Coming Clean

[wanting to heal]

My wife had a ONS four months ago. She was drunk, he certainly just wanted a lay, and we had been in a bad marriage for years. She has another improper situation with a two years ago, but it did not end in sex.

 

I am in counseling, and I have learned a lot. My family was wrought with incest, and my first sex was with a cousin when I was 11. She was 13. My second time was with my sister, I was 12 or 13. My sister was 15. My sexual experiences as a teenager are a disgrace to me.

 

The only time that I fell in love and grew into a relationship that became sexual was with my wife. She is from a religious family, but she did not share their conviction. She has a relationship with God, but it was not in the Baptist structure that her father, the pastor, required. I love my wife, and always have. She is the apple of my eye.

 

I admitted to my wife last night that I had a ONS in 1985. My wife had left me at the time, and it was our first seperation. After two weeks, I went out with my cousin Donna and her roommate, Glenda. Donna left early and Glenda and I stayed and got drunk. We wound up back at her place. She professed her love for me, and that she had always hoped me and my wife would break up. She told me that she loved me, and we had sex. I felt horrible afterward. My dad had cheated on my mom, and now I had done the same. It was also on the 5 year anniversary of my dad's untimely death.

 

I have excuses, but they do not matter. I am sorry for what I did, and I can never take it back. I had never told my wife because I did not want her to leave me. I felt that it was a horrible mistake and I did not want it to cost me happiness. That may be selfish, but it is how I felt.

 

My wife was irate that I had never told her, and she told me that she may have left me. She was really hurt that I had "dragged her through the mud" for what she did. I did punish her somewhat, but I forgave it pretty fast. It was a mistake, just like I made.

 

I feel better now, a lot. My wife and I have issues to fix in our M that have nothing to do with these two instances of bad judgement. I hope we can fix it.

 

I welcome any thoughts.

[Natural Cat]

I have excuses, but they do not matter. I am sorry for what I did, and I can never take it back. I had never told my wife because I did not want her to leave me. I felt that it was a horrible mistake and I did not want it to cost me happiness. That may be selfish, but it is how I felt.

 

She was really hurt that I had "dragged her through the mud" for what she did. I did punish her somewhat, but I forgave it pretty fast. It was a mistake, just like I made.

 

WtH, How did you bring it up? MW had an A for most of last year; I caught them. I had an A over 10 years ago, ended it and never told a sole. I've had NC with OW ever since.

 

I have also punished MW somewhat, but forgave pretty fast. We're in MC and working on other issues also, but I just can't seem to bring myself to tell her. I guess I justify not telling her b/c had I not caught her, she would have never told me either. Why should I bring it up now and set us back? I know my A was purely physical, where her's was an EA that led to a PA.

 

I admire you for having the courage to tell her. I guess I'm a chicken s^&t. Here's my story...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60888/

[dresden]

Dear WTH, if she is the apple of your eye, keep on with your counseling and see if she will go with you, or if you can start MC with another counselor. Forgive yourself too for past transgressions. You made mistakes, you are dealing with them, they made you feel horrible, you won't want to make those mistakes again.

 

Find some peace in your day and keep working at that marriage.

[lust4life]

You do realize that to have a great marriage you have to come clean. YOU have to explain to your wife why you seemingly got over her infidelity so quickly.

 

You sure don't seem nearly as traumatised as most of those who discover they have been so badly betrayed. Maybe, you do not feel monogamy is that important.

 

I am going to go read your story.

[Natural Cat]

lust4life

 

I don't want to hijack WTH's thread, but wanted to respond.

You sure don't seem nearly as traumatized as most of those who discover they have been so badly betrayed. Maybe, you do not feel monogamy is that important.

 

That's quite a charge to levy without knowing anything about my history. Please read my story and post there before making assessments. I most certainly feel monogamy is important. I made a mistake as did my wife. I ended it and did not look back. I have not been unfaithful in any way since my transgression more than a decade ago. I have been a loving and faithful husband and father. If I am misinterpreting your comments, I apologize.

 

WTH, thanks for your comments on my thread. I realize I have to come clean. We are doing well and I am so reluctant to set us back. I am almost frozen with fear. This was my mistake and my guilt. Why create new pain for her?

[lust4life]

You know you hsould come clean and you should do in soon because she is trying to work on herself and you are sitting there like you have never done anything wrong. If you love her tell her. Sorry, about not psoting this on your thread... I don't have time to look for it although I did read it the other day. Tell your wife and then start the I'm sorries at the same time. Don't let her think she is a creep when you have to know that your keeping this secret damaged the marriage all these years.