Single for a very long time

[bonezuk]

I’m 31 years old and apart from the odd fling never had a girlfriend or a relationship in my entire life. Maybe I never quite looked fanciable enough for any girls, or never acquired the right flirting skills or gave off the wrong body language signal or said the wrong things. I definitely think that my biggest let down has been to constantly be put into the “nice guy” category - a sure fire death sentence on any prospect of coming across as sexually attractive.

 

So what you may ask is my problem? Well lets go through the list of the blooming obvious.

 

Q. Do I live with my parents?

A. No. Not for a very long time.

 

Q. Do I have steady job?

A. Yes. Actually a very good job at that.

 

Q. Do I have any previous emotional attachments or hang-ups?

A. Oh J. Take a wild guess at this one. I short – No.

 

Q. Am I short and fat?

A. Not really. Over 6’ tall and good physical shape.

 

Q. Do I have 2 left feet?

A. No. I can take the dance floor anytime I want.

 

Q. Am I a bit thick?

A. Only if Einstein was a bit of thickie.

 

Q. Do I look or smell bad?

A. I take a shower and shave every morning and put on clean smart cloths.

 

I suppose one reason for being single is because I became a software engineer. From my experience the usual response I face when I say what I do for a living is one of disgust and rejection. But even when I studied for and practiced medicine I was far from drawing the crowds, or even a single girl in that case.

 

I could rant on and on about is it this or that being the problem but after long years of constant neglect and rejection the only real truth that I can arrive at is that I am obviously not good enough for any girl.

[Houdini's Sweetie]

bonezuk,

 

Although I have been married (to the wrong person), and have had 5 short-term, supposedly "serious" relationships in my life, I can tell you that Not Being Good Enough for anyone seems to be a chronic problem for me, as well.

 

Like you, I'm at my wit's end as to what about me is Not Good Enough for the gents. I'm told I'm beautiful and have a great figure. I know for a fact that I'm far from stupid. I'm kind, friendly, supportive, courageous and self-sufficient. Marvelous in bed. When I get a chance. I'm easy to get along with, don't nag or argue, and am usually in a good mood unless provoked. The few, rare men who have had relationships with me rave about how wonderful I am...and then dump me without explanation or incident, or neglect me until I'm forced to leave.

 

The rest never get past flirting, chatting and spending months or even years (yes, I said YEARS) emailing or telephoning me without asking me for a date! Yet they'll happily recount their failed or miserable dates with other women they feel are unsuitable for them! My personal ad? Totally ignored except by men who send one flash-in-the-pan response, behaving as though I'm the holy grail they're been searching for their entire lives, and then disappear into the ether. If I get past that hurdle and actually have a date with one of them, you can guarantee that it will only be ONE date and then they'll stand me up on the second date that they pressure me to accept.

 

I've just been dumped by a man I've been seeing for less than two months after more than a year of being totally alone (after being dumped by my fiance). What happened? You tell me. We spent a happy, affectionate, intimate day together, and he told me we need to do this again and then disappeared. That was 10 days ago. Not a peep out of him after walking me to my car and not wanting to let me go home. Oh, well.

 

Am I just Not Good Enough? Or are these men just not good enough for me? Sometimes I wonder...

[Neptune]

Hey, maybe you two should hook up? Well, I know where you are coming from. Soon someone will write a book called self sabotage and make a bundle because it is a term not mentioned much in popular culture.

 

But it is very real and I have really gone through it big time. It seems the mindset nowadays focuses on whatever but in reality we are manufacturing our on reality. To read both of these posts first there is no reason there should be a problem.

[Neptune]

OK, further explaination. Note the two remarkably similar mindsets in the last paragraphs of these posts. That also was me for a long, long time. It took me until I was 48 to "break on through to the other side" Now I can look back and see things crystal clear. Counciling is not a bad idea. It would have been a great thing for me at 21.

[johnnyl321]

self fulfilling prophecy. don't go out looking for love, it will find you, but you need to make yourself a bit more available. for example, are you hanging out where only 20 somethings go, in hopes of finding a young woman, rather than someone say 27-35? similar ages usually help in these ways.

also, understand that women like men with confidence. doesn't mean you have to be a cocky jackass, but that you like to smile rather than cry, and if it ends on the friendship tip, then so be it. whoever said that friends can't have sex?

[Neptune]

People are mostly baffled by the person who seems to be alright but never seems to connect with someone. Definitely in the minority of people. Note that most peoples` problems and posts here on LoveShack tend to be in relationships. That is normal.

So, someone who is not connecting with others in relationships to some degree is not normal or at least in the monority because I, like some others, agree that normal is a vague term. But you know what I mean.

So, this sort of thing never tends to attract much attention because the number of people in this predicament is small. But their situation is really perplexing to them. And few people understand it. It is difficult to understand.

And quite frankly, most people really don`t care. They just don`t see what your problem is.

[Neptune]

So, you in a way are mostly alone with this problem. Even people who are involved in counciling will likely percieve that you need to just get out more. There are not many I suspect, and on this I may be wrong, in the counciling field, who could fully grasp the concept of self sabotage. If you have not experienced it it is a puzzling thing indeed and probably most may suspect it is some hocus pocus that someone dreamed up.

One thing that the general populace always tends to suspect about someone caught in the web of self sabotage is that they are gay or lesbian. That will often be the likely conclusion because it just don`t add up.

[sillysally]

I'm having the same problem, 34, female, 2 or 3 serious relationships, but in the past 2 1/2 years my relationships have lasted 2-3 months tops. I'm thin, attractive, good job, nice, smart, own my own home, went to college, smell good, etc, but I'm staring to think I'm doing something wrong. I really do play it casual, let him do the calling, I'm not a stalker. I just can't figure it out. And I'm not gay.

[Neptune]

There was a time some years ago where issues like this were more directly addressed. But nowadays, things just seem to be focused differently. Some perceptive author will in due time write a book on this and it will hit the spotlight. It will be the rage of the moment! Oprah, cover of time magazine, best seller list. EVerything old is new again. People will listen because he is an expert and then suddenly realize that many people have this trait at work in them.

There is nothing new under the sun. From the beginning of time people have had insight into human nature and expressed it in various ways. Greek mythology covers a wide range of human nature.

[Neptune]

sillysally,

The main thing is don`t be troubled so much. Appreciate what you have. Don`t worry, be happy but, it is a good thing to be trying to gain insight into yourself. It can make a difference. The bottom line is that you may be quite satisfied with your circumstances just as they are. The thought of getting married and having children or whatever may not really be what you want within yourself. So, it could take time for you to be comfortable with who you really are. It takes courage because most people do in fact get married and have children. You may not want that but have a hard time admitting it to yourself.

[Dean3922]

My belief is that if someone can go 31 years without a serious relationship then either he is way shy and introverted or way to picky. You say girls just don't like you but do you show any interest in them?

 

Can you tell us what you have done to try to attract a women and then we can give you some pointers?

[JS17]

Originally posted by johnnyl321

self fulfilling prophecy. don't go out looking for love, it will find you, but you need to make yourself a bit more available. for example, are you hanging out where only 20 somethings go, in hopes of finding a young woman, rather than someone say 27-35? similar ages usually help in these ways.

also, understand that women like men with confidence. doesn't mean you have to be a cocky jackass, but that you like to smile rather than cry, and if it ends on the friendship tip, then so be it. whoever said that friends can't have sex?

 

ditto

[Neptune]

Recently I read a quote somewhere that said.... never worry about someone stealing an original idea from you, if it is original you will literally have to ram it down their throats. Well, what I have said preceding this is not original in any way but it does seem to be largely forgotten. The last couple of post illustrate this fact.

[Neptune]

So, click on new posts and notice: how many pertain to the circumstance of this post. Vitually none? Well, that is normal. Normal, of course, a term that I say is very vague. But, it makes my point clear, the world moves foward and really does not care too much for people on the sideline.

[Neptune]

Opps, double posted!!!!!! Anyway, consider what I am saying. It really is pretty radical as far as societies go. The people in power generally don`t appreciate this sort of thing. The money and votes are in the masses. Not the minority.

[Neptune]

So, bonezuk, Houdini`s Sweetie and sillysally, the best I can say is to be happy with yourself. Don`t be intimidated by others. Good things do happen when we least expect and that doesn`t mean they have to come in the form of a relationship. It can be simply the realization of how to be at peace with ones self

[Outcast]

Actually, there have been many posts on LS about how it's hard to find a good person to spend one's life with.

 

I'd say to you both that as long as you think it's about you, you'll be taking the wrong approach. If someone doesn't choose you, it's all about them. Chocolate cake is a perfectly wonderful food. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with it. However, some people just don't like chocolate cake, which is not the cake's fault.

 

For whatever reason, you're not finding people that you connect the right way with. People are very complex; the numbers of individual combinations of tastes, opinions, etc. is infinite. That any people manage to find each other is almost miraculous - and we see some confirmation of that by the divorce rates and the number of people living alone.

[bonezuk]

Cheers everyone for your responses. Its good to know that I am not the only person who feels or thinks like this. At the end of the day I have been trying to understand why I am in this situation and what things I can do improve my chances of getting to go out on a date.

 

Off course the problem is a lot more complex than simply having to go out more often. If that were the case then I would have been in a relationship a long time ago. But I have never had anything close to what I would call a sexual relationship ever in my life. Although that’s not to say that I don’t have good healthy relationships with my friends and family.

 

So I’ve been reading and listening to a lot of good material. This site being a good example. Unfortunately the idea of counselling here in Glasgow is to drown all your problems in pints of lager and whiskey. Any resources for counselling are taken up by more serious mental problems and Glasgow has no shortage. Usually as a direct or indirect result of Glasgow’s original definition of “counselling”. Though given the fact that I wanted to seriously become a brain surgeon when I was younger has helped me in trying to understand the problem.

 

So when I say the phrase “I am clearly not good enough for any woman” it is a generalised comment based on personal experience. The fact that I try my luck and don’t even get the slightest “Yeah, I’ll go out on a date with you” on a constant basis does reinforce this particular idea. I know logically that this idea is a false fallacy but because I don’t have this belief challenged by reality then it only serves to reinforce this belief. Certainly a very vicious circle of thinking.

 

As for being gay. Well I don’t have any doubt that I am heterosexual. If I were gay would I be checking out the girls as soon as I walk into a room?

 

However I am way shy and introverted in my own way. It is very easy to engage me in one to one conversation. But in a group I very rarely speak unless . I become extremely self-conscious with my mind running to invent scenarios of why I should not say this or that. So yes, I am very good at self-sabotage.

 

I think the culture of political correctness is good example of why I am like this. Everyday I read another story about how so and so expresses an opinion that goes against current political thinking and in turn the labelling is used to eject them from human society. Usually in a very vicious manner aimed at causing as much damage as possible.

 

For example, I at the time and I still do support the war and military action that took place in Afghanistan. The local cultural opinion that has emerged is to call our political leaders war criminals. So for me to express my support for the action that took place, no matter how intelligently or eloquently put, would see me immediately labelled as “a warmonger” and “a racist”. And that certainly was the case. Now this is certainly not the place for this debate but I use it to try illustrate the point.

 

Certainly a lot of the woolly thinking and sheer emotional attack that has come from the feminist ideological camp has help create this environment. Constant stories of sexual harassment of about how some guy looked at or said something to a woman in a way she didn’t like and now he’s in court facing a rack of charges. So in knowing this I avoid that situation arising upon myself but in actual fact it is all just part and parcel of the human mating ritual.

 

So being a very independent and free thinking person I have become afraid of expressing my own thoughts and feelings for fear of such rejection and humiliation. Thus in effect I am afraid of expressing and showing my true colours. It’s nothing more than my survival instinct kicking in.

[JS17]

I strongly believe that there is a lot to say for the self defeating attitude. I think that you should work on your self esteem because until you believe that you're a great person and have a lot to offer (which you are and do), nobody else will. My other suggestions are to start getting involved in things that interest you in your area just to round out your development. There is always potential to meet people in that situation as well. If you feel that you need therapy of some sort (as by your posting, drowning your problems at the bar etc.) and it's not available to you then maybe you could try self help books.

 

There are two things that struck me...first that you said you have no problems with friends...why have none of these friends offered to set you up on dates? Have they and you're being picky? I don't know, I'm just trying to understand.

 

The other thing that struck me was your very intelligent description of your strong beliefs. A lot of intelligent people tend to be too serious, introverted, and shy. This reminds me of a guy that I had dated telling me this story of his friend. His friend was I think in his early/mid twenties and was also a virgin and had a hard time finding women. He told me that his friend would go up to a woman and start talking about politics. In a social setting, people aren't necessarily going to respond well to that right off the bat. Try keeping it light until you get to know the person. Laugh a little, take it easy, pretend that this is just a friend...who also happens to be a cute girl.

[Neptune]

Oh, by the way. In mentioning someone that is too single for too long that seems to have everything going for his or herself, I am not implying at all that there is this closet homo thing going on. I said that to clarify what other people often presume may be going on. Because generally people have to provide an explaination rather than keep an open mind.

 

Also, many people who are married are actually a little envious of the single person that seems to have it all. So, it is hard to get any sympathy from the countless many of those.

 

I realize there are many posts on LS about the difficulty of finding someone. But seldom does the idea of self sabatoge come up. That is why I spent some time approaching things from that angle. It may not be a factor at all in many. But so few people seem to have any awareness of this topic.

[Outcast]

Thinking your aloneness is due to 'not being worthy' IS self-sabotage. You do have to make more effort to get out and meet people. Try Internet dating. Yes, there are horror stories but not many more than real-life dating and it has been really successful for lots of people. It may let you meet more 'shy, introverted' people who are reluctant to venture out to meet people, which can be more threatening for women than it is for men.

[animo]

You should never be ashamed or otherwise 'hide' your opinions about matters. Sharing your opinion is not a crime and infact it's your full right as a human being.

 

I'm going to take a shot in the dark here, but i think that you allow yourself to be intimidated by others on your opinions. They will feel it's 'inpropper' to have such opinions, while theirs are superior, and you will step back and off your pedestal to make room for them. I've dealth with silly illogical debates with silly illigocal people for years, somehow eventhough they didn't make a hunk of sence and obviously did not know what they were talking about, they always came out on top. That is untill i realized i was being 'civilized' and 'mature' and stepped off my pedestal and crawled back under my rock as soon as i felt they were trying to intimidate me with some crosswind.

 

Stand your ground. It's your opinion and in the end it's just as good as anyone elses. You don't need to be apologetic about your opinions and you don't need to tollerate or allow people to belittle your opinions simply because they do not agree with you. They may not agree, they may not like it...but they should respect it! The problem is they never will if you keep backing off and giving them the field...

 

You also mentioned that you are shy. This may be at the foundation of all your problems, seeying as you are also introverted, you seem like the perfect victim for self defeatist attitude and self punishment. There are plenty of things you can do about being shy, there are plenty of ways of dealing with it, and even using it to your advantage. The way i see it you have nothing to be shy about. Asside from the 'pros' about you that you already mentioned you also seem very well spoken. You obviously have some qualities, but my suspision is that you are not letting them shine and even HIDE them to avoid conflicts...

 

Feel free to correct me if i bounced a wrong ball here

[Jayhawks]

However I am way shy and introverted in my own way. It is very easy to engage me in one to one conversation. But in a group I very rarely speak unless . I become extremely self-conscious with my mind running to invent scenarios of why I should not say this or that. So yes, I am very good at self-

 

Bingo! I knew this was the case. You are afraid of rejection and your shyness just intensifies this reality. You think to much and analyze situations to the point of talking yourself out of any action. There comes a time ( and you are 31 ) when your pride and fear have to take a back seat if you want to move forward. You have to quit letting yourself become friends with women. You do not need another friend, you want a physical connection. Tell yourself you are going to talk to this women and then walk up and say hello. You will be awkward at first but as you continue to do this you will become better at it and have more to say. You think women don't like you but that is your self sabotage talking. You do not know this for a fact because you have never had a relationship. You just think because they don't respond to your attempts that they just are not interested in you. You must not look at rejection as a personal attack on you. If a gal says no you thank her and move to another interest. At your age you should be immune to the word no but because you probably have NEVER asked a gal out for a date you have much catching up to do.

 

It is not easy at first but by taking the chance you will give yourself confidence. There will be a gal that will respond to you so do not think ALL women don't like you. You just have to keep at it until you find her. As NIKE says, "just do it".

You will be so happy at yourself for the attempt.

[zoey15]

same thing for me silly sally, i'm very attractive, good job, have my own place, work out four times a week, cook, watch football, drink beer...what else??

 

Oh I smell great too!

 

I figure someone will come along one day. I also think that maybe I would be stuck with some a**h*** as a husband or worse....I could have a kid(s) with a loser.

 

I'm glad I'm not in those situations, but I feel like something is wrong with me as well.

 

I try not to think about it like neptune says, but it is hard from time to time.

 

As for all you nice guys out there...if one walked in my direction, i'd snag him up real quick!!!! I've had to many mean men in my life and when i'm old I know I'd rather be with someone who is nice rather then mean, so don't change!!

[NewLee40]

I have the same frustration. I am seriously beginning to think "you're a wonderful woman but..." is my middle name.

 

I saw a book one day that was entitled, "If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I still Single?" Good question.

 

Don't know the answer..maybe I should look at the book.