Funny the things they say that actually tell you everything ..[Update]

[K.K.]

Oh yea unfortunately it's all painfully true. I can't even believe it myself really. I can't. I really can't. All this time just wasted. I thought he was one thing. But he was something completely different. And the way he pretty much blamed it on me for loving him! When he constantly told me how much he loved me and needed me! I mean actual tears and all of that. Who was he even? Can't even wrap my head around it.

 

I'm going to go no contact as much as I can. But it will really be just not speaking since he works right beside me. Riggghhht besideee me. It's going to take everything I have not to lash out. But that will just make me look like a fool Plus, I'm afraid I'm going to punch him in the face.

 

I didn't go to work today. I applied for other jobs. I've been at my workplace for 7 years. But I don't trust it anymore.

 

I swear he always has a way of reeling me back in. Not this time! I'm not taking any chances.

 

It's going to hurt to say goodbye to my old life. But I can't do this anymore. I can't. Can't can't can't can't can't.

 

Thank you all so much for being nice. You don't know how much that means to me right now. Thank you.

Edited August 9, 2017 by K.K.
.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh yea unfortunately it's all painfully true. I can't even believe it myself really. I can't. I really can't. All this time just wasted. I thought he was one thing. But he was something completely different. And the way he pretty much blamed it on me for loving him! When he constantly told me how much he loved me and needed me! I mean actual tears and all of that. Who was he even? Can't even wrap my head around it.

 

I'm going to go no contact as much as I can. But it will really be just not speaking since he works right beside me. Riggghhht besideee me. It's going to take everything I have not to lash out. But that will just make me look like a fool Plus, I'm afraid I'm going to punch him in the face.

 

I didn't go to work today. I applied for other jobs. I've been at my workplace for 7 years. But I don't trust it anymore.

 

I swear he always has a way of reeling me back in. Not this time! I'm not taking any chances.

 

It's going to hurt to say goodbye to my old life. But I can't do this anymore. I can't. Can't can't can't can't can't.

 

Thank you all so much for being nice. You don't know how much that means to me right now. Thank you.

 

Unfortunately I cannot explain his behavior to you. I went through something very similar, many of us have. The deciding to stay with the wife is not really the shocker, it's the complete personality change and that mocking you, acting like you are the crazy one to be upset. I had the same thing, threw me under the bus, and completely changed towards me with the worst part being that he would email me and talk to me about our mutual business activity and be irritated with me that I was still upset. I'm talking mere days after all the love statements.

 

A lot of us get it. I don't know if its a personality disorder. I don't know if its flat out lying to get sex. Other guys tell me that it was just lying, that when a guy does not respect you, they will lie and say anything to get what they want, maybe sex, maybe just attention. But I do relate to your feeling of who is the real person. I'd go with what you are seeing now.

[travelbug1996]

I don't understand how as an OW you believe anything he says? He lies to the one person he promised God and his family he would love and honor forever.

 

These men are narcissistic psychopaths who hurt their wives and any other woman that strokes their egos and believes their lies. I have had married men try to hit on me and I am aware if their BS a mile away.

 

Be smart. Be wise. Stop listening to liars. The fact that he was willing to cheat tells you he's a liar.

[jah526]

Incredible story but it serves as a great warning for others.

 

Mine was also like two different people. It caused me a great deal of cognitive dissonance, and I still don't know who the "real" version is. I tend to think the one at work is the made-up persona, because he is like the perfect man. Gentle, polite, soulful and kind. Charismatic. It's the one I wanted to believe in. But the thug I knew outside of work - the one who manipulated me over and over again, who felt no qualms about using me for sex or about cheating on his wife, who compared me to other women continuously - I believe that's the real him.

 

Sometimes the lies are so elaborate that they become someone's whole persona. I think that's the case with a lot of these men.

[elaine567]

 

Be smart. Be wise. Stop listening to liars.

 

The fact that he was willing to cheat tells you he's a liar.

 

 

^^^That is the bottom line.

 

"Oh, but he doesn't lie to me."

- famous last words.

[wmacbride]

I've been in love with this guy for 7 years. He's a coworker. He's been married 7 years. It's progressed from being good friends to where it is today- which is all these declarations of love and how he wants to leave his wife and be with me. I had waited so long for him to 'see the light' and discover that he should be with me.

 

We've kissed a thousand times and played around and things like that. We still haven't slept together. I'm not even sure why. It was mainly because he said his wife was a control freak and wouldn't let him out of the house. But it's not only that. I'm terrified of having sex with him really. Scared of loving him even more than I do. Scared that we won't be able to go back to 'not really cheating'.

 

Well, it's funny how people sometimes say things that they don't even realize the impact of the words.

 

Today he told me that he wants out of his marriage to have the kind of freedom that I have. I live alone. No children. No baggage. He has always told me that he's scared that I won't want him after I have him because of my independent nature. Truth is- he just wants my freedom. Reading between the lines, I realized that he doesn't want me. Only my freedom. He wanted me to get him out of his marriage. He wanted to use my strength as a f*cking springboard to end his marriage.

 

Yesterday he shocked the hell out of me by telling me that he has had multiple experiences with men. His eyes glazed over telling me how hot it was and how he sucked off some guy while another one was um... inside him. He said he has a fetish about rubber. Rubber?!! Said he met guys online and dressed up in rubber outfits while they all had sex with each other.

 

He thought I would be turned on.

 

I was mainly - shocked and a little appalled.

 

It all makes sense now.

 

He is the type of guy you read about in the paper. The upstanding moral Boy Scout leader. Would probably take a bullet for any fellow man. (Or woman). He is the mildest, meekest most sincere acting man on the planet. You would never in a million years imagine that he would ever partake in anything like this.

 

And NO I am not judging him.

 

The point is- it makes sense now. Why he married her.

 

To maintain the look of decency.

 

She never had a chance. And neither do I.

 

He was probably hoping that I would join him in his sexcapades. Probably looked at me like nothing more than future sexual gratification. If he even did that. He is bisexual at least.

 

And the real realization is not his sexuality but the fact that he was blowing smoke up my ass. All the tears he cried over me. All the I love yous. It was bull****. It had to be.

 

He didn't even call me today after work like normal. That's his usual way of punishing me. Really it's just him being a coward. He hurts me. Then he abandons me. He tells me later that he "just didn't know what to say to me". But it's punishment pure and simple- just like always.

 

I feel like the biggest fool on the planet. I was going to CRUSH people's lives to have him as my own and he was just using me to end his marriage because he was too much a coward to do it himself.

 

I'm ashamed and hurting like hell.

 

Is this what you get out of this exchange? Do you all see the same thing I do or could I possibly be wrong??

 

I can't even bring myself to face him at work tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

So wait a minute...he dumps all this pile of crap on your,and feels you need to be "punished" because you needed to process all of that?

 

What does he think you are? A child?

 

His fetishes and bisexuality aren't a reason for shame, but the way he's been treating you sure is....and you are worried about having to face him?

 

March your @ss into work tomorrow, head held high.

[wmacbride]

I know right. Just saying. That's how he gets his kicks. Showing his ass. Maybe I exaggerated a little saying halfway down his ass. But it hangs out enough so he can make sure you see his calvins or tommy hilfigers. God I'm an idiot.

 

 

I'm sorry, but now all I can picture is this man wandering around the office, bending over at every opportunity so people can see his undies or bare

behind

 

How frigging arrogant is he that he thinks the world needs to see something like that? What is it with this guy?

 

He needs to pull his pants up and smarten up too.

[elaine567]

I'm sorry, but now all I can picture is this man wandering around the office, bending over at every opportunity so people can see his undies or bare

behind

 

How frigging arrogant is he that he thinks the world needs to see something like that? What is it with this guy?

 

He needs to pull his pants up and smarten up too.

 

Yeah. but him flashing his bare behind may not actually be for the benefit of the OP or any other "lady" for that matter, if you get my drift...

[wmacbride]

Yeah. but him flashing his bare behind may not actually be for the benefit of the OP or any other "lady" for that matter, if you get my drift...

 

Whteher it's for female or male attention, his pants should not be at half mast:laugh:

[K.K.]

I guess my threads were merged.

 

Today I tried everything to keep my mouth shut. But I was sooooo mad because of his smugness that eventually I just couldn't take it anymore and I snapped.

 

I said every crappy thing you can say to another person. I screamed it. Told him I hated his guts. You name it I said it.

 

 

Everybody came running to see what was going on. I flipped out of my head, y'all.

 

And he stood there with measured responses. And I looked crazy as a ****house rat.

 

Of course I did.

 

I don't know if I can go another day at this job.

[Moonlight_coffee]

Girl I know how you feel. Just had my breakup a couple weeks ago. Xmm couldn't understand why was I being like that and said I was behaving crazy. Of course I lashed out and showed Him crazy!! The worst part is I have to see him every day with his new thing.

 

Yet when I tell him he hurted me he was in shock and was like how did he hurt me? Unbelievable.

 

I tell you, they get to go on with their lives as normal while we're the ones who suffer at the moment end.

[K.K.]

Yes exactly!! He stood there and was like "well Kk, I don't know why you forgave my behavior so many times if this is how you felt"

 

I mean really??!

 

I hear ya. How did we ever get ourselves into this mess.

[jenkins95]

Nothing really to say, except that you have completely seen his true colours now and can hopefully see that you are better off without him. You have every right to be mad. But try not to let him have that power over you - you being mad and angry will only hurt you, and you've had enough hurt already.

 

I know you are feling vulnerable. I thought you could do with a (((hug))).

 

Take care and keep posting. You will get past this.

 

Thinking of you. We are with you, holding your hand.

[K.K.]

Wow thank you so so much Jenkins95. That is the sweetest thing ever. Loved the hug and right back at ya.

 

He didn't come to work today so it was great! I had the most relaxing day and felt so bad looking at my boss's face thinking of how I applied at all these other jobs because of MM.

 

I can't let him get to me that way again. I stooped to a level with the name calling and flipping out that is so beneath me. I almost feel like apologizing. What a classless thing I did. I was so mad though that I couldn't control it.

 

I am not going to apologize though by the way. That would give him even more power. I said what I wanted. I think I'll just try to do my job and keep a blank look on my face and not talk or be lured into any more hissy fits.

 

I've been thinking all day about the horrible things I said. Totally stooped to a new low.

 

Thank you for your advice and support. It made my day.

[sandylee1]

After his craziness, do you still believe all he says about his wife?

 

He sounds like he is seriously messed up in the head.

[K.K.]

Well, I finally did it. I got a new job to try to rid myself of the daily pain of seeing MM. I start later this month and have very mixed emotions.

 

I'm terrified to start something new and my heart's hurting knowing I'll never see him again even if he did cause me excruciating pain. On the other hand, I know (hope) that it will be the best thing for me.

 

It's been three weeks I think that d-day happened. If you recall, he left work on a Friday evening telling me he was going to go home, pack his things and come be with me "for the rest of our lives". He never showed and when he came back to work on Monday, he basically came back a different person. Told me he was crazy and sick in the head. I eventually went off on him, calling him every name in the book. Telling him I hoped he died. Horrible things I said.

 

Since then we haven't spoken at all. He looks at me trying to gauge my feelings. He walks around with his head down and a sad look on his face.

 

I've been in a constant state of confusing emotions. Great sadness. It's the end of the road. I know if I don't leave, we'll not speak for a few awkward months and then one day one of us will make a joke and start talking and it'll all start all over again.

 

I need advice. I feel absolutely horrible for the things I said to him that day.

 

Do I apologize for that? Should I?

 

When I think of it in the context of how he screwed me over all that time, I think he deserved it. But it just doesn't sit well.

 

Should I :

 

A.) Just turn in my badge at the door one day and never even let him know it's coming. He will just show up one day to work and I'll be gone.

 

B.) Give my company two weeks notice where upon he will hear about it because he's a supervisor. It might be nice to watch his face for those two weeks. Will he try to talk to me? Will he let me just walk away and say nothing.

 

C.) Give my notice, and on my last day there- stop him and force him to look me in my eye and apologize to him or say some other heartfelt mushy crap that I'll bever be able to say again.

 

D.) Leave a note on his desk on my way out.

 

I can't stand that the last words that he'll ever remember coming out of my mouth were horrible awful things that I didn't mean.

 

What should I do? Is there another option?

 

Am I doing the right thing leaving my job? It'll never change unless I do. But on the other hand, it's all going to change when I do.

 

I'm scared.

 

K.K.

[K.K.]

Nobody? I really could use some advice on how to handle this ^

[mickan]

KK

play the long game.

you are thinking too short term

 

Dont grovel, dont beg and don't apologise.

One explosion of hurt does not equal the 7 years of time he wasted on you.

He does not deserve another second.

 

Move forward towards a new and better life and drop anything to do with him like a hot rock.

he is poison. Do not go near it.

 

Be classy. He will remember you walking away calmly without a backward glance or any attempt to communicate.

That is the mark of a woman who had FINALLY found some self esteem and is not waiting for a reaction.

 

Hold your head high and focus on your new future with a new job.

 

And your indifference to his manipulation will hurt worse than any kind of attention you give him. Good or Bad.

So don't blow it. Vanish out of his life and leave him wondering.

 

Nobody likes an unfinished story and thats what you are giving him. Get closure for yourself and deny him the opportunity to respond or even know its coming.

 

Run towards your new life without a backward glance.

Edited September 3, 2017 by mickan

[K.K.]

mickan THANK YOU.

 

I don't know why but your words have me with my heart pounding out of my chest and tears streaming down my face.

 

It's finally over! All the years of torture and pain. It's finally over.

 

I think I just realized it.

 

I'm going with it. Just what you said. You're right. In every way. Why should I give him one more minute.

 

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your reply. Can't even begin to explain it.

 

Thank you so so much.

[mickan]

KK

you are welcome strong girl.

 

You got yourself a new job and a chance for a new beginning.

 

Here is advice that I got and found it useful:

 

Grief will come at you in waves. All kinds of emotions will come at you in waves over the next weeks to months. Ride them out. Go with it. It hurts to heal and its necessary. Feel it but don't DO anything about them. Let feelings wash over you without driving you to action.

 

Your mind is not safe at this time.

IF you feel you MUST text/contact, then send one to yourself.

 

I did this. Sounds kinda dumb but I sent myself all the texts i wanted to send to my ex. There is something about seeing the text appear (even though I wrote it) that meant I could look at it objectively and realise that contact was not what I wanted after all.

 

You got this.

[Southwardbound]

Well, I finally did it. I got a new job to try to rid myself of the daily pain of seeing MM. I start later this month and have very mixed emotions.

 

I'm terrified to start something new and my heart's hurting knowing I'll never see him again even if he did cause me excruciating pain. On the other hand, I know (hope) that it will be the best thing for me.

 

It's been three weeks I think that d-day happened. If you recall, he left work on a Friday evening telling me he was going to go home, pack his things and come be with me "for the rest of our lives". He never showed and when he came back to work on Monday, he basically came back a different person. Told me he was crazy and sick in the head. I eventually went off on him, calling him every name in the book. Telling him I hoped he died. Horrible things I said.

 

Since then we haven't spoken at all. He looks at me trying to gauge my feelings. He walks around with his head down and a sad look on his face.

 

I've been in a constant state of confusing emotions. Great sadness. It's the end of the road. I know if I don't leave, we'll not speak for a few awkward months and then one day one of us will make a joke and start talking and it'll all start all over again.

 

I need advice. I feel absolutely horrible for the things I said to him that day.

 

Do I apologize for that? Should I?

 

When I think of it in the context of how he screwed me over all that time, I think he deserved it. But it just doesn't sit well.

 

Should I :

 

A.) Just turn in my badge at the door one day and never even let him know it's coming. He will just show up one day to work and I'll be gone.

 

B.) Give my company two weeks notice where upon he will hear about it because he's a supervisor. It might be nice to watch his face for those two weeks. Will he try to talk to me? Will he let me just walk away and say nothing.

 

C.) Give my notice, and on my last day there- stop him and force him to look me in my eye and apologize to him or say some other heartfelt mushy crap that I'll bever be able to say again.

 

D.) Leave a note on his desk on my way out.

 

I can't stand that the last words that he'll ever remember coming out of my mouth were horrible awful things that I didn't mean.

 

What should I do? Is there another option?

 

Am I doing the right thing leaving my job? It'll never change unless I do. But on the other hand, it's all going to change when I do.

 

I'm scared.

 

K.K.

 

Do NOT grovel.

[deadsoul]

Well, I finally did it. I got a new job to try to rid myself of the daily pain of seeing MM. I start later this month and have very mixed emotions.

 

I'm terrified to start something new and my heart's hurting knowing I'll never see him again even if he did cause me excruciating pain. On the other hand, I know (hope) that it will be the best thing for me. (hold on to that because it is 1,000 percent true!)

 

It's been three weeks I think that d-day happened. If you recall, he left work on a Friday evening telling me he was going to go home, pack his things and come be with me "for the rest of our lives". He never showed and when he came back to work on Monday, he basically came back a different person. Told me he was crazy and sick in the head. I eventually went off on him, calling him every name in the book. Telling him I hoped he died. Horrible things I said.

 

Since then we haven't spoken at all. He looks at me trying to gauge my feelings. He walks around with his head down and a sad look on his face.

 

I've been in a constant state of confusing emotions. Great sadness. It's the end of the road. I know if I don't leave, we'll not speak for a few awkward months and then one day one of us will make a joke and start talking and it'll all start all over again.

 

I need advice. I feel absolutely horrible for the things I said to him that day.

 

Do I apologize for that? Should I?

 

Nope

 

When I think of it in the context of how he screwed me over all that time, I think he deserved it. But it just doesn't sit well.

 

Should I :

 

A.) Just turn in my badge at the door one day and never even let him know it's coming. He will just show up one day to work and I'll be gone.

 

B.) Give my company two weeks notice where upon he will hear about it because he's a supervisor. It might be nice to watch his face for those two weeks. Will he try to talk to me? Will he let me just walk away and say nothing.

 

C.) Give my notice, and on my last day there- stop him and force him to look me in my eye and apologize to him or say some other heartfelt mushy crap that I'll bever be able to say again.

 

D.) Leave a note on his desk on my way out.

 

I can't stand that the last words that he'll ever remember coming out of my mouth were horrible awful things that I didn't mean.

 

What should I do? Is there another option?

 

Am I doing the right thing leaving my job? It'll never change unless I do. But on the other hand, it's all going to change when I do.

 

I'm scared.

 

K.K.

 

Give your notice. It's the right thing to do. Don't talk to him when he tries to converse with you about it. Yes, you are so doing the right thing. You will be free, have a fresh start and can move forward. This is where you'll have to be the strongest because he's weak and he will come groveling back to you.

 

Hold your head up high, finish out your job and then move on and block him from everything.

[Miss Clavel]

how can you even think of speaking to him again, in person or in writing?

 

unless it's to tell him to eat **** and die?

 

let me ask you this: do you even lock your front door when you are home? do you lock your front door when you are not home? do you lock your car when you're in the car and when you exit the car? do you hide your valuables against robbers? do you go to the gyno on a regular basis and have a pelvic/pap smear?

 

Do you even take care of yourself and you belongings? if you do, why? could it be because your house, your car and your body have value to you? could it be because you protect the things you love, you keep your things and yourself safe??? do yourself a favor and start a mantra;

 

i suggest you say this phrase to yourself 100 hundreds times a day:

 

"he's dead to me, i'm worth more".

 

say it, mean it. let go. move on. in that order.

 

good luck

Edited September 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[K.K.]

I haven't updated till now because I wasn't sure how I felt or how to say it.

 

For anybody interested though, I followed the advice I was given here to a T. I think it was best.

 

I did give notice. I tried to give two weeks but my boss was like no just finish out the week. I don't know if he was mad or just knew I wasn't feeling it anymore or what. My attitude changed considerably when me and MM stopped speaking in August when his wife laid down the law on him again. I was a bitchy emotional wreck. They were probably glad to be rid of me.

 

I tried to keep it quiet that I was leaving but I knew he knew because it was sent out in an email to all of the supervisors (which he was) that I had given notice. It was weird going in there every day trying to read him. At first he looked bewildered. Then sad. Then towards the end of the week, he looked like he started to accept it and almost acted cockier than normal. Guess he thought he would show me, huh.

 

He would come to where I was and just stand there but he never said a word. He would be wherever I was walking by. Looking like he was waiting for me to say something, but I kept quiet.

 

He never said goodbye.

 

I had spent the week getting all of my personal items in one spot so I could make a quick exit. Last Friday, I left right before break. I got my s^*+ and started walking the long walk to the door. I was choking up remembering the 7 years I had spent there. It was so hard to leave. But I never let him see him cry.

 

 

As I was passing his area, I saw MM out of the corner of my eye. He looked up quickly with the most frantic look on his face. At least it looked that way to me.

 

I just kept walking. Ya know, for a moment I thought he was going to be right behind me. Giving me his usual bull****. Good luck K.K. Nice knowing you. You know... that polite crap somebody tries to feed you after they've ruined your life.

 

But he wasn't behind me.

 

I walked out the door and that was that.

 

I thought I would be in agony. I thought I would've died knowing I'll never see his face again. But you know what?

 

THE AGONY WAS THE DAILY MINDF@"$ THAT I HAD JUST LEFT BEHIND.

 

I did everything I could in all those years that I loved him to make him mine. I listened to his bull**** lies. I believed him when he said he couldn't live without me. Some days we were in that bubble of unbelievable happiness that nobody could touch. I think he did love me. But not enough to leave his "horrible life with her" as he called it. I'll never understand that.

 

But there always comes a last straw. And mine was when he looked me in my eyes earlier in August and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he was going home and packing his things to come live with me ... and on Monday morning he was .. a complete stranger again. It was all over after that.

 

I couldn't work with him anymore knowing that it would play out the same way it always did. We'd not speak till it calmed down with his wife and then we'd be right back where we started. All over each other. Then the same thing would play out again and again and again.

 

Reading all of these threads here for so long I realize that it's the same script every time. If you're thinking of having an affair, physical or emotional... just please don't. It's all fun and games in the beginning and then here ya are leaving your job of 7 years! because of this person.

 

I thank you all for the advice and for stopping me from making a fool out of myself by trying to talk to him before I quit. I would have looked even dumber.

 

He made his choice. He's where he wants to be. With her.

 

I can't do anything about that and I don't want to. I'll never do this again. Ever ever ever. The pain isn't even now. The pain was putting up with the lies and the hurt every single day I went to work. At one time we were good friends and I feel bad that was ruined by falling in love. And I'm still angry about the way he treated me.

 

But other than that, all I feel now is FREE.

[jah526]

Oh my gosh, congratulations! I want to leave so badly too but I know it's going to take some time. I can almost feel the relief in your post. Good job and great advice!