Plot Twist

[KO123]

Hello,

 

I have posted on this forum a few times about my last relationship. However, I felt that sometimes checking LS was basically a constant reminder, a painful one; hence, I decided to take a break and try to heal. But, here I am again!

 

My on again off again ex boyfriend of 4 years decided to leave me because his family (specifically his mom) doesn't approve of our relationship. It's a struggle we've had for so long, but he never addressed it with them. One of the main reasons why they blacklisted me is because they wanted us to get married 5 months into our relationship and I wasn't ready, so they got offended. He's 35 years old, but isn't capable of making this decision on his own, although he's very successful and independent professionally.

 

After he had decided that he can't go against his parents' wishes, I cut all contact. It was going well, I didn't contact my ex for a whole year and ignored all of his efforts to get me to talk to him. Until one day he said the magic words "I want to marry you regardless of what they say", and I responded. He expressed how he has realized that he can't let them control his life and that he'll have them accept me whether they like it or not. He also mentioned that even if he marries who they select for him, it would be a mistake because he'll always love me and it would be unfair to the next girl. He promised that he won't stop fighting for us and that we'll be married by the end of this year definitely. I trusted him as he's never said that so confidently before. However, only two months later, I started feeling that it's getting too much for him, and he started saying things like "I'm breaking my family apart" and he even mentioned that he doesn't appreciate how I'm "turning him against his parents" - given that I never did. He ended it again saying that he knows it's unfair to me, but ending it is the best way forward as he cannot go against his parents.

 

I was hurt when he ended it again, but I think I had it at the back of my head that he'll be back after he realizes he's made a mistake. However, this time he didn't come back. Only 4 months after leaving me, he got engaged to a lady that seems to have been selected by his mother. He seems very happy and I'm devastated. I can't comprehend how he would do such a thing and move on so quickly and be so happy. I can't help but feel like his fiance's life was supposed to be mine - I was supposed to marry him by the end of this year, not her. I keep feeling regret, like I should have married him when it was first brought up 4 years ago

 

Everyone keeps telling me I shouldn't be sad because it just shows how low he is. But, I just can't do it. I keep hoping he'd realize it's a mistake and come back to me. I don't know what to do. I need help.

Edited July 24, 2017 by KO123

[doyathinkso]

You just dodged a bullet ..... a great big silly little boy bullet!

 

Be happy.

[spiderowl]

Really sorry to hear what happened. I am not surprise you are hurt. He treated you badly. He clearly wasn't a mature guy and would have continued to let you down even if you had married him. You would probably have had hell with his family and he would have been hot and cold because of his conflicts.

 

I know you are hurt but he was just not grown-up enough for you. I am sure you will meet a decent, mature and responsible guy, once you mentally let this guy go. It is no reflection on you whatsoever, only on him and his inability to move beyond tradition and culture.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

While it may be easy to idealize the fantasy of you both living happily ever after if you had married him, the reality is that your life would have been miserable due to his family not approving. When you marry someone, you are also marrying their family. So if you do not get along with them, there will always be drama, resentment and pain.

Unless the family lives far away and there is only limited contact. Or he does chose you by leaving his family behind.

 

I know it is hard, but I do think you deserve better. And once you are healed up, I am sure somebody will come along who will be better for you.

[JDPT]

So unless this whole marriage thing is along the lines of religious/pre arranged/no feelings involved marriage, he really had no true feelings and allowed his family to get way into his head. As stated previously you really dodged a bullet because regardless of how successful he may be, he had no brain of his own. I understand you are currently in pain but in time you'll realize that this worked out for the better. Hang in there and keep coming.

[KO123]

You just dodged a bullet ..... a great big silly little boy bullet!

 

Be happy.

 

Thank you for your response. Everyone tells me so, I just can't seem to be able to see it for myself. I can't help but feel like it's my loss...

 

 

Really sorry to hear what happened. I am not surprise you are hurt. He treated you badly. He clearly wasn't a mature guy and would have continued to let you down even if you had married him. You would probably have had hell with his family and he would have been hot and cold because of his conflicts.

 

I know you are hurt but he was just not grown-up enough for you. I am sure you will meet a decent, mature and responsible guy, once you mentally let this guy go. It is no reflection on you whatsoever, only on him and his inability to move beyond tradition and culture.

 

Thank you for your response. I know, his family - specifically his mother - aren't the easiest to deal with. She had problems with my "strong personality" as she called it, and believe this would cause problems. Now, I agree that - from a logical point of view - is ridiculous as having a strong personality is something that should be praised. However, with the emotional state I'm in now, I can't help but remember how she did want us to get married very early on and called me asking me to not delay the engagement - I feel like I blew it.

 

 

While it may be easy to idealize the fantasy of you both living happily ever after if you had married him, the reality is that your life would have been miserable due to his family not approving. When you marry someone, you are also marrying their family. So if you do not get along with them, there will always be drama, resentment and pain.

Unless the family lives far away and there is only limited contact. Or he does chose you by leaving his family behind.

 

I know it is hard, but I do think you deserve better. And once you are healed up, I am sure somebody will come along who will be better for you.

 

 

Thank you for your response. Funny you should say this, it's exactly what my mother tells me. I keep saying that we weren't planning on living in the same country as his family (or mine) after marriage, but my mother believes, with his character, he could be even influenced on the phone . I don't know, I just feel like if they had eventually approved of our marriage, I doubt they would want to see their son miserable in his marriage - I doubt they would've fought his happiness if us being married became a matter of fact

 

So unless this whole marriage thing is along the lines of religious/pre arranged/no feelings involved marriage, he really had no true feelings and allowed his family to get way into his head. As stated previously you really dodged a bullet because regardless of how successful he may be, he had no brain of his own. I understand you are currently in pain but in time you'll realize that this worked out for the better. Hang in there and keep coming.

 

Thank you for your response. This is driving me crazy, I can't seem to figure out what's the motive behind it. Does he love her? Is it even possible to love someone this quickly? They've known this girl for years, how come he never even considered her and kept chasing me for 4 years (and had several relationships before me) instead of just going for her? Maybe it's because he feels like he's getting old and just wants to settle down and have kids? If so, how could he marry someone this way? He's always claimed that he could never marry someone his mother chooses for him and he has to fall in love beforehand...

 

 

 

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I also feel bad for everyone around me. I have been through a lot of hardship in my life and have always managed to maintain my strength and not break down. However, right now I'm a total mess and I can't share this with anyone as I feel like the hearts of my family and friends break over seeing me like this. I can't stop thinking about them having the kids that would have been ours. The guilt is killing me, I feel guilty for missing my chance to marry him 4 years ago, for not working harder to fix my relationship with his mother, for not being able to be happy for him now and I can't pretend like I don't wish they'd break up - as awful as it sounds...I feel horrible because I know the other girl has nothing to do with all this.

 

My mother suggested that I write an email and send it to him, hoping it would help me feel better. I have always been against these things, although we have have sent similar emails to each other before; this time it's different, he's engaged...

Edited July 28, 2017 by KO123

[KO123]

I need advice

 

My ex sent me a text message to inform me he's engaged! How should I respond? Should I even respond?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

No do not respond. Whatever you do, do not respond.

It will lead to more messages and you will spiral down to the pit of despair again.

It happens every time you make contact. Truly I am not exaggerating.

[fieldoflavender]

I need advice

 

My ex sent me a text message to inform me he's engaged! How should I respond? Should I even respond?

 

Why would they do that? Were you guys "Friends"? Yeah ignore. It's kind of mean to do that to someone.

[KO123]

Thank you for the advice. I didn't end up responding to him. However, since we have mutual friends on Facebook, a photo of him and his fiance at their engagement party popped on my home feed, along with a long caption by her about how much they love each other. I can't describe the pain I'm feeling, I haven't eaten properly in days and I just feel "numb" almost always. Seeing how in love he seems in the photo just broke me all over again. I know for a fact he didn't have any contact with her before we broke up, how can he love someone within weeks?

 

I'm having some dark thoughts lately, I'm starting to fear for my health but I just don't know how to cope and be happy again..

[fieldoflavender]

Aw it's okay - each person's personal happiness is within their own timeline. We must look within ourselves for happiness -whether or not we find someone.

 

Let them be. He is in your past. You have to be stronger for yourself.

[KO123]

My ex sent me an email saying:

 

"I'm getting married in a couple of months and I just wanted to wish you good luck and hope you find the happiness I have found with my fiance."

 

I'm speechless.

[fieldoflavender]

This person just wants to get a reaction out of you. You can either wish them well and tell them you don't really need updates on their life (taking the higher road) or I think it's perfectly fine to just ignore too and block. Either way, it's rude and pathetic of them to do this. Clearly they are not over you or else they would just be happy on their own.

[KO123]

I have been seeing a therapist, not specifically only for my break up. After a few sessions, we realized that some of the tough things I had to endure when I was younger, such as the passing of a parent, having to take on a lot of responsibilities at a young age...etc, have influenced how I approached my relationship (among other things in my life).

 

She recommended that I write a few letters, one of which would be for my ex, to express my latest realizations and healing process. She prefers that I send each letter to the person it's addressed to, if possible, without worrying about their reaction. She believes it's a way for me to take some weight off my chest as one of my main regrets is the fact that I didn't express my emotions enough. However, I'm not sure I should send him the letter, I'm afraid it'll be misunderstood or would make me seem weak to him, given that he's engaged. I would love for him to know how I'm feeling or what I'm doing to heal, but I also don't think he cares if I'm healing or not. Any advice on this would be highly appreciated

 

I will definitely send the other letters though, as they are friends and family.

[SpecialJ]

Two things:

 

1. It's perfectly okay for you to write him a letter and never share it with him. Perhaps you can find another cathartic way to "send" it, like tear it into pieces and throw it into a river (though I'm not condoning littering ) or burning it or even posting it here. It's probably not appropriate anyway for you to go too deeply into this with him since he's engaged, although I assure you he's not madly in true love with her yet. It's still well into the honeymoon period, and if he really is deeply life long in love with her already, then he's very fickle and really can't think for himself at all. Which is still you dodging a bullet.

 

2. His mother thought you had too strong a personality? Guess what that means. She couldn't control you and didn't want to compete with you for control over him. She manipulated a wacky situation intended to cause you to fail (you didn't get married as soon as SHE said you should, so she withdrew her support -- just, no). If you can separate your feelings for him from this situation and just think realistically about how difficult a future would have honestly been with this man, maybe that would help you recognize that you just need more time for your emotions to catch up with your rational thoughts, and eventually you'll get over it and feel relief.

 

I really don't think this relationship didn't work because you didn't share your emotions enough with him. There was way more at play that was out of your control. I hope there's another way you can forgive yourself for that that doesn't involve contacting him. But I understand you feeling that way, because I've done the same for months. You need to get out of the circle of thinking if you said or did something differently, this would have turned out differently... I just don't believe that's true based on your posts.

 

The therapy and disconnecting from him are great steps, though. Keep up the good work!

Edited August 5, 2017 by SpecialJ

[mousse]

Hello,

 

I hope you're feeling better

 

I just want to say that I agree with a lot of the posters when they say that you shouldn't blame yourself for the break up. I think we all do at first, but with distance and time, you usually realize that it's more complicated than that and that a break up often happens because the relationship just wasn't strong enough to last.

 

Also, I think that no contact will help you a lot right now. It makes things easier and it will help you heal faster.

 

There are a lot of good free break up recovery guides on the Internet. Maybe you can read them for guidance... I think it's also good you're seeing a therapist. I know it helped me a lot after my last break up. Mostly, I would tell you to be very patient and easy on yourself, especially at first. The whole recovery process can be quite long, especially if it uncovered deep issues.

 

Be strong and hang in there. Things will get better with time, if you go nc and keep on working on yourself.

 

- Mousse

[KO123]

Two things:

 

1. It's perfectly okay for you to write him a letter and never share it with him. Perhaps you can find another cathartic way to "send" it, like tear it into pieces and throw it into a river (though I'm not condoning littering ) or burning it or even posting it here. It's probably not appropriate anyway for you to go too deeply into this with him since he's engaged, although I assure you he's not madly in true love with her yet. It's still well into the honeymoon period, and if he really is deeply life long in love with her already, then he's very fickle and really can't think for himself at all. Which is still you dodging a bullet.

 

2. His mother thought you had too strong a personality? Guess what that means. She couldn't control you and didn't want to compete with you for control over him. She manipulated a wacky situation intended to cause you to fail (you didn't get married as soon as SHE said you should, so she withdrew her support -- just, no). If you can separate your feelings for him from this situation and just think realistically about how difficult a future would have honestly been with this man, maybe that would help you recognize that you just need more time for your emotions to catch up with your rational thoughts, and eventually you'll get over it and feel relief.

 

I really don't think this relationship didn't work because you didn't share your emotions enough with him. There was way more at play that was out of your control. I hope there's another way you can forgive yourself for that that doesn't involve contacting him. But I understand you feeling that way, because I've done the same for months. You need to get out of the circle of thinking if you said or did something differently, this would have turned out differently... I just don't believe that's true based on your posts.

 

The therapy and disconnecting from him are great steps, though. Keep up the good work!

 

Thank you for your response. I know, from a logical point of view, I sound ridiculous. It's shocking to me, too, as I was always the 'logical' one. But, unfortunately, I cannot help but wonder whether this is how he really is or he's changed because I pushed him..? I know it's useless to wonder now, but I cannot stop. I've never been this person, who cries over "what should have been", I've always been sure that whatever decisions or actions I've made, weren't made recklessly - and whenever I felt that I had made a mistake, I always worked towards correcting it. However, this time it's different - I feel so helpless, alone and empty. I actually feel worse after speaking to my therapist.

[KO123]

Hello,

 

I hope you're feeling better

 

I just want to say that I agree with a lot of the posters when they say that you shouldn't blame yourself for the break up. I think we all do at first, but with distance and time, you usually realize that it's more complicated than that and that a break up often happens because the relationship just wasn't strong enough to last.

 

Also, I think that no contact will help you a lot right now. It makes things easier and it will help you heal faster.

 

There are a lot of good free break up recovery guides on the Internet. Maybe you can read them for guidance... I think it's also good you're seeing a therapist. I know it helped me a lot after my last break up. Mostly, I would tell you to be very patient and easy on yourself, especially at first. The whole recovery process can be quite long, especially if it uncovered deep issues.

 

Be strong and hang in there. Things will get better with time, if you go nc and keep on working on yourself.

 

- Mousse

 

Thank you for your response. I will definitely check those guides online, thank you

[SpecialJ]

It isn't uncommon to feel worse at first. It means you're addressing your discomfort. You should feel better as you process it -- though if you don't start feeling better after maybe 3 months with this therapist, I'd suggest looking for a new one. You don't sound ridiculous, you sound emotionally attached. And that's okay for right now, but I disagree with the therapist just to the extent that you should see if you can work through that without involving him further. He's causing your pain and isn't going to change (you also didn't change him), so the solution doesn't lie with him. He made his choices.

[KO123]

It isn't uncommon to feel worse at first. It means you're addressing your discomfort. You should feel better as you process it -- though if you don't start feeling better after maybe 3 months with this therapist, I'd suggest looking for a new one. You don't sound ridiculous, you sound emotionally attached. And that's okay for right now, but I disagree with the therapist just to the extent that you should see if you can work through that without involving him further. He's causing your pain and isn't going to change (you also didn't change him), so the solution doesn't lie with him. He made his choices.

 

Thank you for your response. I guess I'm just feeling regret because I had just realized that what I have gone through before having met him has affected me much more than I thought it did. I just wish I had paid more attention to the root cause of my fears sooner, maybe all this wouldn't have happened.

 

As for my therapist's advice, she believes that I might always blame myself for not opening up more if I don't send the letters (which scares me to be honest). When I told her I'm uncomfortable sending 'him' a letter, my reasons being: 1. He's engaged, so I don't want my intentions to be misunderstood. 2. I will end up sounding whiny and pathetic, which isn't attractive. 3. He probably doesn't even care if I'm healing or not, given that at this point, I don't think he's ever loved me. 4. It will sound like I'm acknowledging that what I have gone through destroyed our relationship, which isn't entirely true and still...I don't want to give him the relief of admitting that he can blame it all on me (although, I'm sure he's already doing that). I also, to be honest, cannot forgive him getting engaged to someone else...so quickly, and being so happy while I'm hurting. Her response was that I can send him the email and block the response - as it is not about him or about ever receiving a response from him and it's more about acknowledging that I'm on a journey to heal from all I've been through.

 

I'm still uncomfortable with the idea, so I didn't send him a letter. I'm almost done with all the other letters though, and I feel good about that. But, the guilt I have towards my failed relationship with him is ruining my life and I can't seem to make myself feel better...

Edited August 8, 2017 by KO123