Personality vs Physical Looks

[WaitingForBardot]

Looking across my LTRs over my lifetime, I can't really say what it was specifically that attracted me to many of them at first, I was just... attracted.

 

However, I can say that of the relationships I chose to end, most were due to personality mismatches rather than dissatisfaction over looks, whatever that might indicate about my original choosing...

[OatsAndHall]

Stupid question - OatsAndHall: was the sex good because she was hot, or because she did fabulous things in bed? Also, nice username - one of my fave albums is the Hall & Oates double CD greatest hits album. :-p

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It was both.. She was gorgeous and great in bed. That should have been a clue into her personality though as we were both only 21 years old.. She apparently had some experience...

 

But, it was certainly a learning lesson for me about dialing in on physical features. Up to that point, I was arrogant and stupid enough to think I was destined to be with beauty queens and fitness models. But, after that, I was devastated and told myself that I wasn't going to get stuck in a situation like that again. So, I dated more women that I would have originally (and arrogantly) referred to as "below my league" and had a few quality relationships from it. I learned to find at least one physical attribute that I was attracted to and went from there. A pretty set of eyes, a cute smile, a dimple, etc..etc.. I find those one or two things I think are attractive, let it catch my attention and then became more attuned to a woman's personality.

 

This has served me well over the years. I have had some great experiences with some good women. Unfortunately, I lost sight of that with my ex-wife as she is an exceptionally attractive woman and, on the surface, has a wonderful personality. However, underneath that surface lies a seriously unstable woman. I didn't truly recognize how screwed up she is until I was immersed in a marriage with her and my three former stepsons.

 

My last paragraph is why I strongly encourage people to take the "beauty is only skin deep" approach to dating. It's far too easy to limit ourselves to specific "physical types" and ignore some red flags when it comes to personality. I, for one, LOVE fair skinned/light haired women (especially redheads..) but it wouldn't be smart of me to limit myself to that blondes and redheads when I date as I could be missing out on some wonderful experiences.

[Chilli]

l still need both , still got looks and body and l need the same .

But personality is also huge for me , and so hard to find in the sort of person l like especially as they're much older now than the last time l was a free man.

[carhill]

www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/494146-personality-overriding-physical-looks

 

www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/607490-physical-looks-vs-personality

 

www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/617589-physical-attraction-vs-personality

 

I see this has come up before

 

My comment from the earliest thread of yours, to me, still has traction:

 

Think of romance more like music than a spreadsheet.

[Blanco]

Has to to be some degree of both if it's to be anything more than a passing fling.

 

I have noticed, though, that personality defects can alter the way I view someone's physical appearance. I remember with one ex, I was drawn in by her incredible beauty. She had a great personality, too. Clever, intelligent, quick-witted. The two in tandem meant that every time I saw her, I just wanted to be all over her.

 

As the relationship progressed and I saw some of her less desirable traits emerge, my physical attraction to her took a hit. She didn't look any different, but I was suddenly a bit less insatiable around her. Something always made me bounce back, but that attraction waned as she became more critical and unreasonable about a myriad of things.

 

I recall, about a year into the relationship, we were at a mall and had gone to separate stores with a plan to meet up at a certain time. I got to the spot first and saw her coming my way in the distance. I remember thinking, "Why am I with *her*?" It was one of those moments that startles you, because you catch yourself off guard with your own thoughts.

[Usename12]

Also how do you asses yourself when it comes to looks and personality..

 

What are you implying here?

 

In seriousness, I wish I didn't care about a woman's physical beauty. I've tried to date women who I was lukewarm on physically and have met some amazingly brilliant, funny, personable and sweet women who don't look like Sports Illustrated models. But still I have a hard time looking past their looks.

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah, I really don't like the shaming people do to people who are unlike them, and don't become attracted based on personality alone. It's like calling a gay man shallow because he likes penises. Please. People who are only attracted to those with particular looks don't choose what gets them hot. I wish I could get past it, but I can't. Instead of feeling disdain, people should feel pity for their limited dating pool. Particularly if it's unrealistic

 

Mysterio, the guys I like vary, it's hard to pinpoint my type, but it's rare. It's kind of a "know it when you see it" By no means would they make a Hugo Boss ad, but I am specific and if the physical attraction isn't there, they can have the best personality in the world, but I can't date them

 

I have a term for people whose personalities I fall in love with but feel no physical attraction to and that is 'friends'.

[Imported]

What I am physically attracted to and then if I actually like them as a person.

 

You might as well be asking, 'hey, what's more important, having a car (internal combustion) or being able to pay for gas for the car?'

[NuevoYorko]

"vs" has no place in the discussion of what makes people attracted to each other. It's not one or the other; almost never.

[Novz]

A struggle for all who's looking for a partner.

 

As for me, ever since I was a teen I have my eyes on anyone who has maturity. Looks come 2nd. I knew even before that looks can only get my attention for only a short time but it is one's personality that make me hook into him. Maturity is totally my weakness. I prefer my man that way than physically conscious but has lesser plan about the future.

[bebe23]

I've been married for 21 years so it's been so long for me to recall all the reasons why I agreed to date my husband, but I do remember his personality being the thing that made me smile.

 

He had a goofy, sort of 'dorky' sense of humor which was something that I needed at that time in my life. He was also sweet, and came across as intelligent because he liked to talk about scientific facts. (I remember it was plants and botany.) Not my big interest but I liked that he was passionate about it.

 

Looks-wise, he did have the coloring and facial features that I adored in a guy (dark hair, puppy dog brown eyes, and cheek dimples.) It was just enough to put him on my 'kinda cute!' list.

 

But I'd probably say he wasn't my first choice looks wise. He had acne scars which I overlooked (because of his personality) and he was skinnier than the football player/stocky guys I'm most attracted to (also overlooked because of his personality.) And the fact that he was physically VERY strong despite his wiry build- he could lift an entire canoe and carry it. I remember being impressed.

 

So overall, it was more personality over looks for me. If I were to be single today, it would be even MORE so. When I was young I didn't like overweight men with bellies, and now I would definitely date them. Same with bald, same with 5'4 or 5'5. But he would still have to be FUNNY. With good writing, grammar and spelling skills, and at least a college educated intelligence.

Edited July 27, 2017 by bebe23