My husband and road rage

[mrs rubble]

My ex husband never actually hit the guy, just threatened him and grabbed his shirt, I was only suggesting that if your husband had been overheard swearing and cursing by the people he was abusing he may land himself in the same sort of circumstance.

 

 

No I do not condone violence, and I'm really peeved that you are assuming that I do because I think your husband needs a wake up call. He is verbally abusive and your sons are exposed to it.

 

 

I left my husband because of his abuse, sure he was way more abusive than your husband is, but I did so to protect my children from the abuse, although it was too late the damage had been done and I had to deal with the fallout.

 

 

Good luck. I'm over and out of this now.

[PegNosePete]

You know, he doesn't drive unsafe himself. My issue isn't that I feel he's taking unacceptable risks as a result of his anger. He's not a loose cannon behind the wheel.

Don't you see the contradiction here? If he is taking unacceptable risks then he IS a loose cannon, and he DOES drive unsafe himself. It may be in response to other people's bad driving or whatever, but that is no excuse for HIM to take unacceptable risks.

 

What would you do if a taxi or Uber drive drove like him? Probably tell them to pull over immediately and make a very strong complaint to their company.

 

What would you do if a friend drove like this? Probably never accept a lift from that friend again.

 

But because it's your husband, you let him endanger your life and the lives of your kids...?

 

I have told him that his behaviour reduces my desire to go out on day trips

You should tell him that his behaviour is endangering your life and the lives of your children and you will not be putting yourself or your kids in that position any longer.

 

Next time he does it, tell him to pull over and get out. Call a cab or a friend or family to pick you up.

 

It might cause an argument or a fight or expense or waste time, but your LIFE is worth more than that.

 

Yesterday he tailgated, flashed and honked at the old people

Yes, I'm not sure why you're now changing your story, and diminishing his actions down to head shaking and finger pointing.

 

Did he tailgate, flash and honk at those old people, or not?

 

Tailgating and flashing and honking are very much doing things to someone else which could well one day elicit the kind of reaction mrs rubble describes, if he does it to the wrong person. I hope your kids aren't in the car when he tailgates, honks and flashes his lights at the wrong person. Or does he only bully old people in this way?

Edited July 25, 2017 by PegNosePete

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think your best bet is to address the issue while you are home with no plans to go anywhere. Sit him down and and frame it around the kids- you don't want them picking up on the anger and the bad language. Hopefully, he will be more amenable to modifying his behaivior then and the discussion will keep him in check somewhat when on the road.

 

I'd also stop handling his tickets for him. He needs to face the consequences of his issues or there is no incentive to change.

 

But it's a tough issue to address. I am not generally an angry person but get me stuck in traffic for more than 10 minutes and I fantasize about jumping out of my car and taking a bat to people's cars. I am ready to smash into another car rather than let a driver cut me off. Road rage is incredibly difficult to control. Despite my rage issues I am not even a speeder and consider myself a safe driver with zero tickets or accidents. It's just the out of control element that frazzles me.

 

What's helped me is needing to drive less often and reminding myself there's no point in getting bent out of shape. But, I actually want to work on my issue, and even then I'm only partially successful.

Edited July 25, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[Chardonnay Renée]

My ex husband never actually hit the guy, just threatened him and grabbed his shirt, I was only suggesting that if your husband had been overheard swearing and cursing by the people he was abusing he may land himself in the same sort of circumstance.

 

 

No I do not condone violence, and I'm really peeved that you are assuming that I do because I think your husband needs a wake up call. He is verbally abusive and your sons are exposed to it.

 

 

I left my husband because of his abuse, sure he was way more abusive than your husband is, but I did so to protect my children from the abuse, although it was too late the damage had been done and I had to deal with the fallout.

 

 

Good luck. I'm over and out of this now.

Look, I probably got a little too defensive and took what you said out of the context that you meant. I appreciate that what you said was not meant to be taken the way I took it.

 

I take back my comment questioning your morals. You're a stranger and I have too little facts to make a judgement call either way. So I apologise for that and say we should leave it there.

[anna121]

You're clearly getting defensive about some of the push back on your H. I'm a pretty impatient driver myself, so I get his irritation.

 

Basically this comes down to whether your H takes you seriously enough to moderate his behaviour. Based on past threads I'd say it doesn't look like it especially on something like this where he is likely to not see how it involves you. At that point, you will need to decide what your boundary is about driving with him. Other than that there is very little that you can do.

[mrs rubble]

Look, I probably got a little too defensive and took what you said out of the context that you meant. I appreciate that what you said was not meant to be taken the way I took it.

 

I take back my comment questioning your morals. You're a stranger and I have too little facts to make a judgement call either way. So I apologise for that and say we should leave it there.

 

Thank you for your apology. I apologise for my judgement of your morals, I understand why you did what you did, being heavily pregnant you needed a driver. I would also like to add that my ex is an Australian and he gave me **** for 3 speeding tickets I got driving his ute, I'd been clocked by the police over the limit yet the Speedo said I was doing the limit, he'd changed the wheels which threw the Speedo out, he only admitted to this when he got caught... however in NZ we don't get demerit points from speed cameras as they aren't good enough to ascertain who the driver is so you only get a fine unless you're caught on radar. I think Aussie should do the same!

Him also being an Australian makes me more aware of stereotypical Aussie male behaviour- which isn't helpful to anyone- kiwi blokes are fairly similar.

Again I wish you luck with this situation and I hope he comes to the realization that he could potentially be putting you, your son's and himself at risk a potentially dangerous situation.

[BettyDraper]

Find out what the root of your husband's anger is and go from there.

If it's arrogance which is often a mask for insecurity, then that is what he needs to work on in order to change his road rage.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Don't you see the contradiction here? If he is taking unacceptable risks then he IS a loose cannon, and he DOES drive unsafe himself. It may be in response to other people's bad driving or whatever, but that is no excuse for HIM to take unacceptable risks.

 

What would you do if a taxi or Uber drive drove like him? Probably tell them to pull over immediately and make a very strong complaint to their company.

 

What would you do if a friend drove like this? Probably never accept a lift from that friend again.

 

But because it's your husband, you let him endanger your life and the lives of your kids...?

 

 

You should tell him that his behaviour is endangering your life and the lives of your children and you will not be putting yourself or your kids in that position any longer.

 

Next time he does it, tell him to pull over and get out. Call a cab or a friend or family to pick you up.

 

It might cause an argument or a fight or expense or waste time, but your LIFE is worth more than that.

 

 

Yes, I'm not sure why you're now changing your story, and diminishing his actions down to head shaking and finger pointing.

 

Did he tailgate, flash and honk at those old people, or not?

 

Tailgating and flashing and honking are very much doing things to someone else which could well one day elicit the kind of reaction mrs rubble describes, if he does it to the wrong person. I hope your kids aren't in the car when he tailgates, honks and flashes his lights at the wrong person. Or does he only bully old people in this way?

 

There's no contradiction. I never said he was taking unacceptable risks. I've never felt he's taken unacceptable risks, hence it wasn't my issue that he was. That was all I was saying. Sorry if I worded it poorly.

 

My issue with him his swearing in front of the boys, as well as his boring ranting which make our otherwise peaceful weekend drive unharmonious. It seems that merely suggesting he not get so worked up had no effect on changing his behaviour.

 

Yes, my husband has done all the things I've mentioned previously. The important thing to remember is the context in which it was done.

 

Honking and flashing was in responseto the elderly gentleman repeatedly refusing to use the "slow vehicle turnout" lanes which are sparodically located for buses, trucks and slow vehicles to pull into to let faster traffic pass.

 

Tailgating happened as a result of the driver in front hitting their brakes way too early and washing off an unnecessary amount of speed going around corners. He was sometimes going 20 kph slower than the advisory speed warning signs suggested.

 

I will not defend my husband's driving insofar as I would condone that style of driving. I don't drive like he does, period. But I will defend his honour by ensuring that he's not demonised for and accused of being the only party at fault.

 

As for an Uber or taxi driver doing the same; theose drivers have a vested interest in the trip taking longer. There's no way they'd ever be in such a rush.

Edited July 25, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[Chardonnay Renée]

I think your best bet is to address the issue while you are home with no plans to go anywhere. Sit him down and and frame it around the kids- you don't want them picking up on the anger and the bad language. Hopefully, he will be more amenable to modifying his behaivior then and the discussion will keep him in check somewhat when on the road.

 

I'd also stop handling his tickets for him. He needs to face the consequences of his issues or there is no incentive to change.

 

But it's a tough issue to address. I am not generally an angry person but get me stuck in traffic for more than 10 minutes and I fantasize about jumping out of my car and taking a bat to people's cars. I am ready to smash into another car rather than let a driver cut me off. Road rage is incredibly difficult to control. Despite my rage issues I am not even a speeder and consider myself a safe driver with zero tickets or accidents. It's just the out of control element that frazzles me.

 

What's helped me is needing to drive less often and reminding myself there's no point in getting bent out of shape. But, I actually want to work on my issue, and even then I'm only partially successful.

You raise some good points. I have brought this up before when we haven't been driving. He told me that it's "easy for you to say, you don't commute in peak hour every single morning".

 

He has a point that his everyday dealings with the public to and from the city in peak traffic has a cumulative effect over time to the point where he's grown tired and frustrated with idiots on the road.

 

It still doesn't make his behaviour acceptable, even if it is somewhat understandable. I told him that I can empathise with his plight, but he needs to not get so angry in front of me and the kids.

 

He conceded that he has to change on many occasions, but when someone does something stupid and sets him off, we're back to square one.

 

I also won't take any more speeding fines for him. He knows that and won't ask again and also hasn't been caught speeding in over a year. He's taking ownership of his problems in that respect.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Thank you for your apology. I apologise for my judgement of your morals, I understand why you did what you did, being heavily pregnant you needed a driver. I would also like to add that my ex is an Australian and he gave me **** for 3 speeding tickets I got driving his ute, I'd been clocked by the police over the limit yet the Speedo said I was doing the limit, he'd changed the wheels which threw the Speedo out, he only admitted to this when he got caught... however in NZ we don't get demerit points from speed cameras as they aren't good enough to ascertain who the driver is so you only get a fine unless you're caught on radar. I think Aussie should do the same!

Him also being an Australian makes me more aware of stereotypical Aussie male behaviour- which isn't helpful to anyone- kiwi blokes are fairly similar.

Again I wish you luck with this situation and I hope he comes to the realization that he could potentially be putting you, your son's and himself at risk a potentially dangerous situation.

 

No, thank you. I was abrupt and too quick to mash the keys without thinking of a more measured response. I let my emotions get the better of me!

 

I agree the demerit point system has loopholes that are easily exploited. In Australia the fine is sent to the registered owner of the vehicle. Some cameras are starting to photograph drivers now, so that'll be interesting!

 

As for my husband; he's actually South African. He moved over 21 years ago with his parents at the age of 15. I'd say he's more Aussie than Saffer, but he still sounds more South African than Australian.

[PegNosePete]

Honking and flashing was in responseto the elderly gentleman repeatedly refusing to use the "slow vehicle turnout" lanes which are sparodically located for buses, trucks and slow vehicles to pull into to let faster traffic pass.

 

Tailgating happened as a result of the driver in front hitting their brakes way too early and washing off an unnecessary amount of speed going around corners. He was sometimes going 20 kph slower than the advisory speed warning signs suggested.

So he did drive dangerously and take unacceptable risks. You might not have used those words but you described exactly that. What if the driver in front had to stop in an emergency? No matter how good a racing driver he is, he would be too close to stop in time. That is DANGEROUS DRIVING by your husband. And I'll wager these 2 examples are far from isolated.

 

Yes those drivers may have been driving inconsiderately. Anyone would be annoyed and frustrated. I would probably flash my lights in those circumstance too. But when you have babies on board you DRIVE SAFELY no matter how inconsiderate other people / idiots are. No exceptions.

 

It still doesn't make his behaviour acceptable

So you agree it's unacceptable. What are you going to do about it? Talking to him doesn't seem to work. Time for action?

Edited July 26, 2017 by PegNosePete

[Chardonnay Renée]

Find out what the root of your husband's anger is and go from there.

If it's arrogance which is often a mask for insecurity, then that is what he needs to work on in order to change his road rage.

 

Oh hey, Betty!

 

My husband is an avid motorcyclist, and on more than one occasion when we've been out driving and someone has done something stupid he has stated: "if I was on my bike and that Muppet cut in front of me like that I'd be dead" .

 

I hate it when he rides that damn bike as so are so dangerous. It really is the other drivers you have to worry about, but he refuses to let bad drivers stop him from doing on of his favourite things. I suppose it's him thinking someone else's stupidity will end his life.

 

My husband is a bit arrogant but he's not masking any insecurities. He really has nothing to feel insecure about. He's a fast-paced individual who gets frustrated when people can't keep up with him. It's a bit of arrogance and a bit of hubris. But I love him all the same!

[Vyliss]

My husband's driving habits are a microcosm of the way he lives his life. He's a maximiser who strives to make every minute count. He hates wasting time and especially hates others holding him back.

 

My husband has been fined so many times it's not funny. I've even taken fines after signing a statutory declaration claiming to be the driver on one occasion just so he didn't lose his licence.

 

I'm glad that the course helped you. God, I could only imagine how my husband would respond if I suggested he did some online course to help him empathise with other drivers in the road!

 

Omg, this is so my husband to a T. lol He also has road rage but it's gotten a LOT better. He was doing the same thing your husband was, only not quite as bad. Still there were a few episodes where he went off so bad it scared the "crap" out of me. Never seen him explode so bad.

 

I really don't accept that kind of behaviour so after this happened a few times I gave him a stern word. And made a compromise. If we need to go somewhere together, I'm driving! lol

 

He's gotten a lot better now though, I have also tried to explain to him to practice EMPATHY. That the people who are bad drivers aren't doing it on purpose, they're just unaware of what they're doing.

 

So I would try you driving for a while until you can drill it in his head that his road rage is bad for you and your kids.

[knabe]

I hope this is on topic, but yesterday there were two cars - one in each lane - who were going just at and just under the speed limit, and neither would go ahead and pass the other. I was running late, and I almost lost my marbles....then I thought of this thread and decided not to have a cow. LOL

 

So maybe he can try to retrain his brain? My kids kept me nicer when they were young, but now that it's just me in the car, I yell a lot more.

[JuneL]

I find it amusing that your husband thinks other drivers are stupid and he's better just because he's an amateur racer. One of the key to driving on the roads is harmony: you have to drive in the optimal way taking into account the behaviors of other drivers or the flow of traffic around you. The fact is, your husband is the one who has gotten so many tickets that he had to ask his wife to claim some of his tickets, whereas most other drivers haven't gotten nearly as many tickets.

[BettyDraper]

Oh hey, Betty!

 

My husband is an avid motorcyclist, and on more than one occasion when we've been out driving and someone has done something stupid he has stated: "if I was on my bike and that Muppet cut in front of me like that I'd be dead" .

 

I hate it when he rides that damn bike as so are so dangerous. It really is the other drivers you have to worry about, but he refuses to let bad drivers stop him from doing on of his favourite things. I suppose it's him thinking someone else's stupidity will end his life.

 

My husband is a bit arrogant but he's not masking any insecurities. He really has nothing to feel insecure about. He's a fast-paced individual who gets frustrated when people can't keep up with him. It's a bit of arrogance and a bit of hubris. But I love him all the same!

 

Hey hon! Nice to speak with another housewife on LS.

 

You know your husband best. If you say he has no reason to be insecure then I believe you. However, those who are truly secure in themselves have no reason to be arrogant.

 

Humility is a sign of confidence. The problem with arrogance and hubris is that life eventually knocks us down a peg when we relate to others that way.

[Steve51]

I legally carry a gun. If your husband threaten me, it would be the last thing he did. There are millions of others, men and women who carry guns. The fact that I carry a gun makes me avoid any hint of road rage. Too risky, so I just do not let bad drivers affect me. Plus the other guy or gal may also have a gun. Too risky for road rage these days. Almost weekly I read about road rage incidents that end tragically. Often the last words of the enraged guy is "So what if you have a gun, you will not shoot me." They were wrong but too dead to know that.

 

Talk to him and suggest anger management classes. I am mellow and nothing bothers me. I will curse out someone in my car, but that is it. Confronting someone accomplishes nothing but putting my life in danger.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I legally carry a gun. If your husband threaten me, it would be the last thing he did. There are millions of others, men and women who carry guns. The fact that I carry a gun makes me avoid any hint of road rage. Too risky, so I just do not let bad drivers affect me. Plus the other guy or gal may also have a gun. Too risky for road rage these days. Almost weekly I read about road rage incidents that end tragically. Often the last words of the enraged guy is "So what if you have a gun, you will not shoot me." They were wrong but too dead to know that.

 

Talk to him and suggest anger management classes. I am mellow and nothing bothers me. I will curse out someone in my car, but that is it. Confronting someone accomplishes nothing but putting my life in danger.

 

Well, thankfully in Australia we have gun laws, so it would be highly unlikely to encounter a normal, everyday citizen carrying one around.

 

The less I say about America's gun laws the better. I don't want to start a political debate by setting off Liberals and Conservatives against one another.

 

I just want to reiterate, too, that my husband, to the best of my knowledge, has never gotten out of his car and started trouble. He just rants inside his car.

[basil67]

I find it amusing that your husband thinks other drivers are stupid and he's better just because he's an amateur racer. One of the key to driving on the roads is harmony: you have to drive in the optimal way taking into account the behaviors of other drivers or the flow of traffic around you. The fact is, your husband is the one who has gotten so many tickets that he had to ask his wife to claim some of his tickets, whereas most other drivers haven't gotten nearly as many tickets.

 

This ^

 

One of the best lessons is to be calm, patient and predictable to other drivers. Some of the drivers who duck between lanes all the time trying to get ahead - often with no indicators - they create a huge risk on the road.

 

And yes, I would agree that the person with the least amount of tickets is the better driver. For starters, it's an indication that they respect the road rules.

[PegNosePete]

Well, thankfully in Australia we have gun laws, so it would be highly unlikely to encounter a normal, everyday citizen carrying one around.

Well yes. It's the abnormal, non-everyday citizens you want to worry about.

 

When I was at university someone in my college almost got run over by a speeding car on a zebra crossing. He shouted some kind of abuse at the car. The driver slammed his brakes on, reversed 100 metres back up the road, wound down the window and stuck a gun in his face.

 

This is in the UK, in Oxford city centre.

 

I just want to reiterate, too, that my husband, to the best of my knowledge, has never gotten out of his car and started trouble. He just rants inside his car.

He doesn't just rant inside his car. He flashes his lights, honks his horn, tail-gates, shakes his head, and points his finger at his head to indicate stupidity.

 

He might not "start trouble" (unless you call the above behaviours starting trouble), but you know absolutely nothing about the other guy. For all you know he just got out of prison, is high on amphetamines, and has a sawn off shotgun on his passenger seat. And it's YOUR kids sitting in the back seat.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Well yes. It's the abnormal, non-everyday citizens you want to worry about.

 

When I was at university someone in my college almost got run over by a speeding car on a zebra crossing. He shouted some kind of abuse at the car. The driver slammed his brakes on, reversed 100 metres back up the road, wound down the window and stuck a gun in his face.

 

This is in the UK, in Oxford city centre.

 

 

He doesn't just rant inside his car. He flashes his lights, honks his horn, tail-gates, shakes his head, and points his finger at his head to indicate stupidity.

 

He might not "start trouble" (unless you call the above behaviours starting trouble), but you know absolutely nothing about the other guy. For all you know he just got out of prison, is high on amphetamines, and has a sawn off shotgun on his passenger seat. And it's YOUR kids sitting in the back seat.

 

Okay Pete. You've had your say. While I don't entirely disagree with everything you've raised, you're coming across as little hysterical.

 

If you live your life in the UK or Australia worrying about whether you'll cross paths with someone with a gun then I'd say you're suffering from neurosis.

 

And for the record, I spoke to my husband again last night and told him that his overall driving behaviour is poor and that I will drive or refuse to go if he doesn't pull his head in.

 

He grunted and when I raised my eyebrow at him, he said "noted". I reiterated just how serious I was and he said "yeah, yeah... fair enough". Time will tell, I guess.

[hammyy2k]

sorry but i dont agree with you,

 

my opinion is that you yourself are creating idiotic mistakes to damage your marriage based on very trivial and ignorable issues and i really find it surprising that may posters also agreeing.

 

to threaten your husband for not going with him is very childish, its more like patronizing, you could have dealt with this little issue in a better way.

 

a person cannot be perfect everybody has a short coming, talking about somebody bad driving is not a bad thing, a lot of people do that i have also experiened it, its a no big deal

 

getting fines is although an issue which should be addressed because it clearly means your husband is not following traffic rules and wasitng money because of it.

 

he is not abusing his children, he is not making any negative impression on his children either

 

you are simply overreacting

 

you may annoy him in thousand possible ways but i dont think he wants to jeopardize his marriage on such trivial issues

 

i would suggest you to alteast see a therapist before you make things worse in your marriage.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Wow. I'm absolutely copping it from both sides at the moment! Damned if you do and damned if you don't!

 

I'm a fan of people calling it as they see it. I'm a big girl and can handle strong opinions - I think many here are very reactionary, though.

 

Hammy2k: How am I "jeopardising" my marriage? I have the right to tell my husband that his behaviour makes me feel very uncomfortable.

 

My husband is a good man who is intense, but no person is beyond reproach. Swearing and carrying on in front of the kids is not appropriate in any circumstances.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Hey hon! Nice to speak with another housewife on LS.

 

You know your husband best. If you say he has no reason to be insecure then I believe you. However, those who are truly secure in themselves have no reason to be arrogant.

 

Humility is a sign of confidence. The problem with arrogance and hubris is that life eventually knocks us down a peg when we relate to others that way.

 

Oh, I agree with you on all counts here. The thing is, my husband doesn't see himself as being arrogant. He just sees himself and being himself. It's others, including sometimes me, who'll accuse him of being arrogant.

 

My husband backs himself and doesn't generally feel as though he needs to listen to others all that much. He has the runs on the board when it comes to succeeding at life, so in that respect I guess he doesn't see the need to take notice of others.

 

Don't get me wrong; there are times - many times in fact - when my husband absolutely does my head in. He can be pig-headed, stubborn and just won't listen when he thinks he's right.

 

For the most part, I can't really complain though. He's a fantastic all-round guy who is loyal to his close friends and family. He treats his employees well, even if he expects a lot from them.

 

Apart from the on-again off-again consistency in how he manages his mother (you know what I mean), I haven't too much to worry about. But I don't like him swearing in front of our boys. I don't want them seeing ranting as acceptable behaviour.

 

We're heading off again today. It's another reasonable Winter's day in my locality of down under, so we're going to make the most of it. Am I tempting fate by "letting" him drive again? LOL, who knows?

[BettyDraper]

Oh, I agree with you on all counts here. The thing is, my husband doesn't see himself as being arrogant. He just sees himself and being himself. It's others, including sometimes me, who'll accuse him of being arrogant.

 

My husband backs himself and doesn't generally feel as though he needs to listen to others all that much. He has the runs on the board when it comes to succeeding at life, so in that respect I guess he doesn't see the need to take notice of others.

 

Don't get me wrong; there are times - many times in fact - when my husband absolutely does my head in. He can be pig-headed, stubborn and just won't listen when he thinks he's right.

 

For the most part, I can't really complain though. He's a fantastic all-round guy who is loyal to his close friends and family. He treats his employees well, even if he expects a lot from them.

 

Apart from the on-again off-again consistency in how he manages his mother (you know what I mean), I haven't too much to worry about. But I don't like him swearing in front of our boys. I don't want them seeing ranting as acceptable behaviour.

 

We're heading off again today. It's another reasonable Winter's day in my locality of down under, so we're going to make the most of it. Am I tempting fate by "letting" him drive again? LOL, who knows?

 

I hope he's continuing to manage his mother well. Based on what you have shared about your MIL, I wonder if your husband's arrogance was modelled to him growing up.

 

People should not swear in the presence of children. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I'm glad you're letting your husband know what you will not tolerate.

 

I hope you have a nice drive!