone no matter what you do - just accept that. Make your choice and live with the positive and negative consequences.

 

It's unacceptable to go back to your marriage and expect your xAP to shut herself away, refusing to date anyone else on the off chance you decide to get a divorce. I've lived months like that and if I found out she secretly *wanted* that for me I would be even more devastated than I already am.

[crushedandlost]

CrushedandLost,

 

You, like many of us here, are going to have to understand that nobody can tell you what's in her head except for her. If you're unwilling to ask her, then you'll never know. It's really that simple. I don't understand you saying you've done the "honorable" thing here. It sounds a lot like the line my x-MW gave me about doing the "right" thing when she absolutely broke my heart. It sure didn't feel right at the time.

 

It's like you're saying you don't want your xAP to move on and find love with someone new - you want us to reassure you that she still pines for you (she probably does.) At the same time you say "I'm not completely averse... if my marriage were indeed to end..." yet all you've said this entire time is that your marriage WILL NOT end.

 

You sound so much like all the MW/MM who have broken hearts throughout time that I'm having a hard time being nice here. You need to make a decision and stick with it. It's the back and forth, push and pull, wishy-washy refusal to put both of your feet in one lane or the other that devastates lives. Trying to keep my own personal bias out of this, I promise, but focus outside yourself for a minute. You have all the power in this situation. You will hurt someone no matter what you do - just accept that. Make your choice and live with the positive and negative consequences.

 

It's unacceptable to go back to your marriage and expect your xAP to shut herself away, refusing to date anyone else on the off chance you decide to get a divorce. I've lived months like that and if I found out she secretly *wanted* that for me I would be even more devastated than I already am.

 

I dont think you quite understand why i post on here...The answer is simply to get by...to get through the day hoping that if i survive today, tomorrow will be another small step in the journey to getting over my grief and sadness:-)

 

I am intelligent enough to realise that noone can tell me whats going on in her head. Even if someone did know, what would i realistically do with that information anyway...the decisions have been made, the deed has happened, and all i need to do is survive and cope till that point when time has healed my wounds. However kind words make it easier. I remember when i lost my gran. I was miserable. However someone said to me that they were sure she was looking over me and feeling proud. The truth is that these were just words.. i know that there is no way to know...but those kind compassionate words made those extremely sad moments pass by...

 

By talking about the 'honourable thing' what i mean is that my AP broke up because she wanted to find her happiness... she hasn't blocked me..she has still left avenues of communication open...and it would take a few nicely worded messages to test her resolve but i promised myself that i would respect her wishes..i would never contact her again and i would never approach her again and i have stuck with this...if i can't offer her happiness then i believe it would be dishonourable to make her question her decision.. a lot of MM would give in and try to get their APs back but i have embraced her decision ....it is bloody hard but i am doing it and i intend to keep doing it.

 

I am not being wishy washy... just because i post my feelings on here as an outlet does not mean that i am sending mixed messages to my AP... i have never contacted her since. But there is such a mix of emotions that i am subjected to ...on a daily basis... the only thing i find helpful is to speak to other people to gain an understanding from their own experiences and this just helps me cope

 

The truth is we all know what the right path is ...we all know that we will be ok when we reach the destination but the journey there is so so hard... and this is where the support and comfort provided by the likes of you can be so comforting...

[crushedandlost]

CrushedandLost,

 

You, like many of us here, are going to have to understand that nobody can tell you what's in her head except for her. If you're unwilling to ask her, then you'll never know. It's really that simple. I don't understand you saying you've done the "honorable" thing here. It sounds a lot like the line my x-MW gave me about doing the "right" thing when she absolutely broke my heart. It sure didn't feel right at the time.

 

It's like you're saying you don't want your xAP to move on and find love with someone new - you want us to reassure you that she still pines for you (she probably does.) At the same time you say "I'm not completely averse... if my marriage were indeed to end..." yet all you've said this entire time is that your marriage WILL NOT end.

 

You sound so much like all the MW/MM who have broken hearts throughout time that I'm having a hard time being nice here. You need to make a decision and stick with it. It's the back and forth, push and pull, wishy-washy refusal to put both of your feet in one lane or the other that devastates lives. Trying to keep my own personal bias out of this, I promise, but focus outside yourself for a minute. You have all the power in this situation. You will hurt someone no matter what you do - just accept that. Make your choice and live with the positive and negative consequences.

 

It's unacceptable to go back to your marriage and expect your xAP to shut herself away, refusing to date anyone else on the off chance you decide to get a divorce. I've lived months like that and if I found out she secretly *wanted* that for me I would be even more devastated than I already am.

 

 

And no i dont want her to love anyone like she loved me.. this may sound awful but i am not at that stage yet where i can be so noble to say otherwise ...but 1) I can't and would never do anything about it 2) I dont intend ever to find out ......... my thoughts are my own and as long as they dont translate into any kind of destructive action, i am not prepared to beat myself about how i feel.

[Chica80]

I dont think you quite understand why i post on here...The answer is simply to get by...to get through the day hoping that if i survive today, tomorrow will be another small step in the journey to getting over my grief and sadness:-)

 

I am intelligent enough to realise that noone can tell me whats going on in her head. Even if someone did know, what would i realistically do with that information anyway...the decisions have been made, the deed has happened, and all i need to do is survive and cope till that point when time has healed my wounds. However kind words make it easier. I remember when i lost my gran. I was miserable. However someone said to me that they were sure she was looking over me and feeling proud. The truth is that these were just words.. i know that there is no way to know...but those kind compassionate words made those extremely sad moments pass by...

 

By talking about the 'honourable thing' what i mean is that my AP broke up because she wanted to find her happiness... she hasn't blocked me..she has still left avenues of communication open...and it would take a few nicely worded messages to test her resolve but i promised myself that i would respect her wishes..i would never contact her again and i would never approach her again and i have stuck with this...if i can't offer her happiness then i believe it would be dishonourable to make her question her decision.. a lot of MM would give in and try to get their APs back but i have embraced her decision ....it is bloody hard but i am doing it and i intend to keep doing it.

 

I am not being wishy washy... just because i post my feelings on here as an outlet does not mean that i am sending mixed messages to my AP... i have never contacted her since. But there is such a mix of emotions that i am subjected to ...on a daily basis... the only thing i find helpful is to speak to other people to gain an understanding from their own experiences and this just helps me cope

 

The truth is we all know what the right path is ...we all know that we will be ok when we reach the destination but the journey there is so so hard... and this is where the support and comfort provided by the likes of you can be so comforting...

 

You will get through. Some days are easier than others. Just remember everyone speaks from their experience their view of A and depending where you sit in the triangle is how it shapes your views.

 

If it helps any. I love my AP very much, truly and deeply. I hoped for a future but yes always knew it would not be that way.

 

Staying NC truly is the best. Feeling thoughts even your perception will change over time.

 

How is counseling going?

[sophinla]

The only thing though is perhaps sometimes you find out rather later that you truly loved the person....like Prince Charles and Camilla

 

So you're saying you love your AP now? That's even easier to solve. Why don't you man up and set both yourself and your wife free, and go pursue the woman you love? That way you are treating both women with honor. What you are doing right now is the opposite. You pick the easiest path for yourself, you are taking both of their love and not returning either. You are hurting and disrespecting both women. Your wife and you rarely have sex, have you consider that maybe she does not love you either? Set her free so she can find a man that loves her and worthy of her love.

 

Be fair and do the honorable thing and treat both women with respect. If you drag this on, you're just a self centered cake eater.

[Chica80]

So you're saying you love your AP now? That's even easier to solve. Why don't you man up and set both yourself and your wife free, and go pursue the woman you love? That way you are treating both women with honor. What you are doing right now is the opposite. You pick the easiest path for yourself, you are taking both of their love and not returning either. You are hurting and disrespecting both women. Your wife and you rarely have sex, have you consider that maybe she does not love you either? Set her free so she can find a man that loves her and worthy of her love.

 

Be fair and do the honorable thing and treat both women with respect. If you drag this on, you're just a self centered cake eater.

 

Not that I disagree with the cake eating part.....but different cultures view love, marraige, comittment differently.

 

We have no idea how his wife views marraige and love. This may be the "norm". The emphasis may not be on romantic "love" but on staying committed to marraige and the family.

They haven't had sex in 5 yrs.

 

OP has decided his comittment to family and children is stronger than anything he may desire. It doesn't lessen the pain any less for anyone I'm sure though...

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

The only thing though is perhaps sometimes you find out rather later that you truly loved the person....like Prince Charles and Camilla

 

True but then even he acted: he risked the wrath of the nation by making her Queen Consort and didn't mind if the people rated them both, he put his ascension of the throne in jeopardy. So not to be bold, your worry is your parents and in-laws. Kind of puts it in perspective right? If you really loved the OW no obstacle would have been too great to overcome.

[sophinla]

True but then even he acted: he risked the wrath of the nation by making her Queen Consort and didn't mind if the people rated them both, he put his ascension of the throne in jeopardy. So not to be bold, your worry is your parents and in-laws. Kind of puts it in perspective right? If you really loved the OW no obstacle would have been too great to overcome.

 

Exactly. Inaction is not something you should romanticize because remember, you have a choice to materialize any love, you just choose not to.

[crushedandlost]

So you're saying you love your AP now? That's even easier to solve. Why don't you man up and set both yourself and your wife free, and go pursue the woman you love? That way you are treating both women with honor. What you are doing right now is the opposite. You pick the easiest path for yourself, you are taking both of their love and not returning either. You are hurting and disrespecting both women. Your wife and you rarely have sex, have you consider that maybe she does not love you either? Set her free so she can find a man that loves her and worthy of her love.

 

Be fair and do the honorable thing and treat both women with respect. If you drag this on, you're just a self centered cake eater.

 

i am not saying anything of the sort..... There seems to be this overwhelming need for people to tell me what i should do...i have never asked for (or care for) this advice....i come on here asking for support....in some ways support can be as simple as someone saying 'i hear what you are saying and i am sorry you are hurting and hopefully it will get better' or 'i was in a similar boat as you and this is how things played out in my case' or 'i was the OW and this is how it felt when i broke up' ...I have done what i need to do... I am not dragging anything out and .and i will happily bear the punishment if my decision making proves wrong. With regards to my wife, if she doesn't love me then that is her problem...she will need to make the hard decisions that i have made and when she is ready to....at this point all i can do is do what feels right for me and that is that i have a duty to fulfil. I am not stringing the OW along...i have respected her decisions and for all i know she is probably getting on with her life in a more satisfying relationship. I wish her well. I dont think anyone can truly say that this is love without the benefit of time and hindsight....it could be simply affair addiction, it could be a hurt ego, it could be missing what you no longer have, it could be all sorts of things ....and how do i know that i wont feel all those things about my wife if she if i left her? I do definitely know i love my kids:-)

[freengreen]

If your wife dosnt love you, its her problem.. If the OW dosnt want you, its your problem.

 

Theres a major flaw in the story. Why waste your feeling of true love staying in the marriage for parents?. Its a pain for you and everyone involved, I am sure your parents wouldnt want you to stay unhappy in a marriage you dont respect. Its very tough for you to go on like this for the rest of the life when you arnt getting what you want...

 

If you stick to NC you will eventually get used to not having your AP. But, the problem here is something else, do you see?. If you leave your circumstances like this, it wont be long that this all will repeat... you dont want that do you?

Edited July 25, 2017 by freengreen

[wmacbride]

I do definitely know i love my kids:-)

 

If you do, then your first priority needs to be ensuring they have a happy home life, and that means sorting things out with your wife, not worrying more about whether or not your ow cares about you.

 

You did the one thing you knew full well risked your children's stable home life, so it's pretty disingenuous to use them as an excuse for cheating on your wife.

 

Whatever you may or may not feel about your wife, she is your children's mother, and if you hurt her, you hurt them.

Edited July 25, 2017 by wmacbride

[sophinla]

I dont think anyone can truly say that this is love without the benefit of time and hindsight...

 

Everyone is different and is certainly entitle to their own feelings, but as a woman, if a man ever needs time and hindsight to decide if his love for me is true, I would ask him to take a hike and never show himself again. You snooze you lose. No woman, or man, or anyone for that matter, should be someone else's backup plan.

 

And as far as coming here for support, IMO, truth is the best support, and truth is relative. I can't support you having an affair if in my truth, that is wrong. I can only support you with what I think is the best way to deal with it. In a way, that may the the best thing about these forums. You get perspective from different people with different life experiences. You learn a lot more from people that are different from you, than people who are similar to you. To me that's tremendously insightful.

Edited July 25, 2017 by sophinla

[Ohmyohmy]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I am an OW(3 1/2years)...we're currently taking a(very painful)break trying to sort things out...it's a very complicated situation. My AP is of a very similar situation to yours. I don't usually post anymore because honestly, I feel kinda pathetic at my inability to let this go. we've tried desperately to back out of our situation repeatedly but we are both weak(and selfish) and we both "use" each other to fill gaps in both our marriages...

 

I'm only posting to you to say that I feel your pain and frustration and confusion as my AP has all the same issues. I am MW with children and after many years I know I don't want to risk harm to our families anymore but I really truly care for him. Mainly we were each other's closest friends and confidants and I'm missing that terribly. He just "got me"...in a way that I've never emotionally connected with another person and to not have that is crushing...I know he's feeling the same but we are trying to give each other space to work on our families(same issues with parental and cultural reasons. And we both love our children too much to think of leaving...

 

Years ago we crossed a line we shouldn't have and now we are paying for it ...

 

Anyway, how do I feel, horrible, I miss him terribly and I'm trying to work on myself so that I don't end up destroying our families. Today half of me prays he'll stay strong and keep NC, half of me checks my phone for his contact every 5 minutes...that's where I am...not sure if that helps you but your post helps me.

 

Best of luck to you

[crushedandlost]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I am an OW(3 1/2years)...we're currently taking a(very painful)break trying to sort things out...it's a very complicated situation. My AP is of a very similar situation to yours. I don't usually post anymore because honestly, I feel kinda pathetic at my inability to let this go. we've tried desperately to back out of our situation repeatedly but we are both weak(and selfish) and we both "use" each other to fill gaps in both our marriages...

 

I'm only posting to you to say that I feel your pain and frustration and confusion as my AP has all the same issues. I am MW with children and after many years I know I don't want to risk harm to our families anymore but I really truly care for him. Mainly we were each other's closest friends and confidants and I'm missing that terribly. He just "got me"...in a way that I've never emotionally connected with another person and to not have that is crushing...I know he's feeling the same but we are trying to give each other space to work on our families(same issues with parental and cultural reasons. And we both love our children too much to think of leaving...

 

Years ago we crossed a line we shouldn't have and now we are paying for it ...

 

Anyway, how do I feel, horrible, I miss him terribly and I'm trying to work on myself so that I don't end up destroying our families. Today half of me prays he'll stay strong and keep NC, half of me checks my phone for his contact every 5 minutes...that's where I am...not sure if that helps you but your post helps me.

 

Best of luck to you

 

 

Your words help more that you can imagine:-) Thank you!! This is exactly the 'support' i need.

 

Its a hard time - a very hard time. Counselling has been really helpful but also it has made me realise that there is something missing in my marriage and it is emotional rather than physical. This is scary because i am sure this will continue to be a big problem, and i will need to address it sooner rather than later. My AP seemed to be able to satisfy that missing part just by her presence .... and now she has gone it feels really raw and i feel very scared.

 

I am happy that i have let my AP go free. I miss her tonnes (absolutely tonnes:-() but i just have to give it time. I plan now to work on my marriage. I am going to be more assertive about my emotional needs. I am going to not try and avoid conflict like i have done. I plan to be more assertive with my parents and her parents. If it works out, great. if it doesn't i will feel a lot better exiting it because then it would be for the right reasons and hopefully based on mutual agreement rather and not because i was trying to cover up the cracks by having an affair.

 

I'd love to keep communicating with you on the forum... your words have helped me a lot. best wishes

[crushedandlost]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I am an OW(3 1/2years)...we're currently taking a(very painful)break trying to sort things out...it's a very complicated situation. My AP is of a very similar situation to yours. I don't usually post anymore because honestly, I feel kinda pathetic at my inability to let this go. we've tried desperately to back out of our situation repeatedly but we are both weak(and selfish) and we both "use" each other to fill gaps in both our marriages...

 

I'm only posting to you to say that I feel your pain and frustration and confusion as my AP has all the same issues. I am MW with children and after many years I know I don't want to risk harm to our families anymore but I really truly care for him. Mainly we were each other's closest friends and confidants and I'm missing that terribly. He just "got me"...in a way that I've never emotionally connected with another person and to not have that is crushing...I know he's feeling the same but we are trying to give each other space to work on our families(same issues with parental and cultural reasons. And we both love our children too much to think of leaving...

 

Years ago we crossed a line we shouldn't have and now we are paying for it ...

 

Anyway, how do I feel, horrible, I miss him terribly and I'm trying to work on myself so that I don't end up destroying our families. Today half of me prays he'll stay strong and keep NC, half of me checks my phone for his contact every 5 minutes...that's where I am...not sure if that helps you but your post helps me.

 

Best of luck to you

 

How long have you been NC?

[BigBlueSky]

Your words help more that you can imagine:-) Thank you!! This is exactly the 'support' i need.

 

Its a hard time - a very hard time. Counselling has been really helpful but also it has made me realise that there is something missing in my marriage and it is emotional rather than physical. This is scary because i am sure this will continue to be a big problem, and i will need to address it sooner rather than later. My AP seemed to be able to satisfy that missing part just by her presence .... and now she has gone it feels really raw and i feel very scared.

 

I am happy that i have let my AP go free. I miss her tonnes (absolutely tonnes:-() but i just have to give it time. I plan now to work on my marriage. I am going to be more assertive about my emotional needs. I am going to not try and avoid conflict like i have done. I plan to be more assertive with my parents and her parents. If it works out, great. if it doesn't i will feel a lot better exiting it because then it would be for the right reasons and hopefully based on mutual agreement rather and not because i was trying to cover up the cracks by having an affair.

 

I'd love to keep communicating with you on the forum... your words have helped me a lot. best wishes

 

I'm glad that going to counselling has made you aware that there are emotional deficits in your marriage and that you are willing to start working on these things. And you're right that is a very difficult thing to face and to do. The easier answer would be to run to your AP to try hide from your marriage and make yourself feel better. But in the long run, that will just cause much more destruction in your life, in your family's life and in your AP's.

 

I'm a MW and OW and I'm trying to stop the A for good and to work on my marriage. It isn't easy, especially when you've formed strong bonds with another person. I'm realizing that, like you, I've used him to fill in gaps in myself and in my marriage and that has been so wrong of me to do. Not to say that I don't care about him, because I truly do, but I've needed to do a lot of self-reflection to figure out why I stepped into this mess in the first place and why I continue to do so. I know that if I continue, that I will further drive a wedge into my marriage and hurt a lot of people that I love very much. I also know that I will continue to lose pieces of myself each day that I am in this. I am trying to slowly step away and detach. It is hard and it hurts. But it is nothing compared to the heartache his and my family would feel if they ever found out.

 

Best wishes to you.... I know it's hard. But keep walking forward and do what is right. Work on your marriage so that it has the potential to be a great one. You don't have be stuck forever.

[Midlifecrisis1]

As a MW and OW, my experience says that she is missing you terribly and thinking of you every day. In just 5 weeks of no contact, I would highly doubt that she is moving on just fine.

 

my AP, who is also married with kids the same age as mine, pulled away from me about a year ago. he did it out of fear that i would hurt him and anxiety he was feeling. i spun into a deep depression. couldn't get myself out of bed other than to drop kids off at school. cried all day. therapy 2x per week. eventually antidepressants. i told dh i was so unhappy with our marriage and he actually stepped up and really worked on things and things have been pretty good! then 8 months later...AP comes back. turns out he has been crying over me every day for 8 months. miserable in his life. and guess what...i fell back into it. but it was never the same. i kept my heart in check and never really allowed myself to be vulnerable to him again. my relationship with my husband is decent and that hurt the AP. I never had confidence that he wouldn't run scared again.

 

a few weeks ago, after 3 months back with him (but not like it was the first time around), he pulled away and ran scared again. i'm glad i never let myself get too invested this time around.

 

but as an OW, I can tell you that i think of him all the time. even though i know it's best that it's over, i still wish he had wanted to be with me enough to fight for it. i did love him. i still care for him. i still dream of a future one day where we are together and it's all love and affection...but that's never going to happen. i think your feelings are a combination of everything you've said...affair addiction withdrawal (sooooo painful), ego, true feelings for the AP, dissatisfaction with your marriage. and i'm sure she is missing you terribly.