Reconcilation how to fall in love again or have her love me again.

[Inafishbowl]

Ok I had an PA. It lasted off and on over a two year period. The last was 8 months and I was deep in limerence. Yes it's clear after the fog has lifted. I totally own the responsibility and was one of those "I would never do that" people.... But I did.

 

My wife and I split over it.

We spent 4 months apart then slowly started to reconcile.

I ended the affair and then we started to talk. My wife then started to spend more time with me and eventually moved back in about a month ago.

 

I love her , I honestly do but I see us settling back into the same routines that led me to the PA.

 

How do I move forward with my wife? How do we grow our relationship into a healthy one?

 

Totally serious question here.

 

We've been married 28 years and are empty nesters now. We have no real life outside of work and household duties.

What can we do to build our marriage?

 

I asked her about MC and got no response.

Her reaction to a lot of things is to just not answer.

That was part of the numbness we had settled into.

 

When DDay hit it was by my doing.

I came home on Valentine's day and she was acting like it was something special and we where so in love. I said something like "how can you be so sure of that"

( She had always dictated what holidays we would celebrate. Cards where stupid and a waste of money. Don't but me candy or flowers...but it was at her discretion. Sometimes we did sometimes we didn't. I never knew which way was up.

I had asked her a few days before Valentine's if we were celebrating this year... I was screaming inside for her to say yes...."No" was her answer.)

That led to a conversation about "us" me asking her to "work on us"

It got no where and she ended up leaving. Yes... on Valentine's day.

I didn't care anymore as I was deep in the PA at the time. She left and I tried was what I told myself.

 

Two months of time w the AP unrestricted was enough to see that it wasn't going to work long term.

We ended it more like a relationship, break up, break up sex, short reconciliation then NC.

It was exhausting and I felt caught between two vortex's. A woman who I lusted for and a woman who I loved. Love won out like it does in a lot of affairs.

 

I really started to miss my life. My family. The history and memories we had together. I then saw how much my wife really loves me. Unconditional love. That is rare and I wanted it back. Yes the grass isn't always greener .... I know.

 

So back to the original question.

What things can I do to build our relationship? We text every day now and that's a good thing. We say we love each other every day.

We try to do errands and chores together. We make a point to celebrate every holiday and birthday. I feel that's important and we agreed to keep that traditional approach..... but... still I feel trapped.

The house, the upkeep, the job stress, the pets she insist on keeping.

What little things can we do to build on ?

Suggestions, books to read? I will push for MC again.

What works for you?

[preraph]

The house upkeep, the job stress, the pets she insists on keeping. Get a maid once every couple of weeks to do the heavy cleaning. Decide if you can improve your job situation and if not, just suck it up. The pets are her children, so you probably just need to shut about about those, seriously. People who love animals have very little respect for those who don't, so I would not push it. The housekeeper will help with that too. You can board them for a few days and go on a vacation.

 

Start looking for activities the two of you can do. Whatever your budget will allow, from bike riding to boating, to taking tennis lessons together. Take little day trips to a scenic village or place a couple hours away.

 

You're who broke the trust here, and even if she says she loves you every day, she probably will never trust you again or love you the way she once did. So if you push it with feeling sorry for yourself with the "strain" of these daily life issues we all have to deal with trying to make that her problem, you'll get less sympathy than you once did.

 

I'm glad you love your wife, but no woman likes to think that sex was more important to you than all the years you've both invested. You have to understand how insulting that is to a woman. You risked it all for casual sex. This puts her value waaaaay down low and her respect for you right down there with it.

 

I think the best approach is try to see if you can start doing fun things to inject some fun into your marriage, things outside the house mostly, make new memories, and hope it's worth it to her.

[Inafishbowl]

I'm well aware of the trust broken.

I have dug deep into this site and others trying to understand the reasons of an affair. How we love as people and what we need to be happy in relationships.

 

I appreciate the suggestions.

 

Money isn't much of an issue with the children grown and supporting themselves. We save half our incomes towards retirement.

I'm seriously at a loss how to move forward though. We spent so many years as family unit it's hard to be a couple again.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I've been going through a break up of an 11 year relationship and have been doing a lot of work and thinking on how I would work to repair my relationship if he came back.

 

One of the main things I learned is that with a busy life, we were on auto pilot. 'Unhappy and stuck in our comfort zones". Our relationship had become a contest of who could get their way more. It was all work and no play. I played a huge role in setting this tone and want to change it. Life is short.

 

Changes I would make:

1) set the tone of the new revised relationship by making a mission statement of sorts. In my case I would like our reconciliation (if it occurred) to change the dynamic of 2 selfish interests, to each of us reminding each other that we are here to give to the other and support the other. We need to remind each other of this every day. It should not be a contest.

 

2) We set a goal to read one relationship book together each year. More than one if we like the results. But the key is we do the discovery together and to do the work together. This is about learning to meet emotional needs of the other.

 

3) Life should not be drudgery. Life should be engaged and fun/enjoyable.

Together, make lists of things we each want to do. Set goals for doing them and cross things off the list and keep adding. It is also important that if the list is slacking, both need to be accountable for not doing them and there should be a push to resume going out and doing them. One example, is making it a goal to watch beautiful sunsets together when we are together at that time. Stop what we are doing, hop in the car and go to a place to watch the sunset and be happy in the moment.

 

4) Each individual should continue to grow themselves by working on their own unmet need adaptive behaviors. Working on personal growth should be a lifelong process. Never stop doing it because we get into your comfort zone.

 

5) Take responsibility for getting your own needs met. Don' expect the other person to do it for you, because they won't. You have to speak up and work attainable goals to get there. If it is really important to you then challenge the other to be supportive.

 

6) Recognize that for these to work, both have to be 99% committed to the relationship and making it healthy and happy. If only one is making the effort, it will surely fail. So, don't waste time if the buy in is not mutual.

[ayoung73]

What an awesome opportunity you have and your willingness to forge ahead is wonderful! Marriage counseling is always good, but if she’s resisting there isn’t a lot to do about that. Have you ever heard of the Love Dare? There’s a movie called Fireproof, and the book ‘The Love Dare’ was born. Basically it’s a 40 day challenge where a person puts their spouse ahead of all their needs and wants-serving the spouse and doing things for, in this case, doing things for her. I loved it, my wife and I did it; we grew quite a bit and learned a whole lot about one another. Outside of that, I find surprising her with dinner, a card, letter, a sexy note, or a gift. Do something new together, revive an old hobby you both liked, give her a massage, buy her a gift card at a spa, or you both go to one together.

 

Back to the MC, you could always go on your own and use it as an opportunity to ask her to join you. I’m very impressed, I hope this helps, if I think of anything else I’ll post it. Take care of you both!

[Inafishbowl]

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'll try some of them.

Like I said I know we both love each other and anything we can try is a good thing.

I spoke to a friend about a few things. He suggested just asking her what she wants. Don't look for an answer right away. Let her think about it.

She has always been a write it down person. List for vacations, list for family events.

I guess what I really want is to recapture a closeness with her.