Divorce guilt, delayed?

[mikestr]

I am in the middle stages of a divorce after leaving late last year.

 

We had some great times together, been all over the world, but did argue quite a bit.

After ​18 years together we had a tough year last year with bereavements and other problems so the arguing was more frequent just blaming each other etc. (We have no children)​.

 

After leaving, she probably expected it, but one day I just left to stay with my parents. She probably wasn't surprised as we had argued and left before (only a few times overnight) but arguments that ended up with one of us storming off out.

 

​I think she was devastated after a time, with being upset but surprisingly i was fine, maybe because i did it for the both of us. So I did no grieving at the time.

 

We tried mediation via email in the couple of months after, but didn't​ really achieve anything, so before I knew it, I was issued with divorce proceedings from her ( a sort of protection shut down from her to get over it, even though it was hurting)

 

I took this all in my stride and knew that probably we weren't destined to be together for life as we'd grown apart. We have had no contact for the best part of 6 months now.

 

The divorce has been progressing now for around 4 months, and all of a sudden at this stage, (as it seems more real) I'm suddenly feeling guilty, and thinking of ALL the good times..

Its like a delay from what i should have been feeling the first week or so away from home.

 

I just always wanted to remain friends if we could as we were close, and have been through a lot together, seen the world, and had good friends together (I don't hear from them now so I am feeling it in some way)

 

I am hoping this is natural guilt due to the Divorce progressing, and me feeling sorry for her.

I hate to think of her living alone (I know she isn't looking for another relationship) and knowing she wont be part of each others lives anymore (we havent been for best part of 6 months). Not jealousy at all, but hoping she is ok..

 

Where has this come from?

 

I know she probably hates me right now, but for the 1st time ever i have an overwhelming urge to just see if she is ok, more than ever since the split.

Maybe not a good idea, due to solicitors battling it out currently, but just wanted her to know, despite everything, that I am sorry and am thinking of her..

 

What do I do as its cutting me up a little just lately,.... when it never did before..?

[OptimismHopeTrust]

Hi Mike, it is not unusual to be going through the emotions you are feeling. At the beginning of a decision to separate, I think we "build a case" against our spouse so we can clear away the doubt of leaving in the first place. We tend to downplay all the good times and highlight the bad ones. But every relationship has both. We can only hope that the tough times serve to strengthen the relationship and allow us to see parts of ourselves that need to grow. Of course, it doesn't always work that way and we are often filled with resentment and bitterness and lose our way.....and think it best to end the relationship. But marriage is a commitment and it does deserve everything we have to make it work. If you think that you have left some things unsaid, now is the time to say them. Life is fleeting and it is important that we share our hearts with those that move us to do so. Whether she receives your words with an open heart is not reason to not share....this is for you, it is important you say what you feel you want to say. Perhaps it will lead to more discussion and you may both have a different perspective on your relationship. It is never to late to forgive and choose healing but it is a journey. When we are angry, it blocks good thoughts and keeps us from seeing things clearly. Now that time has passed and the anger has dissipated, a clearer picture emerges.It also sounds like you both had to deal with some tough issues....and each person deals with bereavement differently.....and it is often hard to understand how a partner can cope with loss so differently than what you would choose. You have nothing to lose in speaking your heart....whether it brings restoration to your relationship or not, it may bring peace to both of you. I wish you well. I hope this helps.

[Marc878]

You left for a reason. Did those reasons change?

 

NC is a healing process. You really want more drama?

[mikestr]

Thank you OptimismHopeTrust

A nice summary and perfect to how i was feeling.

I also feel the same a little, that with whatever is happening and the bickering over possessions and trivial things, as to come out with the 'upper hand', that basic kindness and thoughts for the other person, seem to transcend all the arguments at the end of the day, despite however much the other person hates you right now, isn't it more human to just still love the partner I was with for many years, and hold no malice.

Sorry for being a bit 'hippyish' with all this, as its not like me, but I seemed to have changed since my personal split, and feel this way, which you seemed to have summed up well.

 

 

You left for a reason. Did those reasons change?

 

NC is a healing process. You really want more drama?

 

Thank you for this, but could you clarify what you mean by NC? (sorry for being stupid )

[OptimismHopeTrust]

Hi Mike,

I am thankful that I could help a bit with clarifying some of your feelings. You don't sound "hippyish" at all. You sound more reflective and the fact that you are self-reflecting is admirable. The hardest person to face is one's self. We have to be willing to look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. We have to be willing to own "our stuff" and where needed, apologize for that. It doesn't mean we have not been hurt or wrongly treated.....it just allows us to take responsibility and grow from it. And I agree, in the end, when you share so much with someone, it is good to always hold what made it so special and sacred for all the years together. Harboring anger and resentment only punishes one's self and interferes with the ability to love and have loving relationships. I wish you well.

[mikestr]

Ok so I am now out of the other side.

 

Separated in Sept 2016, ( I left, my choice) and she started divorce in March 2017 (no kids). Everything started ok, but then it got nasty.

I don't want to go into details but it wasn't good, being accused of things, and trying to defend myself. I felt I kept having to reply to the accusations for 'my side of the story', via solicitor thinking it would affect things just to add balance and basically defend myself against rubbish.

 

Went through 2 court dates (FDA and 7 months later, FDR), again messy, costly and long. Finally settled at the FDR, as the 3rd hearing would have massively increased legal costs, so happy about this.

 

So now I'm sitting here hours after the court day, with it all over, apart from the paperwork.

 

The strangest feeling is that I feel quite sad for some reason, and it makes you think of whats happened and also the 18 years of marriage, experiences, feelings, thoughts, which I hadn't really had previous when I was in the thick of it. I didn't really feel like this when I left, or divorce started etc.

 

After all the sh*t, (which has just evaporated) I almost feel like contacting (stbx) which i know maybe a very bad thing, just to see how she is?

 

I think this is the stress of the day speaking, and I am not thinking straight, but just thought I'd post here to get it off my chest.

I sort of have the strange feeling inside a little like when we met? and now its like a bereavement - I think it maybe because its now come to an end?

Edited July 5, 2018 by mikestr

[Mr. Lucky]

I sort of have the strange feeling inside a little like when we met? and now its like a bereavement - I think it maybe because its now come to an end?

 

You should recognize this for what it is - an emotional response, part nostalgia and part fear of the unknown.

 

Buy yourself a beer, let the feelings pass and get on with your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Unhappy_Nerd]

Ok so I am now out of the other side.

The strangest feeling is that I feel quite sad for some reason, and it makes you think of whats happened and also the 18 years of marriage, experiences, feelings, thoughts, which I hadn't really had previous when I was in the thick of it. I didn't really feel like this when I left, or divorce started etc.

 

After all the sh*t, (which has just evaporated) I almost feel like contacting (stbx) which i know maybe a very bad thing, just to see how she is?

 

I think this is the stress of the day speaking, and I am not thinking straight, but just thought I'd post here to get it off my chest.

I sort of have the strange feeling inside a little like when we met? and now its like a bereavement - I think it maybe because its now come to an end?

 

Honestly man, I just went through a super similar thing just a couple weeks ago.

 

My divorce was much quicker - married 18 years, separated in Jan 2018, divorce was finalized June 11th. I felt a lot of guilt when we first separated, but then really nothing for next four months...then a week or so after the final settlement I was hit with a big gut punch of regret and fear, and a wave of concern for her and how she was doing.

 

I got a bit drunk a couple weeks ago and emailed the ex to see how she was doing (we hadn't communicated directly in three months...only through the attorneys). Nothing innately bad came of the communication, but it didn't help me (or her) either. I don't think there is ever a real sense of closure. Just time passing and the slow fade...

 

So learn from this fool: Let the past be the past. You've gotten past the hard part. I'm with Lucky. Have a few beers, but don't drunk-text her.

[Marc878]

It's just a nostalgic moment. Nothing has really changed except you arent together now. If you were it'd probably be the same old same old.

 

No contact is best

[Lotsgoingon]

You're suffering the pain of death ... in this case the death of hope about the relationship.

 

There's an accounting term ... called unrealized losses ...

 

You buy a stock a $100 ... stock declines to $10 ... but you don't sell .... Why? .. Because you're hoping against hope that the stock will rebound. While you have this hope the lost money (decline from $100 to $10) is called an unrealized loss.

 

It's a loss, but it hasn't fully hit you yet. The moment you sell your $10 stock, you have a realized lost. It's real. It's official. Ain't no hope of rebounding and recovering from the $100 initial price.

 

Well, when you're in a bad marriage, you're like the person with unrealized losses ... You cling to hope (even when you don't know it) that something better will happen. Now, you're officially in the break up stage, that hope is gone and you're facing the pain of this loss.

 

Divorce is a loss ... even when necessary and smart. All those dreams and hopes you had ... are now gone ... Very painful. I got out of a horrible marriage and felt this loss. Trust me: the loss goes away ... as you begin to live a new life.

 

Also, I think there are moments in the process of divorce when you actually remember the good stuff about your partner and the hopes you had at the start ... and yes that brings about sadness. That's fine. You're simply acknowledging that your ex is a full human being ... and that there were some good qualities to her.

 

Of course, it's a lot safer to appreciate those good qualities when you are no longer required to suffocate under the bad ones. Part of what you're feeling is the luxury ... because you're not chained to the bad qualities, you can notice the good ones ... that's fine.