One night stand early in relationship, just found out

[aemmbw]

I've been seeing someone for about 18 months and it's not been the easiest of relationships. We are both in our mid-30s. She has bouts of depression and a lot of insecurity and self-doubt. But I really care for her and we have great times. I feel really close to her and we look after each other and communicate really well. I've never had to work so hard in a relationship.

 

We had an uneasy start and we didn't sleep together for about 8 months because she didn't feel comfortable. But recently she admitted to me that about 3 months into our relationship she went on dates with a couple of other guys and had a one-night stand with one of them. She said it was easier to have sex with a stranger and that it meant nothing.

 

I was dealing with it ok but now I find it's preying on my mind. I feel like a second choice and that I've been used as an emotional support while she went off and found sex. My level of trust in her is really low. We've talked about it but it ends up in an argument. She maintains it meant nothing but it hurts me a lot.

 

Am I being over sensitive? Should I just be saying what's done is done? I feel like ending the relationship but a lot of water has gone under the bridge and I feel I would be throwing away a lot of hard work that we've both put into it.

 

What would you do?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Ouch..

 

The only advice I can give you is what I would do..

If it was 3 weeks into the relationship then I would've just let it go.. but 3 months..

I fell she is gonna cheat on you again..

you were a second choice at that point but she did stay with you..

I would gauge how sorry she really feels and if you feel comfortable with it let it go until she gives you another reason to make a deal out of it..

It is a red flag and if it were ME I would also consider kicking her to the curb and avoid the future hurt that will likely come.

She did come clean with you and that should carry some weight.. but not a lot..

[Cecelius]

Even if it wasn't cheating, it still smells to me. Why would I want to date a girl that I am putting energy, emotion, etc., into who won't sleep with me but will give it out to a dude who bought her some chow? Second, the fact that she had that intimacy problem SERIOUSLY suggests that there are massive problems down the road.

 

Best answer? Get out now.

[Bryanp]

Huge red flag. It was 3 months into the relationship when she had sex with another man behind your back. The fact that she would say it is easier to have sex with a stranger and it did not mean anything indicates she does not see this as a problem. Why you would wish to invest your time with a person who tells you it is easier to have sex with a stranger which means nothing to her would have me running for the hills. It sounds like the next time she gets into a major depression with you it would not be a problem of her having sex with a stranger. This is as big as a red flag as you are going to get.

[Cecelius]

Agree with Bryanp -- this will blow up at some point.

 

Plus, no offense, most people who are capable of lies and deception also have learned to confess to some things and catch some of the flack, but hold the whole story back to save some face.

 

How sure are you that she's telling the truth? That it was 3 months in and not three months ago? That it was one time? That it was a stranger? Its possible that she's retrofiting the story back to a time when you were not sleeping with her -- she may feel that because you were not sleeping with her it wasn't "really" cheating because you didn't really have a relationship yet.

 

Too many questions.

[aemmbw]

Thanks for your responses.

 

It was three months in. I know now the night it was. To cut a long story short we'd argued about something after being out one Saturday night and she said she wanted time out for a couple of weeks. She said she'd booked herself to go speed dating on the following Tuesday because she didn't think we'd been getting on that well and she wanted to "keep her options open". I said, fine, I can't stop you, all I ask is that you are fair to me.

 

So we had two weeks pretty much no contact apart from texting. We started talking again on the phone and things were going well for about a week. I thought she'd got the whole thing out of her system. We wanted to meet up at the w/e and she said Sunday. She called me on the Sunday afternoon to arrange to meet and we chatted. She said she'd been out for a drink and to a Chinese restaurant the previous evening and she was tired because things had gone on a bit late. I asked who she'd been out with and she said "aw, just a friend, an old friend".

 

(OK, I sound stupid writing this in hindsight but relationships start with trust don't they?)

 

We got on well then but I was getting annoyed because she was purposefully holding back on having sex and we talked about it the next weekend. That's when she told me she had slept with someone "recently". When I asked how recently, she back-tracked and lied about the date, saying it was a couple of months before we met (it was actually the previous weekend).

 

It was a couple of months ago that she admitted more about it, that it had been one of the guys she met speed dating. I asked how it had happened and she said they had met for a drink and gone for a Chinese and she had gone back to his place rather than pay for the taxi home. She said they had stayed up chatting, she went to bed in the spare room and he came in in the early hours of the morning.

 

I do believe what she tells me. What bugs me is that

 

(a) she was in bed with this guy on the Sunday morning and holding my hand in a bar on the Sunday evening,

 

(b) she won't be sorry about it. She's said things like "He meant nothing to me, and I meant nothing to him, it was just a ****" and "I had a drunken night out and a one-night stand, there's no need to beat me up about it" or "You feel obliged when you stay at someone's house don't you?". It's all denial of her own choices as far as I can see, like it was inevitable and she had no control over it.

 

If it had happened only last week I would have been out of there but we've become close since then. I just feel that we've got a relationship that wouldn't have existed without a huge lie and that it's something that won't heal, however well we get on now. I don't think that she'd do it again, but if she gets low and has a few drinks, who knows?

 

OK, I'm in danger of talking myself out of what is otherwise a good relationship here. She's great to be with, we get on really well and I would be losing a lot over something that happened over a year ago.

[Cecelius]

Well, I give you that it wasn't cheating -- when she said break, everyone knows that means "free to ****" if they want to.

 

I think she treats you like a chump, personally, and for my mileage, she sounds like a headcase (again, you're dating her 3 mos but she'll hook up with someone from "speed dating").

 

But I agree you cannot beat her up about it -- my gut in your situation would say get out.

[Spectre]

shes cheated, theres no excuse, dump the skank and find a non-skank, even if it was a "break" to you want a chick that goes on a break with you just to go bang some dudes? thats trashy as hell, who cares if shes depressed, no excuse for that period, unless the guy was able to shoot out doses of zoloft

[Spectre]

Originally posted by aemmbw

 

 

 

(b) she won't be sorry about it. She's said things like "He meant nothing to me, and I meant nothing to him, it was just a ****" and "I had a drunken night out and a one-night stand, there's no need to beat me up about it" or "You feel obliged when you stay at someone's house don't you?". It's all denial of her own choices as far as I can see, like it was inevitable and she had no control over it.

 

 

she is TRASHY, dump her, wtf? how come theres so many guys who would put up with their gf banging another dude? i must be in the minority, and thats truly truly sad, is this chick the best you can do? unless you've only been with trashy girls your whole life, she isnt

[Bryanp]

She says to you that she feels obligated to have sex with a guy if she stays over the night so she does not have to drive home drunk? This guy is a stranger and she puts her health at risk for STD's and lied to you about it?

You have got to be kidding. So the next time she is feeling low and drinking she will feel obligated to have sex with anyone she has to stay the night over at the place for fear of driving drunk home? You can do better than this. Sorry my friend but she sounds like someone with a broken moral compass. It is a matter of time down the road when this will happen again and I think you know this.

[upsetnhurt]

I can't even get over the thought that she had sex with the guy Sunday morning and then is holding your hand in a bar that evening.......If she is capable of that she is capable of anything and I bet lots more has gone on without you even knowing it. The innocence of the relationship is lost forever now and it will be quite difficult for you to move forward......how can you ever trust her again?

[Spectre]

And i most point out: being drunk isnt an excuse, there arent any secret nanobytes in booze that cause you to bang some guy in a drunken blur, its just an excuse, and if you cant handle your liquor dont drink, nobody forced you into the situation, so dont let her try to BS you with tales of how its the alcohols fault, do guns kill people? no, it takes someone to pull the trigger, just like it takes someone to pull off their clothes and get on top of some guy

[Sal Paradise]

Seriously dude, drop her before you get in deeper. She isn't worth it. No matter how much you're into her. There are plenty of sane chicks out there who you can get whom you will like just as much if not more. There is NO excuse to cheat. And as you say she isn't even remorseful. She see's nothing wrong with her behavior. She is a malicious lying c***. She won't sleep with you for 8 months but will bang some guy in a bar and dates on the side. To me she is settling for you until she finds something better. She likes you as a friend but she isn't satisfied with you. If she was she wouldn't be dating on the side. She's a whore. A worthless piece of ****. There is no other way to view it. She's cheated before and will do it again.

[Cecelius]

Not to disagree with Sal, 'cause I don't basically, but the thing of it is that people like yoiur g/f often masquerade as regular people. You read Sal's post, you start thinking "She's not that bad -- how dare he say.... etc."

 

She's got problems (clearly). She gives it away kind of easy (clearly)(oh, except for YOU). And she lies by omission (clearly). Whether she had to tell you or not, it's insanely unattractive and reminds me of street walker material more than g/f material.

 

In the end, she may have her good points, but that doesn't mean she's good enough for you.

[aemmbw]

Thanks for all your responses, you feel my pain.

 

I'll just add a few things, because it doesn't feel as black and white as I'm reading:

 

a. I don't know anyone's age here, but when you are in your 20s, I think you are much less tolerant of headcases and mistakes. It's easy, even expected to move from one relationship to another. When you pass 35, relationships need more putting into them, basically because single people over 35 have been getting it wrong, one way or another, for 15+ years and the "good" (i.e. easy to cope with) ones have gone. Is that fair, or are my expectations too low?

 

b. Yes, she does have problems. Yes she has lied. But she is not a whore and she is not malicious. Irresponsible, yes. Broken moral compass, probably. Had her heart broken a few times, definitely. I do believe this was a one-off thing. I still worry about depression, insecurity and/or alcohol making her vulnerable to a predatory guy.

 

c. This happened over a year ago. We've had well over a year of a really good relationship and we've worked hard at it and both got a lot out of it. I feel cautious about throwing that away because of something that happened back then.

 

I guess the difficulty is that if I'd known about this at the time, it would have ended there, no question about it. If I'd never found out, I would have had a good relationship, albeit based on a deception, and been perfectly happy. But I'm caught in the middle, with the worst of both worlds.

 

You know, I really appreciate all your responses. What would be great would be to hear a specifically female view on this.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by aemmbw

a. I don't know anyone's age here, but when you are in your 20s, I think you are much less tolerant of headcases and mistakes. It's easy, even expected to move from one relationship to another. When you pass 35, relationships need more putting into them, basically because single people over 35 have been getting it wrong, one way or another, for 15+ years and the "good" (i.e. easy to cope with) ones have gone. Is that fair, or are my expectations too low?

 

I'm approaching 35 -- my standards on physical attractiveness are becoming more reasonable; moral fibre? Never go down. We're not talking about something she did to someone else in the past-- it's something she did to you. Sure people make mistakes, and get over them -- with someone else.

 

Originally posted by aemmbw

I guess the difficulty is that if I'd known about this at the time, it would have ended there, no question about it. If I'd never found out, I would have had a good relationship, albeit based on a deception, and been perfectly happy. But I'm caught in the middle, with the worst of both worlds.

 

This is the only question that matters to me. She deprived you of your right to date someone you consider good enough -- now she's being obnoxious about it. This alone would be reason to leave.

[crazy_grl]

aemmbw, you wanted a female view on this, and mine agrees with the guys. While I wouldn't call her a whore or trash, she definately has problems. The reason I wouldn't call her those is because her view of relationships, herself, men, etc. is severly distorted so that she doesn't even realize what she's done is wrong in terms of the relationship. She's probably been hurt a lot, possibly abused, and doing things that cause herself a lot more pain.

 

But none of that is your problem. It's all hers, and you shouldn't have to deal with that s***. My advice would be to dump her, let her get herself together on her own, and find someone else who already is. But it sounds like you'll have a hard time doing that. So tell her to go get some counseling of her own (if she's already in it, get a different counselor) to work on the problems she has. Step back from the relationship, not quite a break, but not fully involved either (and specify that there will be no dating or sleeping around). And if you can, get to some couples counseling too.

 

To actually keep this relationship going, it's going to be a lot of hard work. Whatever you do, don't sweep this under the rug or you'll both end up miserable together.

[johnnyl321]

I still worry about depression, insecurity and/or alcohol making her vulnerable to a predatory guy.

 

i'm 40 year old male with a 45 year old girlfriend. so, i know how you feel about the "older" dating thing.

you knew that you'd get a lot of replies of dump her and move on, but, it seems like you are really in love with her, no matter what her hangups. but, what i pasted above will be the problem. you'll go sick with worry, anxiety and frustration. it may last another year or so and eventually it may fall to the wayside.

but what happens if she tells you she and her girlfriends want to go out for a night on the town? that anxiety will come back to you like a freighttrain. if she comes home at a decent hour, you'll just breathe a sigh of relief. if she doesn't, you're gonna be madder than a nest of hornets and who knows what may happen. she may tell you she fell asleep at her girlfriends house, but you won't believe it, because PRESENT BEHAVIOR IS MADE UP OF PAST EXPERIENCE.

you can't ask anyone else about it. you have to make the decision yourself. you already know the answer, but want justification for keeping her because you're grown accustomed to the living arrangement.

change your life. it will always be for the better.

 

good luck

[nicki]

Okay, another female here. If she is truly sorry about the cheating and wants to be with you, you have a few options. Do you want to stay with her?

 

In my opinion, due to this news you must leave, take a break, whatever you call (no dating others.) She needs a clear signal that you will not tolerate cheating. This will also give you time to get some distance and evaluate what you want and need.

 

Personally, I could never stay with a cheater unless they agreed to counselling. I would want to make sure that the REASON for cheating was dealt with. So it would never happen again.

 

An apology is not enough. Don't be a doormat or she will cheat anytime she wants. Make her work for it. On the other hand, you may decide that you just can't take her back. Or that you can take her back now, but later you just don't trust her enough to stay with her.

 

Either way, it's completely your choice in this matter. Good luck. Just make sure your eyes are wide open. Don't settle. Don't be afraid. There are a lot of good women out there. She may not be good enough for you.

[aemmbw]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

We talked some more. She appears to have created a partition in her mind between sex as a biological function and something that will almost certainly hurt her in a relationship. She says she is sorry but I'm not sure she knows what for. She's messed up.

 

I think it was a one-off but she doesn't take much responsibility for what was going on. Which worries me; although she is sorry to have hurt me, how can she say it won't happen again?

 

I can forgive what happened but she needs to change her viewpoint and I'm not sure I am up to the counselling and effort involved. We both got upset, I left and that's where we stand.

[Bryanp]

I think your analysis is correct. Her moral viewpoint is so screwed up. You are trying to turn an orange into an apple. I wish you luck.

[Cecelius]

If she doesn't see what happened as skanky or understand that it might hurt your feelings, then she has not learned anything from it, and she will only remain faithful to you to the extent that the stars in alligned and you happen to be doing enough stuff to keep her occupied.

 

Cheaters can recover, but usually only after they have suffered some consequense for what they did. She has suffered nothing.

 

Do you really want to continue with this woman, knowing that she is, out of the box, on a lesser value level than most other women?