Friend's romance hurts me

[Chipmonk]

This is about a friend, I'll call her Amy...

 

First, the romantic angle. When I met her ten months ago, I came down with a mild crush... she started dating someone else a month later, I told her about this crush and dropped it completely within a few weeks. Eight months ago, I'm not interested anymore, realized she's too fundamentally different and those differences bug me too much (mostly having to do with her being foreign, very different culture).

 

She's been one of my better friends this most recent year. If I've needed to vent about someone or something, she'll listen and calm me down. I've pushed her through a crush or two, finally getting her to talk to the guy instead of waiting for him to do something (he wouldn't). I don't trust her completely though - she's something of a gossip, and I don't have quite enough faith to trust some things to her, because I fear she'd let them slip in a way I find painful, largely because she doesn't really understand how painful I find those things. But when something is on my mind, she's been the first person I turn to.

 

Here's where the troubles are. Background: I've never had a girlfriend, nor a serious nor casual relationship. I'm trying to change this, don't see any particular reason why there isn't anything, except that I haven't been working at it that long and I am probably a bit picky. But the TROUBLES are twofold:

 

1) She spent four weeks living with my roommate and I (yes, I offered this back during the school year) between graduation and a short-term job and her travel home (around the world). A week into this, my roommate told her he wanted to ask her out a long time ago, this kinda freaked her out... but two weeks into this, the two of them stayed up all night making out. As in, he went to work the next day with a hinckey. No drugs or sex involved, just making out. The last two weeks, they stayed up many nights, broke up and got back together once; she's making international phone calls while at home, this looks kinda serious. Problem is, I really want a relationship, bad. And watching one take shape in front of me has been most unpleasant. I've told them, several times, to please keep it as much out of sight as much as possible - I honestly think the two of them go well together, it's watching it that makes me hate my own life. Asking them to keep it out of sight works for a day or so... then the two lovebirds are at it again. It's coming in the door and seeing them intertwined on the couch... it's the roommate and I cooking then she comes up and nuzzles him whispering in his ear two feet away from me ... and it's feeling that I'd give my eyeteeth for someone to do that to me. Amy senses that she is alienating me, is apologetic, but any time I try to hang out with her she either invites the roommate along or keeps mentioning him, which is yet another painful reminder of my own lack of success to me.

 

2) One of her friends came over to visit, told Amy that she thought I was kinda cute... I told Amy that I didn't find this friend very attractive, but that I would go on a date, once, to give her a chance. Amy spent the next week dropping hint after hint... "so when are you going to ask her out?" "It'll be so cool, you and she and [roommate] and I can double date!" "I think she likes you!" The date ultimately happened, and while she's an interesting person, I find her completely unattractive; according to Amy, she didn't find much attraction either. I appreciate that Amy's the first friend who has tried to make a difference in my love life by pointing out one of her friends, but for her to steamroll over all my objections and pressure me that much to like her friend when I just don't feel it... I feel like I won the booby-prize, and don't appreciate it. And I find it difficult to say "thanks for the effort, but it was completely useless, it's quite obvious you didn't try very hard at all" when she's patting herself on the back for being so helpful.

 

Dunno what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm just venting. Okay, here's a question: should I just swallow this, realize she's gone for two months and she won't be staying here again so it won't bother me so much? Or do I really need to tell her all this to prevent it from poisening our friendship?

[loony]

Are you sure you don't have feelings for Amy anymore? Where is she from?

 

To 1):

 

I'm not sure what you can do here except for moving out. Maybe that's not such a bad idea. If you continue to hang around her you're not getting anywhere in your quest for a girlfriend. Cut off contact with her, she's distracting you way too much.

 

To 2):

 

Be more firm next time and when she insists that you date one of her friend tell her that you're not interested in her friend and that you would appreciate it if she let you make your own decisions. She's pushing around because you're way too nice. That's unhealthy. It will remind you that you're not even able to get a date alone. Tell her to mind her own business.

 

I tried matchmaking with two once and I swear, NEVER, EVER again. It just means a lot of trouble. May people stay single till they rot in hell.

[Chipmonk]

Are you sure you don't have feelings for Amy anymore? Where is she from?

Quite sure, she was my next-door neighbor all year. From India (and yes, "Amy" is a cover for a pretty unique name). I still think she's one of the more beautiful people I've met, but as I got to know her, I've realized she's on the "needy" end in romantic relationships - needs lots of attention, gets distraught if he doesn't talk to her in a week. I'm ... very much on the independent end of the spectrum. That's partly why I'm in favor of her dating my roommate - he's naturally very communicative and effusive, and they go very well together. (Too well ... neither gets enough sleep, but neither is willing to take a stand and call it a night...)

 

To 1):

 

I'm not sure what you can do here except for moving out. Maybe that's not such a bad idea. If you continue to hang around her you're not getting anywhere in your quest for a girlfriend. Cut off contact with her, she's distracting you way too much.

Sorry, misstated. She's not coming back to this apartment - in two months, she'll move back to the area (~4 miles away), but not here. And as far as I'm concerned, my roommate has a car and is quite capable of visiting her at HER place. I know this will offend her, she thinks hanging out with her guy and her friend is the greatest thing ever.

 

To 2):

 

Be more firm next time and when she insists that you date one of her friend tell her that you're not interested in her friend and that you would appreciate it if she let you make your own decisions. She's pushing around because you're way too nice. That's unhealthy. It will remind you that you're not even able to get a date alone. Tell her to mind her own business.

Alas, I'm da** happy that she tried setting this one up. Lots of people I know, I ask how they met the person they're dating, they say it was through a friend who introduced the two of them ... my friends aren't doing this, and I've told them on occasion that I'd like them to. This is the first time anyone's tried to set me up, and I think it's a very positive development. I'm more bothered that she seems to expect me to like the first person she finds, if her attitude were simply "okay I'll look again" I wouldn't complain at all.