beverly Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 i have been seperated from my husband now for just over 2 mths , the other week things got so bad in my head that i tried to kill my self , with the support of friends and relations and ppl i talk to a chat site i am finally comming to terms that my marriage will never be repaired and that i need to move on , i have allready started divorce percidings and have paper waiting to sign i was tyrying to decide what to do with this paper work because ppl keep telling me that his new gf wont want him for long , and that he will come crawlling back this is what happened the other week but she wanted to remain friends , i couldnot sit by and have a relationship with this man while he remained friends with the female that split us up and he had a sexual relationship with after he left me, thats why my head couldnt take all the preasure , but before i got home from the hosp that day he had started a relationship with her again and told everyone that i didnt even do anything, so double betrayel . on top of this new gf lives next door to me and his family are still talking to me so when i see any of them they just talk abou how wrong this all is and he will be back , it hurts that he hates me for trying to kill myself and for upsetting him and the children this was not my intention at the time i was being ruled by those overpowering thoughts in my head, hopefully he will understand this in the future and the maybe we could be frwiends but doesnt matter how much i love him or how sorry he is i can not see there ever being a us in the future , Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 beverly, thanks for being so candid in your post. you sound like you are a very strong woman who doesnt realize her own strength. you have been under incredible pressure and through quite a bit of pain. in those moments i know how difficult it is to see anything positive, but the fact that you are willing to ask for help and open yourself up to others is a testament to your character. as far as your husband being angry with you, that sounds like his own guilt talking ... its easier to direct his anger at you than where it belongs- at himself. right now you need not care about anyone else's feelings, but yours. you need to be completely selfish right now and help yourself. if you dont, and you continue to worry aobut other people and their feelings and their lives, you are only going end up carrying weight that is not yours to carry (and that will drag you down). i wish i had some stellar advice for you ... but what i can tell you that the best way out is alway through, which is just what you seem to be working on .... just remember, you're stronger than you think. keep your head up. Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 10, 2005 Share Posted August 10, 2005 thank you for your reply country gal i spent today doing for myself, ex was asked to give me 2 days notice when he could have the children because of his shifts, we agreed on 2 days a week but since the dreaded day ex wont communicate with me, so i have asked via solicitor if he tells me when and how long for he has children, today would normally have been one of the days but he had the letter on Saturday so no excuses, nobody had contacted me to ask or tell me when he wanted the children so instead of sitting around waiting i took them both and 2 friends out , and had a good time when we got back children did what all children do and went and played so as ex was in he still had time to contact me but didn't until i spoke to him when he made some comment about the arangments for children so i said i had a copy of letter and if he got legal repsentation he would understand werwe i was comming from, so today for the first time i stood my ground and didnt let him get away with how he was dealing with his priorities next will be payments asked to have direct debit set up as then i would not have to beg for the money and wont have to have contact with him, he gets paid on fridays but instead of getting the money to me as soon as possible i normally have to wait untill after 6ish , i have also decided to keep alog of some of the things that are said or done. Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Good for you Beverly! With each of these steps, you make yourself stronger ... and happier (although it may not always be apparent). I think you're handling things really well. Avoiding contact (and also conflict) wiht him is a good idea for you both ... the log is also a VERY good idea. Its a bummer that sometimes things have to happen this way but you're doing well and just keep going with it ... sooner or later you'll find your way into the clear. ps. whenever he does something to anger you/frustrate you ... just remember that to be angry is to punish yourself for his faults - let HIM own those faults! Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 thanks again things do anger me in away they shouldnt ex made contact via pieces of paper through the letter box asking to take son out on sat eve but not daughter no explaniations as to why only the son but i presumb that it is either down to room in car or that it is something that she wouldnt like , i didnt lower my self to ask but did inquire wat time he would be back because im working and he needs meds to help him sleep as he doesnt sleep well , he responed with dont now wat time event finishes so give him med before he goes or send it with him to take while he is out, but he aparantly discussed this with daughter when he seen her ,son doesnt now were he is going when daughter went to tell him i asked her not to talk about it because i didnt want to now , this is so petty of them wat is wrong with them they are the ones that started this relationship next door to me and his kids, doesnt either of them think how this effects the children , when they play in the street it feels like im being watched so i dont know wat im meant to do lucky he only gets 2 days of a week and is home after 4 on workdays , it is so draining to stop the kids saying dad this dad that and on top of all this my oldest daughter has learning dificultuies has this obsession of wanting to vist this female which has been going on for years i allow her to vist but gives her time limit and if she is late back i ground her but she constantly goes on about her all the time. sorry to sound if i moaning , i would like to use my anger more constructively but dont know how to so children end up seeing me angry then crying this isnt good for anybody especially as i feel like im being watched, going to work tonight hope they all behave and it will help me get thruogh tomorrow nowing he is at work out of my way. Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 gosh, your stress is so apparent right now. i cant even imagine. my good friend is giong through a similar thing too and struggling as well. i think you need to do two major things right now .... one is do not isolate yourself. you need some support in the form of friends, family, and/or counseling. there is no sense keeping this all in and trying to do it all on your own. everyone needs a hand every now and again. the second thing is to give yourself permission to be sad - and angry. you have every right to be both .... so forget about what anyone else thinks and forget about other people paying attention to what you are doing .... you take care of YOU and do what you need to. when it comes to your kids, giving into your emotions gets a little trickier, however, i do think that kids are much smarter and resilient than we give them credit for. just be there for them to meet their physical and emotional needs (doing step one will help you with the emotional part) and they'll make it through this too. also, finding a better outlet for your anger is good idea, because these little things are going to continue to grate on you ... it could be anything that makes you feel good really. running helps me. one day at a time, Beverly ..... and keep venting! Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 im very glad you replied country gal i am not alone i have very good friends and relations and also this wonderfull site and a group of ppl i talk to on a chat site i havedone 4 sesions out of 6 for councilling and it is going well we are working on loss , as she puts losing my husband this way is simieler as when i lost my dad and then my brother, but even further back losing my mother at a very young age i hope it will help sorting things like that out, and make this better person , im allways ready to help other ppl but some dont repay in the same way and to my disadvantage this one person had all our time when 2 of her relationships went wrong and look what i ended up with the better deal as she got the ex who would have gone one day as he was such an easy target and this one less neady friend draining my energy, now i know who my real friends are and i value there friendship more and my children in there own way will decide for themselves wat the right way to behave and a lesson for them when they have relationships and familys, thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 well, beverly, i think you are doing great. you're definately on the right track and have taken control of your life, so keep your head high. on a side note, i keep a small book of quotes and pictures that i collected through the years that make me smile and help me through difficult times ... it always picks me up. but i thought i'd share one that is definately a favorite: "in life just remember, when driving at night you can see no further than your headlights... but you make the whole trip that way." keep posting! (fyi: i dont have computer access on the weekends usually so i'll be out of contact for a bit) Link to post Share on other sites
manoffaith Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 Beverly you are in my prayers. I will pray that God will be with you through this stressful time. I cant imagine the pain your going through. But God does. In life we all go through trials of many types and while we go through them it doesnt look like joy or happiness or peace. Ive been through the fire myself, but when I turned my eyes upon the creator of life and put my faith in him he flipped my trials around for Joy. So may God be with you and i will truly pray for you and your husband. God bless Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 thank you for putting me in your prayers i wouldnt have my husband back in the sense of husband ever again as i am not putting myself and my children through the pain we have been through in the past 6mths hes planning a future with this woman booked a family holiday with her and her family talked about getting engaged in front of my daughter , see what they are like it aint woth the pain im better of on my own i have the house and the children i learnt from my experince of trying to take my life and why should i let them ruin the childrens lives by messing with my head, i will get used to them going of for vists with him and her they allways come back to me , and im the one who will go to there parents evenings at school im the one who will be there when they are ill when they come home from school with exciting news im the one who will now first , he took him self away from these things not my fault ,she cant have children so i have something of his she never will i no im not on the right forum but my second chance is of life with my family and learning to be strong and only depend on myself thank you all who gives me there strength you all have helped tremendiuosly i used a diferent name origanly but im safe sticking to this name . Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Beverly, that must be very tough to have that constant reminder of this other woman who has entered into the lives of you and your family, but i think you have a good attitude about it. you are blessed to be the one who sees your kids grow and change every day of their lives. you are the one they will always know as their caretaker and their homebase. there is so much to be said for that. anger fades ... and anger is energy that could be more useful someplace else in your life! Link to post Share on other sites
EvilChicobo Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Not meaning to sound rude or anything, but please try to post according to topic in this case, this thread is about why do young girls act the way they do and dump the good guys they already have. I know you're having problems with your marriage but that is most likely off topic and should deserve it's own thread. So, just thought I'd point that out and perhaps we can get back on topic here Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 I apologize, EvilChicobo, but the topic was second chances and seeing no future. My seeing no future was me trying to kill myself and my second chance was not succeeding, so I could sort myself out. I'm not having problems in my marriage, as my marriage is over. I'm sorry if somehow you thought this was about young girls. Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 Evilchicabo, this site is about offering advice and support to those in need. each of us has the right to discuss what we need to discuss (regardless if you feel its in the proper category) without people trying to push others aside. in short, if you dont have anything constructive to add or dont like the topic of this thread, then keep moving. Link to post Share on other sites
EvilChicobo Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Eesh.. I'm sorry Bev, I think I'm the one who made the boo boo ^^; I thought you had posted in someone elses topic but I guess I miss clicked along the way some where ^^ I really am sorry about that. But Country girl I wasn't attacking her : ) so I would appreciate it that you wouldn't try to force a fight. When I initially posted I thought I did it politely, not trying to be harsh. I was not throwing stones at Bev =p Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 thanks for the apoligy EvilChicobo country gal i knew this day would come when he would make contact again, but i have refused to even consider the pair of us getting back togeather , im hopping im strong enougth to stay on the outside and just be another friend and just that i am that sort of person who can stay friends i dont hold grudges what was done was done im doing for myself as well because if i stop that i think thats how i will not be strong enough to stay on the outside , today he doesnt know wat happing between him and gf they fell out over some issues and i was able to talk to him as a friend but as we all live very close to each other i have refused to see him in my house i said he could see kids in my house when im not there, but any contact we have has to nutral ground, my safety zone Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 no prob evilchicabo .... wasnt trying to pick a fight, just sticking up for others Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 beverly, the safety zone is a good plan for you. you both will eventually have to learn to communicate with each other again in this new context ... but i would let that go slowly and let it take its course. also, as far as him talking to you about his current gf, i think taht is very disrespectful of him and despite not having a grudge, i would still point that out to him. he needs to understand that your new relationship with eachother is going to require a new set of boundaries that doesnt need to include more than passing information about this lady .... that will help keep you on the outside as well. you are strong enough! like i said before, i dont think you know your own strength! Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 as she lives next door i know to much so i rather here his version they r sorting it out when i last spoke to him he spent a bit more time with kids so us talking might of worked , couse they need to see him as he is on his own couse explained new relatonships are not best thing for kids to be watching, went out for lunch with friends so i am trying to keep a busy but doing things that i havent done in a while got to start going out and having fun with my kids and on my own going to be hard most of ppl i know are couples but going to try, Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 why not round of the ladies from these couples for a woman's night (night out or night in, you choose!) .... could be fun, if nothing else! Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Thought of that, also going to do family bbq on the moors with some friends. That way it doesn't feel like I'm being watched (which I am ex told me most probably is insecure.) Here is a twist to my story. My oldest daughter is 21, but mental age, who knows? She has learning difficulties and behavioural problems. She has always had fixation about different adults, mainly women. Yes, I bet you have guessed she has prob about this female next door. We tried to cut it back, but she always wants to see her. She doesn't understand that it isn't nice that this woman is having a relationship with her step father, and that it adds to my stress because she always plays up before she goes in there and when she comes out. I have tried to limit her to once a day, as she would go in there all the time before she went out when she comes home before she would go to bed. So now I only let her go in for a certain amount of time and if she plays up, I ground her. But this doesn't stop her from playing up. Tonight she thought it was funny to scream at me in the street, to move my car because ex's GF wanted to get her car out (normally avoid putting my car in her way so I don't have to move it for her, but was going out again) told her to talk to me properly. When she came home from youth club, I tried to explain that I didn't like her behaviour and we ended up arguing, which I guess means the GF is winning, because she is still causing me problems. Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 having some contact with ex at moment seems ok as long as i keep it in context of only friends as long as i keep that in mind i am ok, speaks to me a lot at moment as some of the problems i have are still conected to him and its nice to be able to discuss them, we do have children and if we can remain civil and sort of friendly isnt that better for the children Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Beverly, I'm just getting caught up ... but first things first. this other woman isnt "winning" in any way, unless you decide to look at it that way. in other words, the situation is what you make it out to be .... so if you make it out to be simply that your daughter enjoys this woman and that doesnt make you any less of a mom or a woman, then you'll be a much happier person. there's no need to completely separate your daughter with this person considering her situation .... and although its difficult, theres no need to compare yourself to her either (but if and when you do, be sure to remember that she has major flaws like the rest of us!) i do agree with you that your daughter needs some boundaries with her, however, in terms of how often she sees her and whatnot. its definately a good thing to be civil and friendly with your ex. however, remember your wounds are still pretty fresh so be careful of what your intentions are in your exchanges .... you dont want to hang onto the past or to your connection with him, taht will only cause more pain for you in the long run. you still need separation time to re-explore yourself as well as time to reshape your relationship with him. im not discouraging anything, i'm just pointing out that you are still unsettled emotionally and during this time you need to tread lightly around him.... at least until you are on solid ground. and no worries, it'll come sooner than you think, just take it one day at a time! remind yourself that you are an incredible woman who really does not need this man for anythign more than his support of your children.... and i dont mean that to be blunt or mean or even to jsut make you feel better. i say it because its the truth. until next time.... Link to post Share on other sites
beverly Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 i try to set boundaries but daughter seems to push them a lot, and always seems to come back home in a argumentive mood, i also try to let these vists take place when ex is there as this female might just set daughter up to wind me up as this is how she gets at me , back in the begining she sent me a text telling me the more me and ex fell out tje closer she became to him as he needed her support , but know i try my best not to get upset about things i used to have a go at him if the way things were done wasnt right but not having a go at him works more to my advantage Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Beverly, I meant to ask you.... it sounds as though you are from England or somewhere in the UK, is that right? just curious as I lived in Lancaster for about 7 months a few years ago for school. Anyway, try not to assume anything about another persons behavior, as hard as it sounds. it'll only cause you grief b/c if she is not instigating your daughter then you are angering yourself over nothing and if she is instigating, there's not a whole lot you can do about it besides continue to be the better person. But as far as your daughters behavior when she comes home, just continue to put your foot down about what time you want her back and all that ...and then after you've made your point, just drop the subject. your daughter will likely continue to moan about it and what you can do is just ignore any reference to this woman, her house, or your daughter visiting. dont ignore your daughter, just ignore the acting out and whining (only respond to conversation and requests that are not related to that subject - and do so until she stops). after some time and practicing this technique for a few days or so, it should decrease the amount of whining and that. (counselors and nannies use this type of intervention all the time). its about you re-establishing your authority and about decreasing her negative behaviors. One last thing... dont worry about him or having a go at him and dont worry about her and her text messaging.... just take care of you!! Link to post Share on other sites
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