Getting Divorced and Feeling Stuck

[capital]

Any advice appreciated. I left my husband in March, it's now July, and I feel like I'm on the right track, but I don't know what to do next.

 

Background: We had problems that came to a head ~1.5 years ago, mostly because he had a very specific vision for his future, and what I wanted didn't seem to factor into those plans at all. I was welcome to come along for the ride of what would be his life, but he wasn't interested in compromising on literally anything. I tried talking to him about it, about how unfair it felt that he would get everything he wanted at the sacrifice of the things I wanted (if we were to stay together), but he would inevitably lock himself into a room and refuse to talk about it. He did this for every issue we had. Basically, if I brought up a "hard" topic, his response was to give me the silent treatment.

 

So I said I wanted to break up and he agreed. Well after a few weeks of this (living in the same house, trying to avoid one another), he did a 180 and said he would do anything to be with me. So we laid out the things we each wanted (me: a baby, him: career goals), and agreed we could compromise on these things. Because of the nature of his career goals, it meant I would have to give up some degree of control in my own career plans, and it definitely meant we wouldn't be able to live near my parents as we could end up living literally anywhere depending on his job offer. For him, the compromise meant having a baby that he really didn't want to have, but said that he realized having one wouldn't be the end of the world.

 

Fast forward 6 months post-reconciliation: I left a job I hated and started my own business that could be done from home. I did that for several reasons, including my own professional interests, but also to give my husband 100% flexibility in his job search. This helped us circumvent the "two-body" problem we'd been having in terms of our careers.

 

Whether or not I realized it at the time, he started to become distant around this period. He began hanging out with a younger group of people, and while I was usually invited to come along if I wanted, it was so late at night I just couldn't stay up for these get-togethers and told him to go ahead and enjoy himself. He also began traveling even more for work than he already had been, including plans to go away for 3 months for a job-related fellowship. In this period, I became somewhat of a mouse, never telling him how lonely and ignored I felt. I kept it to myself because I figured this was kind of the "deal" or compromise we had struck - for us to be together and for me to have the baby I wanted, I needed to 100% support his career decisions, no matter what. That's what he wanted from me. Ironically, though, when I'd point out that I partially switched jobs for him, he was adamant, "you didn't do that for me." In retrospect, I should have seen that he wasn't interested in holding up his end of the compromise. By switching jobs to make it easier for him to get his dream job, I guess it made him feel beholden to the things I I wanted, and that's something he couldn't tolerate.

 

So he gets back after another multi-week trip in which he'd not called me once, but texted me every few days because he was "too busy" to do more. During this time, it was starting to really dawn on me how much we had drifted apart, and maybe this was a little inevitable given how long we'd been together (~12 years - college sweethearts). So when he gets back, we go on a walk together, and he asks me what I want for my birthday. I say honestly I would really like to start trying to have a baby.

 

He says no. Just puts his foot down and says no. I got upset, remind him of what we'd agreed on the year before, and he says sorry, but no, he's not going to do that, and then reiterates all his plans again, and says I can go along with them or not. Basically, we were back to exactly where we had been a year earlier...

 

After a few more weeks of fighting about it, I left. Packed up my car, took our pets, and drove up to my parents house two states away. It took me all that time, but I finally realized he was never going to change, and I didn't want to be the side-kick in his life. I wanted a shared life, but he just couldn't do it (for all kinds of reasons, but in my opinion mostly because his parents got divorced and have behaved pretty selfishly ever since, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. I think the message he got from this experience was you take care of yourself and don't give a rat's ass what other people want, because they're only going to hurt you.)

 

All of this is a long-winded way of reminding myself that I've made the right decision. For months I had been vaguely wondering whether he was cheating on me, but I don't think he was. He just wasn't interested in sharing our lives anymore, and that's not a situation I wanted to be in. So even though he was my best friend, and I loved him until the end, I just knew I couldn't be in such an unequal relationship. (And frankly, he wasn't being much of a friend anymore, much less my "best friend.)

 

Ok, so now we're separated. When he tried to once again get back together (more or less because I'm a decent roommate who took care of him and would have sex with him, not once did he say because he loved me), I put the kibosh on it by reiterating the baby-issue. At this point, I didn't even want to have a baby with him anymore and felt incredibly lucky I dodged that bullet, but it succeeded in driving him off. Can you imagine how much worse it would have been to live with such a selfish person AND have a baby together? What a disaster that would have been. I don't know what I was thinking (we're just not rational when we're in love).

 

We've been more or less civil since the separation and have done a good job of separating the logistics and assets of our lives. He treats me like a stranger, but I guess that's better than fighting.

 

I've gotten past the crying/depressive stage. I'm seeing a counselor, going to meetups, visiting friends, etc. I'm also saving lots of money living at home and I'm very, very close to having a downpayment for my own house (which I would probably share with a roommate, but you get the idea). I think by any measure I'm doing really well.

 

And yet I feel so stuck. I feel like I've made my life so much worse than it was before. Yeah, I was lonely and ignored then, but I'm lonely now too without any friends AND my household income has been cut in half.

 

Temporarily living at home with my parents is good for my finances, and it's especially good for my pets since it would be very hard to find a rental with them (my dog is a german shepherd and they're on the "banned breeds" list for rental companies, plus most private landlords don't allow pets anyway, for good reason). But my parents live ~ 1h from the nearest city and there's no one here my own age to hang out with. Leaving my husband and moving away also meant giving up all the friends I'd made over the last few years. All my high school friends have either moved away or are busy with their own lives.

 

So I'm stuck at home, making middling money at the job I created out of nothing, and trying my best to make new friends, but I feel like the distance issue is such a barrier to making deeper connections. I'm meeting people, but I'm not getting to "know" them.

 

I really just want to buy a modest house closer to the city, but the prices are insane, and I'm just not there yet. But the longer I wait to move out, the more isolated I feel. Part of me thinks I really can't get past this breakup without being on my own. I love my parents. They are supportive, loving people, and in some ways I'm kind of glad to be here to help them, because they're going through some health issue. But if I didn't have pets, I would be renting somewhere in the city. But the fact is I do have pets, and I love them more than anything and feel 100% committed to them. If I had known I would be in this position, maybe I wouldn't have gotten animals, but they far precede these issues we had in our marriage. I just assumed we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, so I made decisions based on that and now I'm very much feeling the consequences in all kinds of ways. For one thing, I really wish I hadn't spent so much of my money on his student loans - but the fact is I did, because I thought when you get married you take responsibility for these things together. I wanted those debts gone fast, so every bit of cash we had, including christmas gifts from my parents, was used to pay down his highest interest loans.

 

Gosh, sorry for blathering. I guess I'm mostly posting this for myself. It feels good to shout out this stuff, but if anyone has any ideas for how I can feel less "stuck," I'd be all ears. How did you make new friends after your divorce? How did you get your finances back on track? Basically, how did you feel like you really got your "new" life going again.

 

Thanks in advance.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Welcome, Capital! You definitely made the right decision. I'm thinking you must be around 30? Is this correct? I'm sorry you and your ex's paths didn't continue moving in the same direction . Sounds like you gave it the best effort you could have. But yes, REALLY good you didn't have kids!

 

It sounds like you're doing all of the right things with regard to saving money to buy a house, making efforts to make friends, etc. I'd say just have a bit more patience . Some ways I've made friends in the last couple of years (I'm in my 40s) is by joining a single moms Meetup group, buying a home and becoming friends with my realtor lol, and becoming friends with my dog sitter! We hang out all the time now (well, when I go out). Once you DO buy a home, you'll probably meet people just walking your dog, too. For now, maybe a hiking meetup group?

 

I have a good friend whose husband cheated and left the family right after all of HIS student loans were paid off. I feel for ya!!!

[capital]

Welcome, Capital! You definitely made the right decision. I'm thinking you must be around 30? Is this correct? I'm sorry you and your ex's paths didn't continue moving in the same direction . Sounds like you gave it the best effort you could have. But yes, REALLY good you didn't have kids!

 

It sounds like you're doing all of the right things with regard to saving money to buy a house, making efforts to make friends, etc. I'd say just have a bit more patience . Some ways I've made friends in the last couple of years (I'm in my 40s) is by joining a single moms Meetup group, buying a home and becoming friends with my realtor lol, and becoming friends with my dog sitter! We hang out all the time now (well, when I go out). Once you DO buy a home, you'll probably meet people just walking your dog, too. For now, maybe a hiking meetup group?

 

I have a good friend whose husband cheated and left the family right after all of HIS student loans were paid off. I feel for ya!!!

 

Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts. You're absolutely right. I know I need to be more patient. I know it takes time to make friends. It took me years to find a great group of people where I was previously living with my husband, so I don't know why I think it'll happen again overnight. I like your idea of doing a hiking meetup, a lot. I'll check that out.

 

I just turned 31, and I guess I thought I'd be further along in life than I am at this point. I'm sure this is a common feeling on this forum. I thought we were just months away from paying off debts, having a baby, and putting down roots... Obviously, it's all for the best and if I had continued down that track with him it probably would have turned out even worse than it is now. What if we had moved to a different country for his work, with a baby he didn't want, and with all our savings sunk into a house together? From that pov, I'm well ahead of the curve. Got to stay positive.

 

And I've got to remember that however things work out, I will not be living with my parents for the rest of my life. I will figure something out. In theory I could, housing is cheaper even further away from the city, but I don't think that will solve my isolation issue. Patience on this one too, I guess.

[preraph]

You can't stay with him. He will tell you anything to keep you there longer under his terms, but when it comes down to it, he isn't going to do anything he doesn't want to do.

 

I have to tell you that you should NEVER try to talk someone who doesn't want kids into fathering your child! Think about that. You called him selfish, but foisting a father who doesn't like kids on your baby is selfish too. You were certainly not thinking about the best interests of the child but only your own desire to have one. So I'm glad you now realize you dodged a bullet and that that subject is closed.

 

If you can't afford a home in your area, move somewhere affordable. I will never understand why anyone lives in these high-dollar cities when the rest of the country is more affordable and usually has nicer homes at cheaper prices and better to raise kids in too. Having a dog is pretty easy if you have a home with a high fence (for your big dog) and a dog door so it can come in and out while you're at work. And it also makes a better place for your child to play, in a fenced backyard, so you don't have to always be right on top of them.

 

I think you're on the right path here, though it was painful getting to this point, certainly. Concentrate on working and maybe get two jobs for awhile to save money. Even an $8 15 hour a week job is $5000 a year extra income. So take something part-time and easy in addition to your main job. Then consider moving somewhere more affordable and finding a job or jobs there, and then worry about a new man and babies. Change is usually good. I wish you the best of luck.

[capital]

You can't stay with him. He will tell you anything to keep you there longer under his terms, but when it comes down to it, he isn't going to do anything he doesn't want to do.

 

I have to tell you that you should NEVER try to talk someone who doesn't want kids into fathering your child! Think about that. You called him selfish, but foisting a father who doesn't like kids on your baby is selfish too. You were certainly not thinking about the best interests of the child but only your own desire to have one. So I'm glad you now realize you dodged a bullet and that that subject is closed.

 

If you can't afford a home in your area, move somewhere affordable. I will never understand why anyone lives in these high-dollar cities when the rest of the country is more affordable and usually has nicer homes at cheaper prices and better to raise kids in too. Having a dog is pretty easy if you have a home with a high fence (for your big dog) and a dog door so it can come in and out while you're at work. And it also makes a better place for your child to play, in a fenced backyard, so you don't have to always be right on top of them.

 

I think you're on the right path here, though it was painful getting to this point, certainly. Concentrate on working and maybe get two jobs for awhile to save money. Even an $8 15 hour a week job is $5000 a year extra income. So take something part-time and easy in addition to your main job. Then consider moving somewhere more affordable and finding a job or jobs there, and then worry about a new man and babies. Change is usually good. I wish you the best of luck.

 

I should clarify I don't believe his not wanting to have children is selfish, and believe me I wasn't trying to foist it on him. We were discussing it and for a while, he seemed to be on board, but I guess in the end his desire to not have children outweighed his desire to be with me, and vice versa.

 

What I consider selfish was his "my way or the highway" attitude. It's not fair if only one person in the relationship has to do all the compromising, and in this case, I was being asked to give up a pretty big thing - my chance to have children, plus my say in where I lived and what I did for a living (we both have pretty specialized jobs).

 

Anyway, just wanted to clear that up. There was no way I was going to force him to have children. That's why I left the first time. But he told me he had changed his mind - it just turned out he really hadn't. So if you look at it another way, he was trying to foist a childless life on me by misrepresenting his feelings, like you said, saying anything to keep me around. Well fool me once...

 

You're right about the high cost of living with these big cities, but there are advantages, such as being near great, high-paying job opportunities if I were to decide to shut down my business. There's also the advantage of being near my peers and lots of culture. I already live far out from the city and there just isn't anyone here my age. They're all moving to the city, so I guess that's why I want to be there. Am I entitled to live closer to the city? Nope, definitely not, which is why you're right the answer is to make more money if I want to do something like that or to at the very least get my own place. Course, easier said than done when I'm still struggling with the sadness of the split and feeling a little pathetic living at home/not having any local friends.

 

Anyway, I don't want the moon here. I know I'll never be able to live downtown or anything like that. I'd just like to live in a slightly closer, suburban neighborhood with some access to public transportation, so I can pop into the city for an afternoon and hang out with the friends I'll hopefully be making. I don't need a big house or a big yard, but a girl can dream about a little house and yard with a roommate in a safe area, can't she? If my parents didn't live in this area, maybe it wouldn't matter exactly where I lived, but they're getting older and I'd like to be near them. In all likelihood, I'm going to be their primary caregivers in the next 10 or 15 years (my brother has bought a place in a different city). If that's the case, then I want to be near them to help out however I can.

 

I guess the more and more I think about it, the more the answer seems to be make more money. I've put a lot into starting my own business, and it's succeeding. I'm making and saving money, but there are scaling issues. Maybe it's time I face reality, get a new job, and shut it down.

 

Divorce really sucks.

 

ETA: In retrospect, I shouldn't have trusted his pretty weak agreement to have a baby with me. I just loved him so much, I guess I was looking for any reason to stay, even if it meant giving up so many other things. Like I said, I really dodged a bullet in what would have been a terrible mistake, and you're right, it wouldn't have been in the best interest of the kid. Even if it hurt, I'm really lucky he stood his ground. Live and learn, this is definitely a mistake I won't be making again. If I were anywhere close to dating again (don't see that happening any time soon), I know I'd be looking for someone who proactively wanted children. Our problem was falling in love when we were both very young and neither one of us was thinking about having kids. Heck, I don't think I really knew I wanted to have them until a few years ago.

Edited July 21, 2017 by capital

[d0nnivain]

Let's look at the stuff you can fix & the easiest one is income. Either ramp up what you are doing to make more money from the business you started or go back to work for someone else & start earning a pay check that will allow you to save for the house you want. Consider a second job, even if it's driving Uber / Lyft or selling unwanted stuff on e-bay. Do research on making more money.

 

 

If you decide to grow your business -- network, network, network. Get out there & do some personal marketing: Chamber of Commerce meetings, BNI, meet-up groups for entrepreneurs, business card exchanges, etc. These things will give you a social outlet too, which will enable you to make friends & possibly make a romantic connection. I met my husband at a business card exchange.

 

 

Consider volunteering somewhere doing something you are passionate about: animal rescue, politics, even something like the Elks, the Lions, or Rotary. Again you will be surrounded with like minded people & you will feel better as you give back to your community. Plus the more people you meet, the more people you can turn into customers for your business.

[capital]

Let's look at the stuff you can fix & the easiest one is income. Either ramp up what you are doing to make more money from the business you started or go back to work for someone else & start earning a pay check that will allow you to save for the house you want. Consider a second job, even if it's driving Uber / Lyft or selling unwanted stuff on e-bay. Do research on making more money.

 

 

If you decide to grow your business -- network, network, network. Get out there & do some personal marketing: Chamber of Commerce meetings, BNI, meet-up groups for entrepreneurs, business card exchanges, etc. These things will give you a social outlet too, which will enable you to make friends & possibly make a romantic connection. I met my husband at a business card exchange.

 

 

Consider volunteering somewhere doing something you are passionate about: animal rescue, politics, even something like the Elks, the Lions, or Rotary. Again you will be surrounded with like minded people & you will feel better as you give back to your community. Plus the more people you meet, the more people you can turn into customers for your business.

 

All great ideas, thank you. When I first left, I had big plans for volunteering more of my time, but I honestly haven't followed through on that. Thanks for reminding me.

 

And yes, there is a local meeting related to my business I should go to for networking purposes. It's expensive, but I'll call and ask them about my options.

[d0nnivain]

Avoid the for pay networking meetings initially. There are plenty out there that are more cost effective. As your income improves then you can graduate to the expensive groups.