What am I doing wrong? [OLD]

[Cookiesandough]

Thank you guys!!!

lol gaeta at that story.

Unfortunately, every time I've went outside my type(which I'm good at discerning) I end up on 1 or 2 dates and then having to explain what happened when things seemed to be going well.'. . . Uh, I was hoping I'd convince myself I was attracted to you?' That's not fair because men often insist to pay. More importantly, he could actually be on a date with a woman who's into Him. I, like pretty much everyone else, will have to compromise on smaller things. But type? Cannot do.

 

I'm not looking for a doctor or lawyer in a male model in package. Where'd you get that? I have a much easier time attracting that than my type. And a little doubt with women is attractive. I don't think wanting a guy to ask me out without being hinted was asking for him to have 'game'. Case in point: I've asked guy's out when I've have various levels of interest and I have 0 game and almost nonexistent experience

 

There are guys who fit your criteria. Cooksie..

 

The problem is that it sounds like you are fishing for sharks in a kiddie pool...no disrespect to anyone, but that's likely the extent of it.....

 

Guys at the top(or even slightly below) of the food chain(assuming that's what you are looking for-I didn't read the whole thread, just judging by the last few responses) don't really need to bother with that...Truth is most have quality women around them, many chirping in their ear even if they are in a committed relationship...The competition at that point is incredibly fierce...

 

And I respectfully disagree with the statement that desirable and high quality guys need to date and sleep around to get confident with women ...That just doesn't make much sense...If you think about it, its like saying a guy with a money tree in the yard, now has to go out and learn/ figure out how to make money....

 

If you were my sister, Id tell you to stick to your plan..Some people have a pretty rigid type and some just don't really care as much.....Don't just go out with a pile of frogs hoping one will turn into the Prince.I guess that's not terrible advice, its just probably not that likely to be wind up being what you really want...The fact that this hasn't worked for you bears that out, I suppose..If you feel strongly enough about yourself and what you bring to the table, its going to happen for you... but maybe you need to really understand what it is that you want ..Maybe you really don't know?? No one can really give you much help there ...you just need to be more decisive and figure that out..

 

.But perhaps you may need to take a different approach or an alternative venue....I'm unfamiliar with the whole story, but just going by what little I have read...

 

TFY

Thank you so much. �� It doesn't make sense to me. I also agree I'd probably do better offline, but unfortunately I don't get out enough to places that put me at an opportunity to meet them. I will work on that + being receptive when guys show interest.

Edited August 12, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

Cookiesanddough

 

I have seen you give sage advice to others & offer great insight to them. I'm at a loss as to why you can't do that for yourself.

 

Part of me thinks you are overthinking things -- the hot guy who you didn't write back to because you decided he was out of your league. That makes no sense to me. He approached you. There was no reason for you to bow out before you even met.

 

Try meeting more people. If you really look at the picture & think "I could never kiss him" don't go, but if you are like . . . hmm, maybe . . . meet up sooner rather than later so you don't have time to talk yourself out of it. I'm not saying lower your standards. I tried that especially with OLD & like you I ended up on dates with men I was not attracted to & no matter how nice / kind / smart they were time was not going to make me want to be physical with them. My advise assumes some level of physical attraction. If that is there take the chance to at least meet for coffee.

 

Yes, I understand that going is stressful & you have anxiety but the more you do something the more relaxed you will become. Pick a safe location or two as your go to spots so the staff can act as back up if needed.

 

At this point you may be your own worst enemy.

[CptInsano]

[...]

At this point you may be your own worst enemy.

 

I'm afraid you might be right on this one. It may not be a question of finding the right guy, at all.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Cookiesanddough,

 

To be honest, I believe, as others, that you are certainly or were making things MORE difficult for you to find success. I would never consider someone with a skeletal profile. It reeks of someone who has given up, doesn't care, not serious, doesn't have much to offer and SCAM.

 

I always include detailed profiles of myself and it gives you a very accurate picture of who I am and what I expect. It turns some ladies off and I have been accused of being too unforgiving, but I have standards and expectations that I will not negotiate.

 

1. Be fit/active/athletic and live the lifestyle

2. Be financially sound, self-sustaining

3. No exes that, in any way, complicate your ability to have an healthy relationship

 

Do YOU have your crap together? Are you ready to date? Are you healthy?

 

I know that my profile sounds a bit unbelievable and I've received messages from ladies who would ask, "Is any of this true?" or "How much of this is really you?" Well, all of it is...to a T. But that is to say that there are guys who are genuinely interesting and have their 'shimmy shimmy cocoa-puffs' together. At the end of the day, the true(st) test is to actually meet and talk. In my experience, once I find someone who meet my minimum desires, it really isn't that difficult to meet them. Finding them is the challenge.

 

You have to have minimum requirements, foundational standards that you will not compromise on. Otherwise, you will find maintaining a relationship will become more and more difficult.

 

I really believe the brick and mortar reasons why I am confident in who I am and how I present myself is because I have my ducks in a row. I present myself as a healthy option and that is something everyone seeks. I'm not perfect, but darn it, I try to be what I would want from a partner. I never feel that anyone in whom I am interested, is out of my league. I go for it and often get no response. But that is OK. I move on.

 

I am clearly not the best looking, wealthiest, most fit nor tallest (below average), but I manage to get dates with some amazingly attractive (to me) and put together women. I am convinced that my detailed, interesting profile and decent pics allow me the initial opportunity and then my responses via email help to begin to support my profile. That's how I 'grab' the other person's attention. Meeting within 1-2 weeks, in person, is how I further fortify who I have claimed to be and who I am.

 

1. Work on your profile and make it sound like it's coming from a 'put together', confident person who knows her value and what she offers

2. Don't be afraid to go for those who feel are out of your league...

3. Build your confidence by getting out more and using it as experience, but put a lid on expectations that may lead you to over analysing

4. Have standards that you will not compromise on

5. Have a life outside of the pursuit of finding a relationship! Focusing too much on relationships and their complexities only adds further angst

[normal person]

Most women end up settling for relationships. You must have noticed this. There is a reason orbiters are kept.

 

I totally agree, but from what I've seen/know about OP, I would not consider her "most women."

 

It's very hard to find lover and provider in the same man.

 

Even if it is (and I'm not necessarily agreeing), it's certainly not impossible. Especially not for her.

 

I remember a woman nudging me to ask her out when I was younger. Never had that happen before?

 

I bet you have. We all probably have.

 

Of course I have, as described earlier, but I was 17, not 30 like this current guy. When you're figuring it all out, most girls are nice enough to cut some slack up to a certain age, but I think this guy is well beyond it.

 

Again, you can't have it both ways. If the guy she is currently chatting to was more savvy, she would have bigger problems than "I own him, and it's turning me off".

 

We'll always have problems. But perhaps not bigger and more tolerable/manageable.

 

An attractive guy with game, that isn't multi-dating, that wants to be exclusive before sex, that knows how to lead.

 

Intellectual, probably introverted, experienced. Sigma. Know how rare a sigma male is?

 

Know how rare a sigma is that meets the girl game requirements of "the rules"? Zero.

 

We'll agree to disagree here because I don't think you're describing a unicorn. A smart, sensible, guy who knows what he's doing is not like asking for a male model, astronaut, Nobel Prize winning rock star with a Super Bowl ring. And I have no clue what this "game" and "rules" stuff you're talking about is, so I'll plead ignorance there.

 

If the guy has a half decent profile GO MEET HIM. I have had tons of dates so I am speaking out of experience. I don't know how many times I went to a coffee-date with a man that was a bore online and turned out to be a hottie and a chatter box in real life.

 

This has happened to me at times too, but I would never say it's the rule rather than the exception. I find people are better than advertised 10-20% of the time, worse than expected 10-20%, and about what you'd expect the rest of the time. That's why I stopped going out with people who seem boring online. Was usually a huge waste of time and money. The pleasant surprises weren't enough to justify all the others who weren't. These days I really only go out with people who get me excited ahead of time, and it's been much more fruitful.

 

Drop having a type. It's a cage your lock yourself in,

 

Much easier said than done for some. If it were as simple as you make it sound, there would be a lot less unhappy people out there. I'm all for some people entertaining the idea of going outside their comfort zone and meeting someone they might not have once thought was their type, but there's no sense in trying to force a biological attraction to traits you have an aversion to, it just doesn't work for most people. I'm happy that it has for you, but I wouldn't hold my breath with it for others. Some people either like someone or they don't, and they can't help it. Most people can't just talk themselves into it. People say the same thing to me too. Just because it works for you is not a guarantee that it works for me, or for OP, or anyone else. Believe me, I've tried.

 

Look up the matching hypothesis. It's basically a theory in psychology that people tend to pair up with their equals in terms of attractiveness, success, etc. It makes a lot of sense. That's why you see celebrities intermarrying and you don't see Ryan Gosselin with an overweight, divorced 40 year old mother of 3. If you have enough leverage to hold out for your equal, I believe that you should. And if I had to guess, part of OP's problem is that she just hasn't found her equal yet and probably subconsciously knows she can do a lot better than a 30 year old grammar nazi who can't figure out how to take her to the zoo.

 

I'm afraid you might be right on this one. It may not be a question of finding the right guy, at all.

 

I won't deny that this is also a good point. Donnivain made a great post, and yes, OP might be her own worst enemy at some times, but I wouldn't rule out the theory that she also just might not be able to find the right guy. It could very well be both.

Edited August 12, 2017 by normal person

[Cookiesandough]

Thank you. That's good. Oh, okay. Now can we not talk about me. I'm uncomfortable with how this thread is about me. Even though that's the whole point. lol. I think I have the answers I need now. I do appreciate it

 

I am simple person looking for her simple match. Going to contemplate what you all have said for a bit. And keep searching.