Thoughts on Lie Detector Test?

[SpringMeadow]

My wife and I have been having problems. I had an "inappropriate" relationship with someone at work. It wasn't physical or sexual, but emotionally it was nice to have someone that would call to ask advice and actually listen to it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was probably just excited in the adventure of her wild life - always a wild story that should be on Maury, Jerry Springer or something. It was compelling.

 

At first, though - she was interested in having some kind of "extra-ciricular" relationship. She even tried to kiss me once and I put a stop to it right on the spot. She is a hottie, and although part of me was excited at the thought - common since told me that she couldn't measure up to the overall package my wife offers to me.

 

I did, however, make contact with her a week or so later when I found out that she was pregnant. Of course, another wild story and I was a little hooked. I can't figure out why this person's bad luck or oddity of life was anything I'd be interested, but I'm also the type of person that watches reality tv and is just interested in this stuff anyhow.

 

The problem is that I wasn't up front about the friendship with my wife from the beginning. Although nothing was going on, the fact remained that she hit on me and I was afraid of what my wife would think - so I kept it from my wife. It was wrong, and my wife wants to know if there is more to the story.

 

This other lady is also married, but apparently not happy in her marriage. Without a physical relationship, I didn't feel like I was doing wrong. Looking back, I fully understand my wife's problem believing me. She wants me to pay $600 and take a lie detector test - but I honestly believe that this will drive a wedge in to our relationship and that I will resent her for it. I have nothing to hide, but the other lady isn't forth coming since she's trying to protect her relationship at home as well. She flat told me that if I (or my wife) call again, she'll transcribe the entire phone call and send it to the whole company.

 

Note - she's only temping at the company and won't be here for long anyhow, so a bold threat like this is something I take very seriously. I really like my job and enjoy the respect I get out of it.

 

The other lady also was instant messaging via my cell phone with my wife last night and they were both one-upping each other. My wife would challenge her to talk to her or she threatened to tell the other lady's husband and the other lady said something about wanting my key back (presumably to her apartment, which I don't have). I don't know why the other lady is being so protective, but she's a natural wonder in some of the odd things that she does which is exactly what intriged me to begin with. Its always... what will this lady do next? Unfortunately, I'm in her radar now and I'm a little scared.

 

What should I do? I understand my wife's concern and her reason to disbelieve me, but is a lie detector test something that I should take to prove nothing happened? Its expensive ($600 that we don't have to spare) and a little harsh, given the circumstances. I'm confident in the results - I was very up front with my wife and even with the fact that at first, when I first met the other lady, I was very attracted to her. I think I did the right thing, but then admit that I made the fatal call to see how she was later when I found out about the pregnancy.

 

What are your thoughts? I honestly feel that she's the type of wife that if she gets a lie detector test for this that she will ask for it again later if she feels the need. It'll be a bad cycle, and I just don't know if I want a realationship with resentment. On the other hand, I want her to know what happened and feel confident that I didn't actually have an affair so that she can trust me. What can I do?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

the reliablity of these type of tests are always in question.. Because of the nature of the test a lot of things can create false positives or false negatives for that matter.

 

That is why they are not allowed as evidence in a court room

 

I would think taking one would be a terrible mistake because you may false positive on a question and then you will never be able to outlive that and gain her trust back.. Try MC instead

[SpringMeadow]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

the reliablity of these type of tests are always in question.. Because of the nature of the test a lot of things can create false positives or false negatives for that matter.

 

That is why they are not allowed as evidence in a court room

 

I would think taking one would be a terrible mistake because you may false positive on a question and then you will never be able to outlive that and gain her trust back.. Try MC instead

 

Yeah - I promised I'd make an appointment to meet with a marriage counselor this week anyhow. I guess that although I know that there wasn't anything concrete about this, she doesn't and she views it as an affair until its been disproven. She doesn't think she can go on without the confidenence of KNOWING it wasn't more. I'm worried that the solution to something so petty (my eyes, not hers and I respect that) will actually drive us so much further apart. I appreciate that advice and I'm sure a marriage couselor will be able to help.

 

Last night, in the heat of the arguement, I actually said I wish that something would have happened - she's drilling me as if I was the person to get the other lady pregnant. I think deep down she realizes that I wouldn't fall for someone this much older, or pregnant, or married... but the fact remains that I wasn't truthful and up front and I've lost her trust.

 

Odd - I wanted to tell my wife when the other lady attempted to kiss me that once but I just knew I'd be the one to get drilled. How did I let myself get in that position? Why did she think she could? etc etc - its always my fault everytime anything negative happens happens and I really didn't feel that I had done anything wrong, and therefore not worth mentioning. Had I not heard another wild story and been so curious to call back - it wouldn't have been a big deal. I take responsibility and can own up to it - but I'm also confused at why the other lady is being so ugly about the deal.

[seachange]

I think Fly's right on with the MC, and that a lie detector test might just cause more problems.

 

But I also want to say that, reading what you've written - it sounds like you already have some suppressed anger toward your wife (feeling like things are always your fault) and for some reason, you're not turning that anger towards this other woman, who is threatening your job and your marriage (that bit about the key is pretty nasty). It sounds like you're giving her a pass because she's so screwed up, but the anger is this situation is reserved for your marriage.

 

So that's why I think MC is a pretty good idea. Just my 2 cents.

[kathy]

my ex had a relationship with my friend which he says was just plutonic she was there to listen to his problems,

 

which got worse the more he kept secrets from me he says there was never a sexual relationship with this friend ,

 

but we allways ended up arguing because he was discussing things with her that he wouldnt discuss with me,

 

we split up on 4june within 2 1/2 weeks he moved in with her , so think about your wifes feelings and try to put this allright

[Craig]

You have let everyone know about this that might have any business knowing about it including the woman's husband and your boss/hr dept. This woman is crazy, aggressive and vindictive she'll make your life a living hell unless you take pre-emptive action by bringing all of this into the open.

 

Find out about her background without doing anything that could be considered illegal or harassment. Does she have a criminal record, is she in the habit of filing civil suits? Do a google search for intelius and you'll find a site that will help you gather a lot of information about her including criminal background. To find out about civil suits you may have to go to the county records but that's an easy search.

 

I can guarantee you that her husband (and other people close to her or that used to be close to her) know how crazy she is AND that she has a habit of screwing up people's lives.

 

Personally, I'd take the polygraph as my belief is that as long as I'm cooperating with the poligrapher there should be no false positives. As a pre-emptive twist you could also suggest to your boss/hr dept. that you are willing to take a polygraph test if the crazy woman does as well. I can guarantee that she won't take one because as crazy as she is she KNOWS what she is doing.

 

Your only other choice is to go along with what you've been maliciously set up for by the crazy woman--years of distrust from your wife and thousands of dollars wasted in marriage counselling.

[SpringMeadow]

Wow guys - thanks for your interest. I didn't mean to portray anger towards my wife - this situation has been a little stressful but prior to her being aware of this there really weren't many problems with our relationship (nothing outside of 'normal'). I love her so much and the main problem is that I see this as something so shallow, yet she's making this in to a huge affair.

 

I admitted that the other lady had attempted to kiss me - a feat I didn't have to say a word about knowing that it would only further complicate my situation. I suppose the main problem was that this other lady excited me to a certain degree... and although I didn't let it lead anywhere sexual, I did hide that from my wife. Honestly - I really can't explain what intrigued me so much about her.

 

I can't even fully explain to myself why I was devious - I'm almost fully satisfied at home and not interested in leaving her for any reason. Maybe the rush - I don't know. Even if I did feel like I was missing something at home - I didn't go seeking that void in the other lady at all.

 

Generally speaking, I'm a twitchy guy that sweats under any pressure (family curse, you should have seen me in my brother's wedding). I'm so confident in my ability to take a lie detector test though - I just feel like its the official doom that will instill resentment. Is that wrong? How else could I show my wife that it wasn't near the exciting affair that she fears that it might be.

[Craig]

Originally posted by SpringMeadow

I'm so confident in my ability to take a lie detector test though - I just feel like its the official doom that will instill resentment. Is that wrong?

Resentment by whom? If you take the test and pass your wife can't resent you for that. As far as you resenting your wife just put yourself in her shoes--wouldn't the polygraph be a relatively sure way to put her mind at ease and then trust you even more. IMO your wife asking for a polygraph is okay and might very well settle her down into trusting you even more and a whole lot faster. You've said you have this family curse thing going on and maybe you tend to look guilty when you're not. Just my 2 cents.

[guest]

I think it ineteresting that you keep calling this other woman a "lady" ! sure doesn't sound like one from they way you describe her!

 

I think there is more to it than you can tell us, or maybe even that you realize. If my husband told me about all this I would be upset that he lied to me and I might wonder about other things, but I trust him. Now, if there is a history of mis-trust between you and your wife, I could see how she would need something concrete to relieve her fears and doubts.

 

I think Marriage counseling is the way to go because the problem sounds a lot deeper than what you have written.

good luck

[SpringMeadow]

Wow - I'm so excited that you guys wrote in to help me.

 

I guess I'll just go take this test and go to MC and hope for the best. We do have a strong relationship, but I feel her pain. I know why this looks bad and I fully understand why she thinks that there could be more.

 

Generally speaking, I hope my wife wouldn't think that I'd be sexually interested in a lady 8 years older than me, married, and pregnant.

 

I'm just concerned that the next time she questions me she'll just want to pop down another $600 to take another lie detector test and this will be her way of staying sane. That's just not what I signed up for in a marriage and I think that I will resent her for always throwing down an ultimatum about her inability to trust me unless I take these tests. (I honestly believe that if I take 1 test, it'll be an option for her forever). Perhaps she'll never have something so serious to question in the future, but I don't like that I feel like this is the way to show trust in our relationship.

 

Reason : Criminals; terrorists take lie detector tests. Not a spouse. I want her to feel like she can trust me and realize nothing happened, but there's got to be a more realistic way without making me feel like I'm a prisoner in this relationship and that I have to prove my innocence if she questions something.

[Craig]

Lots of people take polygraphs, they can be required for employment, even to keep the same job and everyone that works there from the cleaning staff to president takes one.

 

Let us know how the test goes and good luck with your MC.

[country gal]

i think everyone's been giving some pretty good advice here, but just as another point, i hesitate at the thought of the polygraph because even if it comes out fine (which it should given your situation), it isnt going to fix the major trust gap that you and your wife are experiencing. she needs to learn to trust you again on her own, and this test isnt going to help that i dont think. counseling is definately your best path.... that, and staying away from the crazies, of course!