What did Mum imply?

[carole.]

My 88 year old Mother passed away 1 month ago after a short terminal illness for which she refused treatment. Dad died just 6 weeks earlier and most people think she wanted to be with him.

 

I have an older sister who lives abroad in Australia and rarely visits. She is not close to my parents but had a better relationship with Mum than Dad.

 

I gave up work 8 years ago to move nearer my parents to help look after them. I would take them to appointments, did chores, take them on holiday and for days out. On the days that I saw them I kissed them hello and good bye. Mum would say to me sometimes "you know how much I love you don't you?"

 

I loved them both dearly but was always considered a Daddy's girl. When Mum was ill in hospital she told me that she could not have wished for a better daughter and that I could get on with my life.

 

When Mum came home to die, she was barely lucid but she again told me that she could not have wished for a better daughter and cried. Two days later she passed away shortly after I entered her bedroom, as I held her hand, told her I loved her and she squeezed my hand and half opened her eyelid to look at me.

 

Although I know she loved me I just wonder what it implies when she said I was the best daughter she could have wished for. Anyone got any views and why she didn't say "I love you" which would have taken less effort for her?

Edited July 23, 2017 by carole.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so sorry for the loss of both of your parents in such a short span of time . I'm sure you are filled with so many different emotions right now.

 

I'm not sure I'm understanding your question. Are you saying you wish she'd told you she loved you? I think that's more than implied if that's what you're wondering and worrying about.

 

If not, maybe she just meant you've been a better daughter to her than your sister has because of all of the ways you've helped in the last 8 years? She definitely seemed so imply she knows the sacrifices that took when she told you that you can now get on with your life.

 

How is YOUR relationship with your sister? Have you resented that the brunt of the care fell on you?

[carole.]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I guess that I did wonder that saying she could not have wished for a better daughter includes love for me.

 

I do not think she was comparing me with my sister as we already have a very poor relationship and that would imply favouritism. She has been troublesome for most of her adult life and we don't talk. I do not resent that I did the bulk of caring as I live in the same country and I did it out of love. My sister would not have had the patience to do it and she has lived abroad for 40 years.

 

So I am just wondering why she didn't just say "I love you" as it would take less effort although she also said it to me in hospital when she wasn't as ill as when she came home.

Edited July 23, 2017 by carole.

[Art_Critic]

So I am just wondering why she didn't just say "I love you" as it would take less effort although she also said it to me in hospital when she wasn't as ill as when she came home.

 

You needed to hear I love you, she needed to tell you how proud of you she is in the kind of person you have become. Telling someone how proud they are is also a form of saying ILY, so she told you she loved you.. just not in the words you were looking for.

 

Sorry for your loss....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so sorry for the loss of both of your parents in such a short span of time . I'm sure you are filled with so many different emotions right now.

 

I'm not sure I'm understanding your question. Are you saying you wish she'd told you she loved you? I think that's more than implied if that's what you're wondering and worrying about.

 

If not, maybe she just meant you've been a better daughter to her than your sister has because of all of the ways you've helped in the last 8 years? She definitely seemed so imply she knows the sacrifices that took when she told you that you can now get on with your life.

 

How is YOUR relationship with your sister? Have you resented that the brunt of the care fell on you?

 

My dad died of a massive heart attack on Christmas night (not recently) after a day of fun holiday festivities. I KNOW my dad loved me so much, as he showed it in so many ways. However, I do not remember saying "I love you" to him or him saying "I love you" to me when he left to go home that evening. My little kids were running around, wine had been consumed (not by him), etc. I really hate that I don't have that memory, so I get where you're coming from somewhat. I know he loved me, but to have a memory of hearing it one more time sure would be nice. <3

[BaileyB]

Indeed. You needed to hear her say that she loved you. She wanted to tell you how proud she was - of the care you had provided, of the person you had become, of the daughter you had been to her... Take that as the gift that it was and know that she told you - in word and by her actions - that she loved you every single day of your life. You are blessed.

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents. Best wishes to you.

[shoplocal]

It's possible that she meant you were a better daughter than she could have even created in her imagination (where everybody is perfect) - which seems like very high praise. Far deeper and more meaningful than 'I love you'.

 

Sorry for your loss it must have been hard to lose your parents so close together. It sounds like you were a truly giving and loving daughter.

[JuneL]

I wanted to echo others that what your mother said means much more than simply an "I love you". You know, ILY's can sound very generic and parents are supposed to have unconditional love for their children anyway.

 

Sorry for your loss.

[carole.]

I would like to say a massive "thank you" to everyone who replied.

 

As time has passed, I have often re-visited this site and read the replies again.

It has given me such reassurance and helped eased my pain.

I now feel really blessed and privileged that Mum said those words to me.

[healing light]

I guess that I did wonder that saying she could not have wished for a better daughter includes love for me.

 

Of course! I am with the other posters here; the second I read what she said to you about knowing whether you realized she could not have had a better daughter, I knew immediately that it was a far deeper way of saying I love you. She was basically telling you that she's proud of who you've become, that she loves you, and that you were the perfect daughter all rolled up in one! And she asked it in a question because she wanted to make sure that you knew without a doubt how deeply loved and appreciated you were (and outright said it with, "you know how much I love you, don't you?").

 

She also gave you permission to move on and be happy because she knew how much of your life you had given to her in her final years. While the grieving process is natural and can be an ebb and flow, she didn't want you to be stuck in sadness and thought you deserved to be happy. That's how I interpreted her statement about allowing you to get on with your life.

 

Condolences for your loss.