I want to be me again… Are all men like this?

[SSE]

I am still hurting, crying and thinking about all the things that happened. How naïve I was. How unfair of him. While he’s now with his family like nothing has happened. While I’m left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I was talking to an old friend of mine and he said “You should not take revenge, do what’s right, do it for his child”. I have no intention of telling anything, but I was like, “Why do I always have to do the right thing? Why gets he to be scar free while he used me and I’m a mess?” I do the right thing, I am the good girl, but for what purpose? Good people don’t get good things. Good people get used and hurt while users don’t. Why am I still a good person actually?? I need to be more selfish I think. MM also said that I needed to be more selfish, like him. I am not the doormat type actually. When something is on my chest, I will tell you (in a constructive manner). To my friends and colleagues. Although sometimes I’m scared that people will like me less if I express my opinion. But with him I couldn’t say anything. For the first time I loved someone and because I didn’t want to lose that feeling or him I suppressed my needs and emotions. And he took advantage. Not good. And I am aware this is a major pitfall for possible future relationships.

 

He indeed sometimes made fun of me. It’s his type of humor, he likes slapstick. I don’t think he always did it on purpose, but some things you just don’t say and he knows it. For example: “I don’t get why you don’t have a boyfriend. I think you’re too picky. Or are you waiting pathetically on me? Hahaha…, rude of me”. Another one. I asked him why he always came back to me, while he could go to a whore or an escort. He has enough money. “No, I don’t start with that. Besides, you’re cheaper…”. Humor is his way to break the ice, and to make me laugh, so I wouldn’t be mad at him anymore (reset button), but this just isn’t funny. I bet he didn’t say those things to his wife when he courted her. These comments were during the last months of our thing, when I already dared to express I didn’t find them very amusing. I wish I did that sooner. Maybe this thing would have turned out in another way. Indeed, when I made fun of him (never meant it), I always got a mean comment back. “But, I have more money than you. I at least have a partner.” It wasn’t like this all the time, but I have tears in my eyes typing these comments. Why do I love him??? I tend to see only the good things and not the ones that hurt me so much...

 

This kind of behavior is sadly not unknown to me. My father yesterday said to me: “You’re almost 30. You do realize you will have to take the left overs (of men)? All the good ones are settling. You began way too late. And that is your own fault. It’s your own fault you will have to take a left over, or that you will be alone forever. I know you used to be fat, but don’t say I didn’t remind you back then that it would be too late for you if you didn’t lose weight! You finally did lose weight and now this thing with a married man… You’re hurting and this is all your own fault. Don’t come complaining you don’t have a boyfriend. Do something about it! Don’t be jealous of your brother, he did something to find love. Forget that loser and get another boyfriend. I will help you with it. I think I know the perfect guy for you. Some acquaintance of me has a son. He’s not the prettiest one, but a very hard worker. That’s someone for you, you’re not the prettiest one yourself and he really wants a girlfriend. He will not leave you because of your weight”… Thank you daddy for comforting me… Guess I’m a leftover as well…

My younger brother is the same. He is very proud he is the first one to take a partner home. To be in a serious relationship. To have sex all the time. And apparently I’m less because I don’t have a romantic partner. I am the weird one. I am so jealous of him while he is away for the weekend with her and I’m home alone. I hate it. Hate it. I should be the first one, not him! I make nasty comments at him, I just can’t help it. I’m jealous. I don’t want to meet his girlfriend. He always made fun of me that I can’t get a boyfriend and now he has it all??? He even gives me advice on how to get a boyfriend… And how I should behave in front of future in-laws… Like he is the expert. HATE IT! What if he gets children before me and I indeed am still alone then? I already fear the comments of him and my father.

 

I find this so hard, I’m really longing for a good partner and don’t know what to do. MM has it all, brother has it all and in their eyes I’m the loser that can’t find a partner. I am already a loser, why start dating and get rejected again and again get the confirmation I am indeed a loser? That I can’t get a man? Sometimes I think I should just take someone who is kind to me but who I probably won't love (a leftover) so I wouldn’t be alone and wouldn't be a loser anymore. To make the best of it with the leftover. I'm a leftover as well. I think I’m giving up Vivir, I just don’t see it for me. I think I should get used to the fact I will have to settle without love or to be alone forever… :(:(

[sabaton]

Some background information: I’m 25 F, never had boyfriend. I used to be overweight, lost a lot of weight, but my self-esteem did not improve. Everyone around me has found love (getting married and having babies) and I’m terrified of never finding it. Nobody knows this, to the outer world I look happy and shiny. I am a friendly, open and warm person (so my friends and family say), but when it comes to love, I feel like I’m a loser.

 

I met this co-worker (40 M) whom I didn’t know he was married. I knew he had a girlfriend and a baby. They are also very rich which is very important to him. He talks about it a lot. We became friends, nothing more from my side. After a while, he made sexual comments. It didn’t seem an issue to me, because it’s in his nature. He also makes such comments to other co-workers (male and female). But after a while he started calling me after work, almost every day. I didn’t mind it, but thought it was not normal. The phone calls stopped after a while, and although I missed them, I was okay with that. Last year in October he confessed that he would like to kiss me. I wasn’t really surprised, and although I knew it was wrong, we decided to meet in November. I just wanted to know how it would be to kiss someone. We kissed, but I said nothing more than that could happen because I knew it would mean trouble for me (then he confessed that he’s actually married). After our meeting, he wouldn’t leave me alone. He begged to meet again, saying I was the woman of his dreams and that he wanted to make me happy. He wanted that I gave him a chance. He would leave his wife (they were fighting a lot at the time apparently ), marry me and have more kids with me. It was not just about sex. I found all of this very strange! After the begging, I agreed to meet him again and it was great. Nothing more than some kissing happened (because I wanted that, he wanted to go all the way without a condom and I was not on birth control. He would get me a morning after pill, so what’s the problem, wright?!?). I had developed feelings and we decided to meet a third time. This time his behavior was different. He said he would be poor if he divorced and what about the baby? He also said some mean things to me: “I wouldn’t mind if you would find someone else”, “if this stops you will be hurting more than I” and “I don’t want you to feel used”. We did kiss but I had to express again I didn’t want to go all the way with a married man.

 

After our last meeting, he went on a holiday with his wife. I also knew that she wanted a second child. I was afraid that this would happen, so I called him and said I would miss him. He liked that I would miss him, but did not say that he would miss me too. Instead, he said he wanted some space. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks, but before his holiday I was the woman of his dreams and I heard him every single day. WTF?!? I was extremely hurt. I have little experience with men and had no idea some people would treat others like that. I did have my pride and promised myself that I would not contact him again. He wanted space? He could get his space! After he was back from his vacation, he contacted me again. He wanted to meet. I declined (was really hard to do for me) and afterwards got a text from him “hoping we could be friends”. I did not reply that text. Since then, he contacts me every week through the work telephone, not my private cell like he used to do. Just wanting to chat up. I would do normal and laugh with his jokes, because I didn’t want my colleagues to suspect anything, but it is extremely hard for me to act normal. The feelings don’t go away. He wanted to meet again. I declined again saying I had met someone. His reaction was: “Oh, that’s not a problem. Have a lot of sex with your boyfriend, so you’ll know what you like when we have sex.” WTF?!? I said I won’t have sex with him. Why not he asked? Because you’re married I replied. “Oh right, that” was his response. “But do you want to give me a chance when I’m alone? It can take a while because we have a lot of properties.” I said I would give him a chance when he would be alone and only then we would have sex. But after that conversation (three months ago), he didn’t mention it again. I also didn’t ask about it. He has returned from another holiday and wants to meet again, as friends. I haven’t replied, because I don’t know what to do. Yesterday I got a text from him saying “he’s horny”… I also discovered that he was married for only two weeks when we kissed the first time! They have been together for 8 years, but just got recently married (because of the finances he states).

 

I’m scared of being hurt more than I am already. I could not take that amount of pain. I imagine the perfect happy rich family and then me hurting. But on the other hand, he keeps pushing to meet, knowing I don’t want sex with a married man. I have declined his request to meet already four times, but he keeps asking. Does this mean anything? He is the first one that gave me that “special feeling”. I don’t find him a bad man (he loves his kid very much and claims I’m the first one that he cheated with), but the way he treats me is not okay and I know that. But what if he’s serious about leaving? Although, they are going on another holiday (without the baby) in October… What if I don’t meet someone else that can give me that “special” feeling? I am so scared and confused… I just want the pain in my heart to go away and to be loved… I want to be me again… Are all men like this?

 

 

Hey, listen. This man is a middle-aged married man going after a much younger woman who has gone through a lot emotionally and is feeling vulnerable. He's taking advantage of you, and he's abusive, manipulative and honestly just the fact that he's married and he's still trying to get sex out of you signals him out as a very low quality person. Move on!

 

You are 25 years old! You have your whole life ahead of you. You are so young, and there's lots of guys your age who would love to date you. You just need to put yourself out there, and if you see a guy you find to be attractive - consider approaching him and asking him out.

[Vivir]

SSE, none of us expect you to get past this experience overnight. You should not expect it either. It is important to face your feelings and your fears; you may need to sit with it for a while. You may need to feel defeated and weak and vulnerable. I assume that you’re using your thread to get those feelings out. We all heal on our own time schedule.

 

But at some point, you will have to make peace with what has happened. It may come slowly… You will have to come to terms with this. You’re going to have to fight to change your thinking and your perspective of yourself. It does NOT help that you have been surrounded by such negativity and toxicity.

 

You’ll have to remove yourself from this toxicity exhibited by your father and brother. Or you’ll have to counter them. You’re going to have to find a way.

I agree with sabaton; this married man is not and never was a prize. You’ll have to fight to see the very bad where you have previously seen the “good”.

 

You long for a good partner. I know this is going to sound both pathetic and cliché, but you’ll need to find a way to be that partner for yourself. Maybe another person will come along and fulfill that role, but who do you think that person will need and want? He is highly likely to want AND need someone who is good and beneficial to him, someone who makes him want to be a better man… you’ll have to fight (your thinking, your current perspective) to be in a place to achieve this success. If no one comes along (which is quite unlikely), then you will have found that person in YOU.

 

I know you’re still hurting. I know you’re still crying. It has been more than a year for me, and I have only recently stopped with the crying. In the beginning, it was almost uncontrollable and happened all.of.the.time. It takes time. It takes determination. It takes WORK and EFFORT. You have my sympathy.

 

I challenge you to do something good for you today.

 

I challenge you to counter some of this negativity today, both internal and external.

 

Fight for YOU, SSE. Because you deserve it.

[portwine49]

Please read Mr. Unavailable and The Fall Back Girl by Natalie Lu. She also has a blog. Many many stories of the same thing you are going through. Stay away is my advise. He is preying on your vulnerability and is just waiting to score before he really hits the breaks. The reason he is now is because he is grooming you so that if you are hurt, should you sleep with him , and he immediately dumps you, he can say "dont say I didn't tell you" Be careful dear. He sounds like a real tool

[Arris]

I am still hurting, crying and thinking about all the things that happened. How naïve I was. How unfair of him. While he’s now with his family like nothing has happened. While I’m left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I was talking to an old friend of mine and he said “You should not take revenge, do what’s right, do it for his child”. I have no intention of telling anything, but I was like, “Why do I always have to do the right thing? Why gets he to be scar free while he used me and I’m a mess?” I do the right thing, I am the good girl, but for what purpose? Good people don’t get good things. Good people get used and hurt while users don’t. Why am I still a good person actually?? I need to be more selfish I think. MM also said that I needed to be more selfish, like him. I am not the doormat type actually. When something is on my chest, I will tell you (in a constructive manner). To my friends and colleagues. Although sometimes I’m scared that people will like me less if I express my opinion. But with him I couldn’t say anything. For the first time I loved someone and because I didn’t want to lose that feeling or him I suppressed my needs and emotions. And he took advantage. Not good. And I am aware this is a major pitfall for possible future relationships.

 

 

Hey SSE, please stop listening to this guy or giving anything he said any credit. You need to be you, don't be selfish like him. Also, whatever happens or doesn't happen to him does not matter to you. Don't worry about him, his wife or child. You do what's right for your own sake, and I'm honestly not sure if that's telling the truth or moving on and going your own way. I do know if you do choose to expose him to his family, it can't be for revenge or in any hopes of 'winning' him over. Either way, you must move on.

 

He indeed sometimes made fun of me. It’s his type of humor, he likes slapstick. I don’t think he always did it on purpose, but some things you just don’t say and he knows it. For example: “I don’t get why you don’t have a boyfriend. I think you’re too picky. Or are you waiting pathetically on me? Hahaha…, rude of me”. Another one. I asked him why he always came back to me, while he could go to a whore or an escort. He has enough money. “No, I don’t start with that. Besides, you’re cheaper…”. Humor is his way to break the ice, and to make me laugh, so I wouldn’t be mad at him anymore (reset button), but this just isn’t funny. I bet he didn’t say those things to his wife when he courted her. These comments were during the last months of our thing, when I already dared to express I didn’t find them very amusing. I wish I did that sooner. Maybe this thing would have turned out in another way. Indeed, when I made fun of him (never meant it), I always got a mean comment back. “But, I have more money than you. I at least have a partner.” It wasn’t like this all the time, but I have tears in my eyes typing these comments. Why do I love him??? I tend to see only the good things and not the ones that hurt me so much...

 

Sometimes it doesn't matter what someone else likes or what's in their personality. It matters how it feels to you. Imagine you had a sweet little daughter, would you want someone like him getting near her? Don't make excuses for it, and if it's not appropriate for your daughter, it's not for you either. Sometimes we feel we can take on more, sacrifice ourselves a little, sometimes it's ok, but not when you're talking about love. Just as easily as he makes rude comments, he can make comments that are complimenting. Actually, in his case, compliments don't mean much because his actions are all you need to know. One of which is going home every night to his family, which is where he belongs though.

 

This kind of behavior is sadly not unknown to me. My father yesterday said to me: “You’re almost 30. You do realize you will have to take the left overs (of men)? All the good ones are settling. You began way too late. And that is your own fault. It’s your own fault you will have to take a left over, or that you will be alone forever. I know you used to be fat, but don’t say I didn’t remind you back then that it would be too late for you if you didn’t lose weight! You finally did lose weight and now this thing with a married man… You’re hurting and this is all your own fault. Don’t come complaining you don’t have a boyfriend. Do something about it! Don’t be jealous of your brother, he did something to find love. Forget that loser and get another boyfriend. I will help you with it. I think I know the perfect guy for you. Some acquaintance of me has a son. He’s not the prettiest one, but a very hard worker. That’s someone for you, you’re not the prettiest one yourself and he really wants a girlfriend. He will not leave you because of your weight”… Thank you daddy for comforting me… Guess I’m a leftover as well…

My younger brother is the same. He is very proud he is the first one to take a partner home. To be in a serious relationship. To have sex all the time. And apparently I’m less because I don’t have a romantic partner. I am the weird one. I am so jealous of him while he is away for the weekend with her and I’m home alone. I hate it. Hate it. I should be the first one, not him! I make nasty comments at him, I just can’t help it. I’m jealous. I don’t want to meet his girlfriend. He always made fun of me that I can’t get a boyfriend and now he has it all??? He even gives me advice on how to get a boyfriend… And how I should behave in front of future in-laws… Like he is the expert. HATE IT! What if he gets children before me and I indeed am still alone then? I already fear the comments of him and my father.

 

Well, it sounds like your dad is trying to help in his own way. It also sounds like you allow him to over step his boundaries into being offensive. Tell him you appreciate him trying to look after you, but draw a line when it offends you. You're allowed to tell him. Hey dad, I can take all the help I can get, but using a term like 'leftovers' is doing more harm than good. Sometimes, good people are too busy with schooling or careers but become available at all ages. Sometimes, even the ones you thought were so great getting together early, weren't so great after all as the divorce rate is high. Just saying, keep him close, but don't let him cross that line.

Also, everyone is different. Good for your brother, be happy for him. Not everyone takes the same path in life. Yours will work out, keep trying everyday and don't focus on what you don't have, love what you have and make the most of it. Cliché? Maybe, but it's true. Everyone is always after what they don't have until they get it, then it's on to the next thing. Figure yourself out, slow down and enjoy what's around you. If those feelings creep up on you, try to be active, go for a walk, clean something, whatever. I don't want you suppressing anything you need to work through, I'm just talking about those anxious, sick in the stomach times.

 

I find this so hard, I’m really longing for a good partner and don’t know what to do. MM has it all, brother has it all and in their eyes I’m the loser that can’t find a partner. I am already a loser, why start dating and get rejected again and again get the confirmation I am indeed a loser? That I can’t get a man? Sometimes I think I should just take someone who is kind to me but who I probably won't love (a leftover) so I wouldn’t be alone and wouldn't be a loser anymore. To make the best of it with the leftover. I'm a leftover as well. I think I’m giving up Vivir, I just don’t see it for me. I think I should get used to the fact I will have to settle without love or to be alone forever… :(:(

 

MM is an idiot. You determine your own self worth, instead of worrying about what your brother has or thinks of you, be a good sister. Meet his GF and be kind. Don't let him bully or tear you down. Tell him calmly his comments actually hurt and ask him to stop. Keep being a good sister in the meantime, family is important. You have the power to change your relationships, to create a good supportive family. Work at it, every single day. Expect some resistance I guess, but don't let that change anything, because first you have to believe it, then once you believe in it, you can stand stronger and have confidence. It may take a while so don't expect anything in return, keep being supportive and kind, but don't let them be rude. Let them know and walk away calmly. You get the idea.

Good luck and any small step in the right direction is progress. Keep at it.

Edited October 30, 2018 by Arris

[anika99]

I am still hurting, crying and thinking about all the things that happened. How naïve I was. How unfair of him. While he’s now with his family like nothing has happened. While I’m left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I was talking to an old friend of mine and he said “You should not take revenge, do what’s right, do it for his child”. I have no intention of telling anything, but I was like, “Why do I always have to do the right thing? Why gets he to be scar free while he used me and I’m a mess?” I do the right thing, I am the good girl, but for what purpose? Good people don’t get good things. Good people get used and hurt while users don’t. Why am I still a good person actually?? I need to be more selfish I think. MM also said that I needed to be more selfish, like him. I am not the doormat type actually. When something is on my chest, I will tell you (in a constructive manner). To my friends and colleagues. Although sometimes I’m scared that people will like me less if I express my opinion. But with him I couldn’t say anything. For the first time I loved someone and because I didn’t want to lose that feeling or him I suppressed my needs and emotions. And he took advantage. Not good. And I am aware this is a major pitfall for possible future relationships.

 

OP I don't doubt for a second that you are a good person at your core. You are still very young and naïve in some ways but I'm sure you're a good person. However even good people sometimes make bad decisions and do bad things. Getting emotionally and sexually involved with a MM with a child was not doing a good thing. Being involved in an affair is selfish because it involves going after your own desires regardless of who gets hurt.

Now it sounds like you are bitter and angry because the universe didn't reward you for getting involved with a married man.

 

I'm not judging you. Lord know I made my own share of mistakes and bad decisions when I was your age. I was probably well into my thirties before it started to dawn on me that maybe I had a hand in my crappy life. Before I learned that making poor and or selfish decisions led to poor consequences. There was liberty in coming to that realization. Once I learned that bad things weren't just happening to me, that the universe wasn't out to get me, but instead I was just suffering the natural consequences of my own decisions then all of a sudden I felt free, because it meant I wasn't trapped in misery, I could change the course of my life.

 

So instead of looking at this as life being cruel to you even though you are a good person, look at it as life is teaching you an important lesson. You say why do you always have to do the right thing only to end up hurt and used, but getting involved with a married man wasn't doing the right thing. Had you done the right thing and stayed away from him then you would not be suffering now.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, only to prevent you from going down a path of bitterness an anger because you are falsely equating goodness with pain and suffering. Yes sometimes bad things can happen to good people. They may get sick, they might suffer job loss or loss of a loved one but this isn't one of those random things that just happen. This was something you chose and now you are learning to choose better in the future. This is a painful lesson but it will serve you well later in life.

[SSE]

Anika,

 

You can call me naïve, but not selfish. When he first told he liked me, I told him this wasn’t a good idea. That he has a wife and child. But that didn’t make him stop. He knew I liked him as well and was very persisting. And when you have never had any romantic experience, you start to believe he’s serious about what he’s saying and you cave. Even though you know it’s wrong. After two months, it seemed he wasn’t serious anymore and told me he wouldn’t mind if I dated other men. We didn’t have sex yet because I didn’t want to and I think it started to annoy him. I wanted to wait till after the separation. I was crushed. But after two weeks he came back as if nothing happened, claiming he still wanted and loved me. I didn’t trust him and declined to meet again. But he persisted. When I rejected him, he got mad because he was making steps towards divorce and now I didn’t want him anymore?? I declined to meet him for at least three times after that before I met him again and eventually had sex with him. I assumed he really must be serious about me because he didn’t gave up. He always came back to me with sweet words. I didn’t seduce him. I didn’t push him for divorce. The only thing I asked him was to be honest with me. I was very naïve, agreed, and I don’t want to sound bitter because I didn’t get my MM, but I find it so unfair. Why stringing me along for sex when you know I long for a good partner? When you have your lovely family and I’m all alone? He could go back to her anytime and leave me alone. I wouldn’t have stopped him. He took advantage of my feelings and now he can go on living his perfect live. He’s not hurting while I’m crying.

 

When you look at this story as an outsider, it seems really easy to just say no. But I couldn’t. I agree, I willingly had sex with him, but only because he kept coming back. He always took the initiative to meet. I kept my distance hoping this would fade out so I didn’t have to say no to him. But he always came back. Saying no to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Please don’t tell me I’m young and will find someone else. My pain is real. Love makes blind. Love hurts. But it’s not my job to keep telling MM to keep his vows.

 

Indeed, I realized I can stop the continuous hurt by stopping seeing him. It took me a while but I chose me. And that makes me cry. I really loved him. I miss him. I try to see this experience as a life lesson. A very painful one, but I will never engage with an attached person again. Even if they claim they “like” me soooo much. I hope I will recognize this pattern in the future, but more so, I hope I will never come across that kind of man again. I now know that my longing for a good partner makes me vulnerable and that I should be aware of that when interacting with men. I never meant for this to happen, but it is surprising how easily you can get carried away when you crave love and affection.

[BTDT2012]

But it’s not my job to keep telling MM to keep his vows.

 

 

If you don't want to be hurt, it is your job to say no to married men. You are young, but you also know right from wrong.

 

 

 

Work on knowing your worth. Don't be willing to accept crumbs. I am so sorry that your father is tearing you down when he should be building you up. Stop trying to figure MM out. He's not worth your time. thisa experience does not define you.

[SSE]

If you don't want to be hurt, it is your job to say no to married men. You are young, but you also know right from wrong.

 

And what about his job staying away from other women? I knew this was wrong, I even told him, but he kept coming back. Even after rejecting him several times. He made me believe he was serious about me. So I eventually said yes. I was hooked. I didn't force him to come back. It's not my job to keep reminding him everytime he wanted to meet me that he is married. I should have persisted in saying no, but like I already said, it's really easy to say that now. It's not that easy when you want to be loved and someone tells you he wants you. Even if it's wrong.

[Amethyst68]

Ok, I agree it's not your responsibility to stop MM from cheating but it's very much your choice to accept his .

 

I don't mean to be harsh but it's easy to say you were young, you knew every time he persisted he was still married, you knew every time he was still lying so it was a conscious choice you made each time

 

I'm sorry your family are being so disrespectful and would encourage you get out of that environment. You need to find yourself a supportive network asap.

[Starswillshine]

And what about his job staying away from other women? I knew this was wrong, I even told him, but he kept coming back. Even after rejecting him several times. He made me believe he was serious about me. So I eventually said yes. I was hooked. I didn't force him to come back. It's not my job to keep reminding him everytime he wanted to meet me that he is married. I should have persisted in saying no, but like I already said, it's really easy to say that now. It's not that easy when you want to be loved and someone tells you he wants you. Even if it's wrong.

 

You dont have power over him, you only have power over yourself. You knew it was wrong.

 

The things you wrote about this man, your father, and brother makes my soul crush. I wish I could hug you. You are so very young. Work on accepting responsibility for your actions in your pain and work on healing. You deserve so much more than this.

[SSE]

Rationally, you do know it's wrong. I rejected him several times. But when he kept persisting, I started to believe he was telling the truth. It messes with your head. You don't think clear anymore. At that time I didn't think he was lying. I know this may sound stupid, but I really did. Why keep saying you want me for months? Why? For sex I realize NOW, but I didn't then. I honestly thought he loved me but that he was trapped in an unhappy mariage. So I finally gave in. I willingly slept with him, because I genuinely thought he wanted me for real. After we had sex, the flip-flopping began. One week I was the girl of his dreams, the next one I should date other men. Mind****. Slowly you begin to realise you're being strung along. At first, you're resisting this thought. "He does love me, why otherwise always coming back?". But after a while you get the picture. He became very vague about divorcing. And then I should have been strong and said no, but I couldn't. He always came back and I wanted to believe his sweet words so badly. Every time I hoped his actions would match his words. I loved him. So when he asked for sex, I gave it to him. I wanted to make him happy. I only wanted that he loved me like he always claimed he did. I gave in so easily everytime he came back. Very poor choice of me, but I only realize this now when the fog is lifting.

 

So yes, a part of the pain I'm feeling now is my fault. I am aware of that and I know why I made poor choices. I don't want to act like a victim, but I also think he knew I was very naive but went ahead anyway. I think he didn't realize or chose to ignore I was in so much turmoil and pain. In the beginning I didn't dare to tell him. I was scared of losing him. So it may have seemed to him that I was fine. But even then, that's no excuse for him for stringing me along and lying. I only had sex with him because he kept insisting he wanted me for real. If I didn't raise my voice now, this thing was still going on for who knows how long. I never agreed to be a **** buddy. I thought he really wanted me

 

Just recently I turned him down. I made the choice to stop it. No more giving in. I'm a work in progress I guess. But coming to the realization that I've been used for sex by someone I genuinely cared about, by someone with whom I shared my most private thoughts, by someone who I believed, is really hard for me. I still love him. I feel really stupid. He has no consequences at all. This thing has changed me, and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

 

I don't use my age as an excuse. The fact is I am (was) unexperienced and very naive, and I also happen to be 28. I think this can happen at any age when you're feeling vulnerable. I don't like it when people tell "Oh well, you're young, you'll get over it and find someone else". I know they mean well and I hope they are right, but it seems to me that because of my age I am expected to move on quickly. Because I apparently have more options at my age than a middle aged woman. But that doesn't make my hurt any less painful. My hurt is real. I also need time to heal.

[Starswillshine]

Hurt is definitely real regardless of your age, I definitely agree.

 

Only pointing our your age to encourage you. You have a lot of life left to live. I cannot believe your father is putting you down for not having settled down yet. You are still young. Dont let him get into your age. 28 is still young to have gotten married. Who knows, tomorrow you can meet your soul mate.

[ABernie]

You can call me naïve, but not selfish.

 

What we do as OW is selfish. I will fully admit that I was selfish. I also, in the beginning, said, "no, you are married with kids," and "I can't do that to another woman," but eventually I put that out of my head and thought only of me. It was selfish, it was something I needed and I didn't think of the people that weren't in the moment with me.

 

 

You can look at the word selfish with negative and positive connotations.

[SSE]

Vivir,

 

How are you doing after one year out? Do you still think often about him? Are you still in such intense pain? You told me the crying only recently stopped… Wow, one year… How were you treated during your affair? Were you also so blind you didn’t/wouldn’t realize you were only good for sex? I don't mean to be harsh.

 

I’m having a rough couple of days. A lot of crying. Hard to focus at work. Bad nights. Anxious about the future. Heavy, negative thoughts. I miss him. I wish he would come back so I would feel better again. Sometimes I wonder if he knows I still love him. The last time I told him I liked him as well, but that it has become too painful. Do you think that was clear enough? I don’t want him to not know I love him if he ever becomes divorced. I surprise myself with this question, but I can’t help it.

 

And other times I’m faced with reality. Checking her fb. Seeing happy family times. Realizing he lied. Realizing he will not come back. Realizing he didn’t love me back in the same way. Realizing he probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. Only maybe when he’s feeling horny. He probably thinks (hopes) I have another boyfriend. That wouldn’t make him the bad guy that strung me along. That pain goes straight to my heart. The only thing I ever wanted was for him to love me. I wanted to make him happy. He wanted to make me happy. Like he said in the beginning.

 

I don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t want to have hope that he will come back. I don’t want to have this pain anymore. I don’t want to be so scared anymore. I want to have hope for a nice future. But I have not. Everyone says I will be fine because I’m still young, even MM. He thought I would have a new boyfriend in no time. He was wrong. It’s not because he didn’t love me that I didn’t love him as well. I don’t buy it I will be fine. I already imagine myself over five years. Still single, still living at home while everyone around me has their life on track. I already feel very lonely, what will it be like then??

 

I feel like I have failed in life. It seems that if you don’t have a partner at a certain age, or even never had a partner, something must be very wrong with you. I know MM thought it was weird I was still single (and a virgin). I know I had my issues, but you get labeled anyway. Sometimes I imagine him coming back and asking me about my love life. And that I tell him I have a fabulous boyfriend who loves me the way I should be loved. To make him see I’m not that naïve, pathetic virgin girl that can’t get a man. To make him see I am a catch. But I don’t see that fabulous boyfriend anywhere in my future… Sometimes I think MM is and will be the only one. Could that be true? Will I never love anyone again (the way I did him)?

 

I realize I must put myself out there to not have that pathetic future in 5 years. I have never done it because of my weight. And now the clock is ticking really hard. I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to be loved. I want to have my own family. I know I have to do something or I will regret it later. My therapist thinks that eventually I will take the steps to put myself out there. And she will help me with it (I don’t know how), because I deserve to be loved. But I don’t know. I feel very vulnerable and putting myself out there only to be rejected again, to feel not good enough again.. I don’t know if I can take that. And what if my efforts don’t pay off??? Ok, I tried, but I will still be all alone. People will definitely think I’m a loser, MM will do to while he has it all. And there goes the negative thought train again... I’m so scared for more pain and rejection that I don’t put myself out there. Very scared that my efforts only will result in still ending up alone. But on the other hand, what if there is someone out there for me? He will not come knocking at my door… Or are indeed all the good ones already taken? Why trying then? My mind is really ****ed up * sigh* I’m stuck. The fear is real.

 

Thanks Vivir (and everyone else) for taking the time to read and reply my posts. It really means a lot to me. Take care.

[Amethyst68]

The thing is you need to work on loving and accepting the wonderful person you are got you, until you can do that no-one else is going to be able to do it and you'll never be a truly healthy relationship.

 

 

The likelihood of MM restarting your relationship in the event of a divorce is very small. The truth is most take the opportunity for a fresh start and do not go backwards. It may be different if they're actively in the affair.

 

 

You're actually in a good position, you have all the positives you just have to learn how to block the negative input (believe me I know it's hard) but you'll get there. The power of belief is strong!

[SSE]

How am I in a good position Amethyst68? I would think MM is in the good position? Wife, kid(s) and a wealthy life.

 

I know the likelihood is small. I've been reading on LS for a while now. Most of them don't divorce, and even if they do, they prefer someone else. Or use OW as a rebound until they are ready to find someone else, someone better. Very few come back with good intentions. I don't know. Did I ever made him feel bad? No idea, he always came back. But I also know he wasn't in love with me. Not like in the beginning. I should **** other men. But you also think (hope) I would keep on ****ing you??? I don't think someone who truely means it with you would say that.

 

I cant' help it. I miss him. I still have a tiny bit of hope. Hope he has changed and misses me as well. You never know. Sad actually if I read my above paragraph. Hoping that someone who didn't even want me comes back. But somewhere I still hope. Somewhere I don't want to belief it was all a lie. I want that feeling to go away. I really do, because it messes with your head. Will that feeling fade, just as my love for him?

 

Do you think I will ever be able to have my own partner and family? Sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't. How do I start believing?

[elaine567]

Your ego got dented.

Here was this wealthy, married man with a baby, choosing you to spend time with, choosing you to have sex with, choosing you to have a future with...

He was willing to risk all that as you were the "woman of his dreams".

Your ego was through the roof. Wow!

BUT in reality he was a horny guy who was looking to cheat on his wife and thought he could persuade you to have unprotected sex with him regularly. Men with new babies are often sex starved. Wife does not feel like sex when pregnant and when baby arrives she is too run down and tired for sex...

 

You are upset as you wanted the fairytale ending, you wanted that ego boost and now it is all flat and frustrating...

[Amethyst68]

Ok, I was trying not to be harsh but I agree with elaine.

 

Your MM's wife was pregnant and then had a baby, both can put stresses on a couples sex life, rather than deal with it in an upstanding respectful way your MM went the route of looking for easy sex. I'm sorry but you were targeted specifically due to the reasons you have highlighted here, low self esteem etc. It would mean he didn't have to do much to lay the foundations, even getting you to think he loved you. Even the push and pull behaviour is text book, makes you feel desirable, powerful.

 

When I say you have the power I mean you have the knowledge, you are going to IC and finding your motivations. You are still young and your life is full of opportunities. At this point the ONLY person holding you back is you because you can't let go of a fantasy that was never yours.

 

I can almost guarantee you MM never thinks of you, oh you might hear from him next time his wife gets pregnant, that is unless he finds a new OW next time.

 

It's time to get tough with yourself, what would you tell a friend going through this?

[stillafool]

This is about ego. Now that you know this man is married with a child and is with his family you have to let it go. Stop with the "does he know I love him" stuff because it doesn't matter. He is gone and even if he left his wife he would not end up with you. They don't want to be reminded of what broke up their marriage so they go on to a fresh new woman. If you find you just can't get over this then you need to start therapy. Wishing for something that is never going to happen is not healthy.

[changingmale]

Please do not go back to this guy. Like others saying he is using you. You are still young and have a long time to do what you want with your life. Think of it this way. What if you are the wife and your husband gets to know a mid 20's female and starts talking to her like what happened with you. Good luck

[pepperbird]

What we do as OW is selfish. I will fully admit that I was selfish. I also, in the beginning, said, "no, you are married with kids," and "I can't do that to another woman," but eventually I put that out of my head and thought only of me. It was selfish, it was something I needed and I didn't think of the people that weren't in the moment with me.

 

 

You can look at the word selfish with negative and positive connotations.

 

 

Ow/om basically ask another person ( bs) to carry the weight of their decisions.