Personality vs Physical Looks

[Mysterio]

I think that both of these are the obstcles that help or hinder us. Perhaps its unrealistic to think that we have one over the other. In reality you need both.

 

For me it feels like most women have the looks I like. The personality is not there. How does one reconcile that while dating.

 

What is your first draw. When I was younger I would say Physical looks were more important. Now at age 46 its personality first. Yet I can't overide if the looks are not there. For me I am all about face more than anyone. I would rather date a woman with a great a face and a average body. Than a great body but average face.

 

Also how do you asses yourself when it comes to looks and personality. I asses myself with handsome/cute face. fit body. My Personality is more warm,introspective, kind and thoughtful. More hte boy next door. Ritchie Cunningham from Happy Days vibe in a 46 year old Black Make that is 5'9 and shaved head.

[d0nnivain]

Even if they have a sparkling personality, if the thought of kissing the other person turns your stomach, it won't work out. The prettiest people can be the most shallow.

 

 

You do need both.

 

 

For me the "shiny package" / the outside / physical looks always initially drew my attention but I could be done 10 minutes later if there was no substance. If I thought the guy was handsome, then discovered he could carry on a conversation & had a sense of humor, I'd stick around.

[Cookiesandough]

They're both equally important for me.

[knabe]

My first draw is whatever catches my attention first. Let me explain that, since it sounds like a politician lol

 

An inordinately good looking person will certainly catch my visual attention when he crosses my field of vision. Because I have eyes lol. I can see the hallway from my office, and if Vin Deisel walked by my door right now, I'd notice

 

However, if someone out of my view was having a conversation in the hall, and he had a nice voice and a quick wit, I'd notice that too.

 

If a nice looking man came across the room and said hello to me (and I was single), I'd smile (and honestly be a tad on guard - while I love myself and my fiance thinks I am gorgeous, I am aware I am not conventionally jaw dropping and hot). However, if all he said was hi and then stood awkwardly, or he was just....awkward and stunted, that "draw" would fade in about 90 seconds.

 

If am average guy came over and talked to me and he was engaging and/or funny, within the span of 5 minutes I would forget what my initial assessment of his looks might have been, he'd be handsome. The end.

 

BUT.....if a man with giant moles who came up to my shoulder, weighed 300 pounds, breathed through his mouth, and hadn't showered lately came up to me....it wouldn't matter if he was Steve Martin, Gregory Peck, and Kenny Chesney all rolled into one spectacular personality....nope. Nada

[Michelle ma Belle]

The older I've become, the pickier I get in terms of the qualities I desire and seek out in men I date.

 

I have found that if I click with someone who checks off a host of boxes in terms of his overall character, personality, sense of humor, his ability to communicate, etc., goes a very long way in making someone attractive to me.

 

Of course, there needs to be some physical attraction even if only a shred but I've been wildly attracted to men who by their physical looks alone would never have registered on my radar otherwise. And all because of their personality and how they carried themselves.

 

I've done the gorgeous model-esque with an empty head dating and it gets old QUICK! I can't be bothered with anyone who can't stimulate my mind no matter how drop dead gorgeous they are in the body or face or both. I'm so over it.

 

Would it be great to find someone who has both GQ looks and an amazing personality? Of course! I'm not dead for heaven's sake:p

 

 

As for how I would assess myself, I think I'm a hard 10 in terms of personality and character. I have my sh*t together. I know what I bring to the table and therefore I'm not afraid to eat alone. As for looks, I think I'm one of those women who has a pretty face but an average body no thanks to age (I'm 48), having birthed children well over 9lbs each, and having gone through some major surgeries in my lifetime that have left parts of my body permanently scarred.

 

It doesn't bother me though. It's certainly never stopped me from attracting beautiful men both inside and out or from having an incredible social and an equally incredible sex life.

 

Attitude is everything in the end.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[CptInsano]

Even if they have a sparkling personality, if the thought of kissing the other person turns your stomach, it won't work out. The prettiest people can be the most shallow.

 

 

You do need both.

 

I was trying to improve my Spanish in the recent past, and started to chat with a woman in Central America, who also wanted to learn English. She was smart and funny, and actually had a PhD in her field. The chats continued, and after about 18 months she requested that I should visit her. I could stay at her place, she'd drive me around, and I could take her out a few times in return. She made it also clear that she was interested in more than that.

 

It sounded like a great vacation to me, at least until I saw her picture. I looked at it again and again, but there was just no way.

 

Personality is indeed becoming more important with age, but there minimum standards in regards to the physical appearance that I would suspect the vast majority would still adhere to.

[MonkeyLogic]

I've realized with time that the "first draw" is pretty meaningless if you're looking for a long term relationship. Looks or surface personality traits are pretty superficial. Time is the great equalizer. Only with time will you find out the important stuff.

 

Do you share the same core values? Are you compatible in bed? Do you want the same things out of a relationship?

 

The rest is just fluff..

[SammySammy]

Ideally, we'd like to offer and have both. There are many people and couples that only have one. Or neither.

 

In the end, I think it's all about compatibility. Who we click with and what we're willing to compromise on.

[knabe]

Ideally, we'd like to offer and have both. There are many people and couples that only have one. Or neither.

 

In the end, I think it's all about compatibility. Who we click with and what we're willing to compromise on.

 

Honest self-assessment is vital.

[GoodOnPaper]

Why treat physical looks and personality as complete separate and unrelated qualities? I was completely inept and miserable as a single person but have had a lot of years - I'm pushing 50 - to learn things about myself that I should have figured out then. If I'm ever single again, my attraction to a woman will be decided by the answer to one question only - do I have a desire to be open with her physically and emotionally? What will determine that? My comfort level with her - period. If something about her is offputting enough to disrupt the comfort level - whether it's due to looks (including being "too" good looking) or personality factors or both, it doesn't matter and it's not worth analyzing separately - then the attraction won't be there.

[basil67]

I once met a guy who's facial abnormality led me to believe he had Treacher Collins syndrome. He was great to talk to and had I been single, I would have dated him.

[Gaeta]

Personality over looks BUT there has to be a base for attraction to grow.

 

I had always been attracted to strong men, and when I met my bf he was tall and lean, he was not at all my type. After our first date I had already decided to not pursue. Well, he was such a gentleman during our 1st date and through his communicationa afterwards that I said 'why not' to a second date. Then I discovered a highly intelligent man, confident, well traveled, kind and attentive, he suddenly became a 10 to me.

 

Here we are 1,5 year later, I am crazy about him and I think he's the sexiest thing alive.

[Mysterio]

Lets break things down. Physical looks. For my own assesement. My face structure is closer to Vin Diesel I shave my head bald. My skin tone is Choclate Brown. I am 5'9. I am in fit shape. I am currently 210lbs and dropping weight.

 

My goal is to be bouncing between 180 to 190 lbs. I have my head shaved. I am 46, yet get always pegged at 33. The lowest I have gotten is 24. Thats just because my voice is on the soft side. I have straight white teeth. Small ears and nose, lips. So when I look at myself. The first two words is that I am a cross between Handsome and Cute. When I hear the words average looking. All I think is that a person does not make themselves up in anyway. If your in your 50's and your a woman. You let your hair have greyish tones instead of dying it. Or you have chin hairs or you have a mustache as a guy that is not complementray or you have crooked stained teeth that you can do something about, but don't. Your loosing your It almost he equivalent of being out of shape body wise except on the face.

 

Personaity wise. I am warm/introspective,kindhearted, methodical. I am not the strong and silent type. I am not a loud mouth type either. So I am more of a conversationalist with peppered humour into the conversation. Than just a jokester.

 

Just the way our society works. Its unrealistic for every person to walk across our field of vision and they can be in to us and vice versa. If that was the case. Then anyone could get anyone away from their SO. A lot of this love stuff is random. We really can't control who we are attracted to or who is attracted to us. Maybe we can modifiy it to certain extents.

 

Currently now. My friends that are married. No one could get their wives/husbands romantically. There would have to be some internal strife that caused a break up first.

 

I look at how a woman treats the persons in their lives. I am out of the being bowled over by looks phase of my life. I don't care how great she looks. If she is not into me romantically making an effort to connect I feel blank towards her.

 

Perhaps the reason that some of us are single, is because we know what we can get. Its just a matter of waiting it out. My perception of myself is that I will be with a Girl next door type and we will be very happy together. I may be more of a Step dad with one bio child between us. We will be together until the end of our days.

[Gaeta]

Perhaps the reason that some of us are single, is because we know what we can get. Its just a matter of waiting it out. My perception of myself is that I will be with a Girl next door type and we will be very happy together. I may be more of a Step dad with one bio child between us. We will be together until the end of our days.

 

Don't limit yourself to anything. Be open and seek a connection. If she comes in the form of a model with no kids, good. If she comes in the form of a girl next door with kids, good.

[central]

Either physical attraction or personality will draw you in, but then the other trait must be present to keep you interested. Over time, though, looks may fade to varying degrees, so the constant is personality. Both are essential in the beginning to interest one in establishing a relationship, but personality is the key to sustaining one.

[OatsAndHall]

Personality over looks BUT there has to be a base for attraction to grow.

 

This. Sometimes I think it takes getting burned by the "beautiful people" before folks figure this out.

 

This may sound like a tall tale but it certainly isn't.. When I was in college I dated a girl who was Miss -Insert My State-. We dated for around three months and they were not a fun three months.. The sex was great (she was mind blowingly hot) but she was a seriously arrogant witch. Her and I were supposed to go to a movie one weekday night but she cancelled on me and said she needed to get caught up in a class. I didn't have class the next day until noon so I went down to the bars. Low and behold, I found her plopped on some dude's lap in the corner of one of those bars.

 

Up until that point, I had focused solely on physical attributes and it came back to bite me. At this point in my life, I would only end up out on ONE date with a woman who was that arrogant.

[Mysterio]

Central You nailed it.

 

What I don't get is why some women/men let themselves go. There is not excuse. Gyms are reasonable in price. One could buy weights and a bike and not break the banks or go for a run. Women with chin hairs and men with ear hairs. With the way our generations who were born in the 50-90's. It won't cut it now. Might as well make yourself spruced up at all times for your mate. Its not hat hard.

 

Personality is the core. I don't know if there is one way to just break though in looks and personality. There is a woman at work that was heavy. She lost weight. I am still not attracted to her. Its just the way things are. Not everyone can fit into each others lives easily.

[Mysterio]

Don't limit yourself to anything. Be open and seek a connection. If she comes in the form of a model with no kids, good. If she comes in the form of a girl next door with kids, good.

 

Gaera. I hear what your saying. I still think that we all need to be practical.

 

I am single with a Condo and a cat. I am car-less. As I really don't need one as I practically live 7 minutes form the mall. I can't see myself at 46. Being with a woman that has 5 kids and I being thrown in there and it will be bliss***.

 

The only situation that is going to work for me is a woman that is Single/Widowed/Divorced-no kids. Or the same with 1-2 kids. If she is Separated. Then a Divorce with her ex has to be eminent wihin a year to the point where it does not hinder us. If those factors are not in place. What the point. She gets to be on easy street with me. There is no major ex that she has to tussle with.

 

My friend DT has to put up with his GF being still married with to her ex and she has kids with him and DT. They just had a second child. Her oldest is having problems in school that he is skipping class. All of what I have statted, would not be happening under my watch. No way would my almost step son be skipping class. My Gf will not be married to her ex still and I have bio kids with her during that. The best it would be is that I support her getting divorced. We get married after that and I may let bio kids happen early than later and the only reason I would have bio kids is that We are both in agreement that we have something to offer them, in terms of life guidance. I don't want to bring children into the world because we can make it happen biologically

 

Whats wrong in being methodical. My timeline is this. Which I think is reasonable. Meet/Date Year 1. BF/GF till Year 2. Engaged and married yr3. I don't have a desire to date for the rest of my life. I don't have a facination to jump from woman to woman. Most of my friends have settled down and like me. They don't have any desire to keep dating for life.

 

I have seen friends make big misitakes that they are still paying for. Like Out of wedlock kids. Not finishing school. It has wreaked havoc on thee life.

Edited July 22, 2017 by Mysterio

[Ieris]

For me.. looks to catch my attention then personality to keep my attention.

[shoplocal]

Gaera. I hear what your saying. I still think that we all need to be practical.

 

I am single with a Condo and a cat. I am car-less. As I really don't need one as I practically live 7 minutes form the mall. I can't see myself at 46. Being with a woman that has 5 kids and I being thrown in there and it will be bliss***.

 

The only situation that is going to work for me is a woman that is Single/Widowed/Divorced-no kids. Or the same with 1-2 kids. If she is Separated. Then a Divorce with her ex has to be eminent wihin a year to the point where it does not hinder us. If those factors are not in place. What the point. She gets to be on easy street with me. There is no major ex that she has to tussle with.

 

My friend DT has to put up with his GF being still married with to her ex and she has kids with him and DT. They just had a second child. Her oldest is having problems in school that he is skipping class. All of what I have statted, would not be happening under my watch. No way would my almost step son be skipping class. My Gf will not be married to her ex still and I have bio kids with her during that. The best it would be is that I support her getting divorced. We get married after that and I may let bio kids happen early than later and the only reason I would have bio kids is that We are both in agreement that we have something to offer them, in terms of life guidance. I don't want to bring children into the world because we can make it happen biologically

 

Whats wrong in being methodical. My timeline is this. Which I think is reasonable. Meet/Date Year 1. BF/GF till Year 2. Engaged and married yr3. I don't have a desire to date for the rest of my life. I don't have a facination to jump from woman to woman. Most of my friends have settled down and like me. They don't have any desire to keep dating for life.

 

I have seen friends make big misitakes that they are still paying for. Like Out of wedlock kids. Not finishing school. It has wreaked havoc on thee life.

 

Mysterio, why are you so strict??? I mean, I get your caution - people jump into/create some seriously messy situations - but if you trust yourself, why make all these rules and restrictions before you meet someone?

 

As a reforming rule-maker, I will tell you: the uncertainty of life doesn't change, but the freedom to make your own decisions AND trust yourself are kinda cool.

 

This. Sometimes I think it takes getting burned by the "beautiful people" before folks figure this out.

 

This may sound like a tall tale but it certainly isn't.. When I was in college I dated a girl who was Miss -Insert My State-. We dated for around three months and they were not a fun three months.. The sex was great (she was mind blowingly hot) but she was a seriously arrogant witch. Her and I were supposed to go to a movie one weekday night but she cancelled on me and said she needed to get caught up in a class. I didn't have class the next day until noon so I went down to the bars. Low and behold, I found her plopped on some dude's lap in the corner of one of those bars.

 

Up until that point, I had focused solely on physical attributes and it came back to bite me. At this point in my life, I would only end up out on ONE date with a woman who was that arrogant.

 

Stupid question - OatsAndHall: was the sex good because she was hot, or because she did fabulous things in bed? Also, nice username - one of my fave albums is the Hall & Oates double CD greatest hits album. :-p

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[Cookiesandough]

For me.. looks to catch my attention then personality to keep my attention.

 

Same here. If he doesn't have the looks, I won't fall/crush, I'll keep looking. But if he has the bare minimum looks-wise to where I am attracted, personality takes lead. If his personality is blah his looks don't matter anyway.

Edited July 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough
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[thefooloftheyear]

You can have it all.....just make sure you bring it all....

 

 

TFY

[Mysterio]

Mysterio, why are you so strict??? I mean, I get your caution - people jump into/create some seriously messy situations - but if you trust yourself, why make all these rules and restrictions before you meet someone?

 

As a reforming rule-maker, I will tell you: the uncertainty of life doesn't change, but the freedom to make your own decisions AND trust yourself are kinda cool.

 

I Dont think I am rigid. I think that I am way too loose. All my male friends that are married. They were no nonesense as well. Their wives are more girl next door types. They don't play games. I have only two female friends that are married. Ironically both were almost divorced, until the husbands got back on track with them.

 

In order for me to have a stable relationship that may evolve into marriage and even if kids are in the cards. That woman is going to have to be Single/Widowed/Divorced without kids. Or all three with 1-2 kids. If she Separated. She is going to have to be able to convey to me that the marriage is over and a Legal Divorce is on the docket of being finalized. I may give her year to get that wrapped up, depending on certain variable Did I just meet her. How long has she been separated.

 

Married Women and Women with BF or EX they can't get out of their system are obviously out. I also don't fee like a woman with 5 kids is going to work out if all the kids are under 20. I a going by my age. If I am 66 and she is 56 and she has 5 kids that area out of the house or the last two are late teens. Its a different story.

 

There is no way for my. A woman that is on year 5 of being separated from her Husband and expects me to be a great BF to her and live with that. Good luck. I am not that guy. Once again. Single/Widowed/Divorced with no kids or 1-2 kids are the only women I can date and wee where it goes. Separated. Gets a year possibly and there will be no living together or kids with me. Until There is a Divorce finalized. Add that to the S/W/D women as well. The only living together that will happen is after an engagment and that after at least 2 yrs of being together. No bio kids till after marriage. Thats the way it has to be.

 

No way is a Separated women with 5 kids getting me to have kids with her and live with her. I can't see it as being successful in my eyes. I base it on what I have seen over the years.

[Mysterio]

Cookiedough. What type of looks are you looking for that get your blood pumping.

 

For me. As long as I can look at her and say she is some variation of being pretty or beautiful. Its so hard. I think our Society has given us too much of an inflated view of looks that we basically price people out, because they are not on the level of Movie stars etc in term of looks.

[CptInsano]

For me. As long as I can look at her and say she is some variation of being pretty or beautiful. Its so hard. I think our Society has given us too much of an inflated view of looks that we basically price people out, because they are not on the level of Movie stars etc in term of looks.

 

I don't know if you had the chance to see it, but people act rather odd when they happen to be around movie stars. I remember an event where a TV actress showed up, and she wasn't even famous.

 

Guys behaved like total morons, even though they didn't have the slightest chance. (If you've ever observed piranhas being fed, it kinda looked like that.)

 

While I don't believe in leagues, I would agree with you that many have an inflated view of what their spouse should look like.