Considering Divorce. Have questions!

[Cuocokal]

This might be long. Its been a hard and confusing time for me lately. Ive been married for 5 years. Been together with my husband for 6 years. A month before we got married I saw he kept turning his phone to the side like he was trying to hide something.

 

So I looked through his phone when he was sleeping and saw he was on a website talking to other woman and calling them beautiful telling them theyre godesses. And I woke him up. And we talked about it. I was so hurt. Kept crying. He said it wasnt him. It was a game on a website. Im not an idiot. I know that wasnt the case. He said hed get off the site. And I forgave him. A year later I saw him being sneaky again. I looked through his phone saw he had a secret yahoo account and he was talking to men.

 

I confronted him and he said it wasnt him. His email got hacked. Haha. A few months later I saw him on the website he was on first again and talking to girls. And I confronted him again. Again he said it wasnt him. Then the next year talking to men again when he worked out of state. And again it wasnt him. And I keep forgiving him. Cause I honestly never thought anything would ever happen. Every year weve been married Ive caught him talking to people on a website and having secret emails. And last November it got worse. He pulled away hard and quick. Barely spoke to me for months.

 

In November he said he had to go out of state for a weekend for work. Meanwhile I had a feeling he was lying and he lied about how much he made that week on his check. So I think he just left and paud for the hotel himself. So it got bad. He had an attitude towards me for no reason. And in January of this year I started looking up how to get divorced in the state Im in. I was beyond depressed crhing all day and night. Then in February he asked if Id leave for 2 weeks so he can have time to himself to get his head straight. And I did. I came back things were okay.

 

And 2 weeks after I came back I saw 2 apps he was hiding in the phone where he was sexting a woman and talking to another woman. Calling her babe. That hurt and still does. Ever since November when things got bad I cant get over it. Its all I think about. And last month I saw he had another secret email. I went in it and found out he did cheat on me in November with a man. And since I obviously knew he was bi and he wont admit it. I always thought Id be okay with it because I cant give him what a man can.

 

But I would absolutely leave him if it were a woman. And now that I know I still hurt. Cause he still cheated and he still wont admit it. I confronted him and he said he didnt cheat. But it clearly says he did. And he said he only talked to guys for a thrill. And he said he would delete the account and never do it again. And once again I beleieved him. And what else happened. You guessed it. I found another secret email 2 weeks ago. And Ive been on it. And he cheated on me with a man again last Wednesday.

 

And he lied to me about where he was like it was nothing to my face. I feel like I deserve a better husband. I hate saying it. I love my husband. But I cant deal with all of this cheating. It really hurts. I feel like I deserve a husband who truly loves me. Its so depressing. I havent confronted him about this last one cause Im sick of it. Every day that goes by I want to leave more and more since January. When hes at work and I think about it I want to leave and I have all the courage. But then when hes home and I see him I just love him.

 

And hes cutie with me now. And it just pops in my head like hes cheating. And I look at him in disgust and I want to leave. Cause whats to stop him from thinking I get away with cheating on her with men let me try cheating with a woman. You know. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?? And what did you do?? I just dont know what to do anymore.

 

I want to leave cause all Im doing is getting hurt and I cant even trust my own husband. But I love him so much I really cant go. Its hard. And Im just confused.

Edited July 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

You need to leave. This is not love, this is a very unhealthy, codependent relationship. I'm sorry.

 

Gather your courage up, and form a plan. Talk to a lawyer. Best, to ask him to leave the house. Find a counsellor or a family member who can help you and support you.

 

You deserve more than what you are getting in your marriage. Your husband's cheating is destroying you. The warning signs were there before you met him, and you ignored them "because you love him." But he doesn't love you - if he did, he would be a serial cheater. How many more years of your life are you going to spend with a man who doesn't love or respect you?

 

I'm so sorry, I know that it's hard and it hurts. But, you need to leave this unhealthy marriage before it destroys you.

[stillafool]

You need to move out today. Your husband is never going to stop cheating as he is a sex addict. I don't know why you don't have a problem with him having sex with men as he can bring all kinds of diseases home to you plus you will never be able to compete with the sex 2 men have together. This man does not love or respect you. Love is not enough of an excuse to stay with your low life husband. Find some self esteem and file for divorce.

[Cuocokal]

I completely agree with both of you. I dont think he loves me anymore. Not in love with me anyway. And honestly I do care about him being with men. Once I found out it happened I was thinking hes clearly not thinking about me. Cause he can bring a disease back and give it to me. I see he asks the guys hes with if they have condoms cause he has a wife he doesnt wanna give me anything. And they all have condoms cause theyre married too. I tell him sometimes I dont think he loves me and he gets mad. I really go back and forth with my feelings. Sometimes I think hes happy with me. I havent truly been happy for months. Maybe I do have low self esteem cause I cant bring myself to divorce him. It honestly might be a while before I can bring myself to do anything. Cause I still wanna try to make it work. I cant help it. He was going to therapy. Only a few sessions and the therapist told him to say I want a divorce out loud like he was talking to me. And he said he couldnt do it cause he doesnt want a divorce. I dont either. But like now hes at work and Im thinking yeah its gonna happen. Ill most likely be getting a divorce soon. But I know when I see him tonight. Ill semi forget about that thought and just wanna be with him. I cant explain it. I mean I know were super codependent. Were always together. We go nowhere without eachother. Unless hes at work. Im just attached and I know it. Its gonna be hard to seperate from him. And Im not gonna lie to myself. I know its gonna take a while. Probably a long while. And no I dont like being hurt and all of that. I need a major life change. I feel like I need everything in my life to change. I realize this is what I want. I just dont know where to start. I dont know. Itll just take time for me.

[BaileyB]

Well, there is not much that anyone can say then... If you are planning to stay with this man. You should consider counselling for yourself or go to a women's crisis centre to get some counselling.

 

He will continue to cheat on you, because you allow it. You put yourself at risk of STDs - sex with men is very risky, even with condoms. And the situation, will continue to erode your confidence and your happiness because you chose to stay with a man who betrays you.

 

I think the best advice I can offer is don't have children, if you haven't already. This marriage is likely to end in divorce and even if it doesn't, you will be bringing children into a very unhappy and unhealthy situation.

[PegNosePete]

I mean I know were super codependent. Were always together. We go nowhere without eachother.

Apart from in February when he asked you to leave your own house for 2 weeks so he could have sex with men in your marital bed?

 

I just dont know where to start.

See a lawyer.

[Cuocokal]

Divorce will never be off my mind. Like I said I just need the courage. And we dont have kids. I cant have children. And he most likely did do something when I was gone in February. Trust me. Youre all right and I agree. But even now doing this I feel stressed out like Im going behind his back doing something wrong. And I know. He clearly doesnt care about doing wrong to me. I came here for advice and Im getting it. And I appreciate it. I just dont wanna be without him. I dont wanna be with anyone else. I know people might talk smack. It just might take me time. And this is helping.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Divorce will never be off my mind. Like I said I just need the courage. And we dont have kids. I cant have children. And he most likely did do something when I was gone in February. Trust me. Youre all right and I agree. But even now doing this I feel stressed out like Im going behind his back doing something wrong. And I know. He clearly doesnt care about doing wrong to me. I came here for advice and Im getting it. And I appreciate it. I just dont wanna be without him. I dont wanna be with anyone else. I know people might talk smack. It just might take me time. And this is helping.

 

There is absolutely no doubt you need to leave this relationship. Do you have local friends and/or family to confide in? You need support outside of your relationship to help you move along towards divorce.

 

Where did you go during the 2-weeks of R&R you gave your husband?

[stillafool]

No therapist is going to be able to stop your husband's desire to have sex with men. Don't waste your money trying.

[BaileyB]

Apart from in February when he asked you to leave your own house for 2 weeks so he could have sex with men in your marital bed?

 

Yikes! To be honest, I have absolutely no idea how any self respecting woman could stay... Unhealthy, codependent relationship doesn't even begin to explain it...

[Cuocokal]

I do have family. Ive told my sister but not everything. And my brothers ex girlfriend knows everything. My sister says shes has no place to talk because of her relationship with her boyfriend. And my brothers ex helps as much as she can. As in just says what she thinks. Shes glad I found this site. And I went to my parents house for 2 weeks. My family just knows he needed time to himself thats it. They dont know the reason. Also he was my first boyfriend and hes my first love. Its just hard thinking of letting him go.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I do have family. Ive told my sister but not everything. And my brothers ex girlfriend knows everything. My sister says shes has no place to talk because of her relationship with her boyfriend. And my brothers ex helps as much as she can. As in just says what she thinks. Shes glad I found this site. And I went to my parents house for 2 weeks. My family just knows he needed time to himself thats it. They dont know the reason. Also he was my first boyfriend and hes my first love. Its just hard thinking of letting him go.

 

Good. Having family/friends will be crucial in your transition away from this guy. What do your family members/friends feel/say? Do they support you leaving? Especially your brother's ex?

 

How old are you?

[Cuocokal]

My sister supports me leaving if I want to. And my brothers ex definitely does. She always tells me I deserve better. She wishes things were better for me. And Im 32. My husbands 29. I got a boyfriend late in life. I was 26. And we got married when I was 27 and he was 23.

[Calmandfocused]

Crikey! You picked a right winner there hey?

 

Firstly, I'll point out that him being bi sexual, highly sexed and thrill seeking does not give him permission to treat you the way he's treating you. He's disrespecting you and disrespecting your marriage. But what I'm going to say next isn't perhaps what you want to hear:

 

Your allowing this mistreatment of you to continue. Every time you forgive him the message you're giving him is "yeah, sleep with as many men/ women in my bed as you like. Treat me like garbage and I'll still love you and take you back".

 

You need to give him a different message, one that demands respect and fedelity. Put down your boundaries and stick to them.

 

I don't think his behaviour will change but your responses to him need to.

[Cuocokal]

Youre absolutely right. I do need to change my responses towards him. But Im definitely attached to him. So its hard. Like Im not in the mood for him right now. And he just came home from work saying Im giving him an attitude and he wants me to be cutie and not stiff. Because Im being super blah right now. And he can tell somethings been on my mind lately cause Ive been snappy with him easily and he just asked me whats on your mind. And I just couldnt bring myself to tell him. It always takes me a while to get it out.

[PegNosePete]

My family just knows he needed time to himself thats it. They dont know the reason.

Why didn't you tell them the full truth?

 

I think, because you know what they will say. The same as we've all said here.

 

You should tell them. They are your biggest and best resource and helpline. Your family will stick with you and always be on your side, no matter what. It's OK to lean on them when you have a crisis. I am sure you'd do the same for them any day!

[Amas5750]

Darling, whether your perception allows you to see it or not- you deserve better.

Without any doubt.

I know you love him. I love my

[Amas5750]

Darling, whether your perception allows you to see it or not- you deserve better.

Without any doubt.

I know you love him. I love my now ex.

 

But his actions werent loving to me. He said he loved me but his actiobs showed that it mustnt have been deep love

 

 

God. I know it hurts.

 

Take a real deep, peaceful breath.

 

There are ppl on here that will support you

[TeCHer]

First let me say that I am so sorry you are in this situation. The easy access of the internet is causing more and more people to struggle with sex addiction. He is obviously not making long-term effort to get help and change. It is hard to leave. Because of that you may want to consider beginning to make plans on where you are going to go and how you are going to support yourself and separate completely-with no contact. Cold turkey.

 

You need a support group to help give you strength. You might want to look into a local church's Celebrate Recovery program. I wish you would consider personal counseling and reading the book Boundaries. I want to tell you that God loves you and you are valuable-no matter what your husband has made you think of feel. You deserve to be safe and secure.