BluesPower Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Just for the sake of it... Has this blown up in your sisters face yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted August 20, 2017 Author Share Posted August 20, 2017 No .... but I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that it is about to ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) [backstory] So my sister left her husband for a married man who also left his wife for her He has told his wife he has met someone else but my sister has said she left as her husband guessed something was amiss and kicked off so she used that as her reason for leaving - I have told her all along how I think this is all wrong and she should be honest Her STBX has paid for her to move into an apartment and gives her money weekly while her married lover stays there most weekends unknown to her STBX or kids Its all awful to witness and I wish I never knew about any of it to be honest and I have told her this but this weekend was the cherry on the cake It was her birthday and I arranged a night out, booked a table and invited her friends and her adult daughter was there who has no clue she is seeing someone new ... We had a lovely night until we went into the pub and the lover was sat at the bar!!!! Her daughter was stood next to him at one point and It make my skin crawl I had a go at her and she told me if I don't like it I can leave!! Which I did but before I did I went up to him and had a go at him for being there I am beyond fuming, hurt and upset and just cannot deal with this anymore - She has become a selfish self centered person who I do not respect anymore and that is hard as she is my older sister and I had the most respect for her all my life. I have told her how horrible this was and she said she realised what a bad idea it was but the fact that she even did that repulses me and I do not know what to do Edited August 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit title for clarity, add link to history, move to Family forum Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Her adult daughter is your niece - tell her "that guy you hung out next to at the pub is my sisters lover she left your dad for". Your niece is YOUR family and she is adult - you owe her the truth even if her own mom does not. If your neice was like 10 years old - I would not say anything but she is an adult now. See your niece will find out - and she will loose trust and respect in both of you for letting her hang out with that cheating guy... unknowing. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Your niece's Dad needs to be advised to get tested for STD's. Link to post Share on other sites
somuchfortheone Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Her adult daughter is your niece - tell her "that guy you hung out next to at the pub is my sisters lover she left your dad for". Your niece is YOUR family and she is adult - you owe her the truth even if her own mom does not. If your neice was like 10 years old - I would not say anything but she is an adult now. See your niece will find out - and she will loose trust and respect in both of you for letting her hang out with that cheating guy... unknowing. I wouldn't do that. ^^^ I would stay out of it. You've warned her...that's really all you can do. It's not your place to get involved any further. Trust me, she's in too deep at this point, the only one getting her out of this mess is herself or the MM leaving her (which is likely). Crap always floats. You can't live two lives for too long. When all of this hits the fan, she'll remember you were there for her and told her the hard truth that she didn't want to hear. If you get further involved...fight with the OM...or get her family involved...she'll resent you down the road. It's sad, but you just have to wait for the train wreck at this point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 How does sister know that her boyfriend has in fact told his wife and is really planning on leaving his wife to... What??? Get married to your sister? I wonder if your sister's boyfriend is playing her. Link to post Share on other sites
ztmymmy Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Stop participating in this charade unless you want to get dragged down with your sister when it explodes in her face. Show some loyalty to your niece and the rest of your family.It's not just your sister and you against the world. Her adult daughter is your niece - tell her "that guy you hung out next to at the pub is my sisters lover she left your dad for". Your niece is YOUR family and she is adult - you owe her the truth even if her own mom does not. If your neice was like 10 years old - I would not say anything but she is an adult now. See your niece will find out - and she will loose trust and respect in both of you for letting her hang out with that cheating guy... unknowing. I agree with this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Stop participating in this charade unless you want to get dragged down with your sister when it explodes in her face. Show some loyalty to your niece and the rest of your family.It's not just your sister and you against the world. I agree with this. As I recall... You have another thread on this. This has been playing out for a long time now. You have been watching and listening to your sister as she has slowly traveled down this path. It sounds like the truth will eventually be found out by all. This probably won't remain a secret, it isn't going away on it's own. Once your niece figures it out on her own, it will slowly filter out to the rest of the family... Or your soon to be ex brother in law will figure it out or someone will tell him... Then... He will probably let a few other family members know...Then... Well... Eventually everyone will figure out that you knew about it for a long time and said nothing as your sister destroyed her marriage and her husbands reputation with the rest of the family with lies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 This problem is keeping me awake at night Telling her husband is not an option ... I need to work out how to deal with her and how I can stop feeling the repercussions of HER actions I am disgusted in her actions but honestly I cannot tell my BIL ... I really appreciate everything everyone's input tho and I know you are right but I can't Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) My best friend had an affair and left her husband. Now, she wasn't as rude and disrespectful as your sister, but I still very much disagreed with her decision. We didn't speak as often for the longest time. When I did speak to her, we spoke only about her work and her kids... nothing about this man or the affair. With time, she has sorted her affairs out and I've seen her a few times with this other guy. He's nice, they seem happy, and the kids have adjusted. We are still good friends, but our relationship is not as close. It broke my heart to watch her husband deal with the aftermath and the loss of his marriage. We all grieved. We maintain contact - sending the occasional message through Facebook. He was like family to me, but he has moved on and found someone else. I'm glad he is happy again. My point is, it's her life and her decision. It's her responsibility to deal with her husband and her child. You really need to take a big step back and establish some healthy boundaries - for YOU. If that means that you don't see her or talk with her for a while, so be it. She will do what she wants to do... And she will deal with the consequences of her decisions. Edited August 29, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) This problem is keeping me awake at night Telling her husband is not an option ... I need to work out how to deal with her and how I can stop feeling the repercussions of HER actions I am disgusted in her actions but honestly I cannot tell my BIL ... I really appreciate everything everyone's input tho and I know you are right but I can't I would not tell my BIL either. Sorry to be blunt but he is not "blood". Your adult niece is your Blood and now she is hanging out or running into this guy her mom cheated with on her dad - probably being nice and smiling without a clue who this guy is. Tell the niece and she can tell her dad if she wants (she will) so that gets done as well. Care for your family when others dont. P.S. I apologies a little as this hits a trigger for me - my wife (then engaged) let me hang out at a bar with her and the MM she had been with for three years before me - and was still secretly having an emotional connection with. I had no clue and just figured he was a casual friend of hers and I was happy to meet her friends. Everyone standing around me knew who was who and what was what - except me - smiling and sharing a beer with this guy. Grrrrrr ! Edited August 29, 2017 by dichotomy 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) I would not tell my BIL either. Sorry to be blunt but he is not "blood". Your adult niece is your Blood and now she is hanging out or running into this guy her mom cheated with on her dad - probably being nice and smiling without a clue who this guy is. Tell the niece and she can tell her dad if she wants (she will) so that gets done as well. I wouldn't tell the niece. This is between the mother and the daughter. Her mother is already demonstrating astonishingly selfish behavior, bad judgment, and complete disrespect for boundaries or the feelings of others, so I don't think it will be long before her daughter learns the truth. And when she does, your niece will be very hurt and she will need some support as she processes the situation. She may well come to you for some love and support which you can offer. But, I would be very careful about getting involved in this mother-daughter relationship. Boundaries, you need to establish and keep some healthy boundaries. Edited August 29, 2017 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 When BIL and niece find out what's going on, and they most likely will sooner or later don't be surprised when they realize you knew, didn't say anything, and will probably be pissed at you as well. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Based on your other thread, you refuse to be honest with the victims of this charade, so you kinda made your own bed. Either do the right thing or stay out of it, but the fact that you are obsessing is your own doing, TBH. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) Based on your other thread, you refuse to be honest with the victims of this charade, so you kinda made your own bed. Either do the right thing or stay out of it, but the fact that you are obsessing is your own doing, TBH. I know what you are saying but I really cannot tell even if deep down all I want is the truth out and to be able to breathe I really do not condone this in any way I just can't tell my BIL as I do not know what the outcome could be plus she is my sister and even though her decisions lately are awful they are her decisions to make I am just really struggling with my feelings in it, my total loss of respect for her and my fears of when this is out in the open Edited August 29, 2017 by Lishy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Plus whenever I get upset about it she tells me I am judgemental Link to post Share on other sites
Steve51 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 So did mine. Maybe we have the same sister? The only difference is that a few months after doing this, my sister's new man had a stroke and now she is taking care of him for life. The irony is that my sister is much younger than her ex husband. The age difference only became an issue later in life as he was an old man and she was still young and vibrant. She divorced her ex because she wanted to go out every weekend and take trips. Now she sits home taking care of her new husband and our dad who is 90 and our mother who is 88. Not what she expected. Karma can bite you in the butt at times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whitenblack Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) I was in your niece's shoes about 12 years ago, except I was still a teenager. My mother was having an affair with her boss (OM), and hid it from my father. The OM also had his own family, wife and 2 kids. My mother went on many outings with the OM, and took me with her. She played it off as if he was just a friend, even though they would do some mushy things together. I was still young, and fully trusted my mother. When my mother divorced, and the OM divorced their families, everything blew open. I saw the truth, and it hit me like a train. I loved my family, and it all went to hell. Watching my father break down in the aftermath is indescribable. I resented my mother for all the lies for years afterwards. Today, we hardly meet up or speak outside of necessary things. If someone could have told me the truth or at least hinted it to me at the beginning, even if it was my aunt, I would have had so much respect for them. And despite how it would have went down after, my mother's lies would have stopped. I wouldn't see her as a deceitful person, and our relationship would be way better in present day. My point is, find a way to let your niece know. Even just hinting it to her. She is an adult, and will be able to put the pieces together. I read your back story, and know you are worried about how your family will look at you after everything blows over. This can be a solution to that. Edited August 29, 2017 by Whitenblack 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Whatnotagain Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 When your niece finds out, and she will, she is going to view you as someone who not only knew about what her mother was doing but condoned it. It doesn't matter how much you are agonizing about it right now, she will see things differently. You will not be able to convince her of how much it upset you because you did and said nothing about it. So you will lose your relationship with your niece who at this time seems like a decent person and innocent of any wrong doing to preserve a relationship with your crappy sister. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Hope you realize that karma can be horrible. If your SO was cheating on you, you would not want to know? Tell your niece now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CupCakess Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Plus whenever I get upset about it she tells me I am judgemental The bil is bound to find out sooner or later. I don't think you have to tell him... but what you do need to do is to make a statement that you don't condone what your sister is doing and cut off ties with her until this blows up. Make it clear to everyone that you will not condone unethical behaviour and her taking advantge of the people you love. Make a statement to friends and family that you disaprove the way she handled the divorce/separation and will not talk to her until she rectifies it. Then simply walk away from this drama. Whenever it blows up simply apologise to your BIL, because as you said before, you are bound to be loyal to your sister no matter what, and thus were not able to tell him, so he will probably forgive you. Again, you can stay loyal to your sister. But staying loyal doesn't mean you have to be her sidekick. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 When your niece finds out, and she will, she is going to view you as someone who not only knew about what her mother was doing but condoned it. It doesn't matter how much you are agonizing about it right now, she will see things differently. You will not be able to convince her of how much it upset you because you did and said nothing about it. So you will lose your relationship with your niece who at this time seems like a decent person and innocent of any wrong doing to preserve a relationship with your crappy sister. OK but who does the OP really want to remain friends with and I guess it is the sister as they have history. She is still her best friend. The niece may not even stick around after the whole debacle is exposed, so no point in getting involved there and taking sides against the one she wants to keep in her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 OK but who does the OP really want to remain friends with and I guess it is the sister as they have history. She is still her best friend. The niece may not even stick around after the whole debacle is exposed, so no point in getting involved there and taking sides against the one she wants to keep in her life. Now that's a point worth some deep thinking about.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) Plus whenever I get upset about it she tells me I am judgemental Of course she would. Sounds like typical wayward thinking and mindset. Most longterm waywards have to become experts at being manipulative and controlling. It is how they keep their house of cards standing as they keep on building it. If you practice something long enough, it becomes automatic, hardwired, instinctual. Habits are hard to break. Long term habits are very difficult to break. I suspect, she interprets your continued relationship as a form of acceptance and passive approval. I don't remember if you are married or in a long term relationship. Usually cheaters seek out like minded people for company and affirmation. Generally speaking... It seems like they also have a tendency to promote and encourage "friends" to also cheat. Misery loves company. I suspect it is a form of self affirmation that current behavior and activity really isn't all that wrong if others are also actively engaged in simular behavior... In many ways... Many people make comparisons and see parallels between the wayward cheating spouse and out of control alcoholics... If your sister was an alcoholic, your role appears to be simular to that of an enabler for an alcoholic. Edited August 30, 2017 by QuietDan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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