Cheating on his fiance with me.

[Firstlady07]

I have this guy friend who has been chasing me for a few years who I've developed feelings for. I've always acted like I didn't like him when I always have. I have been fighting these feelings but recently he's become way more affectionate with me and it started to toy with my feelings.

 

He has a girlfriend or fiance I should say and they're planning to get married within the next few months and it hurts like hell. he told me he didn't know what this attraction was that he had to me but it's something. If I'm honest is something about him too and it may just be sex for him but for me it's more. I don't want to be a side piece of ass and of course I know he probably wouldn't leave or break up with her for me but I really have feelings for him.

 

And because of that a part of me really wants to compromise myself and just go for it but the other part of me is telling me not to because it's not me and its not worth it. I haven't expressed my feelings to him yet even though he's asked me to be honest and that's because I don't know what I'm going to do but I very much intend to and I would think by now he would know that I do actually like him. Part of this is my fault because I've been stringing myself along and when he was single he asked me on a date but I declined since I was talking to another guy at the time. And I possibly missed my window of opportunity.

 

But because I like him so much I'm so torn and I keep going back and forth with myself on what I should do I really want to be honest with him and tell him that I can't do this. But then I go back and change my mind. We haven't slept together but we've started to cross some boundaries.

 

I have thought about the girlfriend too and how she doesnt deserve it and I would hate to be in her shoes. This has never happened to me before and I'm the good girl type as some people call it who never understood why this stuff happens but now I completely get it.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here I guess other people's thoughts or their experience and I just needed to vent and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.

Edited July 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BreakingWave]

You're in a situation that is, in some important ways, similar to where I found myself 9 months ago. A close friend confessed her attraction to me. Despite the fact she was married, I allowed my crush on her and (I admit it) the way it felt to have someone so gorgeous and interesting chasing me. She also told me from very early on (though not until after we'd slept together) that she was unlikely to leave her marriage or be able to give me anything resembling a "real" relationship.

 

Nine months later, I'm desperately in love with her and posting on LoveShack while she's kept her promise to stay married and not change a thing about her "real" life. I'm single, and was able to view what was happening between us as a real relationship, but it was never that to her.

 

Save yourself. Don't become the depressed, suicidal wreck that I am right now. When he tells you he still intends to get married, believe him. Ask yourself if you want to be a married man's dirty little secret or not. Ask yourself if you can handle the series of daily rejections and kicks to your self-worth that such a role necessarily involves. Ask yourself if, even after you see the situation for what it is, even after you've started to hate him for what he's done and hate yourself even more for letting it happen, you want to still pine for him, subjecting yourself to endless images on social media and nights out with mutual friends where his "real life" is paraded in front of you and then you go home alone. Because that's what this is.

[sandylee1]

As he isn't married yet... You should be honest with him. Tell him you are attracted to him, but would only take things further if he was single and available.

 

I truly think if he's hot on you, he shouldn't get married, because you may always be the one that got away to him.

 

He has to make the decision to end his engagement if he doesn't love her enough to be faithful to her.

 

To me marriage is the ultimate commitment, so before the vows are made, if he's having doubts, he should deal with it.

[Purepony]

I agree with the first poster and the second one

 

Talk to him first and if he still gets married don't be involved with him anyway I would just cut off all communication

[misspalmy]

hell him how you really feel. you have nothing to lose. if he doesnt feel the same at least you can say you try. never know he could have feeling too

[Chica80]

Tell him how you feel, but do not I REPEAT DO NOT ENGAGE MORE!!

 

My A started 5 mo before he got married. That was 2yr ago. If there is something between you he will not go through with it. But if you engage....then he may continue anyway and have both....

 

I don't think that is what you want.

[TheBathWater]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I believe I can offer some perspective based on my experience as the Other Man who was seeing an engaged woman for a year, who actually recently broke up with her fiancé.

 

First, you should consider what it is you're about to get into. There are no words to capture the unequivocal pain you are going to feel getting involved with this man over the long run. Are you ready to live your life on hold? Are you willing to suspend your heart for someone who is not available and likely will not leave their fiancé and commit to you? Are you ready to surrender all of your power while they keep theirs? If he does leave her for you, are you willing to go through the uncertainty and doubt of whether the relationship with you and him will last and if he will do to you what he is doing to her? Are you going to enjoy the guilt and shame that you feel for having come between two people? Are you looking forward to doing individual therapy (and couples therapy if the two of you do become monogamous) for months or even years to deal with the aftermath of what the affair will do to you?

 

Right now, your emotional wounds are being activated and you are enthralled by this guy. You're confused. You don't know what to do. I can't advise you what to do ultimately, but I can tell you with certainty that this is the process you are going to face if you continue down this road. It is not pretty...at all. Some people say these situations are more traumatic than abusive experiences. It will leave a stain on your psyche, heart, and soul. If you think I'm being a bit hysterical about all of this and you do proceed with this guy, try bookmarking this thread and coming back to it several months from now and see if you can identify with what I've described.

 

You might want to google search 'mate poaching' and read some of the links that pop up to research studies on these situations. Very few infidels actually leave their partners for their affair partner, and if they do, the statistics point strongly in the opposite direction of your favor. I forget the actual number, but I think it's something ridiculously pessimistic like less than 1% of all affairs end up transitioning to a relationship and live to survive over the long haul.

 

If you're wondering why I got into my situation with the woman who was engaged, we started as part of a consensual open relationship arrangement and technically were not an affair in the beginning. I won't hijack this thread by going into the details, but in short, it has been the most painful experience of my life to date. She did leave her fiancé and right now we are separated so I'm still in limbo with her, even after they split. I might be for a long time. We're taking a lot of painful steps to try to right the situation before deciding if we are going to be together. Since we've come so far and are taking the right steps (albeit with a lot of hurt and time apart), I'm not backing out now. But if I could go back and do it all over again, I would have never proceeded. I have a feeling that if you proceed forward too, you may wind up saying the same.

 

Good luck, and please keep us posted on how you're doing. I received a lot of support, guidance, and wisdom from this forum. Remember to take good care of yourself.

[Bufo]

Repeat advice. Pick any 10 OW stories at random. You can even use older posts. Keep score on how many turned out happily for the OW versus how many did not. Then pick any 10 more. Repeat the math.

 

Then ask yourself why your story will turn out happy. What exactly is so different in your situation from how the other stories that didn't turn out happy

 

If he goes through with the wedding plans, you are relegated to OW status. Refer to statistics compiled per above instructions. If the wedding gets cancelled then you know you have found your very own cheater.

 

I'm not psychic so I don't guarantee a bad ending. But I do understand how odds work. They don't favor you. Don't be lured in by the promise of a meaningful relationship.

[Firstlady07]

I really appreciate the support and advice. I never thought something like this would happen to me and it's really hard. I can't believe I let myself get into this. We've been playing this cat-and-mouse game so long I didn't think my feelings for him with grow like they have.

 

Truth is if I just would have been honest from the get-go and opened my mouth this probably could have been avoided. But I guess with me liking him and not wanting to let him go I didn't say anything and just went along with it. I think I've also tried to protect myself from getting hurt but looks like I screwed that up too because now I'm getting hurt no matter what.

Edited July 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheBathWater]

I really appreciate the support and advice. I never thought something like this would happen to me and it's really hard. I can't believe I let myself get into this. We've been playing this cat-and-mouse game so long I didn't think my feelings for him with grow like they have.

 

Truth is if I just would have been honest from the get-go and opened my mouth this probably could have been avoided. But I guess with me liking him and not wanting to let him go I didn't say anything and just went along with it. I think I've also tried to protect myself from getting hurt but looks like I screwed that up too because now I'm getting hurt no matter what.

 

That's the thing. These situations aren't planned; they "just happen." I believe the only way to prevent them from happening is to be proactive about putting boundaries in place earlier in the process when things still seem safe, when you're "just friends who have lunch," or anything similar to that.

 

Whether a person is single or taken, people always think they're safe from becoming involved in an affair because they imagine at some point there will be a clear line drawn between safe and not safe territory. But just like an addiction, you don't recognize that there is a problem until it has become one. The only way to catch it early on is to draw boundaries before actions are carried out. The way to do that is to be attuned to your emotions and what you feel when you're around someone who is unavailable. It is tempting to allow ourselves to have feelings for someone when it feels good and we can't foreshadow future consequences, but it's important to think two steps ahead. Usually we don't learn this until we've had an experience. Maybe this will be yours.

 

Whatever ends up happening, I have no doubt you will learn a lot from this situation and you will be able to prevent yourself from getting drawn in by someone else unavailable in the future.

[Firstlady07]

Alright folks here's an update so after I posted this really that weekend reality had been hitting me and what I was about to do. So I started acting differently and not being receptive to his advances you could obviously tell there was a change in me I was very firm and cold towards him. Then all of a sudden after he tells me I've been acting funny and different ..he drops the big bomb on him getting married in three weeks. Needless to say I was livid but I knew he was getting married just didn't know how quickly or when. A few days went by and you could tell that our interactions had changed so I decided to have a conversation with him and he told me he had to stop messing with me that he was trying to change and trying to do right even though he was still talking crazy in that same conversation and telling me how he wants me.. I also let him know that yeah I care about you but at the end of the day I wasn't okay with being the other woman I wouldn't have been able to go through with it. However he lets me know that I let him slip away that he tried everything he could he's been here for years even when he was single but I was just too scared to act on anything or be honest and that's how we got here and that it could have been us. If I'm being honest he's really kind of right.

 

At first I wasn't as hurt about it as I thought I would be I didn't feel that heart drop down to your stomach or that sting like I thought I would but after our last conversation it finally hit me and it hurts like hell now. So now I'm letting go and moving on and I know it's going to take time. I know the attraction that we have for each other and feelings just won't die overnight but I will get through it. That thing is I have to see him everyday for long periods of time. For some reason I don't believe this is quite yet the end for us and maybe that's a part of me holding out some type of hope. Nevertheless I'm ready to get on with my life I'm just not sure what to do. Thanks again for the support and advice I really appreciate it.

[BaileyB]

Good for you! If only more people would have your strength and integrity... It would save a lot of hearts and marriages.

 

He had every opportunity to tell you how he felt and to chose you... But, he didn't do that either. So, don't let him shift the blame such that you will feel like you've missed out because you were too shy... "He tried everything and now, he has slipped away..." This is manipulation - he could be hoping to make you feel badly and come back to reengage. Don't do it!

 

He has made his choice, and sadly it was not you. But, best to let him go now and find someone in your life who can give you what you want.

[sandylee1]

Did he ever in the past come right out and ask you out? Let you know how he felt when he was single and you were single?

 

As he's about to get hitched, please keep firm boundaries in place and don't become his OW.

[Origin]

The sentence where you wrote "I still think it's not over between us" makes me worry about you. My story is very similar to Tunas and he nailed it what he wrote. If you're not careful you'll give in and sleep with him and then your life will be screwed up for a very long time and will leave you with with a huge scar. You think you're hurting now?? You have no idea the pain of being the OM or OW. The thought of being out on Saturday night, watching your "other person" leave and go home with their significant other, knowing fully well they will have sex while you go home alone to an empty house...Man... That hurts...Alot. Especially when in your mind you believe that "love" belongs to you, and you're trying to rationalize what's happening.

 

As Tuna said, if I could go back to the beginning I wouldn't do it. The pain is too steep.

 

I envy you and many other who came here first to ask for an advice. I waited until the end and by that time my soul has been taken from me.

 

The good moments you certainly would have with him if you decided to be the OW are not worth the massive rip it will leave in your heart, mind and soul one day.