bewilderedlove Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I've never posted on a site like this before, but lately I've been feeling like I need an outlet and somewhere or someone to vent to. I've been feeling a whirlwind of emotions after the breakup nearly a year ago and then last week finding out my ex gf is 4/5 months pregnant with another guy. I can only assume it's something she didn't plan as the two aren't together and he is just a bum in general. It's hit me hard and caught me completely off guard as it was the last thing I was expecting. I'd appreciate some help as I'm really not sure how to process or deal with this as I still feel like I have love for this girl... Some background for better understanding - we were together for nearly 10 years until we broke up last September. I'm now 26 and she is 24, so we basically grew up together. We started off as best friends before getting together a year or so later and in all honesty our relationship was great. We hardly ever argued and loved each other very much (or so it seemed!). There was however one reoccurring issue - we were both of different beliefs and would argue about how to raise our children etc. when that day came. Neither of us were willing to compromise on these beliefs and for many years it was swept under the carpet so we could continue being with each other - until it became too much of an issue to ignore. This ultimately lead her to break things up with me regardless of the love between us. It is something I understand and cannot really argue with, but nonetheless it still hurt like a mother****er. She broke things off almost out of nowhere, I really wasn't expecting it. To make it worse (or better?) she went completely silent on me, literally went from 24/7 us to just zero. I guess this was her way of coping and moving on, but it kind of made me resent her and think how could she do this etc all the normal feelings. Any this was 10/11 months ago....over time the hurt started to fade although the hurt would creep back in every other day and I'd wonder how she is etc. Then a week ago a mutual friend said they had to tell me something and they dropped the bombshell - that she is 4/5 months pregnant. The guy she is pregnant with is someone who was in the picture when we were together, they were friends and I trusted her when she told me there was nothing more between them. Now I have no idea whether she was lying and was unfaithful, or if he just saw our breakup as an opportunity. I'd like to believe the latter as the guy is a bum and I wouldn't put manipulation past him at all. I was told they're not together although I don't know for sure what the situation is. The whole thing has just knocked me back. Sometimes it feels like a further twist of the knife, but other times it feels like a blessing that will finally allow me to let go. I'd really like to have a conversation with her but our mutual friend has told me now that she knows that I know, she doesn't want to talk to me as she feels there's nothing more to be said. That just feels like a further kick in the face, as I have unanswered questions. I've thought about getting in touch with maybe her mother or sister to ask them how this happened, but I'm just really not sure what to do/think and would really appreciate any help/advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I'd really like to have a conversation with her but our mutual friend has told me now that she knows that I know, she doesn't want to talk to me as she feels there's nothing more to be said. That just feels like a further kick in the face, as I have unanswered questions. I've thought about getting in touch with maybe her mother or sister to ask them how this happened, but I'm just really not sure what to do/think and would really appreciate any help/advice... She is doing you a favor. There is no need to meet and talk. You need to stop receiving information about what she's doing and start moving on with your life. There are no answers for your questions just the acceptance that the relationship has ended and that you should focus on the next phase in your life. Even if she gave you answers, it may not even be the truth and it will not change the situation. Seeking answers is a futile effort. Please do not contact her sister or mother. You need to move on. You need to find way to cope, manage and process your pain and disappointments without having to include her or members of her family. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Greenhawk84 Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I've never posted on a site like this before, but lately I've been feeling like I need an outlet and somewhere or someone to vent to. I've been feeling a whirlwind of emotions after the breakup nearly a year ago and then last week finding out my ex gf is 4/5 months pregnant with another guy. we were together for nearly 10 years until we broke up last September.... Wow man, 10 years. You have no idea what it is like to date around or go through this process. I personally cannot relate very well to you here, because most of my relationships barely made it 1 year. You have spent a great deal of time with her. You have to understand this new page of your life has to be written and she is now permanently out of your reach. Her getting pregnant isn't wrong of her in terms of you feel. I can imagine it hurts like all living hell but this is very much out of your control. You will feel like hell for a while but realize how young you are and how much FUN there can be had. You do not have kids and should be free to explore! How a couple raises children is pretty important and could ultimately demolish a relationship. I can see why the breakup happened, although I suspect she was involved with this new guy, and that's another way she was able to break away from you. Grieve this loss and try to look ahead. Time is on your side. Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 There is really nothing you need to know and she doesn't want to talk. You had opposing belief systems that neither was going to budge on so this relationship would have ended eventually anyway. 10 years is a long time, you basically grew up together. I know it stings but it is done. She has not reached out or tried to contact you and yes, the likelihood that they had both already overstepped the friend boundary while you were together is high. Contacting mom or sister is a really bad idea and a massive overstepping of boundaries. What she is or isn't doing is really none of your business. Stay nc, tell friends to keep you out of the rumor mill. Ignorance truly is bliss in situations like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 You need to get out and stop all contact with her or her family and stay uninvolved. It's no longer your business. I'm sorry it's hurtful, but anyone who has sex, there's a chance of getting pregnant. Stay busy being social and doing fun activities on your own as well and just refocus your life. I'm sorry you're hurting, but this is a dead end. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Dude, big mistake to push any further. I would go as far as informing your friends you don't want to hear another word. I was dumped the same time by my ex of 7 years (we are in our 40s) and I know it can still hurt. Mine could be pregnant but I'll never know as I've cut her out of my life. Your ex is in for a world of misery and eventually will be dating as a single mom - not a fun place to be in your 20s. She'll have to live with this decision the rest of her life. You, on the other hand, are free to explore any woman you want unfettered. You're young....you have no idea of the importance of that until you are older. Trust me, this will hurt for a while but eventually you'll thank whatever god you believe in that she's no longer in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
hcedrick Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Man, I feel bad for you son... 10 years... My situation is half that, 5 years but . . . if I had to learn that she got pregnant right after with the other dude...man I'd be nuts...and it might happen soon too! Hell... I feel sorry for you...Women are crazy sometimes... out of a 10 year relationship then gets pregnant right after...what the ****... Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Get in touch with her mother or sister? Don't. Do. That. It's weak and suggests you feel that you have some say over her sexual and reproductive life. You don't. Never did. Some men get caught up in the idea of MY girlfriend, MY fiancée, or MY wife. She never was yours. She was a woman you were in a relationship with. And what she chooses to do sexually - with you or without you - is simply her decision. Not something done to you. You have to recognize whatever attachment or expectation you have toward her in that area is illusory. Not real. You have no ownership or control. Never did. So, let it go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Go completely dark if you haven't and stay far away from this. Her family too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 The way I see it, you came out on top of this situation. She did you a huge favor and getting pregnant by someone she said she was just friends with, and who you know is a bum would be the icing on the cake for me to move on. You don't have any ties to her and I wouldn't try to make/keep any. Sure 10 years is a long time and a lot of memories to overcome, but think about how this other guy will now always be apart of her life because they have a child together. Not a situation you want to put yourself back into, even if she was open to it. Count your blessings and move on with someone that you can have a fulfilling relationship with. And oh yeah, don't reach out...to her or her family. And don't talk about her with mutual friends. That chapter is over, time to start writing the next one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bewilderedlove Posted July 23, 2017 Author Share Posted July 23, 2017 Hey guys, apologies for the delayed response - but thank you all for your replies. It really is appreciated and honestly does help just hearing the perspective of people outside the situation. The reason I posted on here was simply because I was feeling so up and down about the whole situation, not really knowing what to think or how to feel. Obviously I know from the moment we broke up what she done with her life was none of my concern - but it's difficult to switch off and stop caring about someone you've spent so many years with. And as much as it's been so difficult to let go of the emotional attachment, in all honesty since the breakup I've been doing everything I can productive to moving on - been focusing on work and smashing it, going to the gym regularly, traveled to 6 different places around the world this year alone, I've even been seeing another girl recently who is great and has helped me move on a lot. Obviously I don't want to hear about my ex and her life and don't purposely put myself in that position, but sometimes it's unavoidable especially in this short time frame. That is probably what made hearing it such a massive shock. I mean this time last year we were 'in love' on vacation together planning the rest of our lives together. If someone had told me 'in a years time she'll be pregs with another mans baby' I would have laughed and told them never in a million years lol. And it just sucks that now people are starting to find out the first thing they assume is that the baby is mine, and when they ask me I have to say no it's not mine...but I guess it is part of life. And I hear what you're all saying about not getting in touch with her or her family, I know it won't bring any remedy to the hurt I'm feeling inside. It was only a thought as her family were also like mine, especially her mum who loved me like a son and was in tears when we broke up. I don't even really know what I'd even say or want to hear from them...but I haven't got in touch so hopefully that urge will just pass. This life really is crazy, and I've read a few other posts on this forum of people in similar situations which really does help to stop thinking 'why me' etc. I guess what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right?! Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 This would hurt like hell but here's another way to look at this. She's pregnant and no longer wth this guy right? She's a single mum being a single mum is hard plus her dating prospects for the future have just become a lot more challenging. I wouldn't date a single mom again it's very hard on many levels. She made her bed let her now lye in it. I know it hurts dude it would learning about something like this but be assured her life aint gonna be a blessingood from this the dad's gone. She's now on her own to bring up the child. I guess she may her family for support but believe me its not easy being a single mom or dad I saw it and experienced it 1st hand Link to post Share on other sites
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