Fiance still talking to his ex...?

[Sunberry]

My fiance loves helping people. So, when he told me he was helping a friend deal with the loss of her sibling I didn't have an issue with it. I told him that I hope she feels better and that it's nice he's helping her.

 

Fast forward a few months, and he's drunk. He accidentally sent something to me and told me that it was meant for his friend (the message was just what he was going to do tomorrow). I asked him how she was and after talking some more he then tells me that the girl he's been talking to for months is his EX. Before I could say ANYTHING, he begins to say "He will NOT stop talking to her as long as she wants support and friendship. Because she's a good person who's dealt with a lot of stuff".

 

I began to feel hurt, and even annoyed. I would've been okay if he explained in the beginning why he was doing it, but I'm more upset with the fact he didn't tell me she was his EX. So, now I don't know how to feel. I trust him, but my trust is shaking now....I don't know what to do..

[l8estnews]

My fiance loves helping people. So, when he told me he was helping a friend deal with the loss of her sibling I didn't have an issue with it. I told him that I hope she feels better and that it's nice he's helping her.

 

Fast forward a few months, and he's drunk. He accidentally sent something to me and told me that it was meant for his friend (the message was just what he was going to do tomorrow). I asked him how she was and after talking some more he then tells me that the girl he's been talking to for months is his EX. Before I could say ANYTHING, he begins to say "He will NOT stop talking to her as long as she wants support and friendship. Because she's a good person who's dealt with a lot of stuff".

 

I began to feel hurt, and even annoyed. I would've been okay if he explained in the beginning why he was doing it, but I'm more upset with the fact he didn't tell me she was his EX. So, now I don't know how to feel. I trust him, but my trust is shaking now....I don't know what to do..

 

Honestly, I would've defended him based on the title of your thread.I mean, what is wrong with just talking to his ex right? But the major red flag is the constant communication AND the blatant disrespect to you by saying "He will NOT stop talking to her as long as she wants support and friendship"

 

This guy is still in love with this girl, and I suggest cutting your losses as early as now.

[Try]

Some couples have established boundaries against even having opposite sex friends (OSF). Of the couples that do allow for OSF, for many good reasons most have a boundary against having exs as an OSF. When you read other threads on this and other sites, you will see that this is very common. Your fiancé knows this which is why he lied to you by omission about her being an ex. He also told you after the fact that he will not even have a discussion with you about this issue, and that your feelings do not matter to him, only proving that he still has feelings for her. BTW, if it has not gone physical, what you are describing sound very much like a text book emotional affair (EA). An EA is cheating.

 

Your fiancé is not good marriage material. As hard as it is now to find this out, it would be much worse if you found this out after you were married and had children with him.

[Space Ritual]

My fiance loves helping people. So, when he told me he was helping a friend deal with the loss of her sibling I didn't have an issue with it. I told him that I hope she feels better and that it's nice he's helping her.

 

Fast forward a few months, and he's drunk. He accidentally sent something to me and told me that it was meant for his friend (the message was just what he was going to do tomorrow). I asked him how she was and after talking some more he then tells me that the girl he's been talking to for months is his EX. Before I could say ANYTHING, he begins to say "He will NOT stop talking to her as long as she wants support and friendship. Because she's a good person who's dealt with a lot of stuff".

 

I began to feel hurt, and even annoyed. I would've been okay if he explained in the beginning why he was doing it, but I'm more upset with the fact he didn't tell me she was his EX. So, now I don't know how to feel. I trust him, but my trust is shaking now....I don't know what to do..

 

Sunberry, the title of your Original Post should now read:

 

MY EX FIANCE WAS TALKING TO HIS EX, NOW HE HAS 2 EXES

 

He is a liar. He has been banging her or never stopped. Men only give up a pipeline to sex with other women when it is no longer in their interest to do so. And he sees no consequence and he already stated he has no interest in stopping.

 

When he came out with the caveat that he would not stop talking to her , you must realize at that point he values her more than your relationship.

 

Sorry, but there is no use dragging out such silliness on his part. He is not marriage material and I am afraid if you do marry him that he will probably cheat on you at the reception with one of the bridesmaids if given the chance, perhaps because she "had been through alot leading up to the wedding rehearsal".

 

You have nothing to even think twice about. Make the decision to act and call any wedding off and get rid of him. He just showed you what he would be like s a husband, in that he would not care for you the way you deserve to be cared for by a husband.

 

And before you protest with "I've invested so much in this relationship", look at dumping him as investment in yourself and your principles. You can walk away from this relatively unscathed as opposed to finding all this out after marriage.

 

And make sure you tell every single person, especially HIS family. the exact reason you are breaking the engagement. You simply say

 

"I am not cool with my Fiance's girlfriend, so he had to go".

[d0nnivain]

The fact that he hid the exact nature of this friendship is a very bad thing.

 

 

I am not bothered by him being there for the EX in the face of her sibling's death. I assume he knew the deceased too. Like you said, had he been up front about it, instead of sneaky, you could have dealt with it. Now he's giving you ultimatums & there is a lot of on-going contact.

 

 

About 6 weeks after I met DH my immediate EX died. I was devastated with grief. He was also the first close contemporary I ever lost so the feeling of mortality was jarring too. I felt so terrible for his son & his family, all of whom I'd known since HS even though he & I didn't date until adulthood in our late 30s.

 

 

DH was so supportive of me. But everything was above board. He offered to go to the funeral with me. He understood when I'd cry. He even met some of my EX's family; that just happened, we didn't plan it. the difference between my situation & your FI, is I kept my BF fully in the loop. I wasn't hiding anything.

 

 

Put the WP on hold & get back as much of your deposits as you can. You can't go forward with a marriage under these circumstances. You need to get to the bottom of why he hid this from you. I totally get why the EX needs support; I don't see where your FI is the only person to provide that to her.

 

 

Better you found this out now, before the wedding, then having to get a divorce.

[smackie9]

Just me but I personally don't see anything wrong with staying friends as long as there are boundaries set....but to be lied about it is where I would have drawn the line. Lying is the worst deceit there is in my books. It goes to show that he doesn't have any trust in you, and IMO this will go beyond this incident with his ex. This relationship is doomed, and I would be giving the ring back.

 

The alarming thing is that he just blurts it out he isn't giving his relationship with his ex, that there is nothing more to discuss....he won't even give you a chance to communicate your thoughts on it....this fails. to hell with him.

Edited July 22, 2017 by smackie9

[Sunberry]

I've tried talking to him and he explained that he didn't maliciously withheld that information from me and that he just deemed it wasn't important. He said he talks to her 3-4 times every other month, but other than that's about it and then apologize for me having a "different expectation" and him disrespecting me.

 

He says I'm blowing this way out of porportion and he doesn't understand why I have an issue with it. He wants me to let it go.

[Zahara]

I've tried talking to him and he explained that he didn't maliciously withheld that information from me and that he just deemed it wasn't important. He said he talks to her 3-4 times every other month, but other than that's about it and then apologize for me having a "different expectation" and him disrespecting me.

 

He says I'm blowing this way out of porportion and he doesn't understand why I have an issue with it. He wants me to let it go.

 

He didn't deem it "important" because he wanted to hide it from you.

 

Of course he wants you to let it go. He just wants you to shut up and get over it so that he can go back to communicating with her.

 

You have to wonder what else he hides from you or lies about.

[l8estnews]

I've tried talking to him and he explained that he didn't maliciously withheld that information from me and that he just deemed it wasn't important.

 

This is Lying by omission. And who in their right mind would think this is a non-issue? This kind of thinking alone is a MAJOR Red Flag to me. Gosh, this is a mild gaslighting as well.

 

He said he talks to her 3-4 times every other month, but other than that's about it

 

I bet my whole year salary that this is not the truth. And even IF this is the truth, this is very inappropriate. There's an article I have read about this and I quote:

 

"Can you be friends with your ex without it affecting a new relationship?

 

Honestly I don’t think you can. Because what you had with that person will echo in your current relationship. Memories you shared will linger around you like a ghost.

 

Innocent relationships you maintain will cast a shadow over the new ones you should be building.

 

Your new partner is supposed to feel special, like the only person you will ever love. But how can they ever feel special when they are reminded that you have already experienced that love with somebody else?"

 

The fact that you posted this issue in this forum says a LOT about how you felt about the matter. Trust your gut feel.

[usa1ah]

I've tried talking to him and he explained that he didn't maliciously withheld that information from me and that he just deemed it wasn't important. He said he talks to her 3-4 times every other month, but other than that's about it and then apologize for me having a "different expectation" and him disrespecting me.

 

He says I'm blowing this way out of porportion and he doesn't understand why I have an issue with it. He wants me to let it go.

 

 

 

Here is the problem.

 

I will continue to talk and help and screw you. This is basically what he said. He put her over you. This should never have happened, ever. Especially with the two of you getting ready to marry one another. You have bigger problems then you think.

[Space Ritual]

I've tried talking to him and he explained that he didn't maliciously withheld that information from me and that he just deemed it wasn't important. He said he talks to her 3-4 times every other month, but other than that's about it and then apologize for me having a "different expectation" and him disrespecting me.

 

He says I'm blowing this way out of porportion and he doesn't understand why I have an issue with it. He wants me to let it go.

 

Of course he wants you to let it go!! You are cramping his style by questioning him. He would much rather you allow it to be swept under the rug while they have a good laugh at your expense. Do NOT fall for this crap, young lady!

 

Since when does HE get to determine what is of importance to you without your input. Again how dare you question him?

 

I am being facetious of course but I think you get the point. HOPEFULLY you do.

 

Can you see why your gut telling you something is rotten in Denmark is spot on? We do.

 

Can you see that this is important enough to you that you wrote here and sought advice? We do.

 

Collectively, we are all responding in basically the same way because this is pretty stock in trade of shifty and nefarious behavior by a fiance and we have seen it before and how the movie ends

 

I cannot be more adamant in hoping you put a stop to this. I would advise you to drop him like a bad fart in a crowded elevator, like right now. He is so full of crap his teeth are floating. Get rid of him or you WILL regret it.

 

Good Luck..seriously...dump his ass.

[sandylee1]

The withholding information and the non negotiable manner he stated he'll continue contacting her would have me concerned enough to call off the engagement.

 

His Ex comes above your feeling and if she needs support for another 10 years, he will be willing and able to give it to her.

 

That's not a situation I'd be happy with and I'd call it off.

 

I discovered my husband was still talking to his Ex after several years of us being married. Had I known this before, there would not have been a wedding.

 

I made it clear that he stopped contact, or I'd make contact with all my Ex BFs (which he wasn't happy about) and if he remained in contact, it would be a sign that he wasn't putting my feelings first, so I'd start detaching from him and it would be a matter of time before the marriage ended.

 

He stopped contact after me saying that.

[basil67]

I have no issue with people being friendly with their exes. But this is over and above....AND more importantly, he omitted to tell you about it and then told you that his close friendship with her is non negotiable in the most obnoxious way.

 

Time to Next him.