Want to move forward together

[Fixitfelix]

My wife and I have been together for almost 3 years and married for 1...we recently suffered a miscarriage about one month ago when she was around 16 weeks along. There have been glimpses of her wanting to open up with me about it and the state of our marriage in general, but for the last week she has completely shut me out. We each have 2 children from previous relationships and she has been picking hers up after work and leaving for the night until late and just coming home to go to bed with them.

 

I recently spoke with my doctor about my own anxiety and have realized how it did have a huge effect on our relationship. I had plenty of moments where I showed insecurities and couldn't ever work my way out of it. I could feel myself "checking out" of social situations and I put a stress on her relationships with her friends because of it. I never really addressed the problem, rather we would just makeup and I would think I could fix it on my own going forward. I have since started seeing a huge difference after a couple weeks of taking Lexapro but I'm afraid it's too late to prove to her that I'm capable of proving to her that I am working on it. How do I prove to her and communicate with her if I never have her time or attention anymore? Give her space and continue to work on myself? I just want her to know I'm not going anywhere and I will do whatever it takes to never make her feel like this again.

[mikeylo]

It's probably THE time to grab her attention and become completely open and honest. There is no other choice.

 

You both are hurting but are trying to cope the loneliness and sadness alone. Not a good indication for things to come. If anything, it will drift you both apart.

 

Right in the morning , before you both set out for the day , tell her that you will pick her up ( or whatever) and go together for lunch , dinner or coffee or whatever. Plan an old fashioned date low key date at a place where you can talk freely, without distractions. I'm sure she will accept it. Then talk and let her know what exactly has been up, the stress , you not being able to handle ( no shame in accepting) , you understanding better now etc.

 

Get her input as to what she wants. Then find a middle way that works for both of you. Then don't get complacent.

 

She is drowning herself in work and kids , probably depressed over breakdown of your relationship with her. Catch it and make it right before it's late.

[Fixitfelix]

It's probably THE time to grab her attention and become completely open and honest. There is no other choice.

 

You both are hurting but are trying to cope the loneliness and sadness alone. Not a good indication for things to come. If anything, it will drift you both apart.

 

Right in the morning , before you both set out for the day , tell her that you will pick her up ( or whatever) and go together for lunch , dinner or coffee or whatever. Plan an old fashioned date low key date at a place where you can talk freely, without distractions. I'm sure she will accept it. Then talk and let her know what exactly has been up, the stress , you not being able to handle ( no shame in accepting) , you understanding better now etc.

 

Get her input as to what she wants. Then find a middle way that works for both of you. Then don't get complacent.

 

She is drowning herself in work and kids , probably depressed over breakdown of your relationship with her. Catch it and make it right before it's late.

 

 

I have tried to sit down when it's just us and I've laid it all out there. She doesn't say anything even when I ask her questions. She just says she is listening. It seems like the more I open up the less she wants to be around me. She says it isn't depression and that she just doesn't know what she wants. I ask what are some of the biggest problems she is torn over and she just says idk or "everything". She got mad at me for talking about our problems with a mutual friend of ours that we trust, and I've also been told by her best friend that I need to talk to her and not someone else. Well how am I supposed to do that when she has been at your house for over a week?

[mikeylo]

Look man, everything can't be on your timeline. She was opening up and wanted to discuss but you apparently dismissed it, she took a huge step backwards. Anyone would. Now your medicine has kicked in but she probably got a jolt that you aren't interested anymore, so has curled back and is becoming less available, not that she doesn't want to talk to you to make things better but to avoid getting more hurt than she already is.

 

She is falling in depression, take my word. Now you have to grab whatever chance you get to speak to her. Every inaction to not speak to her is an excuse to not do what is needed.

 

She is listening, so say what you have to say. She will speak again only if she feels she is being listened and not being dismissed again! And yeah, speak to her directly and don't involve a third person. Anonymous boards or a therapist is fine but not to friends etc. Respect her need for privacy between you and her.

 

I fear breakdown of communication here !

[rushed]

I have tried to sit down when it's just us and I've laid it all out there. She doesn't say anything even when I ask her questions. She just says she is listening. It seems like the more I open up the less she wants to be around me. She says it isn't depression and that she just doesn't know what she wants. I ask what are some of the biggest problems she is torn over and she just says idk or "everything". She got mad at me for talking about our problems with a mutual friend of ours that we trust, and I've also been told by her best friend that I need to talk to her and not someone else. Well how am I supposed to do that when she has been at your house for over a week?

 

You know her better than we would. You have to find the right approach. She's probably still grieving from the miscarriage. Have you two talked about it? What was said? You have to stop making it about you and find a way to make her feel comfortable so that she can talk to you. Obviously just point-blank asking her what her problems are isn't the way to do it.

[BluesPower]

So where does she go after work???

 

 

Are you watching all the kids when she leaves?

[Fixitfelix]

So where does she go after work???

 

 

Are you watching all the kids when she leaves?

 

 

She has been taking just her daughter or both of her kids and leaving my daughters and I at the house. After not coming home with them at all for a couple of days (stayed at a friend's house) she told me that everything is just too stressful and she doesn't know how to handle it. So she decided to move in with her parents. I know losing the baby was and will always be hard, but none of our other problems are anything out of the ordinary. She looks extremely blank when I try to talk to her. But leaves and stays busy and posts pics on IG/FB like everything is great. I decided to give it a few days without speaking to her but it's getting hard. My daughters look up to her and miss her dearly. And I'm just trying to keep everything moving along while all of this unfolds.