I am a disaster, I was screaming on a public street -- honest needed!

[sofarcharlie]

I had a bad night with my husband last night. And I'm worried. I'm worried about myself.

 

We were at dinner. I was exhausted from a ton of traveling. We just got out of a 6 hour road trip. We were finishing dinner at 9:30.

 

We are 41 (me) and 49 (him). We met 3 years ago.he has 2 kids that live mostly w their mom. I have 50/50 of my daughter with my ex.

 

He is very energetic. He likes to go out to clubs and watch people and dance. Sometimes he wants to start going out at 11pm. And I am tired. Often. It seems that he gets annoyed when I don't have the same schedule as I do.

 

I told him I was tired. I wasn't up to going out. I said besides it's late. It's 9:45 Now. I want to go home. We have been traveling for 4 days.

 

He said "most people go out" and "'most people leave to go out around midnight".

 

I said well you would know. Because you just love going out to clubs late etc. he said here we go, gotta start a fight.

 

He then proceeded to tell me that if I kept up this behavior he would leave me and drive to his mother's and LEAVE me.

 

I said omg. You want to leave me?! He said yes, because you are unreasonable and chronically unhappy. You need to learn a lesson.

 

Again, I was tired. I had 2 glasses of wine and I said let's go and I told him to LEAVE. Just GO! He wouldn't. He said he only wanted to leave if I kept up my behavior and I need to fix myself, or yes, he will leave me for good.

 

I became very angry and I walked off and told him to get the fuc@ away. I will take a cab. Just go!!! And then I launched into the fact that I was not ok. That I am very sad daily. And that I can't stop thinking of the fact that he DID leave me last year for 4 weeks. And he said he was done with me and went no contact and started on dating sites and I later found out he slept with women. When he came back to me he swore he wasn't with another woman but he was.

 

I found the condoms in the house and he still swore that he was honest and never touched another woman. He told me last night that he left me the last time to 'teach me a lesson' and make me more grateful.

 

I was screaming and yelling for him to leave and he was chasing me down the street. It was insane. He says I am out of control and called me alcoholic. But that he loves me more than he can tell me and he won't leave me, but I need to change. And stop questioning him. Am I insane? Am i insane to stay?

 

Again, I think he was just using the threat to bully me because when I said GO (albiet in a crazy way) He begged me to calm down. Give him another chance. But says I need to "change my ways".

 

Everything is ok if I don't question him and certainly can't point out when he lies to me.

 

I was destroyed when he left me last year. He was talking to lawyers and wanted divorce and then came back because he loves me so much.

 

He says he just can't take the fighting. But here is a sample. We were driving theaters and i said "god I'm tired. I'm tired of my work. I feel pulled in a million directions and I said I feel very sad that my little one is starting to seem distant from me".

 

He said angrily what's the solution? Said I don't get to "whine about my kid and problems without a solution".

 

I got silent and said no more talk. I am not fighting again. I was opening up to you. I told him he has no sympathy and he says no not really... that there are solutions and I just want to make him feel guilty?

 

Then said my silence was a game he doesn't like.

 

So WHO is fighting here? I am not!

[MJJean]

I hope the lesson you learn is that you made a mistake, married an adulterous douchebag, and will correct the mistake with a swift divorce.

[BaileyB]

Not to dismiss your feelings and your pain, but...

 

Any man who wanted to "teach me a lesson to be grateful" should be grateful that I didn't throw his clothes on the lawn and change the locks on the door while he was out. He should be grateful that I didn't start divorce proceedings the next day. There is absolutely no way that I would tolerate that kind of attitude from my husband. That is so disrespectful to you.

 

As for the fact that he thinks it's normal to be going out at midnight and he thinks that "everybody does it." Well, my boyfriend and I are not far off your age range and we have never gone to a club together. I have never known my boyfriend to go to a club. And, we are in bed between 10-11pm most nights because we both WORK! Even on the weekends, we don't usually stay up that late. So, I say bull$@/! to his excuse.

 

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you are not very compatable. It also sounds like your husband is trying to hold onto his youth and the possibility that he's cheating would be a deal breaker for me. I would really have a problem with his attitude - he is disrespectful to you and he does not like to fight fair...

 

You may have some hard thinking to do about this relationship... I'm so sorry.

Edited July 23, 2017 by BaileyB

[sofarcharlie]

his argument is even though he is still lying (according to me)

now --- he doesn't need to tell me anything about what he did when he left me last year. But, he came back to me and told me he wasn't with anyone.

So, I think it is relevant because it was part of my reasoning for getting back together.

 

I get that part but it is SO hard to forget. He lied and said the condoms I found in the house were YEARS old -- before me. The problem is I ran the lot number. They were made in 2017 and there were only 8 of the 15 left.

 

I said just tell me the truth! He can't. He won't. He says I am stil wrong -- needing to find problems to justify leaving him.

 

He "loveeessss me and adores me" but just needs to see me happy and he needs me to make him feel like the best thing that ever happened to him...

 

 

I hope the lesson you learn is that you made a mistake, married an adulterous douchebag, and will correct the mistake with a swift divorce.

[BaileyB]

You know he cheated. He knows that you know he cheated.

 

He had every right to do whatever he wanted to do when you were not "together." But, when he chose to come back to you and you agreed to take him back, that's when he became obligated to tell you what happened.

 

Why exactly do you think he likes the clubs so much - it's not the dancing, and it's not to spend time with you. It's probably because it is, as Dr Phil would say, a "target rich environment."

 

He is right about one thing though... you do need to change. You need to stop accepting his crap and file for divorce.

[basil67]

So WHO is fighting here? I am not!

 

Actually, you were very much fighting. The two of you were both fighting very unfairly - starting with snippy remarks at each other and then escalating to you both participating in a full blown war. You can't put all of this on him.

 

I firmly believe that we can be with people who don't bring out our best. I've known the sweetest, calmest people to go ballistic when matched with the wrong person. And you're with the wrong person. Neither of you is having your needs met by the other. You don't even seem to enjoy each other's company and you're both taking it out on each other with poor conflict resolution skills.

 

If you and/or he is unwilling to meet in the middle and address the things which upset the partner, this is just going to get more and more toxic.

 

Have you done marriage counselling? Why did he leave you previously? When he came back, did the two of you try and address the things which caused him to leave in the first place?

[sofarcharlie]

He left me the last time because he was angry for many reasons. Mainly he was struggling financially and I was holding a portion of my paycheck for my retirement. He found out (I was denying it) and went ballistic and said that HE controlled the finances and that I was not allowed to put money in my retirement.

 

He had completely depleted my savings and my 401k so I started to panic -- worrying that he would leave me with nothing. And that's exactly what he did.

 

As for the fighting -- I went to therapy (indivicual almost daily) when we were broken up. And when I went back to him she was nearly in tears because I had accomplished so much -- and I went back.

 

When I suggested therapy with him he told me that I wouldn't want that because within 2 minutes he would inform the therapist why I am so crazy and why I am lucky he is with me -- and that she would instantly know I'm certifiable... So -- I don't think therapy works with him unfortunately.